Today, I tried to back my car into my parking space while some...

By Dentedbumper

Today, I tried to back my car into my parking space while some of my neighbors were out by their cars. I accidentally rammed into the retaining wall behind my spot. I was hoping the neighbors didn't notice the huge crunching sound, but they did. FML

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Good kid

Messed up

And today, on Dr Phil…

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Is this Brexit?

Today, in the same sentence, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to "spend the rest of his life with me," and "I want to break up with you because I can't face your family." FML

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1705

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I tried to give my husband a striptease for his birthday. I wound up tripping over my own panties and nearly dislocating my shoulder. FML

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46946

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By crazylobster - Australia

The eyeball zone

Today, I noticed that in my cover letter I wrote, "I also have an eye.", instead of, "I also have an eye for detail", and I have been sending it out for the past few weeks. No wonder I haven't gotten any replies. FML

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10516

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By Krazydude1000

My fingernail

Today, I found out that my old DVD player stopped reading my movie disks. I had the dumb idea to stick my finger in there to see what was the problem. I found the problem, and that was that my fingernail wasn't on my finger after that. FML

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643

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 05:01

With friends like these…

Today, I told my “best friend” that I'd tested positive for COVID-19. She told me to “chill”. Ten years of friendship and she didn’t even ask if I was OK. FML

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1036

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By Anonymous

Sexless in Seattle

Today, it's become clear I might have married the only man on the planet who doesn't care about sex. FML

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1885

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446

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By kandi - Philippines

The cupcake incident

Today, while at the bakeshop, I got bored waiting in line so I rested on the glass protecting the cupcakes. Turns out there was no glass. I had to pay $50 to cover all the mess and had to walk out of the bakeshop with icing all over my butt. FML

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By notagyno - Romania - Bucharest

Stickler for details

Today, I realized how badly medical education has ruined me when I couldn't enjoy erotic literature because of one subtle anatomy mistake the author made. FML

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41771

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By campus pussy - United States - Ross

Today, I woke up, ate breakfast, and left my dorm room, only to see about half a dozen people and my roommate shuffling around in the hall. Their zombie outfits and limping were so realistic that I freaked out and ran back inside, screaming. They think it was the greatest prank ever. FML

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42961

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By Titatoum - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I was accused of letting my dog take a shit on the sidewalk and not picking it up. My dog's a chihuahua, and the turd was almost longer than he is. I got fined anyway. FML

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32838

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By nyx - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. When I happily told my dad, he kept asking if I'd consider taking back my ex. FML

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By DirtyNurse - 5/12/2020 07:01 - United States - Center Point

Such a rewarding career

Today, I got projectile-vomited on while trying to administer meds to a patient. Twenty minutes later, a patient with schizophrenia threw his shitty diaper at my face. All this happened in the first hour of my 12-hour shift. I didn't bring any extra scrubs and I live an hour away from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

920

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143

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By idiot says "you raised him" - Canada - Barrie

Today, my son got in serious trouble after he was caught trying to sell weed to people in the street. The good news is that the "weed" was just actual weeds he'd pulled from our lawn. The bad news is that at age 16, my son is too stupid to know the difference. FML

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57103

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7947

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I tried fixing my dad's lawnmower after he said, "Girls can't change a lightbulb right, let alone fix a machine." An hour later, when I had the lawnmower running again, he bitched me out for trying to make him "look stupid." He's been sulking and acting pissy ever since. FML

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57758

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By Anonymous

Crisis

Today, I had a customer throw his purchase at me and demand a refund after I told him that, due to the national change shortage, I couldn't give him his 38 cents. FML

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1317

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313

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By has an old monitor - Germany - Berlin

Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML

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33831

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3227

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By BoooMa - 31/3/2021 20:00

Not good enough

Today, my ex-fiancé got married. He left me at the altar last year because the thought of marriage and “taking such a big step” scared him. He’s only been with his new girlfriend for 6 months. Apparently I’m not good enough to marry. FML

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950

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By smellymcgee - United States - Farmington

Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I had to open a floor vent and scoop up the turd that was inside. Funnily enough, today was the day my scumbag roommate moved out, but I'm sure he had absolutely nothing to do with it. FML

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13374

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777

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By mylifesucks22 - United States

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream. I dreamt that I got a promotion at work and doubled my income, the dream was so great that I tried so hard not to wake up. When I did wake up it was 10 o'clock, two hours late for work I noticed I had a voicemail from my boss. I was fired for being late. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14511

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32100

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By MickeyDManager - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I tutored in high school in basic ENGLISH just received her PhD in Biophysics. I am now the manager of a McDonald's. I was also the Valedictorian of our graduating class. FML

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44586

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By dajfleasd - United States

Today, I was getting ready for a date. I spent extra time getting ready in the shower, making sure I was all shaved. I was shaving my upper lip to make sure I didn't have a mustache. I cut my lip really badly, leaving the most noticable razor cut on my face for my date. I'm a girl. FML

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39984

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By cbarr98 - United States - Orange City

Today, I lost all of my male friends at work. Why? The new girl has my same interests and a prettier face. FML

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30749

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By theuglyone - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

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12050

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815

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By ApparentWeirdo

Today, my boyfriend called me weird because I keep gloves in the glove box in my car. He's never seen that before. FML

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1830

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319

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By Strainer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

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28484

You deserved it

5965

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By Ama_544347571 - Sierra Leone

Today, a customer came to my shop and asked our shop assistant if we had Smart TVs. She replied, "No we only have LG and Samsung." FML

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3018

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407

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By ProFesser

Today, while heading outside to go to work, I slip on my driveway and my coffee thermos-mug ends up flying out of my hand, and smashes my next door neighbor's brand new truck window. The thermos-mug broke and splashed hot coffee all over his seats too. He's a hard-ass military dude. FML

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4459

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By WhyBother - 21/2/2021 05:02

Starfish

Today, while having sex with my husband, I was tired so a lot more of a starfish than I usually am. My husband came sooner and harder than he ever had, and declared it the best sex we've had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

951

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276

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By badbirthday - Canada

Today, is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparantly my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked infront of half my school. FML

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127167

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By TragicallyAnxious

Today, I had a draft paper due that I hadn’t written yet. I decided to skip the class to avoid embarrassment. Later, I went to change my major and was told to go to room 223 to talk to the English department head. I knocked on the door and the professor whose class I'd skipped answered. FML

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574

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2361

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By crap - United States

Today, I finally told my best friend whom I've secretly been in love with for two years that I was in love with her but at the last second chickened out and said I was joking. She replied with "Don't scare me like that. I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend for a second" FML

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71280

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By Spec - United States

Today, my blind friend bragged to a group of people that she knew all of us by smell. We all took turns standing in front of her, and she would tell us who we were. When I got in front of her, she thought I was my dog. FML

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52496

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my favorite stuffed animal I had as a child in the trash bin. I took it out to find that it felt wet and smelt funny. Apparently, my younger brother cut a hole in the butt of it and used it to masturbate. FML

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56781

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3957

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By LJ - United States

Today, my mother finally had her beloved Siamese cat cremated. The cat has been dead for over a week and she has been keeping it on her bed, stroking its fur and saying, "She looks like she's sleeping" and "She's so cold." To top it all off, she's been calling me by the cat's name for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

95200

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4270

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Collins

Today, after having lost my phone three days ago, I paid a $150 non-refundable fee to have my phone replaced and mailed to me by Tuesday. A half hour later, I found my original phone. FML

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27380

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By pheonixxe - United States - Sheridan

Today, frustrated with my very energetic kids, I told them that if they dug a hole deep enough in the backyard, they'd find China. What they really found was the previous owner's dog. FML

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31854

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8217

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By idontevencareanymore - United States - Jarrell

Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML

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46075

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By liltravol23 - United States

Today, the only cute girl in my office made fun of me because I'm 27 and bring fruit cups with my lunch. FML

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25113

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4587

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By grlks - United States

Today, I told a girl I liked her. She replied, "Don't". FML

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62011

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5851

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By Professionally Curtious

Today, I was offered my dream job. When I gave my current employer my 2+ weeks notice so they'd have time to find a replacement, I was told to pack up and leave immediately. Now I'm out a month's pay because I gave notice instead of just leaving. FML

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5977

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Top comments

By davidfong | 14

#7778122 - Thursday 7 March 2019 16:10

Unless your pulling into your driveway or a busy street where backing it will make is easier and safer for you to leave the spot. Just pull in head first. I bet that’s why those people who were watching didn’t say anything.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7778107 - Thursday 7 March 2019 15:33

Serves you right, you reverse-parking prick!

You people gum things up in parking lots by taking forever to do your difficult maneuver which is beyond your skills. Just front in and be done with it!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7778107 - Thursday 7 March 2019 15:33

Serves you right, you reverse-parking prick!

You people gum things up in parking lots by taking forever to do your difficult maneuver which is beyond your skills. Just front in and be done with it!

By davidfong | 14

#7778122 - Thursday 7 March 2019 16:10

By bloopaloop | 27

#7778228 - Thursday 7 March 2019 22:47

Women...

By StagGT | 13

#7778263 - Friday 8 March 2019 0:44

get better