By Puppy problems - United States - Essex Junction Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML I agree, your life sucks 42435 You deserved it 4475 56 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Richard - United States - Uxbridge Today, I was talking with my wife of five years, and I gave her a few hints about wanting kids. After our talk, she looked at me completely serious and said "Yeah, yeah, kids are great and all, but can't we just get you a dog?" FML I agree, your life sucks 26398 You deserved it 6140 83 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous Today, I fell asleep on the way to a pool party and woke up covered in sharpie swastikas and dicks. FML I agree, your life sucks 3295 You deserved it 1048 10 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By MasterMcrib - United States - Highland Park Today, while walking down the street I thought it would be funny to moon a crowd of old people taking a photo, in a few seconds a couple of them started pointing in my direction... Turns out they were pointing at the car that ran me over shortly after. FML I agree, your life sucks 7804 You deserved it 35967 111 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By maxedoutidiot - United States Today, my drunk girlfriend maxed out my credit card, on an "authentic" Jesus Christ autograph on eBay. FML I agree, your life sucks 33777 You deserved it 5373 109 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By 10 years, 0 dates - 28/11/2020 11:03 Silver linings Today, I wanted to ask out this cute girl I used to work with. Before I could, she said she likes my only friend there, and asked if could I set them up. Trying to be nice guy and good friend, I did. Then she made her complete lack of interest in me obvious. But hey, at least the gay guy she hung out with thought I was cute. FML I agree, your life sucks 692 You deserved it 109 3 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By twinkie2 - United States Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone my dog ate it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML I agree, your life sucks 24934 You deserved it 13813 104 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Oihana - United States - Greensboro Today, at work, I saw a lady leave her infant in a display crib so she could go shopping. When I stopped her and told her she couldn't do that, she said, "Well, I do it all the time". FML I agree, your life sucks 29302 You deserved it 1994 117 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By theleague - United States Today, when I arrived at the airport for my international flight there was no record of my ticket in the system. Turns out the flight was yesterday. FML I agree, your life sucks 12301 You deserved it 33256 61 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By francesa_loca - Canada Today, my father started drinking a little early. At some point, he got hungry and decided to boil eggs. He started a dozen, drank some more, and passed out on the couch. When I came home, all the water had boiled off and the eggs had exploded all over the kitchen. I'm still cleaning up the mess. FML I agree, your life sucks 32882 You deserved it 2496 98 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By BadatDIY - United Kingdom Today, the maintenance workers finally came to my apartment to fix the shower-head that kept falling off the wall. I was annoyed because they had replaced it a few weeks ago and since then, it'd been a problem. They went into my bathroom, turned the shower head around, and left. FML I agree, your life sucks 7932 You deserved it 27536 29 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Shitty Boss Shitty Job - United States - Davenport Today, I woke up at 5:30 and made the half hour drive to work only to find out that it was my day off. After finally getting back home and into bed, my boss called, requesting that I come back to work since I was "already up". FML I agree, your life sucks 51897 You deserved it 6506 65 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By 2pale - United States - Humble Today, after years of difficulty, I finally found the perfect shade of foundation that matches my ultra-pale complexion. It's called "Death Flesh." FML I agree, your life sucks 24344 You deserved it 2335 97 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By srsly_what - United Kingdom Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML I agree, your life sucks 36505 You deserved it 3495 193 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - Australia Today, I was about to go and take a shower when I saw a pair of scissors taped to the door at eye level with a note from my boyfriend saying "Time to trim that hairy thang down under." FML I agree, your life sucks 35463 You deserved it 55874 280 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous Thanks but no thanks. Today, as my husband and I were leaving our wedding reception, my mother-in-law hugged me and whispered in my ear, "You're gonna do great tonight!" FML I agree, your life sucks 4357 You deserved it 462 12 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous Today, I called my boyfriend and a woman answered. Turns out, she's also his girlfriend. She broke up with me on his behalf. FML I agree, your life sucks 3415 You deserved it 199 20 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By hahahehehohohoo - United States Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML I agree, your life sucks 322945 You deserved it 58373 221 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Whoisshe Unknown number Today, I gave my phone number to a guy at the movie theatre. I was excited to receive a text a few minutes later, sure enough when I unlocked my phone I had received a message from an unknown number. It was his girlfriend. FML I agree, your life sucks 1903 You deserved it 383 6 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By ether10 - United States Today, my dad asked me to move a potted plant from one side of the yard to the other. It looked like a very heavy pot, so I heaved it up with all my might. Turns out it was one of those heavy-looking ones that are actually light plastic. I fell over backwards and dumped dirt into my mouth. FML I agree, your life sucks 47037 You deserved it 19719 137 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By StarDust5921 - United States - Utica Today, while working at a bank, I helped a customer who was making a large withdrawal. After I counted out his money, I asked "Do you want the strap on?" After a moment of awkward silence, as I realized how that came out, he smiled and said, "No thanks, I don't need one." and winked. Great. FML I agree, your life sucks 12767 You deserved it 2144 33 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By anyoldnamewilldo - United States - Cincinnati Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML I agree, your life sucks 32468 You deserved it 3869 64 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By missedout - United States - York Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML I agree, your life sucks 39500 You deserved it 3240 121 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By itsellie27 - United Kingdom - London Today, my boyfriend told me that he would leave me if I didn't seek help for my eating disorder. The eating disorder in question? Vegetarianism. FML I agree, your life sucks 46821 You deserved it 20541 150 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonyme - France - G?anges Today, our 8-month-old son had a big cold and his nose was blocked. I couldn't find the baby nose pump in it's usual place, so I went to ask my husband. He had it in his hand, and was using to decorate the cake that was going to be served to tonight's guests, my parents. FML I agree, your life sucks 29420 You deserved it 2593 0 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By waterlogged - United States Today, my entire region received record rainfall, with torrential downpours all day and night. Today was also the day I discovered my car's sunroof leaks, when I was greeted with two inches of standing water in my floorboards. FML I agree, your life sucks 24842 You deserved it 2594 44 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Nightbird827 Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML I agree, your life sucks 21896 You deserved it 8346 45 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Macdaddy - France Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML I agree, your life sucks 25909 You deserved it 3436 44 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Audrey Anna Grace Somers Today, I was trying on a dress at my grandmother's house. When I posed for her, she told me she would expand the waist, because I won't be sucking in the whole time I would be wearing it. The joke's on you Grandma, I've been sucking my stomach in since I was twelve years old. FML I agree, your life sucks 1587 You deserved it 301 5 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, at college, I found a lanyard with some keys and a YMCA member's card attached. Hoping to find contact details, I googled the name on the back of the card, just in time for him to return and see me looking through his Facebook profile like some kind of stalker. FML I agree, your life sucks 23324 You deserved it 12388 76 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Catpiss - United States - San Bernardino Today, I finished filling the pages in my passport. Also today, my mom's cat urinated on my backpack, soaking my passport with rancid pee. I have visas that last 10 years and can't be moved to a new passport, so I have to keep this nostril-burning booklet. FML I agree, your life sucks 4081 You deserved it 616 16 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous Kids, eh? Today, I was with my four year-old daughter when we met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman I know. My daughter looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?" FML I agree, your life sucks 1462 You deserved it 142 8 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States Today, I rented a copy How To Train Your Dragon for my young son to watch. I put the DVD in, hit play without paying attention, and went off to make lunch. A few minutes later, my son ran into the kitchen screaming. Apparently, there was a mix up at the rental store and I got a copy of Saw IV. FML I agree, your life sucks 44406 You deserved it 11813 193 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - United States - Goodyear Today, my girlfriend of 3 weeks gave me an ultimatum: marry her, or she kills herself. FML I agree, your life sucks 74221 You deserved it 6374 355 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By hatemyjob - Canada - Winnipeg Today, after working at the same place for 3 years, I found out that they are not only cutting my hours but now I have to take orders from some girl I trained because she was promoted over me. FML I agree, your life sucks 22408 You deserved it 2667 64 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By AccidentalToiletSpy Today, in the bathroom at work, I heard two co-workers enter and begin a very private discussion. Not wanting to embarrass either of them, I figured I'd sit quietly until they left. Big mistake. They talked for an hour and a half. I couldn't feel my legs. FML I agree, your life sucks 2521 You deserved it 838 23 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By thats what my ipod is for - United States Today, I overheard my grandpa telling my mom he'd found a load of porn in my laptop's browser history, but that he deleted all the "filth" so she wouldn't have to see it. She believed him and I got grounded, much to his amusement. I've never looked up porn on that computer in my life. FML I agree, your life sucks 45352 You deserved it 3126 111 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By WhyMe - United States Today, I called the car repair shop to complain to the manager about their tow driver who keeps making sexual passes at me. The girl taking my call started crying and said that their driver was her husband. I'm being sexually harassed, my car is dead, and I think I just ended a marriage. FML I agree, your life sucks 52492 You deserved it 4292 122 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - Canada Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML I agree, your life sucks 104388 You deserved it 45049 215 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Quincy_Ethan - United States - Killeen Today, my little sister was using my phone to play games. About an hour later, she came to me and said my phone wouldn't work. Turns out my phone had gotten hot and she put it in water to cool it down. FML I agree, your life sucks 43102 You deserved it 5318 36 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 23:00 Think it through Today, I proposed to my girlfriend by knocking on her door and kneeling in front of it. I forgot that her door opens outwards. FML I agree, your life sucks 1222 You deserved it 1057 9 Comments Favorite Tweet Share
By annie_nk | 22 #5731174 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:08 "I said sit, not shit!" Send a private message 68 0 Reply
By caden_bro | 9 #5731163 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:49 Your BF seems a little emotional. And ridiculous. Just try to talk some sense into him. Send a private message 43 3 Reply
By caden_bro | 9 #5731163 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:49 Your BF seems a little emotional. And ridiculous. Just try to talk some sense into him. Send a private message 43 3 Reply
Reply Ambient25 | 24 #5731189 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:48 or slap him and tell him to grow up Send a private message 17 3 Reply
Reply patrickalamo | 47 #5731245 - Sunday 27 October 2013 12:58 She would do better talking sense into a brick wall... You cannot fix stupid. Send a private message 11 0 Reply
By Elliotkitty | 13 #5731165 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:50 D: I don't think spraying frabreeze will help will it? Send a private message 12 29 Reply
Reply rebellionwars | 11 #5731332 - Sunday 27 October 2013 14:46 Febreeze is one of the problems in your sentence. Send a private message 18 2 Reply
Reply naughtia | 14 #5731874 - Monday 28 October 2013 1:55 Febreze is a problem in both sentences! Send a private message 2 9 Reply
By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34 #5731167 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:52 Time for troll dog to shine! For far too long we've focused on troll Grandparents and cats...no more! Let us realize the threat that is now among us! Send a private message 35 1 Reply
By fluffywaspluka | 7 #5731168 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:54 Number 1 dog trainer, good job OP. Send a private message 16 1 Reply
Reply Sandsh8rk | 36 #5731291 - Sunday 27 October 2013 14:00 More like the 'Number 2' dog trainer. Send a private message 12 1 Reply
Reply jococo7787 | 3 #5731401 - Sunday 27 October 2013 16:23 Hopefully he won't DUMP her for all the SHIT he's gone through. Send a private message 7 2 Reply
By mFUNdo21 | 17 #5731169 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:54 well that's a shi- *slaps self* NO! we will not utilise overused puns that everyone downvotes That is an unfortunate situation in the excretery sense Send a private message 10 33 Reply
Reply 184886837272837 | 32 #5731250 - Sunday 27 October 2013 13:04 If you say the word downvote in a comment, you're probably going to get down voted Send a private message 31 5 Reply
Reply ashleyylove3 | 22 #5731255 - Sunday 27 October 2013 13:08 #22 wins Send a private message 4 14 Reply
Reply 184886837272837 | 32 #5731259 - Sunday 27 October 2013 13:10 I just realized I may have just jinxed myself... Send a private message 16 4 Reply
By thrifting | 18 #5731171 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:00 Have your boyfriend take a dump on the puppy to get even. Battleshits! Send a private message 33 8 Reply
Reply incoherentrmblr | 21 #5733071 - Monday 28 October 2013 19:55 You sunk my battleshit... Send a private message 1 0 Reply
By crazytrainer | 5 #5731173 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:07 Trust in the judgement of your pup. Your bf sounds like an idiot. Maybe you should dump him. (but not on him) Send a private message 34 1 Reply
By annie_nk | 22 #5731174 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:08 "I said sit, not shit!" Send a private message 68 0 Reply
Reply Ambient25 | 24 #5731323 - Sunday 27 October 2013 14:40 Can you imagine how confused Sean Connery's grand kids are when he asks them to "shit" on his lap... Send a private message 18 0 Reply
By xkore787 | 14 #5731176 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:10 Well of course he's mad! Isnt it obvious that everyone trains their dog to do that! Send a private message 11 0 Reply
By dawood_k | 27 #5731179 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:14 Well well well. I suggest you dump your boyfriend sounds like he is "full of shit" What an idiot Send a private message 11 3 Reply
Today, I'm horny as hell, but I'm such a germaphobe that I don't want to be touched by anyone else, and now, after looking in the mirror and seeing how... I agree, your life sucks 127 You deserved it 136 2 Comments
Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly... I agree, your life sucks 734 You deserved it 53 9 Comments