Miscellaneous: Today, I was reading the end of my book. I turn the page and... - FML

By poupi - France

Today, I was reading the end of my book. I turn the page and see, written at the top: "Lauren kills Paul in the end... You shouldn't have pissed me off." It was from my sister, we had a fight yesterday. FML

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Commando

Our house, in the middle of our street

The smell detective is on the case

By Jaclyn Hoffman - 27/12/2020 23:01

Come on 2021

Today, I realized how much 2020 has been an FML. We dealt with lockdown, stressful home renovations, losing a job due to health issues, and giant vet bills when we're already in debt up to our eyeballs. This has been a great start to our first year of marriage. FML

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By tedfragle - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I realised that as I get closer to home, I drive slower and slower so I'm away from my husband for longer. FML

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By thatguythere858 - United States

Today, I woke up with a foul stench forcing its way up my nostrils. It turns out our septic tank broke, and is now leaking into our backyard, and sadly, our basement. I live in the basement. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

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By Boar - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while I was waiting at a red light, another car slammed into me. By the time I got out to assess the damage, the other car was empty and there was nobody in sight. Either Moby Dickwad was abducted by aliens mid-crash, or he was behind on his insurance payments. FML

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By SingleStrongArm - Canada - Oshawa

Today, marks the third week in which my girlfriend has gone without taking a shower. She does this every so often, taking showers roughly once per month. She's convinced baby wipes will "hold her over". FML

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By HappilyNeverAfter - Canada - Port Perry

My body hates me

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my pregnant girlfriend and I moved into our first home together, signing a 1-year lease. Less than 12 hours later, we've discovered that the place is infested with cockroaches and we have a mouse. The landlord won't let us out of the contract. FML

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By Skyler - United States

Today, my school took part in a standardized state test. After finishing, I decided to take a nap, only to be awoken by the test monitor, who wanted me to leave. Apparently, I was ferociously farting in my sleep and was disturbing the people still taking the test. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was watching 24 and realized that Jack Bauer had gotten more action in 5 hours than I had in 5 months. FML

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By courtbabbbby - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

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By jetlagged - Sweden

Today, for an eight hour flight to Copenhagen, Denmark, I paid extra to get a seat offering more leg room. Unfortunately, the man behind me was so tall, his knees were pressing against my back the entire flight. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was diagnosed with a tumor and had to cancel on the holidays with my crush of 4 years. He is taking another girl with him instead. FML

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By Ilovelife07

Today, I got pulled over heading home from college. My car was full of my stuff from moving out, and I couldn't reach the glove box. I told the cop this, and asked if he wanted me to go around to the passenger side to get my paperwork. He agreed. When I got out of the car, he pepper sprayed me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nevada

Dumbasses

Today, I gave my daughter the sex talk. Barely 10 minutes later, her public Facebook status read, "My mom's a total pedo," after which she mentioned the talk. Her friend posted, "That's sexual harassment. You can sue for that." Clearly I've failed as a parent. FML

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By hard - Canada

Today, I was at the grocery store and this hot guy was staring at my ass, so I smiled at him. My mother noticed he was checking my ass out, and she approached him and said "I know she has a big ass, but it's rude to stare, son." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dalton

Today, I announced to my family that I got accepted into Harvard. My grandma laughed and muttered, "Liar." FML

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By Zuzubat - Canada - Edmonton

Today, a soon-to-be-ex co-worker flew into a rage when she saw she wasn't on the schedule for next week. The boss told her it's because she quit. She reminded the boss she wants to keep working part-time. My new job is inventing tasks for her to do to keep her calm. FML

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By The Lone Ranger - United States

Today, I was given a $25 gift certificate for being Employee Of The Week. The gift certificate was 6 months past its expiration date. FML

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By Zack - United States - Duncannon

Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went swimming with this guy I like at dammed river. While we were jumping off the dam, I decided to try to impress him by doing a front flip. I didn't jump far enough off, so when I went to flip, my face skidded down the concrete wall. FML

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By ballnchain - United States

Today, my insanely jealous wife flipped out and made me promise never to hug any of my female friends or go to lunch with them, ever. It's "cheating." FML

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By justthinkofyourhand - United States - Salida

Today, after five years of dating, my boyfriend finally proposed to me. The words "just think of the tax breaks" were uttered. FML

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By Kyrstin Budd

Today, I noticed a lady at work staring at me very intently. When she realized she had my attention, she made a sweeping gesture over her head and said, "Hair is like Trump!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML

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By probably single - Denmark - Gram

Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas. Too bad the second ticket isn't for me. I guess her ex-boyfriend will have a wonderful time with her. FML

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By Telemistake - United States

Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days...I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Sweet talker

Today, my boyfriend said to me, "You know how I know I love you? I don't want you to leave after we have sex." He thinks that's a compliment. FML

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By bleeding - United States

Today, while I was waiting for an interview, I picked at a something I felt on my chin thinking that it was just some food. I had a good interview. Then I got into my car and looked in the mirror, and saw that I had blood smeared all over my chin. Turns out I had picked a zit. No one told me. FML

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By Unlucky - Saudi Arabia

Today, my daughter finally walked down the aisle with a man she loves very much. While I was escorting her, I managed to trip and fall down revealing what I've been trying to hide all of this time: my shiny gleaming bald head that showed when my wig fell off. FML

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By Unnoticed - Australia - Thornlie

Today, my colleague introduced herself and said, "I know how nerve-racking first days are!" Which is nice of her, except I've been at this company longer than she has. FML

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By IPicasso

Today, my brother sent me over a dozen screenshots from his phone, because he couldn't work out why it wasn't capturing all the paint he'd managed to smear on the screen. FML

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By grandpa porn

Today, while I was walking to the kitchen, I heard someone on the TV moaning. As I made my way down the stairs, I saw my grandfather quickly change the channel and lean forward. I'm 90% sure I caught my grandpa watching porn. FML

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By PC Jones - Australia

Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML

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By ;_; - Canada - Burlington

Today, I saw a guy in the street drawing caricatures, and I decided to pay him to do one of me. Being a caricature, I looked pretty monstrous in it. When I showed it to my mum later, she shuddered and said, "Yeah, looks just like you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, seconds after my mom put my yorkie onto my bed, he threw up. His head was not fully over the bed itself, so the wet chunks fell straight into my backpack onto my new school books. FML

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By Savviecat97

Today, I finally got to see the results of the new timesheet I made to make things simpler for both the employees and the managers. Apparently, 75% of them don't know how to read. FML

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By Icy - United States

Today, my crush was talking to me on Facebook. He said, "Did you know that 99% of the time a guy is talking to a girl it's because he wants to go out with her? Yeah, well, this is that 1%." FML

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By NotThatButton - United States - Missoula

Today, I accidentally deleted my landlord's pictures of his child's graduation, girlfriend, daughter and vacation when he asked me to delete a video off his phone. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got stood up by all five of my friends. I had to spend two hours getting hit on by a guy because I didn't feel safe to drive home. Their excuse? They didn't think I was serious when I said I was already at the bar. FML

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Top comments

By ohguru | 0

#1981 - Friday 13 February 2009 23:31

oh man, that would royally piss me off.

By kat666 | 0

#17056 - Friday 6 March 2009 0:26

I'll have to remember that type of revenge! Thanks for sharing!!!

COMMENTS

By ohguru | 0

#1981 - Friday 13 February 2009 23:31

oh man, that would royally piss me off.

By Eir_fml | 1

#3302 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 11:06

what book?

By kat666 | 0

#17056 - Friday 6 March 2009 0:26

I'll have to remember that type of revenge! Thanks for sharing!!!

By emorockerownage | 9

#26969 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 22:48

lmao thats great

By Root123 | 0

#34027 - Monday 16 March 2009 4:48

Never finish that book.

By crazybe3bshot31 | 0

#37676 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 18:16

lmaoo.

By juicebahx | 0

#41024 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 22:22

Baha. What a bitch.

By Dimaranien | 1

#48837 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:01

keeping that one for revenge-o scenarios. haha, to do that for a member of my family would be personal assault.

By WesHarpz | 0

#51585 - Monday 23 March 2009 3:03

Its probably CHERUB

Reply

U2dabest | 0

#880714 - Monday 22 February 2010 2:55

cherub is awesome!! but I do not think that Lauren kills him, just makes his back realllly sore by hitting him with a shovel

By lovemischa | 0

#59599 - Thursday 26 March 2009 10:44

AHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!! My sister is reading Breaking Dawn now. I will keep that in mind.