Animals: Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog...

By Puppy problems - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42444

You deserved it

4477

Favorite

Animals

Coherence dude, do you have it?

I don't need to see this

Too Much Information

By fatass - United States

Today, I had a great workout and was feeling really good about my body. Until I sat on my desk, and broke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39873

You deserved it

7495

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss fired me for acting "inappropriately" at work. I gave him a hug. He's my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71167

You deserved it

8659

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - New Britain

Today, I found out that the nickname my friend has been calling me in Japanese for the past year is the word for "Idiot". FML

I agree, your life sucks

28846

You deserved it

5109

Favorite

By Rae - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44341

You deserved it

4461

Favorite

By Paulie89

Bullshit quack chiropractor on the loose!

Today, I told my family how my wrist has been hurting for almost a week. My aunt’s chiropractor boyfriend then decided he could help by suddenly pulling my hand as hard as he could. Not only did my wrist pop and cause me more pain, but my shoulder got dislocated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1798

You deserved it

122

Favorite

By fuck russia and fuck georgia too - Azerbaijan

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She'd walked in on me jerking off, which she said is exactly the same as cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57816

You deserved it

10309

Favorite

By Lizofsmeg - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking in the park when I was hit on the shin by a red ball. I was confused, until it was followed by an enormous German Shepherd dog going at top speed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33285

You deserved it

2639

Favorite

By iammike - United States

Today, I saw two cute girls walking my way as I was parking my car. Trying to impress them, I got out and attempted to coolly walk to the sidewalk. I tripped on the curb, scraped both my knees, and was laughed at all the way until I got back inside my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13602

You deserved it

35901

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 08:06

Sounds like a catch

Today, my psycho ex tried to call the cops on me for "poisoning her food." I live two hours away from her, and have no money or gas to go anywhere near her. Turns out, she poisoned herself for eating raw chicken and pizza dough. I have a child with this idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1603

You deserved it

310

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/7/2020 23:01

Boundaries

Today, I texted my friend, asking if he could give me a ride. He assumed I meant sex, and told me I need to respect boundaries. I actually needed a ride to the hospital for a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1802

You deserved it

208

Favorite

By Arthur B.

Adapt, improvise, overcome

Today, I saw a spider in my kitchen. Freaked, but trying to be humane, I held out a piece of paper so it would climb on, and I would then put it outside. However, it jumped out of nowhere and landed on my face. My reaction was to whack at where the spider was - my face. I stumbled around, disoriented; the spider got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1285

You deserved it

417

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, at work, I came back from my break to find a child covered in mud. Turns out it wasn't mud. One of the other children had taken all of the poop out of their diaper and smeared it all over the floor, walls, and other children. The other teacher hadn't noticed, and I had to clean it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2002

You deserved it

121

Favorite

By Anon - United States

Today, I was telling my coworker that I was considering quitting the shady, 50-shades-of-scum business we work at. He snitched to our boss, who quickly fired me on bullshit charges of incompetence, theft, and workplace bullying. I guess I'm not getting a good reference from him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22275

You deserved it

5821

Favorite

By ChessNut

Today, a girl I'd been crushing on for a little while and I were talking about autism. Some of the last words she said were "I try to not find autistic people so fucking annoying, but I can't help it. But can you blame me?” I'm autistic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3231

You deserved it

336

Favorite

By wellfuck - United States - Lexington

Today, I realized I get more pleasure watching YouTube videos of people lighting their farts on fire than I do from making love to my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30160

You deserved it

7551

Favorite

By xXx3mi_MuffinxXx - United States

Today, I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't make it to the lake today or tomorrow because I'd been called in to work. She won't believe me and thinks I'm simply avoiding her. I got called in to bathe and clean dogs' anal glands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30674

You deserved it

3196

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ordered some food to get delivered. When I opened the bag a fly flew out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7020

You deserved it

534

Favorite

By ill - Canada

Priorities

Today, I called my dad to ask why my university tuition had not been paid. He said that "my school was too expensive and he couldn't afford it." He then asked me if I would take in his mail while he was away. He was taking his new wife to Hawaii, apparently it's beautiful this time of year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43455

You deserved it

3590

Favorite

By Dang-ItsDanielle - United States

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

62251

You deserved it

19380

Favorite

By pampa31 - Mexico - Tijuana

Today, while I was driving, there was a high speed car chase. The runaway managed to avoid my car but the police didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25685

You deserved it

1684

Favorite

By pistonchamp159 - United States

Today, my husband woke me up at 3 AM by putting whipped cream on my hand and tickling my nose with a feather. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38611

You deserved it

9903

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8904

You deserved it

25037

Favorite

By CassafrasSss - United States - Naperville

Today, after months of hard work, planning, and preparation, I held the reception for my first art show at a gallery. Nobody showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8716

You deserved it

692

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29946

You deserved it

3986

Favorite

By reisz618

Today, I was at a barbecue and, unbeknownst to me, took a bite of really hot bacon. In my ensuing panic, I grabbed and took a swig of my friend's beer. It wasn't beer, at least not any more. She was using it as an ashtray, and I got a mouthful of cigarette butts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1571

You deserved it

552

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1454

You deserved it

441

Favorite

By HAIRY - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was hanging out with some of my friends when I fell asleep. When I woke up, I found that they had shaved the F word into my arm. I don't know what is more disturbing: the fact that this is what my friends do for fun, or that I have enough arm hair to have four letters shaved into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24044

You deserved it

4408

Favorite

By gassy - United States

Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15124

You deserved it

35557

Favorite

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I ran into my crush of three years ago. We used to always walk our dogs together. He still remembered my dog's name. He didn't remember mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55072

You deserved it

3972

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I shouldn't have told my boss that I was interested in management. She now throws any problem she doesn't want to solve at me and either gets mad when I can't work it out or takes credit when I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44313

You deserved it

6607

Favorite

By ripmylife - Germany - Herford

Today, my boyfriend heard me confessing my undying love to someone while we were skyping. He's now convinced that I was talking to some other guy and had forgotten to mute my phone. I was talking to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10608

You deserved it

2087

Favorite

By maidmyday - United States

Today, I started a new job as a maid. As I was cleaning the master bedroom's en-suite bathroom, the owners of the house came in and started making love. I was too scared to admit I was there, but after there was silence for a few minutes I thought it might be safe to leave. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56696

You deserved it

7673

Favorite

By DeadBroke - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because I was tired of his childishness and anger, so he decided to send me 540 random text messages of scrambled letters in order to mess up my phone as well, as make me pay 20 cents for each message. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31453

You deserved it

5708

Favorite

By dogshavenipples - United Kingdom

Today, I got a huge bill through the post. It turns out that my elderly mother made the vet come out to my house to see the dog while I was out, because she was scared of the little growths she had found on his body. They were nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35514

You deserved it

2683

Favorite

By usmcgirl - United States

Today, I realized why my 50 year old Dad's 30 something girlfriend looked so familiar. She is in all my parents wedding photos... as the flower girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48514

You deserved it

2207

Favorite

By gl0b3suck0r - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my pet mouse demonstrated that he has bigger balls than my boyfriend, by running across the dinner table and eating off his plate, all while he jumped out of his chair, screaming like a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24334

You deserved it

4593

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Savage

Today, I finally got to conduct my first questioning of a suspect, who had been arrested in connection with a car theft. As I recited the Miranda warning to him, my mind went totally blank, and after a few seconds, he sarcastically continued the speech for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35360

You deserved it

16206

Favorite

By emma - 24/12/2020 05:02

Memory low

Today, while my mom was explaining the house rules surrounding the towels, I took out a notepad and began taking notes. She snatched it away and threw it across the room. I need the notes or else I’ll forget. FML

I agree, your life sucks

783

You deserved it

144

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I was blaring the radio to drown out the sound of the kids in the apartment upstairs. They then started jumping in time with the music. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3467

You deserved it

799

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. My wife came in and thought I was jerking him off. She wouldn't believe my explanation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14568

You deserved it

1106

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By annie_nk | 22

#5731174 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:08

"I said sit, not shit!"

By caden_bro | 9

#5731163 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:49

Your BF seems a little emotional. And ridiculous. Just try to talk some sense into him.

COMMENTS

By caden_bro | 9

#5731163 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:49

Your BF seems a little emotional. And ridiculous. Just try to talk some sense into him.

Ambient25 | 24

#5731189 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:48

or slap him and tell him to grow up

patrickalamo | 47

#5731245 - Sunday 27 October 2013 12:58

She would do better talking sense into a brick wall... You cannot fix stupid.

By Elliotkitty | 13

#5731165 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:50

D: I don't think spraying frabreeze will help will it?

rebellionwars | 11

#5731332 - Sunday 27 October 2013 14:46

Febreeze is one of the problems in your sentence.

naughtia | 14

#5731874 - Monday 28 October 2013 1:55

Febreze is a problem in both sentences!

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5731167 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:52

Time for troll dog to shine! For far too long we've focused on troll Grandparents and cats...no more! Let us realize the threat that is now among us!

By fluffywaspluka | 7

#5731168 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:54

Number 1 dog trainer, good job OP.

Sandsh8rk | 36

#5731291 - Sunday 27 October 2013 14:00

More like the 'Number 2' dog trainer.

jococo7787 | 3

#5731401 - Sunday 27 October 2013 16:23

Hopefully he won't DUMP her for all the SHIT he's gone through.

By mFUNdo21 | 17

#5731169 - Sunday 27 October 2013 9:54

well that's a shi- *slaps self*
NO! we will not utilise overused puns that everyone downvotes
That is an unfortunate situation in the excretery sense

184886837272837 | 32

#5731250 - Sunday 27 October 2013 13:04

If you say the word downvote in a comment, you're probably going to get down voted

ashleyylove3 | 22

#5731255 - Sunday 27 October 2013 13:08

#22 wins

184886837272837 | 32

#5731259 - Sunday 27 October 2013 13:10

I just realized I may have just jinxed myself...

By thrifting | 18

#5731171 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:00

Have your boyfriend take a dump on the puppy to get even. Battleshits!

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5733071 - Monday 28 October 2013 19:55

You sunk my battleshit...

By crazytrainer | 5

#5731173 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:07

Trust in the judgement of your pup. Your bf sounds like an idiot. Maybe you should dump him. (but not on him)

By annie_nk | 22

#5731174 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:08

"I said sit, not shit!"

Ambient25 | 24

#5731323 - Sunday 27 October 2013 14:40

Can you imagine how confused Sean Connery's grand kids are when he asks them to "shit" on his lap...

By xkore787 | 14

#5731176 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:10

Well of course he's mad! Isnt it obvious that everyone trains their dog to do that!

By dawood_k | 27

#5731179 - Sunday 27 October 2013 10:14

Well well well.
I suggest you dump your boyfriend sounds like he is "full of shit"
What an idiot