Health: Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard,...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard, smacking my nose onto the toilet seat. I woke up a few minutes later with my nose bleeding, painful, and still stuffy. FML

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Health

There's no helping some people

Serious times

Vulture

By Unknown - United States

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

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By MissedTheBoat - Canada - Calgary

Today, when I was talking to my younger brother, he suddenly said "Oh, I was supposed to tell you that there's this girl who has a huge crush on you!" I asked who and he answered, "I totally forgot her name, that was like 2 months ago." FML

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By teea - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, my boyfriend and I cleaned his parents' whole house while they were out, just to be nice. When they came home, they assumed we only did it because we'd made some huge mess that we needed to hide. I'm now banned from their house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Frisco

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Staten Island

Today, after I had changed my number to get away from my abusive ex, my mom decided to give him my new one. She insists that I need to give him another chance. FML

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By Anonymous

Liar !

Today, I lied and told my friends I was a compulsive liar. Well, I think I lied. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my house was broken into. I'm really poor and don't have a television or nice clothing, so they just dumped my trash all over the house and stole my one loaf of bread that was supposed to last me for the week. FML

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By crapgirl - United States

Today, I discovered the worst possible situation in which to get explosive diarrhea: on a 9-hour transatlantic flight. Next to an attractive single guy. FML

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By ahappypenguin

Today, I saw a shady looking person on the street. As I walked past him, he said, "Hey, come here." Thinking he needed something, I went over. He handed me several pictures of my wife, in public and at home. I've never seen this man before in my life. FML

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By Adam

Today, while I was walking home, I noticed an elderly man in a wheel chair trying to paint his garage so I went over to help. His response was verbal abuse and a slap to the face with a wet paint brush. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Aspley

Today, for my birthday my friend bought me a book on how to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to go meet my new upstairs neighbor, only to find out nobody actually moved in. The noises that have been coming from up there were made by rats. Lots of them. FML

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By weddingcrashed - United States

Today, it is my wedding day. I couldn't find my very expensive wedding dress anywhere. After almost 2 hours of panic and chaos, I found it in my pool, covered in red paint, with a note on one of my lounge chairs reading, "Today is MY wedding day, bitch." FML

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By Scat - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I looked sad. I told him that I found out a co-worker died over the weekend and I failed my final exam. He then informed me that my toilet was clogged again, that he had a lot of work to do, and left. I have to find a plunger. FML

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By nootnoot - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, some people in my class here in New Zealand found out that I'm from Canada, then spent the rest of the period asking if I had a pet moose and whether or not I lived in an igloo. They were completely genuine questions. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a patient really happy. I work in a long term care facility and was changing a woman's diaper. While cleaning her, I somehow managed to give her an orgasm with a warm wash cloth. FML

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By cartrouble - United States

Today, I picked my car up from the shop. After 5 minutes I noticed the oil and check engine light on. I pulled over, then the engine shut off completely. Turns out they forgot to put oil back in my car. I'll be needing a new engine. FML

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By Newly Minted Canuck

Today, my daughter found a hair baked into the crust of her pizza. Grossed out, she put it down the garbage disposal, but I told her to dig it out so we could get a refund. After dinner, she came looking for the saved pizza crust. I was baffled about where it was until I realized I'd eaten it. FML

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By PerfectTiming - Netherlands - Eindhoven

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

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By TayRenee - United States - Rock Hill

Today, while in an ambulance after being in a car wreck, the EMT told me I would need to sign some electronic paperwork. He held it above my head for me to sign and promptly dropped it on my my face, breaking my nose. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking to the future with you, Chad". Too bad my name isn't Chad. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument. She admitted she didn't know why she was pissed at me, but still is, and now she won't talk to me. FML

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By crayons128 - United States

Today, I was at a fire roasting marshmallows. When mine caught on fire, I pulled it back so I could blow out the flames. It flew off the stick, and, still flaming, landed on my face. FML

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31958

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By suckstobeme - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

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By bigmistake - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for a while. I shaved my legs and armpits and wore a short dress. It wasn't until I got to the meeting that I noticed I only shaved one of my legs. FML

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By Anonymous

Head, meet wall

Today, while joking and chatting with a coworker on my way to the bathroom, I misjudged the distance to the entrance and slammed my head into the wall. My coworker told everyone. So now I'm funny, but not for the reason I wanted to be. FML

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By TheRawrza - United States

Today, I was at a pool party. Standing outside of the pool, I was hesitant about taking my shirt off. A girl in the pool shouted "Hey, you're not the only fat one here, don't feel bad!". I was worried about what my friends would think of my new bellybutton ring, I don't think I'm fat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my husband that when I get my birth control taken out later this year, I would like to take a break from it for a while. He just said, "Condoms are too expensive and I don't want to waste $2 every time we do it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2020 02:02

Heartbreaking

Today, I ran into a childhood friend for the first time in years. It turned out her mother died of COVID a few days ago. It was heartbreaking to see her close to tears all the time we talked, but due to distancing I couldn't even hug her to make her feel better. FML

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By farksh - Australia

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my Dad sent me an e-mail wishing me a "Happy 21st Birthday, sweetheart!" The message went on and on about how much he loves and misses me and wishes we were closer, and can't believe how fast I'm growing up. I'm 23 and my birthday is in December. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got on the train with my bike, leaning it up against the wall. After a while, it began to slide down the wall and wobble, so I dashed out to catch it. As I ran for it, I slipped and crashed into it, knocking it into an old man and busting the rear brake. FML

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By rukus - Canada

Today, I was was leaving the library when I noticed an elderly woman being mugged. I was about to leave on my bike, but promptly went to help her. After I managed to scare off the mugger, I helped her to her car. As I was heading back to my bike, I notice the mugger riding off on it. FML

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By whoops - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I accidentally sent my boss an explicit text message. She replied saying, "Very detailed, if only you put that much effort into your work". FML

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By Bg2466 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got a bad review on my work's Facebook page. The girl said I was very rude and I should never work with the public. I was trying to flirt with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phillipsburg

Today, I begged a coworker to let me borrow her lighter for my smoke break, since I'd lost mine. She was reluctant because of my track record of losing the darn things. After my break I stopped to use the restroom really quick, and promptly dropped the lighter into the toilet. FML

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By iwillcutyou - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Charming

Today, as I was working in retail, this guy shoved me into the shelves for asking if he needed help with anything, screaming at me that I need to leave him alone. FML

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By Shadowfigure23 - United States

Today, I spent most of my morning comforting the guy I love because his fiancée dumped him for some other guy. He continuously told me I had no clue that kind of pain he was in. He dumped me three years ago for the girl that just left him. FML

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By aziraphaleelle - United States - San Jose

Today, I had to wave my arms like a maniac as I sat on the toilet at work, otherwise the faulty motion sensor/timer would turn the lights off after about ten seconds. I've had to do this for several days now. No one else has reported this problem, so management won't get it fixed. FML

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Top comments

By my2centsworth | 15

#1456053 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:30

Are you sure it's just a cold? Colds don't generally cause vomiting.

By firstdbzmaker | 15

#1456041 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:29

haha wow I would cry if my luck was this bad...FYL

COMMENTS

By EightInchNails | 9

#1456024 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:24

This is sheer epicness...

chillaux | 0

#1456044 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:29

^dude wtf?

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1456077 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:35

^dude WTF?

EightInchNails | 9

#1456096 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:38

dude WTF? ^^

chillaux | 0

#1456102 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:39

^WTF

muhdoggin | 0

#1456110 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:39

WTF DUDE^^

chillaux | 0

#1456118 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:41

y'all r just jealous cus I thought of it first haha :)

EightInchNails | 9

#1456124 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:41

This shit just got real...

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1456167 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:51

Real hd.

Doortje | 29

#1456326 - Saturday 25 September 2010 11:49

Dudes, WTF?! ^^^

chillaux | 0

#1456353 - Saturday 25 September 2010 12:13

^no

I_iz_special | 0

#1456570 - Saturday 25 September 2010 14:35

Can you actually comment on this fml, instead of showing off your beautiful one word and acronym vocabulary.

I_iz_special | 0

#1456577 - Saturday 25 September 2010 14:37

ugh hit send by accident before I could finish. Op that sucks have you tried seeing the doctor yet? They can work wonders with their mysterious occult powers.

chillaux | 0

#1456658 - Saturday 25 September 2010 15:33

and also, WE were actually commenting on the comment. u just wana get everyone to see what ur sayin loser

fyllx10 | 0

#1456757 - Saturday 25 September 2010 16:14

hahah 40's right, you loser.

BigBirdLookAlike | 0

#1456922 - Saturday 25 September 2010 16:58

Ya loser. ^

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1457005 - Saturday 25 September 2010 17:31

^ big loser

sheribb | 5

#1460224 - Sunday 26 September 2010 15:56

Christ poor you, vomiting, sneezing, bashing your nose,knocking yourself out !! your lucky your alive!!!

By firstdbzmaker | 15

#1456041 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:29

haha wow I would cry if my luck was this bad...FYL

By my2centsworth | 15

#1456053 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:30

Are you sure it's just a cold? Colds don't generally cause vomiting.

muhdoggin | 0

#1456065 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:33

there's different kinds of colds...

Intoxicunt | 5

#1456207 - Saturday 25 September 2010 10:12

Mucus running down the throat can cause vomiting. Plus, yes, any kind of virus can upset a sensitive stomach.

By iyahkinz | 0

#1456055 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:31

thats gotta hurt icepack

CloudEnvy | 17

#1456347 - Saturday 25 September 2010 12:03

Wouldn't it hurt your feelings, being pressed against someone's bloody nose?

By muhdoggin | 0

#1456074 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:34

I feel sorry for you :T at least none of that stuff fell out and splashed back into your mouth just to choke you with puke infested toilet water and make you even SICKER right?

By Rhianikki | 0

#1456082 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:36

Might I suggest a medically induced coma? It may be less painful for you at this point... but seriously that sucks OP, there is a nasty cold going around where I live too.