Health: Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard,...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard, smacking my nose onto the toilet seat. I woke up a few minutes later with my nose bleeding, painful, and still stuffy. FML

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Health

Season finale

Trans women are women

Can they do that?

By Anonymous - United States - Chicago Ridge

Today, a girl from my college, who's been following me around for months, finally asked me out. Not being interested, I politely declined. Now she's convinced everyone that we hooked up and that I have an incredibly small penis. FML

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By AprilFlowers - United States

Today, I woke up early and made my boyfriend french toast. When he woke up, he yelled at me because it was his dish day and I was creating more dishes for him to do. He made me do the dishes. FML

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By dammit - United States

Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML

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By RheaDitto

Today, after sending and receiving hundreds of hints, I mustered up the courage to ask my best friend out. He completely ignored my words, and went on to tell me all about his mother's intestinal bug. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I hit a new low in my diet. There was a danish sitting on the table in the break room at work, and I wanted it. At the end of day, one of the guys threw it into the dumpster. Guess who just ate a dumpster danish. FML

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By FuckMyEyes - Australia - Sydney

Today, I walked in on my sister plucking her nipples. A shame I didn't get a big fuck-off bottle of brain bleach for Christmas. FML

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By Whyme - United States

Today, I went to the movies on a date. My chair made a fart sound while I moved around a little, so my date thought I'd let one rip. He then let out a really horrendously smelling one to make me feel less embarrassed, giving me a reassuring look. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Normal

Today, it's the 6th day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML

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By forever dog-less

Today, my mom told me to go meet a rescue dog. After doing all my research and emailing shelters left and right, I finally got a call. It went well! Then, my mom told me it would never happen. I'm still expecting several emails from the shelters I contacted, so I get to relive this pain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started hooking up with a guy I've liked for a while. We got pretty into it and he went into my underwear, looking confused. When I asked him what was wrong, his response was: "I can't find it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking dirty with my husband over the phone while he was out of town. I started to verbally act out his fantasy and got quite into it. I was returned with silence. Embarrassed, I tried to hang up. Turns out the call had already been dropped, five minutes prior. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend asked me if I could watch her mother's cats while they go on vacation. I agreed since her house is on my way to work. When I talked to her mother, I found out she has 30-something cats. She reckons she lost count. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, while having a bad dream, I went to punch a bully in the face. Mid-swing I wake up and punch the solid concrete wall to my basement bedroom FML

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By UptoHERE - Canada

Today, I was on a road-trip with some of my buddies, when we stopped at a gas station. When I opened the door to their bathroom, brown water flowed out, soaking my legs up to my knees. I then spent another 2 hours in an enclosed vehicle. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my youngest of four children turned 18. It was also the same day that my ex-wife called to tell me that after 18 years of paying child support, I wasn't the father. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, my sister and her two-year-old came to my place for a visit. Not long after arriving, my niece ripped off her diaper and immediately took a dump on my white carpet. Guess who had to 'suddenly' leave afterwards, leaving me to clean up the mess. FML

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By anonynous - United States - Charlotte

Today, while watching a family movie, my mother made every effort to make sure I covered my eyes during a kissing scene. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise, since she still forces me to put my phone in her room every night as she makes me go to bed at 8:30 PM. FML

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By uglyyyyy - United States

Today, I was working my job at Sephora when I overheard two women talking. One of them asked her friend, "Is being pretty a requirement to work here?" Her friend turned to see me, turned back to her friend and said, "I guess not." FML

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By Ezzie

Today, I got absolutely hammered and noticed this familiar-looking chick. I walked up to her and said, "Oh my god, I know I know you but I don't know where from." Looking annoyed, she replied, "We've worked together for months." FML

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By shitlicker - United States - La Verne

Today, I lost my balance trying to get my bag out of my car. In doing so, my lips came in contact with some bird poop. FML

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By Andrew - Ireland

Today, I started my shift as a cop, patrolling the streets on a bicycle. Everywhere I went, gangs of youths yelled stuff out at me, like "Bike twat", "Pig on wheels", "That's a girl's bike you muppet" and "Go on wanker, do a wheelie." FML

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By Shoofly - United States

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

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By Bananapi

Today, my flatmate moved in with me. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, so did her mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that I'm so bored of my relationship with my girlfriend, I'd rather make sure I don't break the springs in my bed than make love to her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my very good friend ratted me out to my boss because I used the photocopier for personal use. He said he will always be my friend, but "rules are rules." FML

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By got to be kidding me - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my eight-year-old daughter refused to use the port-a-potty at the fair. She preferred to piss her pants. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Roanoke

Today, I was in a good mood for once and my professor looks at me and says, "I don't know what you ate for breakfast but you're really annoying today." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's Catholic all girls high school to ask her to prom by decorating her car. As soon as I walked on campus the school went into lock down because of a "suspicious male intruder." When I saw my girlfriend, she denied knowing me. I was arrested. FML

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By apparentlyunattractive - United States

Today, someone left a note on my car, saying "You're gorgeous. Call me. #######." I called the number and they said they saw me in the store I was in, telling me "You were the ONLY attractive person in there." We decided to meet up. He walks over, I say hi, he says "I think I put my number on the wrong car." FML

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By OhDeary - United States

Today, our power went out due to some severe storms. My daughter, who is 18, asked me why the lights on the car still worked. FML

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By CallmeEddie - United States - Joliet

Today, while I was in a bathroom stall, the guy next to me asked me for toilet paper. It was then that I realized I didn't have any either. FML

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By TalkDirtyToMe - New Zealand

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

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By smellynelly - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out the reason my co-workers have been giving me gum every day is not because of their generosity, but because everyone in the office thinks my breath smells. FML

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By myusofwe - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

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By oneillrox - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

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By ovawerkrd - United Kingdom

Today, I finished working a week's overtime managing admin, stock, finances, and three members of staff. I realised that despite all my extra work, I actually earn less per hour than the students who only work on the weekends. FML

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By SHIIIIITTTT - United States - Houston

Today, my new boss, the CEO's son, finally showed up for work, three days late and right after lunch break. His first order of business was to call a meeting and scream at everyone for not having a diet latte waiting for him on his desk. God help us all. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML

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By not right - 30/6/2020 23:00

"People have had enough of experts"

Today, I tried to have a serious talk with my sister about how she feeds her kids. The 5-year-old is 75 lbs and the 7-year-old is nearing 100. She scoffed and said, “What do you know? You can’t even have kids!” No, I can’t have kids, but I am in school to become a pediatrician. Pretty sure I’m right. FML

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Top comments

By my2centsworth | 15

#1456053 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:30

Are you sure it's just a cold? Colds don't generally cause vomiting.

By firstdbzmaker | 15

#1456041 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:29

haha wow I would cry if my luck was this bad...FYL

COMMENTS

By EightInchNails | 9

#1456024 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:24

This is sheer epicness...

chillaux | 0

#1456044 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:29

^dude wtf?

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1456077 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:35

^dude WTF?

EightInchNails | 9

#1456096 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:38

dude WTF? ^^

chillaux | 0

#1456102 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:39

^WTF

muhdoggin | 0

#1456110 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:39

WTF DUDE^^

chillaux | 0

#1456118 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:41

y'all r just jealous cus I thought of it first haha :)

EightInchNails | 9

#1456124 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:41

This shit just got real...

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1456167 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:51

Real hd.

Doortje | 28

#1456326 - Saturday 25 September 2010 11:49

Dudes, WTF?! ^^^

chillaux | 0

#1456353 - Saturday 25 September 2010 12:13

^no

I_iz_special | 0

#1456570 - Saturday 25 September 2010 14:35

Can you actually comment on this fml, instead of showing off your beautiful one word and acronym vocabulary.

I_iz_special | 0

#1456577 - Saturday 25 September 2010 14:37

ugh hit send by accident before I could finish. Op that sucks have you tried seeing the doctor yet? They can work wonders with their mysterious occult powers.

chillaux | 0

#1456658 - Saturday 25 September 2010 15:33

and also, WE were actually commenting on the comment. u just wana get everyone to see what ur sayin loser

fyllx10 | 0

#1456757 - Saturday 25 September 2010 16:14

hahah 40's right, you loser.

BigBirdLookAlike | 0

#1456922 - Saturday 25 September 2010 16:58

Ya loser. ^

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1457005 - Saturday 25 September 2010 17:31

^ big loser

sheribb | 5

#1460224 - Sunday 26 September 2010 15:56

Christ poor you, vomiting, sneezing, bashing your nose,knocking yourself out !! your lucky your alive!!!

By firstdbzmaker | 15

#1456041 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:29

haha wow I would cry if my luck was this bad...FYL

By my2centsworth | 15

#1456053 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:30

Are you sure it's just a cold? Colds don't generally cause vomiting.

muhdoggin | 0

#1456065 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:33

there's different kinds of colds...

Intoxicunt | 5

#1456207 - Saturday 25 September 2010 10:12

Mucus running down the throat can cause vomiting. Plus, yes, any kind of virus can upset a sensitive stomach.

By iyahkinz | 0

#1456055 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:31

thats gotta hurt icepack

CloudEnvy | 17

#1456347 - Saturday 25 September 2010 12:03

Wouldn't it hurt your feelings, being pressed against someone's bloody nose?

By muhdoggin | 0

#1456074 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:34

I feel sorry for you :T at least none of that stuff fell out and splashed back into your mouth just to choke you with puke infested toilet water and make you even SICKER right?

By Rhianikki | 0

#1456082 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:36

Might I suggest a medically induced coma? It may be less painful for you at this point... but seriously that sucks OP, there is a nasty cold going around where I live too.