Miscellaneous: Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment.... - FML

By Kyokushin - United States

Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment. My apartment was supposed to be empty, so I entered ready to fight some thieves. I rushed in and hit the closest person to me before the lights switched on. It was a surprise party. I broke my girlfriend's cheek-bone. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Commando

Child labor

By level6 - United States

Today, after constantly checking my email for a week, I finally got a letter saying that I was accepted to take a test for a job position. The only problem is I was scheduled to test today, eight hours ago. FML

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By FlowerPower - United States

Today, I took a big sniff of a flower in my garden. I spent the rest of the morning blowing little bugs out of my nose. FML

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By LonelyMe

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me by saying, "It's not you, it's me. I have a terrible taste in women." FML

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By luvizwar - Australia

Today, it is my boyfriend's and my one year anniversary. I bought him a Playstation 2. As soon as I gave it to him, he went straight to set it up without giving me anything. I said "What about me?" He walked over to me, gave me a kiss and said "I love it when you buy me things for no reason." FML

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By Andy

Today, while jetlagged and going through customs in Singapore, I grabbed what I thought was a pen to fill out the form. I heard it squeak as I lifted it up. It was a straw in the custom agent's drink. The resulting noise he made lasted 10+ seconds. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2020 23:01 - United States - San Bernardino

The long con

Today, I had expired soda and stale chips for my dinner. Why? Because my mother spent all our grocery money on organic food for her chihuahua. FML

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By poorclubgoer - United States

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

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By SillyScotsman - United Kingdom - Hamilton

Today, I was eating an ice cream cone, when I felt something drop onto my bottom lip. Assuming it was a piece of ice cream, I quickly pulled it into my mouth. After a sharp sting to my tongue, I spat it out. It was a bee. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister, who has "borrowed" almost nine hundred dollars from me over the last few months, told me I was pathetic for not having my driver's license yet and that I "wasn't normal". I was saving that money for my driving lessons. FML

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By Tali - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

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By emma - 24/12/2020 05:02

Memory low

Today, while my mom was explaining the house rules surrounding the towels, I took out a notepad and began taking notes. She snatched it away and threw it across the room. I need the notes or else I’ll forget. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Everett

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

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By anon - United States - Medford

Today, my girlfriend and I were going through some troubles in our relationship, and she said to me, "No offense, but I really hope no other relationship I have in the future will be like this one." Some offense taken. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland - Corminboeuf

Today, I told my parents I don't really like children and probably won't have any in the future. They sat me down and gave me a lecture on how people who hate kids are heartless. FML

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By power corrupts... - Czech Republic

Today, at my job as a movie theater attendant, my boss finally eased up and let me sit in on one of the movies. One woman kept laughing out loud every other line. After ten minutes of her braying like a dying horse, I got up and had her ejected from the theater. I'm a terrible person. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML

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By googlefreak54321 - United States

Today, I went out to go meet up with a guy. I walked all the way to his house just to see him. Then he made me hide behind a bush till his girlfriend left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springboro

Today, while lifeguarding, a kid thought it'd be hilarious to take a crap in the pool. The other kids freaked out and rushed to get out. Several of them slipped on the way out and hurt themselves fairly badly. Two parents are now threatening to sue us, and my boss blames me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 05:00

Stuck in the past

Today, I found out my boyfriend still writes Twilight fan fiction. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a date. I went to the bathroom for five minutes and returned to find my date had not only left, but poured ketchup all over our food to ruin it. FML

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By amy

Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML

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By Badkitty14 - Canada - Mississauga

Issues

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend asked me what he should get his mother for her birthday. FML

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By SucksToBeMe - United States

Today, I had a meeting with the CEO about a promising job with good pay and benefits. Upon meeting, we immediately recognized each other. He was someone I used to make fun of in school all the time. He responded by refusing to interview me and had security throw me out by force. Karma bites. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was planning on enjoying my one day off work from the hospital, at home. I got a call saying I had to come in because my department was short-handed. I went in to find almost everyone there. Turns out it was a prank by my coworkers. FML

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By that was mine - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

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By lions214 - United States

Today, at work at a store, I was sitting on the floor stocking a bottom shelf. A woman in a motorized cart did not see me, and ran over my hand. When I alerted her about what she had done she laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Cochrane

Today, a homeless man tried to sell me a "magic, one-finger glove". It was a used condom. FML

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By fuckedbyahipster - Finland

Today, I was lectured by a self-professed vegan over my "barbaric" eating habits, in between her scarfing down a tuna fish sandwich. FML

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By Speedy - United Kingdom

Today, I took my driving test for the first time. The instructor stopped it after less than ten minutes, and insisted she drive back to the test centre "in the interest of public safety." FML

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By Urgghh - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my chest. Due to a severe allergic reaction it has swollen my left breast a cup size. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "Hey look! I can finally see one of them." FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

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By omgwtf - United States

Today, it was Homecoming. During the dance, I saw this mentally handicapped guy ask this pretty girl to dance. She said no. So I went over to him and asked him to dance. He replied that he only wanted to dance with "pretty girls" and I was not one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied for college graduation. Turns out my advisor screwed me over and now I'm 1 credit hour short of getting my degree. Now I have to wait another semester and pay $3,500 just to take a one hour class on Bowling so that I can graduate. FML

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By AbsentMindedBoy - Canada

Today, I visited my ex-girlfriend's house. I saw her mother and asked "Hi! Have you recovered from that nasty cold that you had for so long?" She said "I don't have a cold," to which I smiled and said "That's great to hear!" Turns out she had lung-cancer instead. FML

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By notsohandy - Denmark - Hadsten

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML

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By YouWish - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, on my way to work, I was checking my hair in the semi-reflective window of an office building. I suddenly realized that the guy I had a one-night stand with last week was standing on the other side, looking confused. He now genuinely believes that I am stalking him. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina

Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML

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By Juancames3

Saboteur!

Today, after spending all night packing for my 5am flight to Brazil, my cat peed all over my open suitcase. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, I got on the bus. Before I could make it to a free seat, the driver hit the gas, and the sudden movement caused me to stumble and accidentally grab onto another passenger for support. She didn't appreciate this, accused me of molesting her, and got me thrown back off. FML

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By worthless - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't wear deodorant and has horrible dandruff, decided to shower for the first time in nearly a week because he got invited out to a bar. He didn't even invite me to go with him. FML

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Top comments

By honda1 | 0

#262169 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:05

That will teach her for throwing a suprise party. LOL

By Audio828 | 2

#262140 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:02

Well I guess it was the sensible thing to do.

COMMENTS

By Zerooo_fml | 0

#262136 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

XYZzzzzzzz | 0

#952131 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:08

call the police. if they were theives, u would be dead if they had guns. u hit one, they will shootcha

Reply

JohnyF | 0

#979829 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 23:00

Lol I'd really prefer a intense fight with lifeless thugs than a boring party

By chrisawol | 0

#262138 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:02

BS

By Audio828 | 2

#262140 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:02

Well I guess it was the sensible thing to do.

By 0neiros | 13

#262151 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

coltonhaskin | 0

#2202093 - Saturday 19 March 2011 2:14

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

kitkat789 | 2

#4493580 - Tuesday 29 May 2012 4:34

No u won that

By honda1 | 0

#262169 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:05

That will teach her for throwing a suprise party. LOL

By omgsex | 0

#262170 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Amanyyyyyy | 29

#5935565 - Monday 5 May 2014 17:58

...What?

By peeeacceandlovve | 0

#262182 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:06

fyl...theey should learn how to makke it a surprise by not talkkkinnng duuhh hahhhahhhahha LOL

Reply

violentturtle | 0

#618502 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 3:51

LOL. Who does that? Run in and hit what you can't see? People don't actually do that, do they?

Reply

qwertification | 0

#867967 - Thursday 18 February 2010 5:51

i would id b screaming DIE YOU DEMON!!!!! then grab a bat if i didnt recognize them yet and id b screaming that because itd be awesomeand this should b Today, i was throwing a surprise party for my BF. he ran in and broke my cheekbone.FML

By ohreally123 | 0

#262184 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:07

I would be freaked out if I heard voices in my apartment. I'd probably just call 911 though..

By 24788 | 6

#262185 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:07

Why would you just charge in there? One knife/gun would have stopped you in 2 seconds you dolt. You clearly couldn't even see the suspect enough.

Reply

elizabethan13 | 0

#2913084 - Sunday 17 July 2011 9:49

nice pic!

Reply

stephan18 | 23

#5029271 - Thursday 11 October 2012 3:14

^ Nice description, I bet he's not on FML.. Hoe

By Shinyminey | 0

#262186 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:07

Well, you're not gonna go in, look at the the burglers and then take action, you want to suprise them. Also it's retaliation, first instinct of doing when you're suspecting something.

Hopefully your girlfriend is okay.

Reply

fml98kevin | 4

#1893145 - Sunday 26 December 2010 15:56

yah