Health: Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because...

By Ow - 18/04/2014 11:09 - United States - Golden Valley

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 450

You deserved it 59 648

Health

Vulture

Animal lover

Stand up guy

Unaware ableist

By Anonymous - 31/08/2020 04:01 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I sat outside for a half hour hysterically laughing at this kid next door for constantly mooing like a cow. My mum came out to inform me the kid is severely disabled. I even mooed back at one stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 641

You deserved it 1 986

By cduran2011 - 14/10/2011 15:23 - United States

Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 478

You deserved it 12 311

By Anonymous - 31/12/2008 01:36 - France

Today, I am spending new year absolutely alone. My girlfriend canceled our plans the day before so she could spend it with alcohol and strangers. Somehow, I still love her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 024

You deserved it 11 247

Quiet down!

By grooveshark - 30/09/2020 20:01

Today, I could hear my parents having sex from the other end of my house. My mom set the stove on fire because she forgot she was cooking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 179

You deserved it 101

By moe - 15/02/2011 03:07 - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a Happy Valentine's day was a wrong number calling my cell phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 922

You deserved it 3 920

By Anonymous - 22/06/2019 18:02

Today, I offered to help my mother-in-law boil noodles for some noodle soup. She loudly said, "You know how!?" I'm a chef. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 543

You deserved it 127

By Ughh! - 20/02/2013 20:40 - France

Today, the people living below me have been blasting their music so loudly that I can hear every word as clear as day. The people next door think it's my music and feel the need to bang on the wall and blast their music just as loudly in revenge. I have two very important exams tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 931

You deserved it 3 286

By quickfingers100 - 22/07/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 773

You deserved it 10 676

By Sticky floor - 27/07/2018 05:00

Today, my best friend and roommate has decided to "stop being controlled by society" while at home. This involves him walking around naked, masturbating whenever he wants, and not cleaning up his guys. I've stepped in it three times already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 766

You deserved it 371

By Allycat - 09/10/2013 01:19 - United States - Ronkonkoma

Today, I was working a kid's birthday party dressed as a clown. The child's mother made me change because he was scared of clowns. The only thing I had in my car was a princess costume that was owned by a girl co-worker. So for 4 hours I had to entertain in a tight pink dress. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 073

You deserved it 5 091

By TriangularBanana - 06/05/2016 21:45 - United States - Cypress

Today, a girl stole my heart. She also stole my wallet, phone, and keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 003

You deserved it 1 569

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 17:24 - United States

Today, I found out that after reuniting with an old boyfriend, getting close with his two year old son, and moving closer to him to properly be a part of their lives, he got back together with his ex wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 307

You deserved it 6 185

It's a cult

By Anonymous - 25/01/2021 08:01 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I found out via Facebook that my once-favourite aunt has fully bought into the QAnon bullshit about the "stolen" US election, bible quotes and all. We live in the UK. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 154

By Anonymous - 09/11/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I told the woman that I've had a crush on for some time how I felt. She laughed so hard that water sprayed from her nose and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 529

You deserved it 2 897

By TatooFAIL - 06/10/2009 14:38 - United States

Today, I found out that the phrase I got tattooed on my lower back is misspelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 256

You deserved it 67 691

By BadLuckCarson - 12/02/2013 05:55 - United States - Muscatine

Today, I had my girlfriend over for dinner with my family. My father had dressed up as a girl for a recent gig of his at a local pub. This got somehow brought up at the table. The rest of the dinner conversation consisted of him and my girlfriend discussing bras and lingerie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 731

You deserved it 3 708

By Anonymous - 06/08/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, my eight year old son came to me and said he thinks it's time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mind-fucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it's something all boys his age do. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 288

You deserved it 3 906

There goes the neighborhood

By Lorky - 08/05/2020 02:00 - United States

Today, I received an email from the office of the apartment complex I moved into two months ago. Apparently, a woman a few apartments down from mine was murdered. Time to pack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 404

You deserved it 111

By Tick - 20/08/2018 22:35

Today, I witnessed my first drunken bar brawl. Yes, my 54-year-old husband was one of the participants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 579

You deserved it 213

By Dannylover - 17/02/2009 20:53 - Netherlands

Today, I finally hooked up with a boy I really liked. We were lying in bed and my panties were already off when he asked me : "Would you also have sex with me if you weren't drunk?". I responded "Yes!" and asked him the same question, at which he responded : "No, probably not." FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 150

You deserved it 13 000

By jobless - 06/11/2014 02:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, for the first time since I can remember, I went in to work feeling positive, and that I could make good things happen. At the end of the day, my employment was terminated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 969

You deserved it 3 217

By Karl - 21/02/2011 11:43

Today, I woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there. I got a vase and hit him over the head, not realizing it was my mom's new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 665

You deserved it 5 945

By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 05:58 - United States

Today, I spent all day handing out flyers advertising my services as a psychic. I got only one call. The caller wanted to inform me that I had misspelt the word "psychic" on my flyer. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 773

You deserved it 42 478

By fiercehawk - 18/02/2014 05:45 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I went on a blind date. At the end of the night, I told him I had a surprisingly great time. He replied, "Yeah, that was fun. You're really funny and smart. If you were pretty, I'd totally go out with you again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 087

You deserved it 5 315

Cobra KO

By WeakBitch - 18/02/2018 15:00

Today, during a judo session, I was paired with a thin, frail-looking rookie. Before a mock skirmish, as I'm much bigger, I said I'd take it easy on her, but also to give it her best shot. She immediately threw me on my face to the floor, knocking me out cold in 7 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 741

You deserved it 7 352

By sweet - 26/03/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, I was taking the metro into DC for my internship. Two guys came in and started talking to each other in Arabic. One boy turned to the other said "Do you think shes cute?" The other responded "Her face is hideous but she has nice tits." I am fluent in Arabic. They were looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 227

You deserved it 5 415

By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 10:27 - Australia - Box Hill South

Today, in thanks for my assistance, a customer recommended me a plastic surgeon who could "really help with that face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 853

You deserved it 2 528

By Anonymous - 08/09/2010 18:09 - Greece

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 130

You deserved it 4 668

By NiHao - 28/09/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, I was at my friend's dorm eating supper. He and all his roommates are Chinese, and since I'm majoring in Chinese, I could understand what they were talking about. Too bad none of his friends knew that, and talked about banging me while I was sitting there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 959

You deserved it 3 860

Freakout

By anonymous - 21/07/2021 00:01

Today, my soon-to-be step-daughter had as absolute meltdown at our rehearsal dinner, screaming that I ruined her family. Her parents were divorced 10 years before I even met him. Her mother was there because we’re friends. She’s 23 years-old. I honestly don’t know which one of us was more embarrassed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 220

You deserved it 71

By mydadforgetsme - 04/11/2015 17:26 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 616

You deserved it 1 449

Things ain't changed much

By anon - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I was telling my dad that scientists had discovered a new sea creature. He said it was all BS and that scientists just make things up to cover conspiracies. I'm a biological sciences major. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 093

You deserved it 1 734

By Anonymous - 28/02/2017 14:00 - United States - Troy

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my wish of a pet that I could take care of for a few years. They got a parrot. I guess 75 years or more is a few years to my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 782

You deserved it 1 305

Happy chicken day!

By 3monthsagostillnochkns - 12/09/2021 20:01

Today, after my kids told me they'd saved cash to buy me my dream birthday present - chickens - and after I'd worked excitedly to exhaustion for a week building a coop and chicken yard with no offered help from my husband, I'm now sitting in my empty chicken pen after everyone forgot about my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 263

You deserved it 65

By Anonymous - 24/08/2015 18:59 - United States

Today, I was just a few days away from starting the training for my promotion to management, which involved a healthy pay raise and full time benefits. Today, news came down that the company is filing for bankruptcy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 312

You deserved it 1 561

By cloudberry - 27/05/2012 08:00 - United States - Astoria

Today, I told my mom I was going out to hang out with some friends. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Don't lie to me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 706

You deserved it 2 697

Get where you can!

By Anonymous - 10/06/2014 02:14 - United States - Richmond

Today, I realized how bad my sex life is when I scratched a mosquito bite and almost had an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 324

You deserved it 9 753

By Tyler - 03/08/2009 18:48 - United States

Today, I got a lovely little surprise after I got out of the shower. That lovely little surprise? I got stung in the scrotum by a hornet that had decided to nestle itself inside the towel I was drying off with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 979

You deserved it 3 247

Top brass

By Lipstick lez - 15/05/2021 11:02

Today, my boss told me to kick out of the hotel anyone who was clearly a prostitute trolling for men. I spotted a woman in a miniskirt approaching a guy in the bar, so I told her politely to leave. Despite the skirt, turns out she's the hotel manager and the man was her fiancé. I got fired so hard and fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 750

By Sorry - 02/10/2014 23:51 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it's my birthday. I've spent most of it apologizing to my parents for the "hassle" of "having" to arrange a simple birthday dinner. Sorry I was born, guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 205

You deserved it 3 248

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Top comments

Immortal_Toaster 23

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:11

That's snot very fun..

Pleonasm 35

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:13

Did you then punch yourself in the heart because you wouldn't stop bleeding?

Immortal_Toaster 23

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:11

That's snot very fun..

IloveToLaugh143 21

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:25

That snot going to stop your sneezing, OP.

Wakachulak 22

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Friday 18 April 2014 19:29

And I thought I had anger issues

feven 32

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Friday 18 April 2014 19:36

SHUT THE FUCK UP! *punches self* If I can witness this, I will be satisfied with my life.

Sirmrcrowley 12

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Friday 18 April 2014 19:36

I didn't know America still made that kind of stupid.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Friday 18 April 2014 19:38

Quit hitting yourself.

kuzzy00 22

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Friday 18 April 2014 21:28

Americans are known for that kind of stupid. In New Zealand, we say "Only in America..." in situations such as these.

zandalee 19

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Friday 18 April 2014 21:44

Jake The Muss from Once Were Warriors would have just demanded, "bitch! Make me some eggs!"

BIGBOY4rmAHM 19

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Friday 18 April 2014 23:43

Remember, "who's that pretty girl in the mirror there?"

amicusbriefs 10

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Friday 18 April 2014 23:46

What mirror? Where?

Soloman212 28

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Friday 18 April 2014 23:59

42: anger TISSUES.

onealmxwilson 18

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Saturday 19 April 2014 3:11

My brother has done the exact same thing. I guess he and OP have some things in common.

Brick5000 7

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Saturday 19 April 2014 8:10

#81 - I don't know why that got so many negative votes. I'm American and I laughed my ass off at that!

jonfrenzy 10

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Saturday 19 April 2014 18:55

Do you need a tissue for your issues?

Lebeaugars95 20

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Monday 21 April 2014 16:01

bless you?

INDYSTRUCTABLE 43

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:13

that's kinda stupid.

8born8 18

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:23

Like your comment.

INDYSTRUCTABLE 43

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:33

relax, it's not that serious

8born8 18

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Friday 18 April 2014 19:27

*Throws lamp* Lighten up man.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Friday 18 April 2014 19:39

I love lamp...

mb2_native 15

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Friday 18 April 2014 19:48

Lamp no love you back

RedPillSucks 31

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Friday 18 April 2014 20:27

wrong. Lamp love you long time. Especially when plugged in.

extrasnipes 22

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Friday 18 April 2014 22:48

Lamp gets real turned on when plugged in

Pleonasm 35

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:13

Did you then punch yourself in the heart because you wouldn't stop bleeding?

JMichael 25

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:14

No he punched himself in the brain for doing something so stupid.

8born8 18

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:22

Quiet brain, or I'll poke you with a Q-tip.

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Friday 18 April 2014 19:09

I wonder what he does for hiccups?

JMichael 25

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Friday 18 April 2014 19:36

Throat punch

KVKdragon 26

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Friday 18 April 2014 19:51

Hiccups are caused by diaphragm spasms, not throat issues...

kiki9_fml 10

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Friday 18 April 2014 20:02

Lol yeah, but if he's stupid enough to punch himself in the nose for sneezing too much, then who knows what he'd do if he lost his shit over hiccups!

HersheySquirts 17

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Friday 18 April 2014 22:40

I hope OP doesn't ever get blue balls.

extrasnipes 22

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Friday 18 April 2014 22:49

Does that mean he puts his hand in his when he has the runs?

Misandrist 9

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Friday 18 April 2014 23:15

Don't be so surprised. You can't expect things like emotional restraint from a male.

extrasnipes 22

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Saturday 19 April 2014 0:00

Well just noticed my mistake

falon142012 22

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Saturday 19 April 2014 6:38

I'm sorry, 99 so just because someone has a penis means they don't have to control their emotions? That's a terribly wrong point of view.

Harpy20 24

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Saturday 19 April 2014 8:30

Can't be too surprised. 99's name is misandrist.

Misandrist 9

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Saturday 19 April 2014 16:47

Having a penis doesn't mean being a male. Trans people exist. Cute transphobia, though.

aimzskee 30

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Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:02

Op would probably make an exception for that one.

blueboy154 12

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:13

I did that before...

onlychildFTW 33

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:32

Why? "GRRRR I hate my sneezing I'm going to injure myself!" How stupid must you be?

BubbleGrunge 18

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:14

Is a bloody nose really better than a snotty nose?

NeatNit 32

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:59

A bloody snotty nose is definitely not better than a snotty nose.

invadermaythe1st 35

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:14

It's snot recommended that you do that.

rocker_chick23 27

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:17

I think it's time for you to take anger management classes.

zandalee 19

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Friday 18 April 2014 21:48

This person should never have children. Imagine the reaction to a dirty diaper?

rocker_chick23 27

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Saturday 19 April 2014 0:11

Or the baby crying. I have a feeling if OP does have a kid, it will die of shaken baby syndrome.

supersitter 11

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:08

Shut up jackass. Try being empathetic. I know it's a foreign concept for you, just try your best

rocker_chick23 27

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:16

#112, I suggest you take anger management courses too. Being that angry is really unhealthy

Redoxx_fml 22

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Saturday 19 April 2014 6:30

Goosfrabaa

foxwasalamb 24

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:17

what has society some to? really?

Pleonasm 35

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:38

I know right? You and I are the only normal ones in this face-punching, mad-as-a-hatter society. The amount of decadence in this skidmark society had me close to submission, but thank goodness you came in to save me from this cesspool!

cryssycakesx3 22

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Friday 18 April 2014 19:54

it's the people with pink hair..

8born8 18

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Friday 18 April 2014 20:14

And what about us people with pink hair? There are many levels of pink, some not quite as bright as others.

glabberfasted 16

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:40

Pink? That is definitely purple.

incognito1520 20

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:18

Because of your short temper or because you're dumb?

8born8 18

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Friday 18 April 2014 18:20

Anger management, you're doing it wrong! Perhaps next time, try blowing your nose to clear out the irritation, because it seems that beating it out of there hasn't worked out too well.