Miscellaneous: Today, I actually had to explain to my husband why his habit... - FML

By grossedout - 29/08/2013 16:26 - United States - Endicott

Today, I actually had to explain to my husband why his habit of wiping his boogers off into our baby's hair has to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 063

You deserved it 3 698

Compromises

Best teeth in the game

Vulture

Which side are you on?

By FMyCountry - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, during a football match, the referee declared a goal as invalid. The dad of the kid who scored didn't agree, which led to an all-out fight among all the kids' parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 117

You deserved it 284

By a non e mouse - 10/11/2015 22:34 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I tried to unlock my house's front door by hitting the unlock button on my car keys. It took me some time to realize my mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 897

You deserved it 8 127

By sadface - 04/01/2010 06:43 - Australia

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 421

You deserved it 7 398

By Anonymous - 14/07/2018 05:00

Today, my 92-year-old great-grandfather ran down the stairs in excitement, despite his severe arthritis. He told my great-grandmother that he was having the first erection in over 10 years, and grandma ordered me to leave so they could do it right there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 617

You deserved it 743

Leaking all over the place

By JR. - 08/08/2020 20:02

Today, my nearly ex-husband called in a panic so I could come rescue the dogs because he'd called 911 due to a gas leak at the house. I came over, after which the fire department and gas company inspected, and they found the issue. The dog. The dog farted so bad it smelled like rotten eggs and was mistaken for a gas leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 505

You deserved it 131

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 06:02 - United States

Today, I took this gorgeous girl from work to eat at Olive Garden. I was trying to be romantic and had the waiter bring two glasses of wine. I guess she doesn't really drink wine, she covered her fettucini Alfredo in vomit. After dinner, she thanked me with a french kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 911

You deserved it 7 893

By ltwlty - 20/09/2016 07:07 - China - Beijing

Today, I still can't poop unless I hear the sound of the bathroom fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 746

You deserved it 1 383

By stuck - 11/08/2010 12:01 - Australia

Today, because the two other managers decided to go on a spa day together, I had to stay at work despite the fact I spent most of the day throwing up in the bathroom. They called me to say what a good day they had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 229

You deserved it 2 898

By highschoolnobody - 23/06/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I was looking through my high school yearbook. I found a picture of myself and a couple of my friends at our senior prom. The caption gave the names of all my friends, their dates who didn't attend our school, and listed me only as "guest." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 478

You deserved it 2 924

By Bluevayero - 12/03/2019 14:00

Today, I found out I lost a promotion intended for me because I was on planned vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 353

You deserved it 144

By LuvShawn - 27/02/2009 18:39 - United States

Today, I walked home from a guy's dorm early in the morning, still wearing my dress and heels from the night before. I walked by a mother and her little daughter, who said "Mommy, why is she so dressed up so early in the morning?" and the mom replied "Because honey, she makes bad decisions." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 335

You deserved it 67 333

By Anonymous - 15/11/2015 17:36 - United States - Show Low

Today, I picked up an elderly woman walking alone in the cold. I asked her where she was going but she didn't respond. Thinking she was just cold, I kept driving until a man driving erratically kept honking at me. Turns out he's her husband and she has severe Alzheimers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 072

You deserved it 2 257

By baseball25635 - 01/10/2009 18:27 - United States

Today, I was at my son's baseball game when a foul ball came flying toward my brand new car. In an attempt to save my windshield, I dove onto trying to stop the ball only to land on my windshield, crack it and see the ball land safely on the ground next to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 408

You deserved it 40 329

By Iman - 04/05/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 116 653

You deserved it 293 036

By AsshatUncle - 30/11/2015 02:47 - United States - Tampa

Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 260

You deserved it 1 419

By crazychick - 19/08/2009 16:40 - Canada

Today, I was told I have bipolar disorder. I'm 31. It took so long to diagnose because my mom always figured I was "just a super bitch half the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 248

You deserved it 5 134

Doggy dog world

By limey6g - 22/10/2021 17:00

Today, I work at a doggy day care. Employees are not allowed to leave the dogs unsupervised for any reason. So while I was alone in a yard, my stomach decided that it would be the perfect time to empty itself. Because I didn’t want to lose my job, I puked in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 847

You deserved it 79

By MrFerret - 06/05/2011 03:41

Today, it's my birthday, and my present is that my mom is coming over to see me so that she can borrow three hundred dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 646

You deserved it 3 387

By ithinkicanmakeit - 20/08/2014 17:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I'm getting married. I have a big poofy white dress and, oh yes, the shits. Here's hoping I can make it down the aisle without rushing off to the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 259

You deserved it 3 494

By Username - 28/05/2010 06:20 - France

Today, it was the hottest day of the year so I opened my sun roof. The hottest day of the year was followed by the biggest storm of the year. I forgot to close my sun roof and my car is now flooded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 138

You deserved it 32 553

By Noname - 15/02/2009 05:44 - United States

Today, I stood by the wall at a party while everyone else danced and ignored me. It was my birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 879

You deserved it 11 566

By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 07:08 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 080

You deserved it 3 763

By Anonymous - 02/05/2011 17:43 - United States

Today, I helped my parents move out of their old house. While I was guiding my dad down the stairs with the couch, my mom asked me to pick up the tape on the step below me. I bent over and grunted. My dad thought I said "Go" and kept moving. He knocked me down two flights of steps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 657

You deserved it 4 224

By spitstopper - 07/08/2014 02:22 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I stopped two little boys from spitting over a railing at the piano player two floors below in the department store I work at. Their mom complained to my boss about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 530

You deserved it 3 076

Filth

By roughsexgonewrong - 05/11/2013 18:01 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying, "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 139

You deserved it 11 562

Horno

By horno - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I asked my dad why the WiFi was down. He just replied, "Why? Horno can't get no more porno?" No, "Horno" has an assignment. WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 436

You deserved it 2 596

By Frazzled - 10/04/2011 10:59 - United States

Today, after three days of hospital camping with my very sick husband, he was finally out of danger when I left last night to get my first good night's sleep in almost 96 hours. He woke me at 5 a.m. with a phone call asking me to bring him comic books because he's bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 471

You deserved it 11 282

Parenting is exhausting

By ThreeWeeksWithoutSex - 28/12/2015 05:43 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, our daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid-blow job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 221

You deserved it 2 858

By pierced. - 25/06/2014 04:29 - United States - Reno

Today, I went to a seamstress to be fitted for my wedding dress and left with a pierced nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 785

You deserved it 6 105

By A.W - 24/06/2012 13:57 - United States

Today, I received an acceptance letter to Juilliard. After showing it to my mom, she tells me I can't attend because Robin Williams graduated from Juilliard, and he now has too much facial hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 964

You deserved it 2 238

By sexybelly - 26/03/2015 08:35 - Australia - Parramatta

Today, I was asked when my baby is due. My baby was due 6 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 815

You deserved it 4 601

By Username - 15/07/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 131

You deserved it 7 924

By Anon - 27/08/2015 08:37 - United States

Today, I was telling my coworker that I was considering quitting the shady, 50-shades-of-scum business we work at. He snitched to our boss, who quickly fired me on bullshit charges of incompetence, theft, and workplace bullying. I guess I'm not getting a good reference from him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 288

You deserved it 5 825

By Anonymous - 02/07/2012 07:23

Today, I had my end of year physics exam. I wasn't sure about some stuff, so I hid my notes and textbook in the bathroom. Halfway through, I got up, went to the bathroom, and as soon as I picked up the book, forgot what I was looking for. I can't even cheat right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 763

You deserved it 53 266

WTF mom?

By whowhat - 11/07/2013 06:26 - United States

Today, I came home at 1 am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 567

You deserved it 4 019

By leopard - 01/06/2018 19:00

Today, I was finally confident enough to buzz half my hair off into the style I've wanted since I was young. Turns out that I have a particularly large and angry-looking skin problem across my scalp that may well have been there for years. It'll take months to grow back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 333

You deserved it 818

By Omi - 20/10/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I microwaved a cup of soup. While walking back to my desk to eat and do homework, I noticed a message that said, "WARNING: Hold cup by sides, as lid may not be secure." At that exact moment, the lid that I was holding fell off and the soup drenched my Nintendo DS, and printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 853

You deserved it 41 475

By stuck - 19/09/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, I went to see my boyfriend with the intention of breaking up with him. Instead I discovered that he lost his job today and has to move back in with his parents. I can't bring myself to dump someone who's already crying about his horrible day. Now I have to comfort my soon-to-be ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 654

You deserved it 10 889

By uppiskalle - 12/09/2014 14:32 - United States - Riverside

Today, my car was stolen from my driveway. I reported it to the police, the insurance company, and my neighbors, and begged for help via social media. As I walked to catch a bus, I saw my car parked outside my school. I forgot I left it there last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 548

You deserved it 45 597

By themcdave - 19/05/2012 08:03 - United Kingdom - Cranfield

Today, I woke up early for an important team meeting I needed to attend. I washed, got changed, and sat down to eat breakfast... I then woke up again, an hour late and covered in cereal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 525

You deserved it 4 528

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:46

Well, I hope it was snot too hard to explain.

KylieMangion 22

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:50

I cannot believe why a grown man would do that to his own baby O.O

Comments

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:46

Well, I hope it was snot too hard to explain.

MrSassypants 32

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Friday 30 August 2013 3:18

Or that he should, booger off. Get it? Like bug off but it makes.... no sense.... FUCK I SUCK!

wingedangel123 8

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Friday 30 August 2013 3:28

@27 No worries, you've redeemed your HONOUR by admitting it. Now you have punty of time to study up! ... ...yes I admit that was bad, too.

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Friday 30 August 2013 4:00

Are you married to Peter Griffin?

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Friday 30 August 2013 4:09

No, no I am not. Surprisingly common question though.

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Friday 30 August 2013 11:13

His fingers have been in other holes besides his nostrils. Like his mouth after picking his nose? Or other holes

KylieMangion 22

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:50

I cannot believe why a grown man would do that to his own baby O.O

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Friday 30 August 2013 4:01

Well it'd be gross to do it to your own hair.

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Friday 30 August 2013 6:38

That is disgusting and abusive. What kind of pathetic person tread their own child that way? I'd divorce that lame excuse for a man.

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Friday 30 August 2013 7:02

Calm down.. He just wiped boogers in the baby's hair.. It's not like he hit it.

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Friday 30 August 2013 8:08

That's really gross... She should start wiping boogers in his hair while he sleeps if he doesn't stop.

tommylover842 23

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Friday 30 August 2013 8:16

It would be even more gross if he did it to someone else's baby...

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Friday 30 August 2013 19:33

Your baby must be really happy with you as a parent, since you think mistreating a baby that can't defend itself is "no big deal".

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Saturday 31 August 2013 17:48

some babies eat their own shit and your arking up because he wiped some boogers on his own childs head- who i hope has baths so its not like there is a collections of boogers on this kids head. i personally think its hilarious! but i assume youre a close minded christian with a bible shoved up their ass. you have no right being on FML

fuckpeople307 5

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:50

Someone needs to learn to be a better father

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Friday 30 August 2013 8:42

Someone needs to learn to stop taking douche bag shirtless selfies.

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Friday 30 August 2013 18:18

Faceless shirtless selfless at that hahahaha. OP should introduce her husband to a box of Kleenex and make him use those instead of the babies head... Fucking people are so dumb!

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Saturday 31 August 2013 5:17

Yes, introduce your husband to a box of Kleenex. And if he doesn't stop wiping boogers in baby's hair, he'll need those tissues for a second reason.

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:51

im sure the baby does a good enough job putting his OWN boogers in his hair, without the extra help. but, you know what they say: the more the merrier!

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:58

Yeah, probably OP's husband thought that just made it a victimless crime.

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:51

Wow. You've got yourself quite a sophisticated husband there.

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:52

That is so messed up

JE553 9

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:52

I've herd boogers give your hair a great shine

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:54

And it's a cheap way to dye your hair green.

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:55

You're doing it wrong. Boogers cannot be herded, but are awesome on leashes.

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:56

And doubles as gel!

JE553 9

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Friday 30 August 2013 3:27

#10 Damn, I guess all the money I put into a booger barn is wasted now

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Friday 30 August 2013 2:58

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Friday 30 August 2013 3:00

Kleenex!!! Tissue!!! Something else! My god how is snotty baby hair better tossing a tissue? You would have to wash that out or something? Nasty.

katnissmellark_fml 15

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Friday 30 August 2013 3:01

what if the boogers are the baby's and not your husband? just a thought.

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Friday 30 August 2013 3:09

My guess is she saw it happen.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 445

You deserved it 127

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 2 635