Today, I tried to back my car into my parking space while some...

By Dentedbumper

Today, I tried to back my car into my parking space while some of my neighbors were out by their cars. I accidentally rammed into the retaining wall behind my spot. I was hoping the neighbors didn't notice the huge crunching sound, but they did. FML

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Dangling modifier

Pleased to meet you

Fuck the patriarchy

By Anonymous - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 14:01

Venmo me

Today, my mother-in-law called to find out how the first week of school went for the kids. She spent most of the call complaining about her husband. I'd like to send her a bill for her trying to use me as a therapist. FML

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By Tampax - Spain - Cuenca

Today, my hand was stung by a wasp. It has resulted in all my fingers being swollen and therefore much bigger than usual. I'm getting married tomorrow and there's no way I can get the ring on my finger. FML

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By sad - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I was eating a fancy dinner with my girlfriend at a restaurant. Suddenly, my ex-girlfriend, who was seemingly still angry after our breakup 2 years ago, saw me through the window. She walked in, took my spaghetti dinner, shoved it in my face, and stormed out. FML

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By nutcracker - Slovenia

Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML

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By Iron11

Today, I had a date with a girl I've liked for a while. We went out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. I was obviously going to pay, but when the bill came I realized I'd forgotten my wallet. When I told her, she thought I was a cheap liar and now she won't answer my calls. FML

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By Lily - United States - San Antonio

Today, I fell going down the stairs and hit my head on the wall. My parents came frantically running to my side, but only to make sure I hadn't damaged the wall. FML

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By cocokiss410 - United States

Today, while I was at work, a co-worker watched while some kid stole the radio out of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, after the longest time, I went to the gym. I ran and ran and ran on the treadmill for an eternity, beating myself up for getting so overweight. Then I tripped and fell off, sweating and sobbing for being so useless. When I looked up, I saw I'd been on the machine for barely 2 minutes. FML

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By emonsteadman - United States - Denton

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, a baseball bat fell on my head while my boyfriend and I were cuddling. The same baseball bat that he keeps next to the bed, because he genuinely fears a zombie outbreak. FML

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By jshibbz0993 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my boyfriend about our excessive water bill. He then says, "Don't look at me, I don't even shower." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I had a job interview. I didn't have any clothes suitable for the interview, so I went to the store early and bought some there. After the interview, I went to return the clothes, because they were so expensive. The hiring manager saw me. FML

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By Dingbat - United States - Quarryville

Today, I started playing softball again in a league after not playing for about 5 years. My very first time at the bat I whacked a foul ball into the parking lot and hit my own car. FML

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By datingamoron - United States

Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of "Fart", and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML

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By ostler - United Kingdom

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

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By nutrigrain123 - United States

Today, I was driving in my car with my daughter, who was eating a nutri-grain bar. After a while she holds out her hand saying, "It's on my finger! I don't wanna eat it!" I pick up the little piece of nutri-grain filling and put it in my mouth, only to realize it was a large booger. FML

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Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML

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By bluewinter - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minutes, I noticed a girl, possibly one of his sister's friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 20:02

Mystery message service

Today, my two year-old opened one of my boyfriend's Snapchat messages. It was from a girl I've never heard of with, whom he has a 700+ day streak and is one of his top friends. The message said, "I wish?" FML

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By Smirky - India - Bangalore

Today, while walking down the aisle of a movie theatre, I passed gas so loudly that the audience missed the climax of the film laughing at me. FML

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By hatethatiloveyou - United States

Today, my crush talked to me for the first time. He told me to stop staring. FML

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37864

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By Moondoggie_ggk69 - United States

Today, I was washing my hair in the shower when the water went ice cold. It's 20 degrees outside and we have soft water which takes a longer time to wash away soap. FML

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By dieders - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I thought she wasn't being serious when she said her mum wanted me to pay to stay the night at her house for the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 02:00

Killing in the name of

Today, I've loved for years that my boyfriend works at an animal shelter, but I learned from his coworker that he’s the guy that puts the animals to sleep, full time, sometimes 30 a day. Now I’m disgusted to sit in the same room as him, because he always says he loves his job. FML

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By Childhood - United States

Today, I went to my little cousin's school to pick her up and it happened to be my old elementary school. I saw my old teacher and went up to say hi, and after a few minutes she goes "Aren't you the girl who's dad always came in drunk on parent's day?" Nice to know that's how I'm remembered. FML

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By NoBasement4U - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

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By skatergrrrl - United States

Today, I had my first ice skating lesson. I had to wait 5 years for a rink to open in my town, 2 weeks for my lessons to begin, but only 10 minutes to fall and hit my tailbone so hard that I can't walk. FML

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By littledonny

Today, I went to school wearing the same jacket I had gone hiking in the previous day. When I found out that I had left my 2" pocket knife in the pocket I immediately turned it in to the front office. They promptly had me arrested for bringing a weapon on campus. FML

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By darquedraconian - United States - Rapid City

Today, my son gave me some flowers for Mother's Day. Unfortunately, the only time I can enjoy them is when I go into the bathroom where they are kept so the cat doesn't eat them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

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By TimeForACareerChange - United States

Plop

Today, I told a patient that we needed to collect a stool sample. I left the room momentarily to retrieve what the patient would need. He apparently didn't need anything besides the counter in the exam room. FML

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By Maruska28

Today, we bought our first home after months of searching and years of saving. It's directly in the path of Hurricane Irma and may be destroyed before we even get the chance to move in. FML

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By HairyLeggedItalian - United States

Today, I was putting a wooden shelf into my new TV stand. Right before I put it in, I rested it on my leg. I then realized that the wood was of poor quality, and it gave me splinters. Now, I can't remove the splinters, because I can't find their exact location under my really hairy legs. FML

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By Miss_Blaine - United States - Houston

Today, I learned that my husband and I share the same taste in men. FML

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13794

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By retard99 - Canada

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend on MSN. I screen-copied my desktop to show her the conversation I was having with my best friend. Minutes later she replied asking why I had a porn site opened on the other tab. Oops. FML

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By blinkme - United States

Today, I was at a concert and the guy who was selling the drinks tripped and fell down the stairs, landing on the floor next to me and the drinks went all over. I went to make sure he was okay and helped pick up the drinks. After assuring me he was okay, he gave me a free soda. It exploded. FML

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By NatchezParadox

Tinder surprised

Today, I watched as my Tinder date arrived at the coffee shop and mistook another woman for me. He never realized she was the wrong girl, and they spent the entire date together before leaving. The only similarity between me and the other woman was our hair. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I still can't get my ex out of my house. It's been a year and he, "refuses to give up on something special." FML

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By Scaredshitless - France

Today, after waiting to get home to go to the bathroom, my six year old neighbor popped out and literally scared the shit out of me. FML

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Top comments

By davidfong | 14

#7778122 - Thursday 7 March 2019 16:10

Unless your pulling into your driveway or a busy street where backing it will make is easier and safer for you to leave the spot. Just pull in head first. I bet that’s why those people who were watching didn’t say anything.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7778107 - Thursday 7 March 2019 15:33

Serves you right, you reverse-parking prick!

You people gum things up in parking lots by taking forever to do your difficult maneuver which is beyond your skills. Just front in and be done with it!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7778107 - Thursday 7 March 2019 15:33

Serves you right, you reverse-parking prick!

You people gum things up in parking lots by taking forever to do your difficult maneuver which is beyond your skills. Just front in and be done with it!

By davidfong | 14

#7778122 - Thursday 7 March 2019 16:10

By bloopaloop | 27

#7778228 - Thursday 7 March 2019 22:47

Women...

By StagGT | 13

#7778263 - Friday 8 March 2019 0:44

get better