Miscellaneous: Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment....

By Kyokushin - 03/06/2009 14:15 - United States

Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment. My apartment was supposed to be empty, so I entered ready to fight some thieves. I rushed in and hit the closest person to me before the lights switched on. It was a surprise party. I broke my girlfriend's cheek-bone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 859

You deserved it 20 152

Miscellaneous

Taking stock

Baby you can drive my car

Nice place

By shygurl434 - 15/03/2010 09:14 - United States

Today, the boy I like finally acknowledged me. He came up to me and uttered two words: "Nice pooper." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 138

You deserved it 3 624

By Hackmanjones - 13/06/2009 14:42 - Canada

Today, I was volunteering at a zoo event for special needs kids. My job was to dress up in a kangaroo costume and greet the kids. One kid came up and said "You're not real!" and kicked me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 318

You deserved it 4 801

By EffinAhole - 03/10/2010 04:27 - France

Today, to spice things up a bit my wife and I were having sex in our kitchen. She was up on the counter and I moved her over to get in a better position. The stove was still hot from dinner so now my wife has a burn that looks like a double rainbow on her ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 060

You deserved it 36 746

By Tony - 09/03/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about who I wanted to ask to prom. I told her the names of the girls I was thinking of asking and she replied, "They'll say no, but you can always go with one of your cousins." FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 152

You deserved it 3 278

By Huedadaa - 19/10/2013 00:05 - France - Cauffry

Today, I asked my students to buy a copy of Anne Frank's diary for an assignment. One of them asked me in all seriousness who wrote it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 141

You deserved it 5 007

By kitkat1740 - 17/11/2015 00:21 - United States - Concord

Today, I called my boss to ask if my paycheck had been deposited yet. He said no, that my grandmother came in to work and picked it up. Confused, I called her. She is holding it ransom until I start calling home every day. I do, but she gets so drunk, she doesn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 153

You deserved it 1 898

Baker's dozen

By Glenn - 21/03/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad undermined my life's work. I finally opened my own bakery, but my dad told me it's a "sissies job" since it doesn't involve manual labour like he did for 50 years and I'll probably go out of business, because no one will want cakes from a 6 foot 8 man with tattoos, piercings and a shaved head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 751

You deserved it 105

By dang. - 20/08/2019 06:03

Today, I figured out the bank account my mom set up for me is actually a joint account, and she gets half the money I deposit. I have been putting money in there for 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 047

You deserved it 520

By ohmygod582 - 14/04/2014 01:32 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I was walking around school alone and felt someone tap my back. I laughed and turned around to find no one was there. I felt confused when I felt the tapping again, which is when I chose to yell at the nearest person, "What?!" I later found out it was a bottle in my backpack tapping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 735

You deserved it 12 431

By pinkXpress1023 - 08/07/2013 18:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I had the opportunity to taste a live spider by walking into its web in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 054

You deserved it 4 978

By Anaconda - 07/03/2017 14:00

Today, I ordered a plain cheeseburger. The cashier was confused, so I explained, "just meat and cheese". When I got my food, my burger didn't have a bun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 394

You deserved it 1 878

By parentof5 - 23/04/2011 15:20 - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked in while I was changing my shirt. She said "When I get older I am going to have big boobies just like you." I'm her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 586

You deserved it 24 755

By Anonymous - 04/10/2010 18:14 - United States

Today, I went jet skiing with my girlfriend of four years. I intended to propose to her. The $2000 ring fell out of my pocket and into the lake. I have no idea where it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 742

You deserved it 52 971

By ShamedJP - 03/04/2009 22:05 - United States

Today, I saw a very attractive female police officer while at the DMV. Thinking myself suave, I asked her: "Is it sexual harassment if I tell you how beautiful I think you are, and ask for your phone number?" Apparently it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 208

You deserved it 86 333

By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 23:29 - United States

Today, my fiancé — a top chef — called me at work to make sure I would be home on time for the extra special dinner he'd prepared for me. The occasion, as I later discovered, was the end of our engagement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 845

You deserved it 3 089

By anonymous - 17/05/2016 00:29 - United States - Ashland

Today, at the laundromat. I loaded a huge load into the top dryer, put all the quarters in, and started the bottom one. I realized my mistake when I came to check on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 112

You deserved it 3 783

By bdiddy - 11/07/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I moved in with my brother to save on a swanky apartment. I was skeptical as to how this would work out as we fought a lot as kids. Our first big fight? Whether or not to keep his dorm-style futon complete with Return of the Jedi sheets. He's a 35-yr old physician; I'm a 28-yr old lawyer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 686

You deserved it 11 335

Potholing

By limpdick9 - 19/11/2014 18:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cop car was tailing me. I was scared, and trying to avoid any tickets, I drove straight through a huge pothole rather than swerving to avoid it. The cop pulled me over and insisted I was intoxicated, because, "anybody in their right mind would've dodged that pothole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 284

You deserved it 7 108

By disturbed - 01/06/2014 01:53 - Ireland

Today, I was hit in the face by the placenta of a cow that had just given birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 929

You deserved it 5 688

By Kelly - 02/10/2011 04:53 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a young boy. I accidentally let a few words slip when I dropped something. He won't stop dropping the F bomb and his mother is coming to get him in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 167

You deserved it 38 136

Thanks Boris!

By Ella - 15/01/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after Boris made his Monday night lockdown announcement, my husband announced that no way can he handle another lockdown stuck in the house with me and two teenagers, so he drove all night to our static caravan and insists he’s staying there alone until lockdown is over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 163

By Ugh - 14/06/2016 20:41 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I'm looking forward to my orthodontist's appointment more than I'm looking forward to my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 566

You deserved it 1 042

By thelistman - 13/11/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 274

You deserved it 5 118

By Ashley - 02/12/2012 10:16 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, my friend spilt orange juice all over my iPad. She then went ahead to clean it off by rinsing it with water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 300

You deserved it 3 000

By Idiot - 22/08/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, while watching a movie with my girlfriend, I had to go to the bathroom. As I returned, I thought it would be cute to jump over the side of the couch and land next to her. I accidentally landed on her arm and broke her wrist. It wasn't as cute as I expected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 788

You deserved it 38 699

Threesome weirdness

By Anonymous - 08/10/2020 02:01

Today, my roommate informed me that I need to move out, due to me having sex with his boyfriend. Even though he gave us permission, and told us to use protection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 523

You deserved it 1 068

By Nicole - 08/07/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139 508

You deserved it 5 417

By zombielover1 - 13/07/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, while eating a Subway sandwich, I was watching a comedian on TV. As he said his signature line, I laughed hysterically and accidentally snorted a jalapeño into my nose. I spent the next 5 minutes trying to snort out the little piece that got lodged into my nostril. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 114

You deserved it 12 802

By DamnDogs - 05/03/2012 10:28 - Canada

Today, I was woken up by my neighbour's dog losing its mind, and I remembered reading a story about someone ignoring a dog and later finding out that their car had been stolen. Paranoid, I went outside to check on mine. Nope. Just the damn dog barking at one thirty in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 433

You deserved it 4 046

By Miriden - 19/07/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I got a call from a creditor asking for a Sarah. I told them that I'm not Sarah, nor do I know one. They then asked if she was my wife. Annoyed, I said, "Alright, when did I get a wife? I don't even remember having a girlfriend." They sniggered and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 463

You deserved it 7 475

By schwange - 15/05/2010 17:07 - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me for my best friend. Over a text message with "lol" in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 924

You deserved it 3 874

Downsizing awaits

By Keisha - 10/10/2019 00:01

Today, I got a 25-cent raise at work. That would be wonderful, had they not cut 6 hours off my schedule as well. I'm now making $200 less a month than I was pre-raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 832

You deserved it 91

Happy Birthday!

By Kryoyo - 07/07/2021 20:01

Today, I held my daughter’s fifth birthday at the park. What started as a fun playdate with all her friends turned into a day of horror, when a pair of teenage boys started running around our pavillion, screaming, “Babies come from sex! Babies come from sex!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 105

By adjk90 - 16/12/2010 17:06 - United States

Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 550

You deserved it 4 257

By KittenTime - 26/05/2011 21:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I witnessed the miracle of life. More specifically, my cat giving birth on my bed at four in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 028

You deserved it 7 504

By Judgeisalwaysright - 01/03/2016 08:57 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, while at a big speech and debate tournament, I corrected the judge's use of the word "podium" instead of lectern, because that's what my debate coach had told me was the correct usage. Well, she didn't take it too well and neither did my partner. Or my debate coach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 683

You deserved it 20 882

By Anonymous - 23/10/2014 18:43 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 116

You deserved it 4 864

By phatkroger10 - 10/04/2009 00:16 - United States

Today, I was selling cookie dough for a fund raiser at an old folks home. One lady ordered a box and told me that she loved cookie dough. I told her it'd be here in 4 weeks, she said "Oh I can't wait!". Not really thinking, as I left I said, "I hope you can make it till then!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 076

You deserved it 66 656

Splashed out

By bit_fluff - 20/10/2020 02:01

Today, I decided to redye my hair. And the sink, and the wall, and the toilet seat, and the tub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 797

By Genuine D - 13/05/2017 08:00 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I pulled a white cloth with string on the end from my dog's mouth. I then realized I was holding my sister's used tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 431

You deserved it 419

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honda1 0

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:05

That will teach her for throwing a suprise party. LOL

Audio828 2

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:02

Well I guess it was the sensible thing to do.

Zerooo_fml 0

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:01

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XYZzzzzzzz 0

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Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:08

call the police. if they were theives, u would be dead if they had guns. u hit one, they will shootcha

JohnyF 0

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Wednesday 14 April 2010 23:00

Lol I'd really prefer a intense fight with lifeless thugs than a boring party

chrisawol 0

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:02

Audio828 2

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:02

Well I guess it was the sensible thing to do.

0neiros 14

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:03

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coltonhaskin 0

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Saturday 19 March 2011 2:14

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kitkat789 2

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Tuesday 29 May 2012 4:34

No u won that

honda1 0

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:05

That will teach her for throwing a suprise party. LOL

omgsex 0

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:05

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Amanyyyyyy 29

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Monday 5 May 2014 17:58

...What?

peeeacceandlovve 0

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:06

fyl...theey should learn how to makke it a surprise by not talkkkinnng duuhh hahhhahhhahha LOL

violentturtle 0

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Tuesday 13 October 2009 3:51

LOL. Who does that? Run in and hit what you can't see? People don't actually do that, do they?

qwertification 0

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Thursday 18 February 2010 5:51

i would id b screaming DIE YOU DEMON!!!!! then grab a bat if i didnt recognize them yet and id b screaming that because itd be awesomeand this should b Today, i was throwing a surprise party for my BF. he ran in and broke my cheekbone.FML

ohreally123 0

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:07

I would be freaked out if I heard voices in my apartment. I'd probably just call 911 though..

24788 6

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:07

Why would you just charge in there? One knife/gun would have stopped you in 2 seconds you dolt. You clearly couldn't even see the suspect enough.

elizabethan13 0

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Sunday 17 July 2011 9:49

nice pic!

stephan18 23

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Thursday 11 October 2012 3:14

^ Nice description, I bet he's not on FML.. Hoe

Shinyminey 0

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:07

Well, you're not gonna go in, look at the the burglers and then take action, you want to suprise them. Also it's retaliation, first instinct of doing when you're suspecting something. Hopefully your girlfriend is okay.