Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog...

By Puppy problems - 27/10/2013 01:23 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

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Animals

All for nothing

Social distancing gone wrong

My body, my choice

By biomajor99 - 22/4/2015 21:46 - United States - Middletown

Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 20:02 - United States - East Stroudsburg

Insurance fraud

Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't have a license, backed up my car in a Taco Bell parking lot. Someone else was also backing up and smashed right into my car. If they ask to see the camera footage, they're going to see he was driving and not me. FML

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By angry - 4/11/2009 18:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on web cam to my girlfriend who was naked. She turned the web cam to point to the screen for a second and she was also on web cam with another guy. FML

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By americanbln - 1/8/2011 08:44 - United States

Today, it's my boyfriend's birthday. His sister and I filled the air vents in his car with confetti so when he starts the car, it would blow all over him. In the process we lost the keys. The keys cost $200 to replace. Happy Birthday! FML

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By That escalated quickly - 24/6/2015 19:45 - United States - Ocean City

Today, while driving to Nashville, I saw a bunch of wild turkeys huddled together on the side of the road. I was excited to point them out to my boyfriend, until I realized that the "wild turkeys" were in fact vultures, and that they were eating a dead deer. FML

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By Toby's.Mom. - 16/2/2017 17:00 - United States - Houston

Your kid is a boffin

Today, I heard my son use the word "exacerbated". I had to look it up to see if he had correctly used it, which he had, because I couldn't remember what it meant. I'll be 23 next week. He's not even 4. FML

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By Unemployed - 21/9/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my grandma picked up the phone. It was a man asking to speak to me. Instead of giving me the phone she decides to hang up on him, thinking it was some guy trying to "get with me." It turned out to be the call I've been waiting all week for... a call from a huge company about a job offer. FML

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By embarassed - 14/1/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, I got off work and checked my makeup in the mirror once I got in my car. I had a huge piece of spinach on my front tooth that no one told me about. I work the front desk of an upscale hotel and have been greeting guests all day. FML

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By lions214 - 11/1/2012 01:40 - United States

Today, at work at a store, I was sitting on the floor stocking a bottom shelf. A woman in a motorized cart did not see me, and ran over my hand. When I alerted her about what she had done she laughed. FML

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By life_suxxx - 6/12/2009 07:43 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. Several hours later I realize that I can't find my wallet. After looking all over my house and then the store parking lot, I had my credit cards cancelled. On the drive home, I feel something under me. It was my wallet. FML

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By MollyMo - 21/3/2009 06:22 - United States

Today, my parents saw my report card. Now, they refuse to buy me my the new computer I've always wanted because my grades had 'slipped'. I made honor roll for three terms, and was kept off for the fourth for a single bad grade. I failed gym. FML

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By Ugh - 12/7/2019 04:00

Today, I was on the bus. I have a phobia of babies crying, and recently, whenever I've been on a long journey, there's been one and I've had an anxiety attack. There were no babies on this bus, just an old lady showing her friend videos of her screaming grandchild. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2012 02:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

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By Wet Britches - 24/11/2016 01:32 - United States - Portland

Today, on my rush to get home from work to use the bathroom, I hit a deer. It startled me so badly that I wet myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2012 22:21 - France - Paris

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. He claimed that it's because he's an agent fighting the Mafia, and he doesn't want to put my life at risk through reprisal attacks. FML

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By theboy6494 - 10/8/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I came home early from business trip in Paris, I bought an engagement ring. I was going to take my girlfriend of 2 years out and propose to her. I sneak into my house as a surprise and she's having it off with another man. Now I have a ring that I can only return in France. FML

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By copper - 30/1/2011 02:20 - United States

Today, a cop pulled me over because there was a sign hidden behind a tree that said "No left turn". As I was getting my ticket, I watched as three cars turned left. The cop saw them, laughed, and said, "I guess you're the unlucky one." FML

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By Gen - 17/12/2008 09:40 - France

Today, I was telling off one of my friends, a fellow student of medicine, who was spending his evenings watching "House" instead of revising for our important exam, as I was. The topic mentioned in the episode came up in the exam. He got 4 points more than I did. FML

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By mr.nobody - 16/12/2011 14:59 - Cyprus

Today, after I sent around 300 entries to a competition hosted by a deodorant company where the main prize is a trip to Hawaii, spending around 5 hours sending the entries, I won a deodorant. FML

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By jasmine - 10/6/2019 14:00

Today, my daughter is 16 hours-old and cries every time I pick her up, and refuses to be breast fed. She loves sleeping peacefully in her dad’s arms, and being bottle-fed by him. My 16 hour-old baby hates me. FML

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By Poopalipa - 8/1/2009 07:42 - United States

Today, I woke up late, didn't shave, didn't have time to iron my clothes, didn't eat breakfast, and ran into the office with beads of sweat running down my face. The meeting had been cancelled. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2017 15:00

Today, I went on a hike. It had snowed the night before so I wore warm clothes. They didn’t help when I slipped and broke my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 00:51 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2017 06:00

Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely possible to squirt yourself in the eye with breast milk. It burns. FML

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By gorokhan2 - 27/4/2020 17:00

The opposite of a good idea

Today, I wanted to prank my girlfriend by giving her a jump scare. Right before I tried to scare her in an empty parking lot, she turned towards me, pepper-sprayed me in the eyes and kicked me in the balls. When she realized it was me, she called me an asshole and dumped on the spot and drove away. FML

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By whipplewhip - 30/6/2013 04:21 - United States

Today, my husband and I were at the mall, and decided to have a snack at the food court. As we ate, an obese woman squeezed past our table, butt facing us. Just when her ass-cheeks slid past our heads, she let out a horrific fart that my father would be proud of. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

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By Frazzled - 10/4/2011 10:59 - United States

Today, after three days of hospital camping with my very sick husband, he was finally out of danger when I left last night to get my first good night's sleep in almost 96 hours. He woke me at 5 a.m. with a phone call asking me to bring him comic books because he's bored. FML

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By nosey - 8/4/2013 19:20 - United Kingdom - Mountain Ash

Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 14:35 - France - Melesse

Today, at work, I tripped and fell face-first into a food display. As I picked myself up, totally humiliated, I tripped again and fell right back into it, earning a bunch of pitying looks from nearby customers. FML

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By novdestiny - 30/6/2017 16:00

Today, I discovered that, because my boyfriend has locked himself out of his car so many times, he now keeps a coat hanger to break in. He keeps it IN the car. FML

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By Fenny - 27/2/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner because it cheers me up. Then some friends came over, so we went out to get yogurt, and when I got back I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I'm in college. FML

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By dlova - 27/1/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I was at a party and spent the whole night bragging to my friends about how I thought this girl was totally into me. As we were leaving, we saw the same girl making out with my ex. FML

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By teacher - 7/9/2014 21:05 - United States - Apo

Today, I started my first teaching job ever. As I was teaching, another teacher interrupted my class about 5 times because she thought it was her class. Not only did she ruin my confidence, her behavior caused my students to laugh at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2019 04:00

Today, I had to use anti-perspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

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By Phycheledic - 12/5/2016 10:22 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

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By alltimelove - 18/11/2010 15:34

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

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By auto boogie man - 19/11/2015 16:44 - United States - New York

Today, at school, I was asked to play a complex piano piece in front of my class, teachers and guests. I nailed it, but what stood out most for everyone was how I apparently looked like I was being possessed while performing. FML

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By Jonas - 6/6/2012 05:00 - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

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By imfucked - 26/7/2019 14:00

Today, I found out the paycheck I deposited on Tuesday bounced. This means that the checks I sent to my landlord, the electric and gas company and my mom will also bounce. When I told my boss, we got into an argument over bank fees and he fired me. I had thumped him, though. FML

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Top comments

By annie_nk | 22

#5731174 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:08

"I said sit, not shit!"

By caden_bro | 9

#5731163 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:49

Your BF seems a little emotional. And ridiculous. Just try to talk some sense into him.

COMMENTS

By caden_bro | 9

#5731163 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:49

Your BF seems a little emotional. And ridiculous. Just try to talk some sense into him.

Ambient25 | 24

#5731189 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:48

or slap him and tell him to grow up

patrickalamo | 47

#5731245 - Sunday 27 October 2013 12:58

She would do better talking sense into a brick wall... You cannot fix stupid.

By Elliotkitty | 13

#5731165 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:50

D: I don't think spraying frabreeze will help will it?

rebellionwars | 11

#5731332 - Sunday 27 October 2013 14:46

Febreeze is one of the problems in your sentence.

naughtia | 14

#5731874 - Monday 28 October 2013 1:55

Febreze is a problem in both sentences!

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5731167 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:52

Time for troll dog to shine! For far too long we've focused on troll Grandparents and cats...no more! Let us realize the threat that is now among us!

By fluffywaspluka | 7

#5731168 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:54

Number 1 dog trainer, good job OP.

Sandsh8rk | 36

#5731291 - Sunday 27 October 2013 14:00

More like the 'Number 2' dog trainer.

jococo7787 | 3

#5731401 - Sunday 27 October 2013 16:23

Hopefully he won't DUMP her for all the SHIT he's gone through.

By mFUNdo21 | 17

#5731169 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:54

well that's a shi- *slaps self*
NO! we will not utilise overused puns that everyone downvotes
That is an unfortunate situation in the excretery sense

184886837272837 | 32

#5731250 - Sunday 27 October 2013 13:04

If you say the word downvote in a comment, you're probably going to get down voted

ashleyylove3 | 22

#5731255 - Sunday 27 October 2013 13:08

#22 wins

184886837272837 | 32

#5731259 - Sunday 27 October 2013 13:10

I just realized I may have just jinxed myself...

By thrifting | 18

#5731171 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:00

Have your boyfriend take a dump on the puppy to get even. Battleshits!

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5733071 - Monday 28 October 2013 19:55

You sunk my battleshit...

By crazytrainer | 5

#5731173 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:07

Trust in the judgement of your pup. Your bf sounds like an idiot. Maybe you should dump him. (but not on him)

By annie_nk | 22

#5731174 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:08

"I said sit, not shit!"

Ambient25 | 24

#5731323 - Sunday 27 October 2013 14:40

Can you imagine how confused Sean Connery's grand kids are when he asks them to "shit" on his lap...

By xkore787 | 14

#5731176 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:10

Well of course he's mad! Isnt it obvious that everyone trains their dog to do that!

By dawood_k | 27

#5731179 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:14

Well well well.
I suggest you dump your boyfriend sounds like he is "full of shit"
What an idiot