Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard,...

By Anonymous - 25/9/2010 02:35 - United States

Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard, smacking my nose onto the toilet seat. I woke up a few minutes later with my nose bleeding, painful, and still stuffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30024

You deserved it

2797

Favorite

Health

Proactive

Rock, hard place

Basic Instinct

By Anonymous - 5/2/2013 06:40 - United States - Northbrook

Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27060

You deserved it

39490

Favorite

By jordansquared - 21/12/2018 16:00

Today, I received a Christmas card from my husband’s parents and found for the 7th straight year I wasn’t included on the card. Instead they included a picture of my husband’s ex-girlfriend holding my baby. I’ve already received messages asking if he’s back together with her. No. No he’s not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2971

You deserved it

172

Favorite

By nopanties - 4/3/2013 05:11 - United States - Durham

Felt cute, might delete later

Today, my boyfriend ripped my panties trying to get them off. Not off me, off himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51674

You deserved it

6419

Favorite

By purplexangel - 2/8/2012 17:32 - United States - Lubbock

Today, I tried to stand by my toaster and train myself to not jump when it popped up. Not only did I jump, I also knocked the toaster off the counter and onto my toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14836

You deserved it

22421

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/4/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I returned home after a three-week trip to Jamaica. When I opened the door to my room, I was greeted by a swarm of bees and their enormous nest, which was attached to my doorknob. Apparently, I'd forgotten to close the window properly before I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28450

You deserved it

18447

Favorite

By annoymous - 7/2/2017 06:00 - Australia - Glenroy

Today, it was the first time I was meeting my guy's parents. Turns out he forgot it was his mum's birthday and I ended up having to meet his whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6563

You deserved it

692

Favorite

By Username - 27/3/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows me around at school. I wouldn't have been so bothered if she hadn't had phone sex with him, all while pretending to be me. He got so into it, he now thinks we're a couple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51775

You deserved it

6307

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/12/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter eating a handful of styrofoam packing pellets, because she thought they were Christmas candy. She's fourteen. What's next, eating rocks? FML

I agree, your life sucks

31194

You deserved it

4873

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 17:32 - United States - Amherst

Today, my psychotic step-dad asked me if I'm doing drugs. I replied with a massive amount of sarcasm: "Yeah, all of 'em. Especially meth." He flipped out, searched my room top to bottom, then grounded me "for good" until I tell him where I hid the supposed drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45231

You deserved it

13844

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 00:01

Is it slander or libel?

Today, I posted a review, on a strictly anonymous site, about a doctor I went to see for my anxiety but who actually made me worse. A while later, the same doctor called my home phone, addressed me by my full name and threatened to sue me for slander if I didn't take down the review. All of which was 100% true. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1925

You deserved it

150

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 18:16 - France

Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27693

You deserved it

15688

Favorite

By sucks - 17/5/2009 23:40 - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37597

You deserved it

157340

Favorite

By vela9002 - 6/4/2009 07:40 - United States

Today, on my flight to Vegas, I was wishing that a really cute guy would come sit in the seat next to mine. A few minutes later, a really cute guy sat in the seat next to me and even started to talk to me. When I said, "I like rugged men." he said "Oh ya, me too! I really like buff guys also." FML

I agree, your life sucks

70319

You deserved it

13478

Favorite

By Ima_Moronski - 26/7/2011 03:35 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my grandma. She went to the bathroom and was gone for a long while. I jokingly asked, "What happened, you fall in?" She did. She had shit all over the back of her shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39303

You deserved it

7081

Favorite

By dana - 16/12/2013 22:43 - United States - Montrose

Today, my boyfriend dumped me via Facebook. I cared more about the spelling mistakes he made than the actual message. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41234

You deserved it

11846

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 09:18 - United Kingdom

Today, a woman at work told me that her kid had puked into "a storage bin" in the office. It wasn't a storage bin, it was the outgoing mail tray on the side of my desk containing important contract documents that had to be posted by 5pm that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28224

You deserved it

1681

Favorite

By phlyingphuck - 31/8/2009 12:44 - United States

Today, my mother finally pressured me to wear my old helmet while riding my bike. Halfway through my ride, 3 spiders came crawling out of it and onto my face, causing me to lose control of the bike and crash head-first. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45533

You deserved it

7848

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/5/2015 19:26

Today, after a 2 month relationship, I realized two things: A) Dating a known psycho because "crazy chicks are great in bed" is a dumb idea, and B) What crazy chicks are actually great at is beating the crap out of you and driving you to alcoholism. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16000

You deserved it

32805

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/5/2012 11:05 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend started a conversation with "I don't want to break up" and ended the conversation with "I think I'd be better off alone." So I guess I'm now single. I think. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28995

You deserved it

2492

Favorite

By guitar_chick7 - 20/8/2009 08:54 - Australia

Today, I said something in class and someone mimicked me. In a self-pitying mood, I exclaimed, "Everybody hates me!" The girl behind me then said, "Pretty much." FML

I agree, your life sucks

22454

You deserved it

47807

Favorite

By HelpMe - 25/2/2014 09:59 - United Kingdom - Galashiels

Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53821

You deserved it

3822

Favorite

By romainmain - 16/9/2012 22:50 - France - Charleville-m?zi?res

Today, I saw a small bug on the wall, so I decided to send it straight to the insect afterlife by smashing it with a book. The book crushed it, and caused my clock to come free from the wall and crash down onto my TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12900

You deserved it

26457

Favorite

By FYouBoyfriend - 30/8/2010 17:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend questioned why I always put my shirts in the dryer right before wearing them. I told him it was because the dryer causes my shirts to regain their form and tightness. His response: "You should throw your vagina in there along with them." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45454

You deserved it

16153

Favorite

By sadsongstress - 12/8/2009 11:18 - Belgium

Today, my ex got dumped by his girlfriend. Seeing my opportunity I sent him a song I wrote for him about how much I still love him. He sent it on to the girl who had just dumped him claiming he had written it. They are back together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61150

You deserved it

22682

Favorite

By cartrouble - 2/10/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, I picked my car up from the shop. After 5 minutes I noticed the oil and check engine light on. I pulled over, then the engine shut off completely. Turns out they forgot to put oil back in my car. I'll be needing a new engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39973

You deserved it

2831

Favorite

By Brony - 22/10/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that everyone in my dorm knows I watch My Little Pony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13514

You deserved it

43257

Favorite

By advanced history teacher - 27/4/2015 04:58 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I asked my class to name some West African countries. Several of them thought Ebola was a country. I teach an AP history class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37208

You deserved it

4095

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/1/2017 18:25 - Australia - Brisbane

Growing old gracefully

Today, I found out that as I get closer to 40, I often need to wipe my arse when I fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5618

You deserved it

620

Favorite

By that1summergirl - 19/9/2019 12:00 - Canada

Riverdale is a lie

Today, I called my boyfriend at 2 a.m., telling him I couldn't sleep. He replied, "Well, I can," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

808

You deserved it

2747

Favorite

By kaley - 14/12/2019 03:00

Real dream

Today, I woke up to find that I had given myself a haircut in my sleep. I have a presentation today and a job interview tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1644

You deserved it

327

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/7/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffed up and I was out of cold medicine. I heard spices may help with this kind of problem. Unfortunately I thought red pepper would be a great thing to snort at the time. Not only is my nose still stuffed up but I also have immense nasal pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8129

You deserved it

84650

Favorite

By oooops - 24/1/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13695

You deserved it

36027

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/7/2015 09:09 - United States - East Carondelet

Today, I'm babysitting for kids whose parents said they would be back by 12. Its 4am and they still aren't home. I don't get paid enough for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28350

You deserved it

2096

Favorite

By shadow1248 - 27/5/2012 05:06 - United States - Stamford

Today, I had finally gotten my dogs to quiet down and my baby to fall asleep. Not thirty seconds later, my neighbor's car alarm went off. They aren't home for the weekend, and the damn alarm has now been blaring for three hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26829

You deserved it

1892

Favorite

By _Emilyy - 12/7/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I updated my facebook status to, "Party at my house this Friday. Like my status if you want to come." After about 3 hours I checked back to discover that the only person who'd liked my status was my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41402

You deserved it

10472

Favorite

By love you too mommy - 27/1/2014 19:26 - United States - Brentwood

Today, my mom walked into my room to talk to me. I was surprised because we don't talk much. I was left with a smile on my face after she left, until I realized she'd stolen all the candy on my desk while I wasn't looking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46365

You deserved it

5234

Favorite

By Ese - 12/10/2018 12:00

Today, my sister took me out shopping for my birthday and had been drinking a Monster the whole day. Halfway back home, I took a sip of it and she screamed, but it was too late. I had drunk the phlegm that she spat into the can earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2497

You deserved it

885

Favorite

By dumpedchick - 25/6/2009 02:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years dumped me. I was really depressed so a couple of my friends came over to take me out to a club to cheer me up. My ex was there, partying with his friends. He came up to me and my friends and asked my friend if she wanted to hang out sometime. She said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63171

You deserved it

3522

Favorite

By pedestrian - 26/1/2011 05:07 - United States

Today, I let my friend borrow my car. She parked it in a towing zone, and it was towed. The best part is, it was towed by a bogus towing company. The cops assure me it's safe in a chop shop somewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28930

You deserved it

4509

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 23:25 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to play my friends the demo CD that I've spent all summer recording. I didn't tell them it was me. Not even 10 seconds into the first song, my best friend asked me to turn it off because it sucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30466

You deserved it

6627

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By my2centsworth | 15

#1456053 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:30

Are you sure it's just a cold? Colds don't generally cause vomiting.

By firstdbzmaker | 15

#1456041 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:29

haha wow I would cry if my luck was this bad...FYL

COMMENTS

By EightInchNails | 9

#1456024 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:24

This is sheer epicness...

chillaux | 0

#1456044 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:29

^dude wtf?

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1456077 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:35

^dude WTF?

EightInchNails | 9

#1456096 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:38

dude WTF? ^^

chillaux | 0

#1456102 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:39

^WTF

muhdoggin | 0

#1456110 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:39

WTF DUDE^^

chillaux | 0

#1456118 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:41

y'all r just jealous cus I thought of it first haha :)

EightInchNails | 9

#1456124 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:41

This shit just got real...

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1456167 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:51

Real hd.

Doortje | 28

#1456326 - Saturday 25 September 2010 11:49

Dudes, WTF?! ^^^

chillaux | 0

#1456353 - Saturday 25 September 2010 12:13

^no

I_iz_special | 0

#1456570 - Saturday 25 September 2010 14:35

Can you actually comment on this fml, instead of showing off your beautiful one word and acronym vocabulary.

I_iz_special | 0

#1456577 - Saturday 25 September 2010 14:37

ugh hit send by accident before I could finish. Op that sucks have you tried seeing the doctor yet? They can work wonders with their mysterious occult powers.

chillaux | 0

#1456658 - Saturday 25 September 2010 15:33

and also, WE were actually commenting on the comment. u just wana get everyone to see what ur sayin loser

fyllx10 | 0

#1456757 - Saturday 25 September 2010 16:14

hahah 40's right, you loser.

BigBirdLookAlike | 0

#1456922 - Saturday 25 September 2010 16:58

Ya loser. ^

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1457005 - Saturday 25 September 2010 17:31

^ big loser

sheribb | 5

#1460224 - Sunday 26 September 2010 15:56

Christ poor you, vomiting, sneezing, bashing your nose,knocking yourself out !! your lucky your alive!!!

By firstdbzmaker | 15

#1456041 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:29

haha wow I would cry if my luck was this bad...FYL

By my2centsworth | 15

#1456053 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:30

Are you sure it's just a cold? Colds don't generally cause vomiting.

muhdoggin | 0

#1456065 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:33

there's different kinds of colds...

Intoxicunt | 5

#1456207 - Saturday 25 September 2010 10:12

Mucus running down the throat can cause vomiting. Plus, yes, any kind of virus can upset a sensitive stomach.

By iyahkinz | 0

#1456055 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:31

thats gotta hurt icepack

CloudEnvy | 17

#1456347 - Saturday 25 September 2010 12:03

Wouldn't it hurt your feelings, being pressed against someone's bloody nose?

By muhdoggin | 0

#1456074 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:34

I feel sorry for you :T at least none of that stuff fell out and splashed back into your mouth just to choke you with puke infested toilet water and make you even SICKER right?

By Rhianikki | 0

#1456082 - Saturday 25 September 2010 9:36

Might I suggest a medically induced coma? It may be less painful for you at this point... but seriously that sucks OP, there is a nasty cold going around where I live too.