Animals: Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea...

By hold your horses pony boy - 18/04/2014 18:24 - United States

Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 154

You deserved it 13 669

Animals

Stop talking!

Weird movie choice

Demonic

By JackG - 03/03/2010 01:20 - United States

Today, while at McDonald's, I saw an 8 year old girl licking a life-size Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench. Being concerned, I told her mother who then yelled at me for 10 minutes for being a "paedophile" and "being turned on by an 8 year old girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 950

You deserved it 3 026

By France Howell - 10/05/2018 15:00

Today, I rushed my wife to the ER because she was having abdominal pains. She was crying in the car and very faintly said, "If I die, our daughter goes to my sister and they get everything in my will." We later found out she was just having a bad gas problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 767

You deserved it 337

By jester777 - 22/01/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 522

You deserved it 49 311

By happyturtle - 01/09/2013 09:57 - Croatia

Today, my friend told me she turned down a job as a babysitter because she didn't want to be secretly videotaped, as she knew the people had a nanny cam. I wasn't aware of this when I took that same job a few nights ago and asked my boyfriend to come by. We had sex on their couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 312

You deserved it 100 957

By Janer88 - 30/11/2009 05:51 - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant when my manager approached me and informed me that there was people having sex in the women's washroom, and he needed me to go in and ask them to cut it out. So I did. Five minutes later, a woman walks out with her disabled son and asks to talk to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 473

You deserved it 3 212

By shark - 27/11/2012 03:03 - United States - Houston

Today, I was separating my notes into two piles: one to save for exam studying and one to throw out. I finished separating, picked up the junk pile and absentmindedly shredded it. Afterwards, I looked down to see the junk pile still completely intact. Goodbye, passing grades. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 622

You deserved it 31 792

Feelings

By Anonymous - 29/07/2013 00:46 - United States - Beaumont

Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 463

You deserved it 9 758

By Veryfunny - 23/02/2012 23:52 - Australia

Today, I came back from a holiday and the friend who'd been looking after my cats returned my spare key. When I wanted to put some relaxing music on, I noticed that he'd switched most of my CDs around in their cases. I have over a thousand of them. Very funny, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 314

You deserved it 4 563

By facepalmshroomer - 07/02/2009 23:24 - United States

Today, I tried hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time with my friend. Little did I know, they last for around 6 hours, and I had class at 3, when I had to give a presentation in front of 30 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 623

You deserved it 85 174

By aroman2312 - 06/09/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, my grandpa decided to charcoal-grill some steaks. Inside the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 193

You deserved it 2 091

Infantilized

By Anonymous - 12/11/2021 20:30 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I realised I get called “buddy” and “champ” at work more than I get called my actual name, I’m 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 695

You deserved it 83

By John Brown - 24/07/2018 15:00

Today, my roommate told me that I have to find a new place to live because I make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. I just had surgery and am bedridden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 646

You deserved it 164

By Anonymous - 16/09/2013 20:30

Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 446

You deserved it 44 796

By ShittyKeys - 06/11/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I dropped my keys in the toilet. While in the kitchen looking for something to fish them out with, I heard a door slam. My sister had to use the bathroom and didn’t see my keys in the toilet before sitting down. Lucky me, I caught her just as she was about to flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 376

You deserved it 5 485

By xxccruzxx - 29/06/2012 13:30 - United States

Today, at work, my phone kept crashing. Without thinking, I announced that it was having a seizure. Who did I announce this to? My boss. Who also happens to have epilepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 135

You deserved it 29 761

By Anonymous - 10/06/2013 15:55 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was in the bathroom at work when I ran out of toilet paper. There was another guy in the restroom so I asked him if he could hand me a roll. He laughed, called me a dumbass, turned off the lights and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 149

You deserved it 6 010

By acme - 04/10/2012 06:20 - Israel

Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 615

You deserved it 2 767

By a manly woman? - 09/02/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, a girl entered the public washroom I was washing my hands in. When she saw me, she stopped dead in her tracks. I then saw her go to the door to make sure she was actually in the girl's washroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 066

You deserved it 4 949

By Anonymous - 03/04/2009 05:23 - Canada

Today, I got in my car. When I sat down, I realized a cat had got in the back seat. The cat startled me so I jumped out and slammed the door. Locking myself out. I watched the cat scratch my seats up for an hour. I'm highly allergic to cats. I can't get in my own car without breaking out in hives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 069

You deserved it 7 576

By krabby patty - 25/05/2018 06:00

Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 378

You deserved it 1 559

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 17:55 - United States

Today, I realized I've been playing too much Call of Duty. I started screaming, "Spawn, bitch! Spawn!" at my microwavable pizza while it was in the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 279

You deserved it 56 022

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 04:18 - United States

Today, my husband thought it would be "funny" to put laxatives in the cakes for my son's 7th birthday party. Over 40 kids came to the party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 526

You deserved it 4 091

First day

By AnotherCrazyCatLady - 20/11/2021 14:03 - Australia

Today, I joined my local fire department. While there, I struggled to open a door. Thinking it was locked, someone saw me and opened it. No it wasn't locked. I just didn't push it hard enough. Great first impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 197

By Oops - 02/05/2016 04:21

Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 114

You deserved it 1 776

By HHIChica - 17/09/2009 11:14 - United States

Today, while my 18 pound cat was on the edge of the tub watching me shower, he fell in. Apparently, in his mind, the best way to get away from the water is to climb my bare legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 366

You deserved it 5 812

By emi - 03/04/2016 17:18 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, the guy I've been seeing asked me to have a threesome. With his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 191

You deserved it 2 722

By jmac - 11/03/2012 03:06 - United States

Today, I dropped a knife while cooking. Luckily it missed my foot, but only because it hit my knee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 355

You deserved it 4 282

WOOF!

By Dweeb - 02/10/2019 18:00

Today, I ran into a parked car and fell into the gutter. All because a dog suddenly barked at me. From the other side of a wooden fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 076

You deserved it 617

By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 00:05 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to wake me up by sprinkling catnip over me then dropping my cat on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 148

You deserved it 3 805

By Anonymous - 19/05/2009 05:16 - Canada

Today, after a long night of partying, I was hanging out with this girl I really like. I was feeling really hungover, so we were just sitting at the park. She confessed to me that she's liked me since the day she met me. Out of excitement and hungoverness, I threw up on her shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 125

You deserved it 21 137

Liar, liar

By skanula414 - 31/12/2014 19:00 - Sweden - Malm?

Today, I found out my 7-year-old daughter really did lie about my husband's "other girlfriend" as revenge for being grounded, and that he never cheated on me at all. We're well into our divorce proceedings and he won't forgive me for not believing him when he denied it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 364

You deserved it 49 484

By notgoth - 27/07/2014 22:17 - Netherlands - Rijen

Today, I went to a bar with my best friend, and some guys came up to us and started flirting with her and offering her a drink. I felt a bit left out and started joking that "I'm thirsty too". One guy looked at me, cringed and said, "No, I don't buy drinks for weird girls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 463

You deserved it 8 358

By badwaitress - 05/06/2009 17:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I was working as a waitress at a wedding. I was trying to clear the tables as quickly as possible and decided to place a half bowl of soup on top of the pile of plates I was carrying. As I was hurrying back to the kitchen I tripped and spilt the soup all over the bride's ivory dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 837

You deserved it 27 179

By Inkabadger - 20/11/2009 18:41 - Canada

Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 925

You deserved it 4 061

By Username - 08/02/2011 16:57 - United States

Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M and M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 802

You deserved it 15 305

By stupidtoothpick2 - 16/08/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I spent hours trying to get a piece of food out of my two front teeth. I didn't have anything I could use, until I went out to dinner and got a toothpick. I finally got the food out of teeth. The toothpick broke. Now the tip of the toothpick is stuck in my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 192

You deserved it 8 460

Vibe check: strong crystal mom energy

By me. - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's response to my question about where our relationship was going was, "Let me check what my Celtic Runes have to say about it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 720

You deserved it 4 104

By Anonymous - 17/07/2011 20:44 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and swerved to avoid hitting a lizard. I ended up sliding into a bush and skinning myself, only to find my tires had still managed to cut the lizard to pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 571

You deserved it 8 852

By ambiiii - 20/08/2015 03:25 - United States - Marble Falls

Today, my niece started crying because she thought that someday she'll look like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 508

You deserved it 2 024

By Duplighost - 12/01/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's Marine dad walked in on us fooling around naked. Now we can only hang out with "parental supervision". Oh, and I have to record my visits on a clipboard by the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 730

You deserved it 40 001

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Top comments

Capt_Obvious 11

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:39

Go through again with the windows down, that should solve the pissing problem.

SS99_fml 20

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:39

Sounds like a tame version of Saw

SS99_fml 20

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:39

Sounds like a tame version of Saw

revan546 24

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:41

Final Destination: Canine

mannatee 19

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:46

Final desti-canine

revan546 24

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Saturday 19 April 2014 4:08

A valiant attempt, #10.

alan2kai13 3

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Saturday 19 April 2014 8:52

final canineation?

PieReaper 11

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Sunday 20 April 2014 6:34

Let's play a game

a_wiener_d0g 15

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:39

I would have been pissed

cakefete2 30

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Saturday 19 April 2014 2:52

OP was pissed... On

IloveToLaugh143 21

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:39

Well now you can wash off along with your car, just like in the movies.

Capt_Obvious 11

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:39

Go through again with the windows down, that should solve the pissing problem.

SerenaSerenadex3 13

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Sunday 20 April 2014 8:14

Or, as soon as the outside carwash finishes, get the inside cleaned :)

mif_fml 27

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:40

Your poor dog was scared pissless.

BaldoktheMystic 3

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Saturday 19 April 2014 2:17

Swing and a miss

babygurll19 10

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Saturday 19 April 2014 3:57

No...I'm pretty sure the dog was full of piss

whythankyou 19

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Saturday 19 April 2014 1:41

What did you expect?

HeyTherexxx 21

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Saturday 19 April 2014 3:15

Well I'm sure she didn't expect to be peed on...

skittyskatbrat 19

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Saturday 19 April 2014 15:45

Well, I wouldn't have expected it. I've had dogs sit next to me and look worried, one that used to just go sleep on the back floor, my parents' dog is amused and entertained. One cat used to hide on the floor boards, the other one would come to me for reassurance and watch it, but that's all. The old cat would briefly acknowledge it, then resume whatever she'd been doing, such as napping. I've never had one even BEGIN to freak out, not with me there. If they'd never been in one and gone through it alone, yeah, probably panic for a few of them. But a pissing panic with the owner right there? Not common at all and sure not what I'd expect, ever.

skittyskatbrat 19

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Tuesday 22 April 2014 0:10

This cat? Yep. I can also vacuum her fur when she's shedding badly, give her a bath, clip her nails w/out holding her, etc. She's scared of very little. The other one gets nervous, but with the big cat and myself there? She forgets what startled her in about two seconds. The old cat was unshakeable. NOTHING phased her!

Sniper_Chick4110 20

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Tuesday 22 April 2014 2:25

Yeah, The hubby and I used to take our cat everywhere in the beginning, even on camping trips. We took him through the carwash with us on one specific trip home to get the mud off the car. He freaked out and tried to hide under the seats. It was really hard getting him out of the car. Can't take him camping anymore. He hates the car now and he shits himself when we try and drive anywhere. Should've seen that one coming. It was a dumb move on our part. Lesson learned.