Love: Today, I finally handed my girlfriend a portrait of her. I'm... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 369

You deserved it 98

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 151

You deserved it 1 309

29/09/2013 13:00

Today, I finally handed my girlfriend a portrait of her. I'm not the best drawer, but I spent weeks on it and I thought it turned out pretty good. When she looked at it, she asked what kind of dog was it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 771

You deserved it 5 502

Good kid

Late term

And today, on Dr Phil…

18/01/2016 05:18

Today, I put more effort into getting and keeping my Sims onto a good sleep schedule in order to properly take care of their needs than I did for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 679

You deserved it 7 645

26/02/2012 04:18

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 306

You deserved it 2 561

13/05/2013 23:51

Today, while doing a fun genetics game in Biology, I found out that I was adopted. Turns out the game wasn't so fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 312

You deserved it 3 460

15/03/2010 23:42

Today, I told my parents I wanted to try modelling. I decided that since I have such a low self-esteem, that it might benefit me, and make me feel better about myself and how I look. The first thing out of my dad's mouth was, "What? Why? You're ugly." Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 093

You deserved it 7 443

28/05/2016 08:44

Today, after waiting months for an appointment with a doctor who specializes in the disease I have, I showed up at his practice, only to find the cops executing a search warrant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 359

You deserved it 1 010

07/10/2010 23:45

Spicy

Today, my cousin and his fiancée took me to my first strip club experience. One of the strippers came over and danced for me. She pulled her thong string out and I tried to place the dollar in it with my mouth. I missed, to which she said "Put it in there, retard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 540

You deserved it 34 470

01/04/2015 06:06

Today, my brother mentioned my dad's birthday party. I said, "What party?" He said, "Shit, forgot I wasn't supposed to tell you." My own father doesn't want me at his party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 091

You deserved it 3 566

06/11/2009 15:22

Today, I found out the presentation I've been looking forward to and preparing for months only has three people registered to attend. I'll be talking to an empty room for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 622

You deserved it 2 644

28/01/2016 20:24

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I was there with the lights out when something ran across my foot. I freaked out, tried to kick it off, and ended up smashing my foot into the side of the tub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 350

You deserved it 3 164

03/05/2012 21:17

Today, I finally found out what the horrible smell at work was. A rat had decided to make its home in our emergency exit sign and had been fried by the electricity. I now have to fix this. Hello scorched dead rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 264

You deserved it 2 068

07/11/2014 15:51

Today, I got a new roommate. I thought he was pretty cool until he mentioned how everything around us was a conspiracy. Then he asked if I knew how to make a bomb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 292

You deserved it 2 734

You have mail!

By Anonymous - 21/05/2021 04:01

Spicy

Today, I bought a Plan B at CVS. I always use my parents' phone number for reward points. Turns out my mom is enrolled in digital receipts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 396

You deserved it 1 138

18/03/2013 14:17

Today, after three years with my boyfriend hardly ever going to any social or public event with me due to his social anxiety, I got to witness him improve his flirting skills on every girl available at his house party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 624

You deserved it 4 184

11/02/2017 12:00

Today, one of my junior marines called to tell me they were in an accident that totaled both cars. The car he hit was parked in a nearby parking garage. It was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 351

You deserved it 462

You tried

By Anonymous - 24/08/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, my wife finally agreed to try anal. Unfortunately, it was too hot in the apartment so I couldn't focus and I kept going soft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 649

You deserved it 511

12/07/2017 18:39

Today, after retyping a 22-page report for work because the orginal had gone missing, i realized I had used a different laptop the first time. I now have 2 copies of the same report, both of which are late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 426

You deserved it 2 068

05/01/2010 17:58

Today, I was walking out of Starbucks when I sneezed, causing coffee to burn my nose. I screamed, dropped it, and sent scorching coffee all over my legs while dropping everything else I was holding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 882

You deserved it 7 150

31/03/2019 12:00

Today my parents screamed at me for cutting my wrists. They asked me if i want a therapist. I said idk. Then my mom said "But wait its going to cost a lot of money".. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 153

You deserved it 603

01/11/2009 16:35

Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 783

You deserved it 50 686

29/03/2009 18:41

Today, I was giving a lecture to my class I heard a phone go off. Aggravated and exhausted, I asked everyone to turn their phones off. Then the phone rang again. I lost my shit and spent the next half hour calling my students a bunch of "technology whores". Then I realized the phone was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 181

You deserved it 199 772

Workers of the world unite

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 20:01

Today, my initial unemployment benefits ran out. Yesterday, the extended benefits ran out for my entire state too, so I'll see $0 assistance. But it could be worse, they're also taking back 7 million $ from extended benefits receivers, so at least I'm not having money taken away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 714

You deserved it 111

22/09/2009 11:20

Today, I went to the dentist. I parked my car in what I thought was the dentist's car park. It was actually the car park for the business next door. I had to watch them clamp my car from the dentist's chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 672

You deserved it 6 782

25/06/2019 06:48

Today, I got into a screaming match with the mother of my kids. I told her they need to bathe more often. According to her, anything more than once a week is excessive and bad for their skin. My kids play sports and smell like puppies from the pound. She doesn’t care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 303

You deserved it 183

House rules

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for months. Not knowing where the date would take us, I shaved my pubic hair. Later, in the middle of making out with the guy, my dad storms into the room to tell me, "I had to get some Draino, your pubes clogged the shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 047

You deserved it 1 087

15/09/2010 23:34

Today, my girlfriend and I broke up. When I got home from work, I came home to glitter. EVERYWHERE. Guess who forgot to get the key to his apartment back from his ex-girlfriend. The guy who's having his family over for dinner tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 389

You deserved it 13 035

24/05/2016 10:30

Today, I took my 9-year-old sister to an ice cream shop. There we met a boy about her age, who started a conversation with her, told her she was pretty and they ended up exchanging numbers. I'm 24 and so far I've never succeeded at getting a girl's number like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 666

You deserved it 1 304

29/01/2018 13:00

Today, I wore a coat that was too tight. The button gave way and quickly flew about ten feet to hit my very attractive new coworker right in the ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 797

You deserved it 944

12/11/2009 19:39

Today, I received an eviction notice taped to my door stating my landlord is selling his property and moving out of the country in 13 days. My landlord is my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 349

You deserved it 3 271

25/04/2017 18:00

Today, I watched my fiancé ride off on my motorcycle with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 767

You deserved it 345

11/06/2014 00:39

Today, I had to go to the police station after my son got arrested for shoplifting 15 packs of gum. He got away with it at first, but got busted when he tried to return it all because he "didn't like the flavor". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 175

You deserved it 8 937

17/01/2016 03:28

Today, on my college visit, I met a perfect girl for me, sweet, gorgeous, on the same career path. I remember everything we talked about, where she is from, what sport she plays, and her recent internship. But when I went to look her up online, I couldn't remember one thing, her name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 770

You deserved it 5 655

13/01/2010 05:29

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 417

You deserved it 3 251

26/10/2012 12:24

Today, I went out of my way to avoid street preachers thrusting hateful propaganda at me. A young woman ran up to me and started waving paper in my face, and I snapped at her to fuck off. Right afterwards I realised she was returning something that fell out of my pocket. She looked terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 098

You deserved it 35 180

11/10/2017 13:00

Today, my husband ate several slices of pizza and one whole ghost pepper. He then threw up all over the living room, hallway, and pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom before going directly to bed. I had to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 895

You deserved it 416

21/02/2017 12:00

Today, during an interview, I was given a list of items and asked which items I would take to a deserted island. When I chose a Bible, the interviewer asked why. I replied, "So I can burn it." What I meant to say was, "So I can use it to start a fire if the trees on the island bear fruit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 526

You deserved it 3 145

14/02/2012 18:56

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 344

You deserved it 37 807

04/04/2012 21:11

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 470

You deserved it 7 290

01/08/2015 06:18

Today, I, along with two cops and another paramedic, had to fight to pin down some total scumsucker. He was high out of his mind on god knows what, in his underwear, screaming like a maniac outside someone else's house at 2 in the morning. I don't get paid nearly enough for this shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 540

You deserved it 2 853

02/09/2010 11:40

Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75mph on the freeway, I made it off in one piece, only to fall off my bike in the mall parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 899

You deserved it 25 547

12/03/2014 16:02

Today, at a staff meeting, our boss sighed and asked why I'm always in the meetings instead of my co-worker. I reminded him that it's because I'm the department supervisor, not my co-worker. He wouldn't believe me until he saw it for himself in our personnel files. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 857

You deserved it 3 868

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Top comments

golden_warrior 23

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:06

Ungrateful fucks are the worst. However, I'm assuming you told her it's a portrait of her. If not, then it's not her fault.

reneebellinger 8

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:07

I bet it's a female dog.

Comments

golden_warrior 23

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:06

Ungrateful fucks are the worst. However, I'm assuming you told her it's a portrait of her. If not, then it's not her fault.

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:08

She doesn't know that it's her and the fml never stated whether or not she liked it.

NoMore_CoolNames 14

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:14

How is she ungrateful if she didn't know it was her?

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:33

it sounds like she was being sarcastic op

jw90 18

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Monday 30 September 2013 0:19

Of course if he says it's her she'll assume he's saying she looks like a dog. No win anywhere OP

Cazz91 21

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Monday 30 September 2013 0:27

To save yourself the trouble, I would roll with this one and state the dog you were attempting to create if she didn't know it was suppose to be a portrait of her. If she knew then she's either being bluntly honest with her critique, sarcastic or setting you up for a trap. Keep working on your skills. You will improve over time, OP.

JocelynKaulitz 28

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Monday 30 September 2013 0:47

Tell her it's a Bitch.

Mat35 8

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Monday 30 September 2013 1:44

Relax he doesn't have to tell every detail.

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Monday 30 September 2013 3:41

You can't be that bad at it. And what did she say when you told her it was her?

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Monday 30 September 2013 4:23

Breed: ungrateful bitch.

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Monday 30 September 2013 4:23

98- a bitch is not a type of dog, it's a gender...

tjv3 10

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 2:42

Tell her it's just a bitch

amc597 28

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:06

Well a dog isn't exactly a bad thing..

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:11

Unless OP says it's a Bitch and then say that it's her. then it would be bad

ohcheriecherie 20

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:13

dogs are cute!

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:32

dogs are cute like "Awwwww look at you pumpkin look at your little ears" not "hey babe how you doin"

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Sunday 29 September 2013 20:49

I do that to girls all the time, 29. I'll be all like, "Awl, who's a good girl. You want a treat, baby? You want a treat? No! Bad girl! No cookies until dessert! Down! Down I say!" They lovee it. Haha. Well.. Actually most women hate me. :)

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Sunday 29 September 2013 21:04

It was a joke, 62. Not a very good one I admit. You seem like you enjoy patronizing me. You must be one of those Internet badasses I've heard so much about. Must be a lucrative career choice.

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Sunday 29 September 2013 22:06

Don't hurt his McFeeliings

threer 30

Monday 30 September 2013 6:52

His thumbs up seem pretty high in comparison to yours, sir. Plus, most of his comments are hilarious and well-liked whereas I've never seen one of yours.

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Tuesday 1 October 2013 18:54

I thought the joke was quite funny...

Rick_Astley_fml 14

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:06

Does she like it?

thehumanlyhuman 7

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:23

Tbh this sounds more like an FHL

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:06

Damn u dating a dog!

ryanthecheeseguy 18

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:18

Obviously you tried to be funny. You failed. Thanks for trying.

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Monday 30 September 2013 0:59

Both of you failed miserably^ Jesus Christ. As for op, I don't think you should tell her that it's a portrait of her. Good luck.

reneebellinger 8

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:07

I bet it's a female dog.

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Sunday 29 September 2013 22:58

Shitzu

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Sunday 29 September 2013 23:22

When asked what dog it was, OP should have said that it was a bitch

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:07

I guess you could say she was being a bitch! No? Okay ill just go away now.

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:07

It's a type of bitch that doesn't appreciate someone's efforts.

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Sunday 29 September 2013 22:54

She didn't know it was of her

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:08

She must've been messing with ya... Unless you drew a muzzle and massive canines and ears on top of her head I just dont see how she could mistake it

awkwardturtl3 3

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:08

should've replied 'my female dog'

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Sunday 29 September 2013 19:08

It's not your fault she looks like a dog.