Animals: Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing...

By mykhael - 21/08/2013 18:58 - United States - Opelousas

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 023

You deserved it 7 444

Animals

Broken heart

Mama's boy

Dementia or hate? You decide

By Faluna - 17/02/2011 21:27 - Sweden

Today, I found out that the mysterious yellow mould that won't come off my apartment floor is in fact the remains of a condom my room-mate used when she was f*cking her boyfriend in my bed. Afterwards, she apparently threw it on the floor and let it lie there. For three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 167

You deserved it 4 192

By Anonymous - 19/01/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 385

You deserved it 10 178

By thatsucks4u - 14/08/2010 00:56 - United States

Today, I went to a tanning salon. I guess nobody mentioned that you have to lift your fat rolls or you'll end up with weird stripes where the spray never reached. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 060

You deserved it 51 057

By welp - 28/10/2015 04:11 - United States - Belton

Today, I was making a homemade pizza for myself. I've been unhappy lately, so I arranged the pepperoni in the shape of a smiley face to cheer myself up. The pizza burned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 658

You deserved it 3 589

By Tymer - 23/11/2012 15:56 - Canada - Malahat

Today, while at school, a bra fell out of my coat. After the initial shock, people started congratulating me on finally getting a girlfriend. I didn't have the heart to tell them it was my mom's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 671

You deserved it 3 815

Fake news

By Anonymous - 18/07/2014 20:04 - Cura?ao

Today, I read a book by a former client who did time for fraud. She swears she's innocent, and blames everyone for her "ordeal": the police, court, judge, and me, her own attorney. She conveniently forgot to mention her two full confessions, one of which was given before the judge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 261

You deserved it 3 447

By RahiYeah09 - 17/09/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, I was in the 'intimacy' section of Walmart. After grabbing 2 boxes of condoms and a vibrating ring I turn around to see my ex boyfriend's mom. I smile awkwardly and put my head down as I walk away, causing me to colide with his dad and send my 'goodies' all over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 149

You deserved it 7 131

By No.Life. - 14/07/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 515

You deserved it 32 516

By f03_f0r_l1f3 - 26/06/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. Driving her home, we got stuck in a construction zone. I waited half an hour with with my ex-girlfriend bawling her eyes out in the passenger seat as I watched the traffic lady eat her lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 149

You deserved it 65 642

By *facefloor* - 24/07/2012 20:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I got into a heated argument at a house party. To avoid a huge scene, I pulled her into another room, during which I managed to trip over my feet and faceplant the floor. She shouted, "Hah! That's what you get!" Now everyone thinks she beat the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 977

You deserved it 5 384

By oops - 14/08/2014 21:54 - United States

Today, I made fun of a girl singing passionately along to a song on her radio while in traffic next to me. She decided that her chocolate milkshake would make a good addition to my brand new seat covers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 073

You deserved it 81 368

By budgetboss - 08/06/2018 18:30 - United States - Granbury

Today, I got a call that my custom order bridesmaid dress is at the apartment complex I just moved out of. They won’t give it to me because I’m no longer a resident, but they just thought I should know. The wedding’s tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 217

You deserved it 365

By Rosie - 06/09/2016 12:13 - United States - Brunswick

Today, my boyfriend of over a year said that being in a relationship is pointless. When I responded that I couldn't picture my life without him, he said he couldn't picture his life without our cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 076

You deserved it 1 680

Common passion

By ShowerheadGirl - 09/11/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I was having an intimate moment with my detachable shower head. I opened my eyes to find my husband of 4 months looking down on me. The only thing he said was, "You too?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 110

You deserved it 25 041

By redmethod87 - 08/04/2009 16:08 - United States

Today, I took my dog to the puppy park to meet girls. I met one very attractive girl, she loved my puppy, and she asked for my number. As she took out her phone, my dog defecated on her feet. She was wearing sandals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 939

You deserved it 6 468

Healthy relationship

By scared - 24/06/2020 23:02

Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 2 354

Haters

By ForeverAFatty - 29/05/2021 20:01 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my boyfriend invited me to swim at his house. I'm very obese, so I had some reservations about it, but he assured me it'd be alright. Instead, the whole time I was treated to his mother commenting on my weight umpteen times, and his brother calling me "Moby Dick" and throwing pool noodles at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 793

You deserved it 305

By Sally19863 - 30/08/2010 16:18 - South Africa

Today, I discovered that I have developed a latex allergy. I'm a third year medical student. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 911

You deserved it 3 053

By clkoko - 27/11/2015 02:47 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I noticed that the eye drops I have been using 3 times a day for the past week expired when the Jonas Brothers were popular. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 396

You deserved it 5 536

By Noname - 14/03/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 738

You deserved it 17 777

By anonymous - 25/11/2015 01:01 - Canada

Today, my mother refused to buy a cat because my sister is allergic to them. She bought a rabbit instead. I'm allergic to rabbits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 293

You deserved it 1 504

By crub - 05/03/2009 15:10 - United States

Today, I had my quarterly review with my supervisor at the warehouse I work at. He told me I was doing great and we discussed my raise. After I left his office, his supervisor told me I was being fired for my attendance. The last time I missed work was to attend a funeral. Five months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 230

You deserved it 2 310

By Anonymous - 06/04/2019 02:00

Today, I went on a date for the first time in ages, only to realize that the guy I was seeing chose to take us to a restaurant to stalk his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 224

You deserved it 134

By Anonymous - 14/05/2012 05:26 - United States - Burbank

Today, I noticed the only time my husband stops snoring like a drunken horse is so that he can fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 288

You deserved it 2 451

By WamBamSam - 21/11/2012 09:54 - United Kingdom - Kidderminster

Today, whilst at a red light in my car, a homeless man with a spray bottle and a dirty rag came over to clean my windows. He started with the driver's window, which was wide open, and whatever was in his spray bottle smelled suspiciously like urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 987

You deserved it 2 332

Exhausted

By snoozes - 16/11/2021 11:00 - United States

Today, my husband and I have officially become that couple that has to schedule sex. Between his working, my going back to school, raising kids, doing housework and homework, we just haven’t had time. Last night we tried to be spontaneous and get it on. We both fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 244

You deserved it 180

By pridekills - 19/08/2012 04:19 - United States - Mulberry

Today, my co-worker told me I should stop smoking cigarettes because it makes my breath "smell like shit" and makes my teeth look as yellow as corn. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 120

You deserved it 8 997

By Anonymous - 10/01/2013 06:13 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I waited over an hour for my bus. As I finally saw it approaching, I reached into my purse to grab my ticket. The lady next to me then gave the driver a hand signal to keep driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 360

You deserved it 3 026

By Burntintomyretinas - 19/09/2012 04:40 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house. She'd told me not to ring the doorbell and just come in so that I wouldn't wake her dad up. As I walked upstairs, her father walked out of the bathroom naked. We locked eyes. I can't get the image out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 772

You deserved it 3 581

By IcedTaco - 13/07/2016 19:40 - Ukraine

Today, the guy I was dating told me he thought I was a good person. His reasoning? I'm not ugly enough to be a bad person, but I'm not pretty enough, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 598

You deserved it 859

By lazy pregnant girl - 05/07/2012 19:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that because he works fifty hours a week, I should be meeting an arbitrary quota of fifty hours of housework, and if I don't, I'm insensitive and ungrateful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 743

You deserved it 10 224

Pampered

By really karen?! - 29/09/2021 20:00 - United States

Today, I had to place a call home because a student was late every single day. The mom rudely replied, “Yeah well she doesn’t really like getting up in the mornings. Can’t you just wait and start class like 30 minutes later?” Now I have to have a conference with this spoiled brat and her mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 389

You deserved it 77

By Roses are Red - 07/03/2013 06:07 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I sent a dozen roses and a hand-written, heart-felt note to my ex-girlfriend to show her that I'm still madly in love with her. When I asked if she got the flowers I sent, she replied, "Yeah but you got the wrong color. You should've gotten yellow, that stands for friendship." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 339

You deserved it 13 078

By you're just creepy. - 11/12/2012 08:39 - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I smiled at a new kid and started a conversation with him, just to be nice. He later sent me 24 messages describing how strong his love for me is. I'm scared to go to school tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 003

You deserved it 3 738

By linzl00 - 06/12/2013 12:21 - United States - Springfield

Today, the "man cold" has infected my brother. He honestly thinks he's dying. He only has the sniffles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 073

You deserved it 3 633

By Anonymous - 10/07/2014 05:24 - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 028

You deserved it 5 666

By Anonymous - 23/03/2012 21:46 - United States - Kingman

Today, I still can't find a job to support myself. The only experience I have is a month in retail and a summer spent in a kitchen de-pooping shrimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 680

You deserved it 4 085

By sharibaby - 30/04/2013 21:26 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 798

You deserved it 4 026

By eddiemusicjazz - 26/05/2012 07:30 - United States - Azusa

Today, a week after I lost my wallet, replaced the majority of my ID cards, canceled my debit card, and went to the DMV and paid for a replacement driver's license, I found my wallet. It was in my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 969

You deserved it 26 722

By nicolette5785452 - 16/11/2010 15:34 - United States

Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 746

You deserved it 13 319

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Top comments

Welshite 39

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:43

I call my tiger "kitten". Makes him even more adorable.

pwnman 33

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:45

Not only she is a bad girlfriend, it is needless to say that she is a bad dog owner.

Welshite 39

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:43

I call my tiger "kitten". Makes him even more adorable.

DividableByZero 11

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Thursday 22 August 2013 0:00

Mike Tyson? Is that you?

Welshite 39

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Thursday 22 August 2013 0:05

OMG #22! I was supposed to stay anonymous!

ManInTheMachine 19

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Thursday 22 August 2013 0:20

But you dont have a lithp when you type. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE! *runs away crying*

TheCanucklehead 22

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Thursday 22 August 2013 0:31

I call my elephant shirty. He's so cute when be runs in my yard

TheCanucklehead 22

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Thursday 22 August 2013 1:20

*shorty

yourmurderscenex 13

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Thursday 22 August 2013 1:25

I liked shirty better. just picturing an elephant in a shirt makes my day.

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Thursday 22 August 2013 3:31

I put a red shirt on my Grizzly bear and call him pooh.

queerdragon 20

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Thursday 22 August 2013 4:38

I suppose you call all the children he eats "honey".

martin8337 35

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Thursday 22 August 2013 4:47

Why would a bear be named after doo doo?

horne2 9

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Thursday 22 August 2013 4:50

What I'm wonderinging is how she just "set" her.fully grown German shepard on his lap.

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Thursday 22 August 2013 5:12

I'm not sure if 95 is being sarcastic, or had a poor childhood.

PossiblyInDanger 24

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Thursday 22 August 2013 8:07

#96, he means she sent Puppy after him. As in, to chase and attack him.

hessel 13

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Thursday 22 August 2013 11:20

95 is probally 11 or 12

Llama_Face89 33

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Thursday 22 August 2013 14:42

96- I think this one went over your head...

ghostanimal 8

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:43

Ouch. :/ My best friend's dad has a police officer dog. They bite HARD, and they can be vicious. That's terrible, it could have really sent you to the hospital

lopsop 12

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Thursday 22 August 2013 0:28

I had a police trained dog once! That little crazy bastard was the best.

apache316 6

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Thursday 22 August 2013 1:25

#33 I don't always get pets but when I do I make sure that it is a crazy bastard police trained dog

esines 9

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Thursday 22 August 2013 3:13

Shit, if it was bad enough I'd press charges on that crazy bitch. Might sound harsh but he could have gotten hurt really bad over something as trivial as an argument...

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Thursday 22 August 2013 4:20

Yeah but then "Puppy" would get put down just because his owners a fucking bitch. I'm all for getting her into some shit, but the dog did what it was told to do. It doesn't know any better, but she sure as hell does. Poor dog.,

chanelvander 7

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Thursday 22 August 2013 5:36

This! A lot of dogs are unfortunately victims of owners thinking that the dog is their puppet and hence being out down when they themselves did nothing wrong.

esines 9

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Saturday 24 August 2013 3:18

Good point 81. She should face some sort of consequences but that'd be shitty to have the dog put down just for doin what it was trained to do. Op should definitely atleast break up with her

SymphonyGrrl 12

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:44

I hope she's your ex girlfriends now dude!

SymphonyGrrl 12

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:55

*girlfriend

evilplatypus 38

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Thursday 22 August 2013 0:55

Normally those "dump her/him" comments grate on my nerves because of how quickly people jump to that decision, but I think this situation truly warrants it. Dump her, OP!

pwnman 33

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:45

Not only she is a bad girlfriend, it is needless to say that she is a bad dog owner.

amberlyyyy 15

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Thursday 22 August 2013 6:41

And the poor dog doesn't know any better!

asherm 15

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Thursday 22 August 2013 8:43

Very immature and dangerous!

shaww 28

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:46

Who let the dogs out?

FMLkoala 28

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Thursday 22 August 2013 0:13

Who who who who

Blaphlafagus 19

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Thursday 22 August 2013 0:22

His girlfriend

naya_bingi 11

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Thursday 22 August 2013 4:56

Wow. I always thought the chorus said "woof woof woof woof". No one ever corrected me. Damn it,

laden_swallow09 34

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Thursday 22 August 2013 8:36

99- I'm sure that chorus was intentionally written to resemble woofing. Don't feel bad. :)

Cheezes 7

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:46

Who let the dogs out? She did. But seriously, there are laws, and that is assault.

swordidfate 13

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Thursday 22 August 2013 4:22

Assault with a deadly weapon actually

angelitared 27

Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:47

Puppy attack dumb ass!! Good boy!!

iAlissa 34

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Thursday 22 August 2013 4:20

Oh shut up

onaa3r 10

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Thursday 22 August 2013 10:52

IAlyssa used reply. It was super effective!

NotGabe 28

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:47

So did Puppy hump your leg into submission?

lesley3r3 22

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:56

Looool best comment!

NoMore_CoolNames 14

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Thursday 22 August 2013 2:51

18- Isn't there a button for that?

Catkam623 27

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Thursday 22 August 2013 4:42

For best comment/winning the Internet sadly no

brave_josh 9

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:47

And I need to teach my miniature schnauzer to sic people

bunny911 16

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Thursday 22 August 2013 6:16

A mini schnauzer is the first dog that ever bit me. All because I was playing with "his" kid. He thought I was trying to hurt the kid.

esines 9

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Saturday 24 August 2013 3:21

The first one that bit me was a bulldog. And it was in the balls. The sight of ripped shorts with blood on it is something nobody ever wants to see

Miss_Klutzie 28

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:48

Damn...coming from a girl..I hope you're not still with her ._.

Dynosaur_dollie 38

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Wednesday 21 August 2013 23:57

And your gender is relevant why? Doesn't matter what gender you are, it's fairly common sense that no one should stay with someone who uses their dog to cause harm rather than verbally communicate their issues.