Today, I found out that my husband only dated me because I look...

By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my husband only dated me because I look like what he thought the daughter he had with his first wife might look like when she's grown up. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Out of it

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By elizio - United States - Trenton

Today, I went to a high school reunion. An old friend I hadn't seen in a while suddenly came up to me and gasped, "Oh, thank God!" I was about to greet her and catch up when she added, "I'm not the only one who gained weight!" FML

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By Username - United States

Stop talking, stop talking now

Today, I had to endure a long story about how and why my brother shaves his pubes. FML

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By Malarky - United States

Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML

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By Wells Fargo Worker

Well shit.

Today, at work, we were told by Wells Fargo that we'll be training our foreign replacements from India. After we train them, we're gone. FML

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4315

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By AyDiosMio42 - United States

Today, I stepped on the MacBook Air I purchased 4 days ago. The screen snapped in two, and I didn't buy insurance because I promised myself I would be "extra careful." $3500 well spent. FML

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By haha - United States

Today, I was at the library, and had finally found the book I'd been looking for, when a man approaches me, says "The main character dies at the end", and walks away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got in an argument with my boyfriend, who recently had to move away, about not calling enough. Apparently his moving had meant that we were now taking a break, he just forgot to talk it over with me. He still wants to visit, and keep the relationship in bed alive though. FML

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By Fenny - United States

Today, I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner because it cheers me up. Then some friends came over, so we went out to get yogurt, and when I got back I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I'm in college. FML

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By Not a day over 35 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I turned 29. To celebrate, my office got me a cake that read "Happy 38th!!" The "theme" of the "party" was 'Not a day over 35!' I waited all day for someone to tell me it was all a prank, but nobody did. I spent my lunch hour crying in my car. Happy birthday to me. FML

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59542

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Pants on fire

Today, I texted a cute picture of my boyfriend and me to my mom, who lives very far away. She replied saying that my Photoshop skills are great, but that I don't need to go so far to pretend that anyone would date me, and that there's no shame in being single at 25. FML

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By LonelyStudent - United States - Chicago

Keep it down!

Today, while at a grocery store, I told my mom I had some good news. She exclaimed, "You finally got a boyfriend?!" No mom, just an A on my math test. FML

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1532

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to console my drunk dad over his girlfriend breaking up with him. When he said, "You know why we broke up don't you?" I replied, "Yeah, you were fighting a lot, right?" Wrong. I then had to explain to him that his erectile dysfunction wasn't something to be embarrassed about. FML

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37969

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By Oh really - Australia

Today, my friend mentioned a book that reminded her of me. When I asked what it was called she said, "He's just not that into you". FML

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23744

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By rositaleigh

Dad jokes FTW!

Today, my father and I were out in town when a lady walked up and commented on what a great looking couple we were. My dad puts his arm around me and says "Thank you! We've been together for 17 years." FML

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1816

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By Anon - United States - Twinsburg

Today, I got so used to using this FML app while going to the bathroom that when I opened it, I accidentally peed a little. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I bought a rather unique shirt for my boyfriend, planning to give it to him for Christmas. He showed up wearing the same shirt. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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8411

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By AdriftInTheSeaOfPaperwork - Germany - Dachau

Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

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37626

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By fuckingcool - United States - Ortonville

Today, my friend was complaining to me that she's gained 20 pounds and it's all gone to her butt and boobs. Meanwhile, I've also gained 20 pounds, and it's gone straight to my stomach. She looks better than she did before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my girlfriend uninvited to me a party because she said her ex would be there, and since she hasn't told him about us, she didn't want him getting upset. FML

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By chee - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

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46710

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By moweezy9 - United States

Today, I finally taught my mom how to text message people. Now I get a message from her every 30 seconds saying "Hi". FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I realized that since I started working full time, the only friend I have left is my cat. Lonely and bored out of my mind, I told him about my day. He decided to end the conversation by shitting on the floor. FML

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By Autumn

TMI

Today, while discussing my vegetable garden, my father's new girlfriend announced that she loves vegetables in the bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, as I kissed my husband after our wedding vows, my mother-in-law muttered "Slut." loudly from the front row. Everyone heard her, but kept smiling and pretended to be oblivious. FML

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By Former Professor

Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

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By Wheresthecreamfilling

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

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11023

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By driving me crazy

Zzzzzzzzz

Today, I had to temporarily relocate to my brother's room after mine was being repainted. Not only do I have to sleep on the floor, but I also have to put up with my brother and dog both snoring loudly. What's worse is that they alternate in snoring. Goodbye sleep. FML

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3771

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By phillij2 - United States

That hurts, BTW

Today, I got surgery on one of my hands. I opted for a local anesthetic instead of being put all the way under. I soon discovered my hand hadn't gone completely numb when the doctor started slicing into the finger that needed operating on. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 20:02

Live from Salt Lake City

Today, I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my husband and another woman. She has anger issues and has been very abusive to me, and finally told my husband she wants to break up with me. Not him... just me. She’s still sleeping in our bed with him, and I’m sleeping on the couch. FML

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By hakuna_matata - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I told her that I'd never watched The Lion King. FML

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By porkythighs - Singapore

Today, I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Nothing to complain about when your boyfriend likes to touch you, right? Except when he keeps smacking your jiggly thighs to watch the ripples and 'tenderize the pork chops'. FML

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By verycre8tive - Romania

Today, after a few drinks my dad decided to tell me the story of how I was born. He wanted a baby girl after my brother, and mum didn't want any more children. So he tricked her by giving her the wrong pill. That should explain a lot. FML

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55514

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Sorry

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with another man. Her main reaction was to get mad at me for not knocking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor and I learned why fireworks are illegal in city limits. This lesson was learned shortly after a roman candle came crashing through my second story window. FML

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By always-the-responsible-one - Canada

Today, I just spent half an hour cleaning up my little brother's puke after he got drunk for the first time. All the people who bought him drinks are still out partying and having a good time, while all I can smell is whiskey, Chinese food, and whatever else was in his stomach. FML

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27545

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By ohmygod - United States

Today, I was eating lunch when my grandmother came over and started watching me. Suddenly she said, "I see you're getting breasts". I'm a guy. FML

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By fuck you btichass cuntshit - United States - Shelburne

Today, I accidentally dropped and shattered my small bathroom mirror. My sister came to see what was going on, took one look at the shattered mirror, and said, "About time you put it out if its misery." FML

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By Scott - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML

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37195

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By Ughhhhh - United States - Stockton

Today, I purpose woke up early so that I could be prepared for a class taught by a professor who thinks I'm an idiot. This professor was the first to tell me that I'm 2 hours early and asked very slowly if I know how schedules worked. She seriously sounded concerned. FML

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Top comments

By Madison Gliosci | 16

#7820813 - Sunday 14 July 2019 6:54

That’s disgusting wtf

By alicelouise66 | 5

#7820800 - Sunday 14 July 2019 5:12

why did he marry you?

COMMENTS

By alicelouise66 | 5

#7820800 - Sunday 14 July 2019 5:12

why did he marry you?

By Madison Gliosci | 16

#7820813 - Sunday 14 July 2019 6:54

That’s disgusting wtf

By Nhayaa | 21

#7820814 - Sunday 14 July 2019 7:03

That's creepy 😨

By Abbusser | 9

#7820820 - Sunday 14 July 2019 7:35

Do you call him Daddy?

By mccuish | 22

#7820822 - Sunday 14 July 2019 7:43

Red flag

By prettylamemyguy | 7

#7820855 - Sunday 14 July 2019 8:54

well, that's disgusting.

By alycion | 38

#7820872 - Sunday 14 July 2019 9:46

Make sure you leave him a good therapist’s number on your way out. Now I know why the old school mentality was blame the parents. If his daughter ever found that out, it would mess her up for life. Though the mother should be warned if the daughter is still a minor and he has visitation.

By Mathalamus | 24

#7820879 - Sunday 14 July 2019 10:08

Interesting. Never saw that before.

By Skydome6666 | 6

#7820901 - Sunday 14 July 2019 12:30

what to heck

By childlessmother | 16

#7820915 - Sunday 14 July 2019 13:13

That’s kinda gross