Intimacy: Today, I discovered my children had found my vibrator and buried... - FML

By Heather - 26/06/2012 17:13 - United States - Newport News

Spicy

Today, I discovered my children had found my vibrator and buried it in the cat's litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 379

You deserved it 12 697

Kevin can fuck himself

Money, Ethan

Smoothie with a kick

By Anonymous - 31/12/2008 18:23 - France

Today, I crashed my car racing backwards and told my parents I was rear ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 096

You deserved it 48 000

By Anonymous - 02/09/2018 04:00

Today, we were at church when I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed "I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG!" I need a new church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 472

You deserved it 414

My kingdom for a lock

By IAmJacksDeflatedHappiness - 19/10/2021 23:00

Today, I asked my family not to disturb me while I slept, as I had hit over 72 hours of insomnia. My family must have heard me say, “Come in every 20 minutes and wake me up with whatever banal shit you can think of.” I gave up when my mother-in-law decided to enter my room and start vacuuming the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 314

You deserved it 93

By MegahnDN - 11/06/2010 14:33 - United States

Today, my kitten decided that having diarrhea was not a good enough reason to stop running in circles around my living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 697

You deserved it 4 162

Skipped

By how?!?! - 07/06/2021 00:01

Today, I found out that I’m pregnant even though I've had the implant for a couple of years. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that I got knocked up after only seeing the guy for a few weeks, or the fact that I had a boyfriend for five years and it never happened. The new guy thinks I lied and bailed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 266

Father material

By Anonymous - 23/08/2020 02:07

Today, according to my husband, if I die first he won’t be looking after my son from a previous marriage. Either my sister will have to take him or he’ll go into foster care. He doesn’t want kids of his own, so he’ll be dammed if he has to look after someone else’s just because I’m dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 801

You deserved it 682

By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 23:39 - United States - South Gate

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 189

You deserved it 3 899

Winner winner chicken dinner

By Anonymous - 26/02/2021 14:02

Today, I realized I have finally turned into my mother when I got excited about using so many coupons that I only paid 70 cents for $14 worth of groceries. I need a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 210

By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. While he was dumping me, he was holding hands with his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 374

You deserved it 3 041

By thosedamnkids - 22/01/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I was working at Staples and organizing some notebooks. All of a sudden, I jumped up because of a sharp pain in my back. A little girl had grabbed a stapler and stapled my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 265

You deserved it 2 628

By Shotacon - 07/04/2016 03:06 - United States - Woodbury

Today, while using the leg press at the gym, some guy thought he could use more weight than me since I look really young. He hurt himself. He then blamed me and tried to get me kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 053

You deserved it 1 278

By anonymous - 27/11/2014 03:33 - United States - Butler

Today, I thought I'd lost the ring that my boyfriend had given me, in the snow, in the dark. I spent a half hour with a flashlight searching every part of my driveway. The ring was on my kitchen windowsill the whole time. I took it off earlier to do dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 602

You deserved it 7 693

By shit_fer_luck - 16/12/2014 16:35 - United States - West Lafayette

Today, someone backed straight into my car as I was hunting for a parking spot. I just got my car back from the body shop after a hit-and-run. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 554

You deserved it 2 523

By Anonymous - 01/03/2013 16:35 - United States

Today, I received a chain-mail text that vividly described what "Tanya" would do to me in my sleep if I didn't forward it on. I'm so paranoid that I did just that. I also realized that accidentally forwarding such things to your boss can get you fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 936

You deserved it 51 623

Top Chef

By Mother of a dumb blonde - 22/06/2017 02:00

Today, I had to explain to my daughter that no, just because the word, "salad" is in the name, it doesn't mean that macaroni or potato salad are automatically healthy for you. She still doesn't believe me. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 801

You deserved it 667

By B - 31/01/2012 20:36 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, I had a quicky with my boyfriend, because his dad was about to pick him up. Afterwards, I texted: "Nice to meet your dad, hope we didn't look too heated." A few minutes later, he replied: "Great timing, he was holding my phone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 171

You deserved it 9 857

Brokeass Mountain

By collegebroke - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Lakewood

Today, I hit a new low in my financial troubles when I left my work to retrieve twenty-five cents after seeing someone drop it across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 726

You deserved it 4 597

You tried, yay!

By Anonymous - 25/03/2013 06:03 - Australia - Wantirna

Today, I was late to a lecture when I tripped up the stairs. With a few hundred people already staring and laughing at me, I started to curtsy to my "adoring fans" but instead fell backwards down the massive flight of stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 056

You deserved it 12 631

By Anonymous - 05/01/2014 23:48 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Spicy

Today, I downloaded a movie for my mom that she really likes, "When Harry Met Sally". When she loaded the file, we soon found out it was actually some kind of obscure porno billed as "When Harry Wet Sally". FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 568

You deserved it 9 859

By R281780 - 14/02/2016 15:53 - United States - San Jose

Today, my girlfriend is locked in the bathroom crying because I didn't buy her anything for Valentine's Day, even though Friday, at her suggestion, we agreed not to exchange gifts because both of our birthdays are a week away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 332

You deserved it 4 141

By Cupcakes - 15/04/2013 05:11 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my boyfriend said he felt like eating icing. So I baked him cupcakes, put icing on them and decorated them. When I handed them to him, he picked off the decoration, licked the icing and handed the cupcake back to me, saying, "I told you that's all I wanted." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 564

You deserved it 53 372

Gross!

By cantstopfeelingit - 16/12/2019 05:00

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 172

You deserved it 2 440

By lolilovemyboyfriend - 19/10/2011 14:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 825

You deserved it 18 497

Testing, testing, 1-2, 1-2

By Decisions6 - 16/04/2020 05:00 - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, my therapist made me take a test to see what level my depression was at. There was a whole bunch of questions with multiple answers to choose from. One question was, "Do you find it harder to make decisions?" I couldn't decide which answer to pick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 460

You deserved it 285

By Elizabeth Ann - 10/05/2019 23:00

Today, at work, I fainted and hit my head. When I told my boyfriend, he said, “Why does it matter?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 805

You deserved it 210

By failureatlife - 27/04/2014 19:16 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 302

You deserved it 6 163

By anonymous - 06/06/2016 16:51 - United States - Phoenix

Today, like every other day for the past two weeks, the strange cat that has adopted me inexplicably made its way into my house and curled up next to my head while I slept. I'm horribly allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 274

You deserved it 1 568

By SpeakerPhone - 14/11/2009 17:31 - France

Today, in a big meeting, my secretary calls me saying that I have an important call waiting. I put the call through. It was my beautician, confirming my appointment to get rid of an ingrown hair. I hurriedly confirm and hang up to see everyone in the room giggling. The speaker phone was on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 715

You deserved it 7 295

By Anonymous - 16/07/2011 05:38 - Canada

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 356

You deserved it 6 071

By mr_loveless - 11/02/2013 07:19 - United States

Today, I got married on Skyrim. To an elf. While in real life, my love life is floundering like a half-dead carp in the surf on a hot day. So much so in fact that I actually draw a measure of comfort from being married to an elf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 245

You deserved it 10 643

By Helpless - 16/12/2018 14:00

Today I had to tell my girlfriend that we can't keep taking care of her drug addicted dad because it is ruining out lives. We have a 90 day notice to move and I said I won't move to a new place if she is going to have him live there. Guess who is looking for a new roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 814

You deserved it 392

By Jake - 16/09/2013 19:08 - United States - Albany

Today, I woke up, thinking it was going to be a good day. However, when I looked at my phone, I saw that my girlfriend had sent me an obscene number of angry messages, which are still coming in, because I forgot to say goodnight to her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 091

You deserved it 8 191

Banished

By NicoleNoone - 01/08/2020 05:01

Today, my older sister told me about their table plan at their wedding. She is one of my best friends too, so I was shocked that I had been placed far away, and separated from my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 554

You deserved it 131

By fack - 26/11/2013 18:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that when my sister and I were born, the first thing my dad said was, "I hope they don't turn out vegetarian." I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 480

You deserved it 10 142

Drink it instead!

By SpitBreathe - 25/10/2020 14:00 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I found out why the amount of mouthwash hasn't been decreasing much recently when I walked in on my dad using it and then spitting some of it back in the bottle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 202

You deserved it 64

By Lex - 12/05/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I installed high performance brakes on my car after fearing that my old brake system was to weak and I could get into a crash. On the test drive a car in front of me stopped short. My new brakes worked, the ones on the car behind me didn't. I now have whiplash and a totalled car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 409

You deserved it 3 506

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 06:00

Today, my cat still loves my boyfriend more than me. I spent around 6 months convincing my boyfriend to get a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 307

You deserved it 405

By GhettoBeast - 08/09/2009 04:42 - New Zealand

Today, it was the first day of my job at a kindergarten. A boy fell over in the playground, so I ran over to see if he was OK. He got up and had a huge red mark on the side of his face. Shocked, I yelled "Oh my god, your face!" Turns out it's a very large port-wine birthmark and now he won't stop crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 776

You deserved it 15 578

By owies :( - 01/04/2011 02:23 - United States

Today, I was trying to replace the lightbulb in my bedroom. Since I couldn't reach it by myself, I grabbed and stood on a chair. After I got two broken bones, and had stitches in my forehead, I figured that using a chair with wheels probably wasn't the best idea after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 099

You deserved it 75 418

By FMyLife5915 - 04/09/2010 04:15

Spicy

Today, I found out what "supersoaked" means. I thought it meant getting shot by a water gun, which is why I laughed when my daughter's boyfriend said he "supersoaked" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 219

You deserved it 6 897

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Top comments

strawberrywine22 27

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:14

Trust me, it could be wore. My son took the "rocket ship" he found to school for show and tell. My daughter used it to massage her grandmother's feet.

gonad_gobbler 1

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:16

You have smart kids! They knew vibrators and pussies go together!

Comments

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:11

You still gonna use it?

xXxIracebethxXx 14

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:20

Well, cat piss is better than lube...

xXxIracebethxXx 14

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:23

Well, cat piss is better than lube...

mylifesucks_fml 1

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:23

maybe they thought it was a cat toy? or a treasure? just say "no no, you guys have toys and this one is Jimmy's special toy!"

doctorhook86 24

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:27

What's the problem? The kids put the vibrator with the pussy...

Oreohugzpenny 4

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:42

The cat will have fun with that!!!!

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 1:32

HAHAHAHAHA! that's disgusting but so hilarious. poor cat... woulda freaked out if it started vibrating while it was buried :(

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 2:17

Wells dogs like chewing on a bone so why not cats?

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 4:53

#30, that wouldve made a much better first comment haha

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 4:55

Why would they touch that? Grotty

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 5:34

great comment my friend

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:12

Time to get a new vibrator

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 1:29

Or just get a new vibrator?

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 1:51

Thats not the right pussy... ;)

pxndiieinsanity 6

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 2:19

They got the right idea,at least. ;p

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 4:55

So you would disown a child for a vibrator? What kind of trade off is that?

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 5:22

Why did 3 get many thumb down though 59 said the same thing but got thumbed up. What the hell?

ThisBiatchFMLs 5

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 6:49

Theres such thing as sexual toy cleaner

sporty1200xlr 6

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 9:15

96 - that's because the people are imagining her use it. You get a visual picture to the comment.

yourlifesucksHA 14

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Thursday 28 June 2012 4:11

Damn right!!

Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:12

Well that's a shitty situation.

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:19

That was so deep and meaningful.

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:30

You know how many people used that already? It's not funny anymore. Trust me!

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:46

Restrain from making pussy joke. Restrain from making pussy joke.

You_Screwed_Up 7

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 1:05

Now it will pleasure a different pussy.

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 1:06

50, the word you are looking for is REFRAIN.

Fuzzymonkey2013 7

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 1:56

Ha

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 3:14

How original..

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 9:07

55- we all understood what he was trying to say

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:13

please wash it...or just throw it away.

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:13

Why would you bury it where your cat relieves itself?

Awahso 25

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:16

Because one is a place of relief while the other is an object of relief ;)

strawberrywine22 27

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:17

The key word there is AND. Her kids found it AND buried it in the litter box.

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:23

Whoops, I read that wrong. I thought she hid it there, my bad.

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:44

Don't feel bad 24, I did the same thing!

maz255 10

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 3:23

Dumbasses...

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 10:55

84, we just read it wrong, that doesn't mean we are dumbasses!

SpruceDread4578 13

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 15:50

Yes it does.

SarcasticUnicorn 9

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:13

Maybe you should find another hiding spot.

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 2:24

No shit

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 3:07

You don't say?

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:13

please wash it...or just throw it away.

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:36

Now it will be purrfect.. Yea lame

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 1:32

Haha it must smell terrible if they thought to put it there

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 6:10

What's worse the fact that they found it, or that it's in the litter box?

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 7:11

43-You've cat to be kitten me right meow. Oh, you're not lion? You're fur real? I had to paws and think about cat one.

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 8:03

Whichever pussy got residue on it, it's bound to smell unless you wash it anyway.

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12

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Thursday 28 June 2012 2:47

110- WIN XD

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Tuesday 10 July 2012 5:53

Right

TheApocalypse 5

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:14

Wow. What a shitty situation. Find a better hiding spot OP.

evilplatypus 38

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:23

You said what post 2 and post 7 said. Two plus seven equals nine, your post number. I smell a conspiracy...

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:55

Lol

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 1:01

@21 Holy shit...IT'S THE GOVERNMENT MAN, THEY'RE OUT TO GET US! O.O *head explodes

cutemonsterx3 6

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 6:40

And his name is theapocolypse Dun dun duunnnnnn!

cutemonsterx3 6

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 6:43

TheApocalypse**

strawberrywine22 27

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:14

Trust me, it could be wore. My son took the "rocket ship" he found to school for show and tell. My daughter used it to massage her grandmother's feet.

strawberrywine22 27

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:23

worse* Typo, oops!

Awahso 25

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:24

That would be a great story to tell your son in front of his friends when he turns 16 or so. The reaction would be priceless.

yoursucklives 36

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:30

maybe you should hide it better?

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:42

Haha thats too funny...

duckiegirl21 10

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 2:00

Please tell me it was tossed after touching granny feet!

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 2:50

70, no it's proudly in my shrine.(:

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 2:58

Imagine what the teacher roughy when he/ she saw the "rocket ship"... O.o

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 3:50

Haha

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 4:27

How did u manage to let it get found twice?!

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12

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Thursday 28 June 2012 20:18

I would have loved to see the reaction on the teacher's face XD

gonad_gobbler 1

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 0:16

You have smart kids! They knew vibrators and pussies go together!

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 1:41

Hahaha .... The connection

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 5:02

This is Egg Zachary what I was going to post.

BradTheBrony 19

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Friday 29 June 2012 18:09

Cats and vibrators... delicious chicken fetus spheres and Zack the Lego maniac... OH MY GOD I THINK I SEE THE CONNECTION!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 46

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 408

You deserved it 103

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 37