Miscellaneous: Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML - FML

By Anonymous - 28/08/2013 21:29 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 697

You deserved it 3 136

Weird reason to leave, but OK

You tried

Thanks Boris!

By EmbarrassedDaughter - 23/05/2010 07:27 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was on my bed on top of my boyfriend when I lost my balance and fell. My father walked in the door to see what the noise was. I don't know what is more embarrassing, my father walking in, or him walking in saying "Thats an expensive bed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 571

You deserved it 10 538

By caught out - 26/04/2014 23:29 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 617

You deserved it 7 378

By BloodyMarry - 04/06/2013 17:53 - United States

Today, on the drive to church, I got a nosebleed. Not so bad, until I sneezed and splattered myself and my fiancé with blood, snot, and eventually tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 664

You deserved it 4 706

By Anonymous - 02/01/2012 05:40 - United States

Today, I was pushed over and robbed in a parking lot by a man in an ugly Christmas sweater. When I looked up, I was too distracted by the sweater to even look at his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 529

You deserved it 8 696

By oops - 05/04/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 030

You deserved it 80 494

Simp

By Anonymous - 23/06/2010 23:06 - United States

Today, it was the girl of my dreams' birthday. She already knows I am totally in love with her. So for her birthday I decided to buy her a $60 dollar bottle of rum for her and her friends to have fun with. She picked it up from my house with her new boyfriend waiting in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 410

You deserved it 39 410

Passionate

By Anonymous - 09/10/2020 02:00

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate in an alley. He pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me, but he pushed me so hard I cut open my head and needed 10 stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 063

You deserved it 440

By Sam - 04/05/2014 06:12 - United States - Eureka

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 606

You deserved it 5 201

By imahater07 - 28/01/2016 07:02 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I found out that I don't have to work tomorrow. Normally I would be thrilled to hear this, but not from the 6 o'clock news, doing a piece on my work's rat infestation and indefinite shut down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 918

You deserved it 1 387

By smarterthanmymum - 26/05/2011 09:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain very slowly to my mum why she cannot put metal cutlery in the microwave. She did it anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 192

You deserved it 2 971

By tbanana95 - 04/11/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, I got my crush's phone number. I started texting him and once I told him who it was, he stopped replying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 018

You deserved it 10 989

By CRH - 03/05/2011 15:41 - United States

Today, at 11 weeks pregnant, I excitedly told my best friend that my baby now has fingernails. Her response was, "You're beginning to sound like a pro-life bumper sticker." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 753

You deserved it 20 943

By Anonymous - 11/06/2016 12:39 - United States - Marietta

Today, I told my dad about my new diet. He somehow figured I was only doing it to look more attractive to guys, because he told me my weight is fine and that it's just my personality that needs work. Thanks a lot, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 351

You deserved it 1 699

By ugh - 09/01/2013 01:01 - United States - Saint Clair Shores

Today, my daughter learned a new song. This would be great, except for the lisp her teacher has. I now have a child screaming about the "itchy bitchy spider" at the top of her lungs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 708

You deserved it 3 203

By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 17:12 - United States - Eagle River

Today, four days after moving into my new house, I woke up to a guy yelling "Fuck you, Claire" followed by a brick smashing through my living room window. Now I know why Claire was so eager to finalize the sale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 242

You deserved it 1 557

By Anonymous - 10/07/2015 19:54 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 058

You deserved it 3 157

By Anonymous - 13/04/2011 02:20

Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 613

You deserved it 40 912

By Anonymous - 17/03/2011 18:57 - United States

Today, after speeding home due to an overflowing bladder, I ran to the bathroom, forgetting that the toilet seat was broken. While doing my business, the toilet seat and I both slid off the bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 956

You deserved it 6 999

By Anony-moose - 11/10/2011 09:43 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a patient that no, her nipples were not slowly getting smaller. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 075

You deserved it 2 554

By workwork - 05/08/2019 14:00

Today, I got a threatening email from my manager, saying my job is in jeopardy if I call off again. Somehow, my leaving early to drive my mom to the ER is inexcusable, yet it's perfectly fine for the same manager to leave early to take her dogs to the groomers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 889

You deserved it 155

By What the fuck, son? - 11/05/2013 16:21 - Netherlands - Amerongen

Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a watermelon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 366

You deserved it 7 811

Spoiled

By good mama - 18/04/2021 04:59

Today, my mom is furious that I won’t let her babysit my kids anymore. Twice they’ve come home with vomiting and diarrhea after she let them eat nothing but desserts the entire day. Her excuse? Grandmas are supposed to spoil their grandkids. Spoil, not give them diabetes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 318

You deserved it 106

By liilii - 30/08/2014 16:40 - India - Trivandrum

Today, I woke up to the sight of a dead fly on my bedside table, being eaten by a swarm of ants. I screamed so bad that my dad said he thought my sister was being murdered in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 638

You deserved it 6 667

By cs - 13/02/2011 02:21 - United States

Today, the snowblower found my lost phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 749

You deserved it 4 968

By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 13:07 - United States - Watchung

Spicy

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 533

You deserved it 22 304

By Hana - 23/03/2012 07:39 - Canada - York

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend, and ended up sitting next to this girl who wouldn't stop sneezing. Grossed out, I asked my boyfriend if we could switch seats. After doing so, the girl immediately stopped sneezing and started flirting with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 033

You deserved it 5 963

By Anonymous - 19/08/2019 16:00

Today, my husband is still swearing he’s not cheating, forgetting I have a bachelor's in criminal justice with a minor in criminology. Leaving for work 2 hours early going to the same address every morning? Late every evening going to the same said address? How stupid does he think I am? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 939

You deserved it 332

By fineillpissthebedthen - 07/02/2013 22:56 - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, my downstairs neighbours screamed at me for making so much noise that I woke their children up and made them cry. The noise was the sound of a loose floorboard shifting as I crept to my bathroom, and again on my way back to bed. They've sworn to get me evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 055

You deserved it 2 507

By Seule - 29/06/2016 04:07 - Switzerland - Pully

Today, on a movie date with my boyfriend, it took me a while to understand why he was leaning on his elbow during the entire thing. He had an earpiece cupped in his hand and was listening to a soccer match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 154

You deserved it 1 686

By ohmyx3 - 30/04/2009 02:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house.I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father says "we know whose meat she does eat." My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 044

You deserved it 9 875

By Anonymous - 14/10/2014 18:57 - United States - Sebastian

Today, I got called to the guidance office, only to be told my boyfriend broke up with me. He wasn't sure how to break the news to me, so he made my guidance counselor do it for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 507

You deserved it 3 454

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 04/11/2021 19:59 - New Zealand - Nelson

Today, I got told I was too fat and needed to stop eating, because I need to lose weight. I was then given a full plate of food and had to eat it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 114

By Anonymous - 08/12/2011 12:40 - Australia

Today, working at a daycare centre, when packing up the kids' beds after sleep time, I slipped and landed in a puddle. Of urine. I had no spare pants. I had to wear them for the rest of my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 022

You deserved it 3 267

By "Nancy Marlin" - 16/07/2017 13:00

Today, I had to call the hotel we were staying at to recover some items I had left. Those items consist of a cellphone, razor blades, used batteries, and a vibrator. They have nothing to do with each other, but yes, they're at the front desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 582

You deserved it 1 341

By WTF is all I ask - 27/07/2012 23:55 - United States - Mcallen

Today, I was at the mall, when I saw an elderly lady drop her groceries, so I rushed over to help her pick them up. She took one look at me, called me a "Liberal bastard," and shouted for me to get away from her before she called the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 321

You deserved it 2 477

By Anonymous - 21/09/2011 13:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, and started to climb on top of him sexily. He blurted out, "Oh my god, you're like that girl from The Ring." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 630

You deserved it 6 178

By itwasajoke - 25/12/2016 21:23

Today, I ran into an old friend for whom I used to have feelings. I hadn't seen her in years, so I thought it would be funny if I went up to her and said, "Hey, you look familiar, do I know you?" She thought I had really forgotten her and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 375

You deserved it 2 312

You tried

By briiiiiiii123 - 12/01/2015 07:56 - United States - Buffalo

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 349

You deserved it 7 702

By Anonymous - 03/04/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 464

You deserved it 358

By ilik3catz - 01/01/2011 00:05 - United States

Today, while at a family gathering for New Years, my aunt said she needed a flat surface to write on. My dad immediately piped up, "Why don't you use Samantha's chest?" I'm Samantha. I'm also 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 968

You deserved it 3 621

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Thursday 29 August 2013 7:53

Tell her that's not what waxing means

needsomefunny 15

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Thursday 29 August 2013 7:54

That's not what they mean when they say you need more colors in your diet.

Comments

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Thursday 29 August 2013 7:53

Tell her that's not what waxing means

oj101 33

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Thursday 29 August 2013 8:05

I dread to think what OP's sister would try to do with the crayons if they mentioned bikini wax.

mealsonwheels 12

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Thursday 29 August 2013 9:14

I'm fairly certain OP doesn't want anything to do with his sisters "downstairs"

mariepastyglue 30

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Thursday 29 August 2013 10:59

I just really would like to know why does your life suck for having caught your sister eating crayons? Shouldn't her life be the one sucking for doing such weird shit!? I guess the sucky part for you would be having crazy people in your family...

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Thursday 29 August 2013 15:38

OP - Maybe you should sign her up for that reality show where people are addicted to inedible objects!

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Thursday 29 August 2013 15:39

She's just waxing her mouth hair :D

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Thursday 29 August 2013 15:54

Were they crayola? they're supposedly non toxic

needsomefunny 15

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Thursday 29 August 2013 7:54

That's not what they mean when they say you need more colors in your diet.

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Thursday 29 August 2013 15:34

It's not!? Well fuck...

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Saturday 31 August 2013 3:24

Maybe she was trying to poop rainbows

revolution4ever 14

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Thursday 29 August 2013 7:55

Well when they have names like blueberry and grape how could you possibly resist eating them?

tabbydionysis 18

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Thursday 29 August 2013 7:56

You're right. She just wanted to taste the colors of the rainbow!

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Thursday 29 August 2013 8:35

My favorite deliciously named crayons are peach, asparagus, blueberry, wintergreen, watermelon, and flesh.

UnicornFarts 15

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Thursday 29 August 2013 8:43

Can't forget macaroni and cheese.

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Thursday 29 August 2013 10:46

Ha...ha....... uh ha.... Cannibal..... yeah.....

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Thursday 29 August 2013 7:55

Yummy..

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Thursday 29 August 2013 19:35

...I know she just wanted too taste the rainbow.

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Thursday 29 August 2013 7:55

"Next time on 'My Strange Addiction'..."

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Thursday 29 August 2013 8:13

Lol didn't they already have an episode like that?

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Thursday 29 August 2013 8:24

At least most crayons are non-toxic. She could have been eating dryer sheets.

Branflakes78 13

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Thursday 29 August 2013 9:25

Non-Toxic or not, its still gross and a tad werid cause shes 19

laranicolebaby 25

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Sunday 22 February 2015 19:48

I was thinking the exact same thing lol beat me to it

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Thursday 29 August 2013 7:56

Maybe she's hoping to poop like a unicorn.

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Thursday 29 August 2013 9:24

Taste the rainbow! Shit the rainbow!

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Thursday 29 August 2013 7:56

Those crayon names sure sound appetizing though...peach, orange, cinnamon

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Thursday 29 August 2013 8:38

My favorite deliciously named crayons are peach, asparagus, blueberry, wintergreen, watermelon, and flesh. Hehe.

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Thursday 29 August 2013 16:44

Yeah, it was funny the first time, Wednesday. BTW, don't eat asparagus, it makes your piss taste horrible.

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Thursday 29 August 2013 18:28

I don't know about taste. .. but I heard it makes your piss smell horrible lol

tommylover842 23

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Friday 30 August 2013 9:14

You can't tell the same joke twice. Didn't anyone ever teach you that 29?

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Thursday 29 August 2013 7:57

Show her their flammable

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Thursday 29 August 2013 8:01

Their flammable what?

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Thursday 29 August 2013 7:57

We all have weird habbits. I chew my tongue every now and then.

SomeRandomGuy15 18

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Thursday 29 August 2013 18:53

That's not really as strange as eating crayons...

Blaphlafagus 19

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Sunday 1 September 2013 5:01

I chew my tongue all the time, in fact I was chewing it when I read this comment, I don't find it weird at all, eating crayons at 19 years old certainly is though

hallix 21

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Thursday 29 August 2013 8:00

At least she isn't using them as makeup?

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Thursday 29 August 2013 10:48

"Do you like me now, huh??? Do you?!?! Yeah, what about if i do this." i hope someone gets the reference.

SlapAndTickle 20

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Thursday 29 August 2013 11:40

The one time I was wrongfully arrested I had to spend about 2 weeks in the local jail. Women actually did this for make-up. They had to remove them from the list of items you could buy. Don't even get me started on how they had a "fashion show" and torn their clothing for 'the runway'. They put all of us on lockdown. Crazy bitches.

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Thursday 29 August 2013 15:24

#50 - All she wanted to know was why she couldn't get a boyfriend. XD

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 8

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 569

You deserved it 134

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 701

You deserved it 86