Transportation: Today, I backed out of the driveway of our newly built home....

By jaded_woman - 27/12/2009 06:58 - Australia

Today, I backed out of the driveway of our newly built home. Being unfamiliar with the driveway, I ended up getting bogged in the mud and slid halfway down the steep slope of the front yard, trying free myself. I haven't met my neighbours yet. They stood in their front lawns watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 073

You deserved it 4 219

Transportation

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Our house, in the middle of our street

Sing me to sleep

By can't win - 13/01/2015 16:25 - Australia

Today, I was cuddling my girlfriend. The TV was on behind me, with some kind of girl's basketball game playing. When I stared into my girlfriend's eyes, she accused me of trying to check out the girls by looking at their reflection in her eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 407

You deserved it 3 431

By not that kinda squirting - 30/04/2019 14:00

Today, my husband and I were having sex for the first time since I had our son. As I was riding him in a heated passion, he grabbed my breasts. Milk literally shot out onto his face. Mood totally ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 381

You deserved it 461

By little nokken - 19/05/2018 13:00 - United States

Today, I was out driving with my dad when the car broke down. He made me get out and push. I am a 5 ft tall 90 lb girl, and the car was an SUV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 758

You deserved it 465

By swimmonster81 - 25/12/2015 21:22

Today, my mother told me how she managed to afford all of the expensive Christmas presents we got. She took out extra money when applying for my student loans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 741

You deserved it 1 555

By Anonymous - 13/02/2013 22:29 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I finally confronted my bully. Too bad it was at my high school reunion and he beat the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 997

You deserved it 5 695

By hometown blues - 26/06/2019 20:30

Today, I’d been dying to escape my dreary hometown, but had panic attacks at the thought of being on my own, but at last, I'd found a place I could afford. Turns out, the guy I was going to rent from was just arrested for murdering his last tenant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 176

You deserved it 316

By Anonymous - 30/07/2013 06:52 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I was at a piano lesson playing a song I had worked very hard to make perfect. Halfway through, my teacher abruptly stops me and asks, "Did you notice that I rearranged the furniture?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 818

You deserved it 3 817

By masterfail - 04/10/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I woke up after a heavy night of drinking, with my laptop dead on my chest. Apparently, I had attempted a bit of digital penile oscillation, but passed out instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 455

You deserved it 19 718

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I woke up happier than I've ever been because last night I hooked up with the girl I have loved for almost a year and I thought I would never get with her. This morning I saw that her status on Facebook was "FML". FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 377

You deserved it 7 223

By Anonymous - 01/12/2010 06:38 - Iraq

Today, I had to pull guard duty. I had to guard the latrine because somebody likes to stuff whole toilet paper rolls in the toilet to clog it. Only six more months in Iraq. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 194

You deserved it 3 674

By AgentOrion - 29/08/2014 04:16 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 186

You deserved it 5 889

By SeriouslyDad - 22/09/2013 13:57 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my dad and I had a yelling match about me "lying", because I was unable to contact iTunes support without a phone number. To prove a point, he went online to find the phone number. It's been an hour and he's still searching for the number. I can't leave the table until he has found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 083

You deserved it 3 509

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 08:36 - United States

Today, a homeless man bathed himself in the restroom at my coffee shop in West LA. He locked himself in there for a good twenty minutes. The lingering smell was so strong that my other coworker vomited. Thanks to what is apparently a relatively strong gag reflex, I got to clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 003

You deserved it 2 859

Happy Doggo Day!

By Holyguacamoly - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Iceland

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 131

You deserved it 4 934

By MrCanoe - 01/03/2009 21:58 - Canada

Today, my mom had my girlfriend and me over. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmother's wedding ring and gave it to me saying I can now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and was going to break up with my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 130 054

You deserved it 299 432

By Anonymous - 20/12/2016 12:22

Today, I got promoted to a management position. After work, I went for a drink with my co-manager and a few of our colleagues, where they discussed their plans to take Ecstasy before/during our work Christmas party. Wonderful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 966

You deserved it 707

By 3peeps - 30/12/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that I was right about thinking how much it would hurt to hit your head on a door-frame, stub your toe on a stone table leg, and then trip over your cat, who won't take it well and will probably claw your recently stubbed toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 365

You deserved it 3 912

By Foot In Mouth - 05/02/2009 22:56 - United States

Today, my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for class. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, "What's the matter, lose a leg?" Unfortunately, there's nothing thoughtful about asking that question to a guy with an amputated leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 187

You deserved it 36 331

By Anonymous - 03/05/2011 08:19 - Canada

Today, my psycho stepmother and I got into an argument, and she started to get physical. After calling the police, and a cop showing up at the door, he took her side because she said it was "discipline". I'm a 29 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 126

You deserved it 5 218

By BrianP - 07/07/2009 17:00 - Netherlands

Today, I came home to found all of my belongings out on the street. My roommate, who is also my brother, apparantly neglected to pay his part of the rent, and we got evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 446

You deserved it 4 027

Dick

By Olivia23 - 08/07/2021 11:00

Today, my husband threw an epic temper tantrum because I wouldn’t have sex with him. I recently suffered from a miscarriage and the thought of anything going on down there makes me uncomfortable. He eventually calmed down and said, "Fine, just don’t be surprised if I end up cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 815

You deserved it 175

By anonymous - 17/11/2011 20:22 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 050

You deserved it 12 598

Panic

By not a cancerous pimple - 31/01/2015 00:11 - United States - Chester Springs

Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 297

You deserved it 27 301

Best words

By "Kilamo" - 25/01/2020 14:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 897

You deserved it 377

By Man Shamed - 29/06/2019 10:00 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, while using the bathroom in a small coffee shop, I somehow passed out sitting on the toilet. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the vicious banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons attempting to break down a door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 375

You deserved it 1 069

By littlemissgullible - 10/03/2010 01:17 - United States

Today, I was talking to an ex who I still love. He told me how much he wanted to see me, how much he missed me, and we started talking about when we could spend the day at his house. I mentioned Saturday, and he said, "I can't, I have to take my fiancée to the doctor's to find out our baby's sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 087

You deserved it 7 990

By And I'm still single - 24/03/2013 08:59 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I found out that my picture from a dating profile was so "hilarious" that people have been posting it on Instagram with mean captions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 439

You deserved it 6 021

Sibling rivalry

By Anonymous - 26/06/2020 23:00

Today, I found out my dad gets my younger brother a Big Gulp from 7/11 every time he mows the yard. I mowed for three years straight and never got anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 411

You deserved it 161

By Me - 05/01/2010 07:16 - France

Today, I was rejected for a job I really wanted, they said I didn't have enough experience. I designed the systems they are implementing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 714

You deserved it 2 059

By _TaToRtOt_ - 18/07/2011 13:08 - United States

Today, my step dad stole over $400 worth of savings from me. He spent it on alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 479

You deserved it 4 112

By Anonymous - 23/02/2016 05:16 - United States - Davis

Today, I realized that I will be leaving for the US Marine Corps in June, and the presidential election is in November. I could potentially be serving with Trump as my Commander-in-Chief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 338

You deserved it 4 913

By Natalie - 01/04/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, I was out enjoying my daily jog, when out of nowhere, a group of kids in a passing car pelted me with ketchup-filled water balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 017

You deserved it 4 259

By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 21:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shaving my underarms, when I heard a noise. I quickly turned my head to see what it was and got the razor caught in my hair. I'm now sporting a very attractive bald patch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 796

You deserved it 8 384

By Myboyfriendisaromanticslob - 10/03/2011 05:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend set up a very romantic dinner. Afterwards, he offered to wash the dishes while I went upstairs and relaxed. His way of washing the dishes was to scrape all the food off, then wipe the juices off the dishes with a paper towel before putting them back in the cupboards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 345

You deserved it 6 450

By morethanablondemoment - 28/08/2015 04:40 - United States - Redding

Today, after working 8 hours and immediately packing my house for another 6 hours to prepare for moving, I was extremely exhausted and more than ready to brush my teeth and go to bed. I tiredly brushed my teeth with my mascara. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 319

You deserved it 4 324

By Chey - 22/03/2012 22:13 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 171

You deserved it 3 336

By why.mom - 21/08/2019 00:01

Today, my mom got arrested for statutory rape. She apparently had sex with my best friend during a cookout, which was to celebrate my dad's cancer going into remission. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 070

You deserved it 134

By Wick - 26/05/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket while driving to my court date for a prior speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 996

You deserved it 115 205

By pincushion - 31/12/2015 05:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a CT scan done with contrast. My tech seemed competent in his job so I wasn't nervous, until he tried to start my IV. It took him 3 attempts to get it right. Not only was I stuck 3 times, he also blew one of my veins. I now have severely bruised arms and what look like track marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 054

You deserved it 1 617

Get to work

By You must be joking - 03/07/2018 20:30

Today, my boss told me to sort and file all the paperwork he'd been randomly shoving into boxes since 2010. Apparently we're being audited, so he expects me to do eight years of filing in two weeks. There's enough paper to fully stock a large public library. Two weeks my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 064

You deserved it 276

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ssnickel 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 16:19

"Unfamiliar with the driveway?" So EVERYWHERE else that you drive, you're familiar with, and THAT'S why you screwed up this time? It's got nothing to do with being used to it... it's a matter of watching where you're going and knowing how to back up properly.

GeorgeBoosh 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 13:06

Learn to drive?

nikola995 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:08

#1 Fail :/

dingdong666 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:09

ZOMG 3Rdz

allmidnighteyes 10

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:17

inb4 women driver jokes har har har

cucuto89 0

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Monday 28 December 2009 17:40

YDI FOR BEING A WOMAN HHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Ireplywith_memes 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:32

Bert is evil.

24788 6

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:33

Well can you blame them?

SaintOfSinners 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 12:36

Female drivers...... Ugh. Thanks for proving the stereotype for all women yet again. Are you blond by chance to?

24788 6

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Sunday 27 December 2009 13:29

Woman drivers jokes are only an escape goat for us men. If you have a penis then you can expect to pay more for insurance since men are technically worst drivers. It's hard to imagine, but it's true.

v1kt4r 13

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Sunday 27 December 2009 14:09

the word is scapegoat and even if u had got it right you would still be using it wrongly

RJB 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 14:26

24788 defintly(sp?) is a blonde woman, she sounds like one of those blondes who think they are smart because they use words like escape goat, and one of those who thinks blondes are super "intellmigent!" and women text,call,put on make-up, and do other shit while driving, my brother can text fine with his 2009 Cadillac CTS I dont know why women have an issue.

C4R0L1N3 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 15:11

Hair color doesn't make a difference, asshole. The three smartest kids in my grade are blonde, including the guy who completely aces every spanish test, the infinite pool of knowledge that seems to know everything, and the chick who picks up information incredibly quickly and retains it. So fuck you.

Anteezy 7

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Sunday 27 December 2009 15:53

ESCAPEGOAT AHAHAHAHAHA YOU'RE SO SMART HOW CAN I BE MORE LIKE YOU!?????

anastasia614 0

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Wednesday 30 December 2009 7:48

thank you #15 ! I am blonde and i don't mind blonde jokes and all but that was pretty harsh.

GeorgeBoosh 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 13:06

Learn to drive?

Lee3799 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 14:16

lol

infantry831 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 15:31

dork

ssnickel 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 16:19

whatwasthatnoise 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 16:27

i agree, it has nothing to do with being familiar with the driveway..if you were driving along in town and strayed into an area you were unfamiliar with would you suddenly forget how to drive and end up through a shop window? doubtful, but if you would, you seriously shouldnt be on the road..although at least that would be more understandable, there would be people about, and other cars and stuff, but a driveway? with just you? thats terribley bad driving

Bluewings 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 16:53

Even if we were to accept her lame excuse, how much time does it take to get "familiar" with a driveway? A driveway's a driveway, there's not usually much difference from one to the next.