Health: Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard,...

By Anonymous - 25/09/2010 02:35 - United States

Today, I had a cold and was vomiting. I sneezed really hard, smacking my nose onto the toilet seat. I woke up a few minutes later with my nose bleeding, painful, and still stuffy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 069

You deserved it 2 802

Health

Compromises

The smell detective is on the case

How? Why? What?

By Jolabanane - 21/05/2015 11:51 - France

Today, my neighbor was having work done in his apartment, and he'd warned me that there might be some noise. Yes, there was, what with all the town's firemen in the building after he'd ruptured the main gas pipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 170

You deserved it 2 078

By dog got ur phone - 07/05/2017 02:00

Today, I was playing music from my phone, which was on the couch. I guess my dog got jealous, because she picked it up and ran over to the toilet, promptly dropping it right in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 939

You deserved it 716

By Anonymous - 14/09/2011 13:56 - United States

Today, I asked my mom why she drinks. She said she only drinks when she's depressed. My step-dad said she only drinks on the weekend. Those are the days I'm at her house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 018

You deserved it 2 742

By FoodyFood - 19/03/2012 04:59 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 002

You deserved it 14 675

By Anonymous - 11/01/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, was the first day of potty training for my toddler. While watching a "How to Potty Train" video, I noticed my toddler was making a weird face on the side of the couch. I walked over to her, picked her up and a big pile of poop dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 814

You deserved it 5 671

By marquez_jasmine - 21/07/2012 15:08 - Canada - Kingston

Today, after feeling a little down about myself and looking for comfort from my boyfriend, he told me that my stretch marks make me look like a tiger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 422

You deserved it 3 713

Can't take the heat

By Anonymous - 14/06/2021 00:01

Today, I almost paid off my credit card. Then, a couple of hours later, my air conditioner broke. Found out it’s 12 years-old and leaking Freon. I’m going to have to get a whole new unit, which will cost me $6,500 to $10,050. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 66

First day

By notsogoodtrainee - 09/07/2015 17:02 - United States - Fargo

Today, at my first day of work, I was impressing my trainer with my skills by carrying many trays at once. Well, I could until I came around a corner and ran into a customer. With food all over his front, he introduced himself to me as the head manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 579

You deserved it 4 771

By M.L. - 06/09/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I went on a busy train. I packed myself in close to a very good looking woman and, too scared to say anything, looked out the window. After feeling a hand on my ass, I assumed it was her. To not ruin the moment, I didn't look back. After a few stops, I looked back. It was an old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 394

You deserved it 12 739

Body Positivity

By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 04:03

Today, after going through a major weight loss and change of lifestyle to better my confidence and health, I now have saggy thighs, arms and boobs, a deflated ass, two inches of hanging stomach, and have realized just how unsymmetrical my face is. Oh, and my physical health has never been worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 733

You deserved it 199

By drinkdrankdrunk - 27/09/2013 07:33 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 126

You deserved it 17 820

By Ari - 16/06/2011 04:19 - United States

Today, a man came up to me and punched me in the face. He turned out to be the guy my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with. Apparently, she told him we broke up because I used to beat her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 776

You deserved it 3 693

Turntables

By Bill Mantie - 18/04/2021 02:00

Today, after months of successfully taking strides to boost my long diminished libido, I found out my girlfriend, who always had a healthy sex drive, has now lost hers. Oh, how the tables have turned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 112

By Anonomous - 26/01/2015 15:48 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I got a cute girl's number for the first time. Too bad it was because she rear ended my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 137

You deserved it 2 638

By Anonymous - 26/04/2015 07:09 - Australia - Burwood

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 868

You deserved it 2 936

By bloated - 04/11/2016 02:46 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I felt so self-conscious about my gut, I pushed it out and pretended I was pregnant rather than sucking it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 760

You deserved it 2 503

By Traveler - 09/10/2015 02:06

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 012

You deserved it 1 625

By Anonymous - 19/02/2013 18:47 - United States - Indiana

Today, I got locked out of my car for an hour in frigid weather at a busy gas station. Every time I tried to use the key, the alarm went off and the locks wouldn't work. The car company claims they've never heard of this happening. I just bought it last week after taking out a 5 year loan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 826

You deserved it 2 726

By burnt38392 - 24/12/2010 19:36 - United States

Today, as a means of getting over my abusive ex, I decided to write his name on a piece of paper and light it on fire. As I lit the paper up, I noticed the marker ink had bled through it. The paper is gone, but his name is forever engraved on my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 439

You deserved it 19 511

Gratitude walks

By funnywoe - 19/07/2020 20:01

Today, my uncle is staying with my family and he just gave me the weirdest 'gift' I've ever gotten. He gave me his used shaver. He said he realized that it's for women, but I find this disgusting. I could maybe sanitize it, but then I would have to touch the hairs on it. I had to pretend to be truly grateful for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 489

You deserved it 160

By Anonymous - 03/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I was driving past men working on the side of the road. There was a lot of water pouring down the road and as I slowed down to drive through it, a car sped past me, splashing my entire car. It was only then I realized it was a septic tank leak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 598

You deserved it 2 583

By NotGay - 16/06/2012 05:45 - United States - Lake Zurich

Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 082

You deserved it 7 587

By Kay - 03/02/2011 05:33

Today, I was sitting on the toilet with a really bad and noisy stomach upset. Then I hear a knock on the bathroom door. My boyfriend had decided to make a surprise visit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 692

You deserved it 3 144

By fuck me - 28/11/2013 19:13 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my dad is forcing me to go shopping with him tomorrow for Black Friday, because he's convinced that my martial arts classes will come in handy when people "inevitably" try to beat the shit out of us in the rush for cheap stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 968

You deserved it 3 649

By it_IS_just_me - 17/07/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I Googled my ex-husband only to find that in the years since we've split he now fancies himself as a stand-up comic. His material? Our sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 143

You deserved it 9 285

By anonymous - 08/12/2011 10:37 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. As soon as I began to climax, he started repeatedly asking, "Are you done? Are you done yet? Are you done?" Well, NOW I am. Thanks, honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 036

You deserved it 4 252

By aroman2312 - 06/09/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, my grandpa decided to charcoal-grill some steaks. Inside the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 189

You deserved it 2 091

By Anonymous - 06/07/2014 18:06 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, I went on a job interview. The interviewer said it all went well, but he can't hire me because I've got a nose piercing, and that type of "image" isn't the kind they're looking for in their employees. This is the guy who had a full sleeve tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 320

You deserved it 7 957

By Anonymous - 29/07/2015 12:04 - United States - Camden

Today, my sister and I were planning a trip to get away from things and visit some faraway friends. My dad then decided to insert himself into our plans. He got mad when we said no, and couldn't understand why we wanted to go by ourselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 723

You deserved it 2 544

By thinkimquitting - 25/06/2012 21:49 - Australia - Yarraville

Today, my boss grabbed my arm, raised it above my head, closed my other hand into a fist, and pushed it into his armpit. After staring at me for several seconds, he winked and left without saying a word. This isn't the weirdest thing he's done, and I'm actually starting to fear for my safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 944

You deserved it 2 560

By PissedbythePiper - 11/09/2012 06:11 - United States - Saukville

Today, after my annoying neighbor who used to spend hours playing the cello in the apartment below me finally moved out, I found out that I have a new musical neighbor moving in. This fellow plays the bagpipes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 283

You deserved it 2 902

By gamer tag ID not recognised - 06/10/2018 03:00

Today, my husband is adamant he is not a cheater because "it only counts as cheating if you have sex with other women for free" so apparently 20-year-old male prostitutes don't count because they're not women and they cost money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 849

You deserved it 187

By wtf - 19/10/2016 12:09 - United States - Oxford

Today, it's been 2 weeks since I ordered a printer so I could print schoolwork, that way I don't have to sit on campus so long to print it all out. It just got delivered in Arizona today. I live in New York. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 338

You deserved it 1 244

By justwantingtohelp - 16/08/2013 05:02 - United States - Highland

Today, a child was choking in the store I work at. He was alone in the aisle, so I started the Heimlich without his parents' permission. After dislodging what was caught, his mother turned the corner and went screaming to my manager for touching her kid. I got a write up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 522

You deserved it 3 408

By Anonymous - 14/08/2010 20:43 - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard she pissed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 566

You deserved it 20 335

Last act

By Anonymous - 29/11/2019 20:00

Today, while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 035

You deserved it 249

By Username - 14/03/2011 06:53

Today, my ex-girlfriend moved out. I came back to a sparsely furnished home, she even took the shower head, my beard trimmer, and the soap from the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 020

You deserved it 5 637

By Alohaporno - 03/08/2011 18:31 - Canada

Today, my father described my method of hiding porn on the computer as "extremely naive." I don't know what's worse, that he found my porn or that he's better at hiding his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 285

You deserved it 32 046

Riverdale is a lie

By that1summergirl - 19/09/2019 12:00 - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend at 2 a.m., telling him I couldn't sleep. He replied, "Well, I can," and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 2 826

By MAC - 13/01/2009 09:47 - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 338

You deserved it 3 140

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Top comments

my2centsworth 15

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:30

Are you sure it's just a cold? Colds don't generally cause vomiting.

firstdbzmaker 15

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:29

haha wow I would cry if my luck was this bad...FYL

EightInchNails 9

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:24

This is sheer epicness...

chillaux 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:29

^dude wtf?

MAGNAVOX 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:35

^dude WTF?

EightInchNails 9

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:38

dude WTF? ^^

chillaux 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:39

^WTF

muhdoggin 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:39

WTF DUDE^^

chillaux 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:41

y'all r just jealous cus I thought of it first haha :)

EightInchNails 9

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:41

This shit just got real...

MAGNAVOX 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:51

Real hd.

Doortje 29

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Saturday 25 September 2010 11:49

Dudes, WTF?! ^^^

chillaux 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:13

^no

I_iz_special 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 14:35

Can you actually comment on this fml, instead of showing off your beautiful one word and acronym vocabulary.

I_iz_special 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 14:37

ugh hit send by accident before I could finish. Op that sucks have you tried seeing the doctor yet? They can work wonders with their mysterious occult powers.

chillaux 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 15:33

and also, WE were actually commenting on the comment. u just wana get everyone to see what ur sayin loser

fyllx10 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 16:14

hahah 40's right, you loser.

BigBirdLookAlike 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 16:58

Ya loser. ^

MAGNAVOX 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 17:31

^ big loser

sheribb 5

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Sunday 26 September 2010 15:56

Christ poor you, vomiting, sneezing, bashing your nose,knocking yourself out !! your lucky your alive!!!

firstdbzmaker 15

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:29

haha wow I would cry if my luck was this bad...FYL

my2centsworth 15

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:30

Are you sure it's just a cold? Colds don't generally cause vomiting.

muhdoggin 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:33

there's different kinds of colds...

Intoxicunt 5

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Saturday 25 September 2010 10:12

Mucus running down the throat can cause vomiting. Plus, yes, any kind of virus can upset a sensitive stomach.

iyahkinz 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:31

thats gotta hurt icepack

CloudEnvy 17

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Saturday 25 September 2010 12:03

Wouldn't it hurt your feelings, being pressed against someone's bloody nose?

muhdoggin 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:34

I feel sorry for you :T at least none of that stuff fell out and splashed back into your mouth just to choke you with puke infested toilet water and make you even SICKER right?

Rhianikki 0

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Saturday 25 September 2010 9:36

Might I suggest a medically induced coma? It may be less painful for you at this point... but seriously that sucks OP, there is a nasty cold going around where I live too.