Today, I walked into work after being completly wasted last night.... - FML

By lifesucks - 24/2/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, I walked into work after being completly wasted last night. I was sitting in a meeting when all of a sudden the presenter had gotten an e-mail saying "crazy girl dances on tables at local bar". So obviously everyone wanted to watch it. That crazy girl was me. FML

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Dangling modifier

Incognito browsing

This is fine

By Pongy - 12/11/2013 05:31

Today, I found out that shirt sizes don't get longer, they get wider. Being 6ft4, every shirt I try on makes me look like a cheap stripper. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike. Instead of coming to my aid, the driver just laid on his horn and screamed out the window for me to move my ass, because he had places to be. FML

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By Mike - 16/9/2020 09:02 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Baby brain

Today, we had two-year wedding anniversary. A few months ago, I insisted on going to a therapist because my wife can only think and talk about our one-year kid. My present for her was a Spa day, flowers and chocolate. Her gift to me was a Lego set to build for our kid. FML

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By Cantseethroughdoors - 14/11/2017 05:00

Today, everyone was signing a birthday card to surprise a coworker. I was told to go find someone who hadn't signed it so I went to the office next to mine, opened the door, and told them about the card. The intended recipient was sitting behind the door. FML

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By ohnomommy - 3/3/2020 06:01

Kids are assholes

Today, I was in line at a gas station with my 3-year-old daughter. A "little person" was in line in front of us, buying a pack of cigarettes. My daughter yelled, "No little boy! Only grown ups can smoke." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 20:00 - United States - New Orleans

Thanks for the setup, dude

Today, I was set up on a date by a coworker. The guy turned up late, but whatever. He then spent 30 breathlessly long minutes complaining about his "bitch of an ex." Then he spent another 30 minutes trying to convince me that the QAnon bullshit was real. I had to pull the whole 'fake emergency phone call' to get the hell out of there. FML

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By KayleeXLoVe21 - 3/11/2011 23:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML

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By JB - 9/9/2012 08:34 - United States - Somerset

Today, while my husband and I were arguing, he walked away in the middle of my sentence yelling, "Remember babe, you're only my current wife!" FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2012 05:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2014 17:51 - United States - Long Beach

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a TV show about wildlife. The moment the narrator said the word "peacock", my boyfriend broke down into hysterical laughter. He laughed to the point of tears, and had to excuse himself. I'm dating a man-child. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 15:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend who I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I find out that last time he saw me, I was blind drunk and vomiting after propositioning him all evening. FML

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By abygalee - 10/7/2016 20:42 - United States - Akron

Today, my mom hadn't talked to me for 5 days, so worried sick I called my grandpa. She's been in jail, and no one cared to inform me. Great. FML

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By Erin - 15/1/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in English and drooled on my test. Evidently everyone noticed. FML

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By SadlySally - 1/6/2016 17:54 - United States - Memphis

Today, I think I met the one. I had the best date ever. We played mini golf and talked about all the things we had in common. After sharing a kiss, I said goodbye, with the promise to meet up again. Too bad he forgot to mention he was moving to Texas the next day. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 07:35 - Canada

Today, while sleeping, my foot was stabbed by something in my bed and I woke up to it bleeding. I looked around for the cause and found nothing. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep because it might happen again. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 23:00

Remember socialising?

Today, because of this fucking virus I was really excited to actually talk to another person. FML

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By randomnamehere - 27/7/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, my brother decided it would be funny to squirt disappearing ink on my wedding dress right before I walked down the aisle. It didn't disappear. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2011 08:40 - Canada

Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, my neighbors were busted for a meth lab in their garage. Yesterday, I signed the mortgage. Welcome to our new neighborhood, kids. FML

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By - 26/3/2019 00:00

Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2011 08:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend snuck into my house and hid in my closet. Knowing that I have a phobia of people jumping out of closets, he nonetheless thought it would be funny to see how I'd react. I had a panic attack and was taken to the hospital. FML

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By M - 23/5/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

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By donny31459 - 10/8/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, I got a ticket from a cop for not riding my bike in the bike lane. I wasn't riding in the bike lane because I was avoiding construction work. FML

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By Maria39018 - 1/8/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be totally honest with each other. We even told some of our deepest, darkest secrets, in hopes of strengthening our relationship. He told me he had a diaper fetish, and would love to see me in one. There goes my sex life. FML

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By Taylor - 30/7/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, while having sex, my boyfriend decided to sing the Star Wars theme song as he entered his penis into me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML

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By happybirthday - 22/4/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, was my birthday. I purposely didn't log onto facebook all day so that I could read all my birthday wishes at once. When I logged on at the end of the day I had one notification. My "friend" had commented on a picture of me, saying I looked like jabba the hut. FML

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By pickuptruckblues - 17/11/2014 04:17 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I was stopped behind a pickup truck filled with junk. I told my friend that the person should have secured the junk better, since it looked like it would fall off any minute. My friend assured me it wouldn't. Right after she said that, a large piece of plywood fell off and hit my windshield. FML

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By brittrus - 8/5/2015 13:44 - Canada - Milton

Today, my dad drove me to the airport. As I got out of the car, he said, "You better pop that zit on your face, security might think it's a bomb". FML

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By post-loss - 6/6/2017 18:00

Today, in my excitement to make some new cards for the postcard exchange I take part in, I apparently spilled my bottle of glue directly into the bag that contains my entire postcard collection. I didn't notice until several hours later. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2014 04:35 - United States - Long Beach

Today, my boyfriend gave me a long, philosophical explanation about how he doesn't love me, but we should still have sex. FML

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By nutcracker - 23/2/2010 09:28 - Slovenia

Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML

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By Dramaqueenfornothing - 27/4/2016 22:32 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML

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By thatwas10yearsago - 28/9/2012 02:41 - United States - Reston

Today, I found out why the girl I like won't give me the time of day. Apparently, I called her ugly and pushed her into a puddle when we were in kindergarten. FML

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By jinxofsocal - 21/6/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, was my boyfriend's birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2014 15:30 - United States - Montpelier

Today, I went with a couple of my friends to see a friend who's fallen very ill. Her dad walked in with a gun and demanded to know which of us had gotten his daughter pregnant. By the time I realized it was a joke, I'd already pissed myself. FML

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By Cslouth - 27/10/2012 04:04 - United States - Rochester

Today, it's the five year anniversary of the day I broke up with my girlfriend to see other people. I've not had sex a single time since. FML

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By Unclean - 12/3/2020 18:58

Missing the point

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 6 months because I told him I loved him. Not because he felt any different than I did, but because the term "love" should be reserved for God, and not be said to mortals. FML

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By hangman - 1/8/2013 18:25 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk and causing a big scene in front of our customers. I was laughing because he'd forwarded me a hilarious email. He was practically smirking as he handed me my official warning. FML

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By rolypoly - 5/3/2014 12:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I achieved a personal goal by completing a half-marathon for charity, despite being overweight and unfit before training. When I finished I cried, not because I was proud of myself, but because I ran the last 2 miles while being followed by kids on bicycles calling me a "fat cunt". FML

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Top comments

By vampireknight | 0

#6685 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:29

so do you still have this job?

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#6703 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 0:05

did they ask for a reinactment?

COMMENTS

By blackberry92 | 0

#6675 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:18

video? it wasn't your fault

By vampireknight | 0

#6685 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:29

so do you still have this job?

By jesusjr | 0

#6697 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:54

i've been in meetings, which were informal, where at the end someone shows something funny from their email. That's a tough break, not really your fault.

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#6703 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 0:05

did they ask for a reinactment?

By ohhhhh_dear | 0

#6705 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 0:14

im calling your bluff.
and if it really did happen.
then its so your fault.

Reply

seb6969 | 6

#4374725 - Monday 30 April 2012 22:51

What's the link to that video???

By suckerz | 0

#6715 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 0:30

your fault... getting that wasted is just stupid...

By burdenofaday | 0

#6719 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 0:34

Getting that wasted is great. Getting that wasted on a weekday is what's stupid. :P

I, too, wish to see this video. >:]

By Drockvp | 0

#6737 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:01

that is awesome.. tell your boss you give private dances and get a raise.. im just saying we all could use a lil extra money lol

By serially | 0

#6836 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 3:02

champion.

By NorfolkDude | 2

#6883 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 4:07

This reminds me of when someone's parents realize their daugther is on Girls Gone Wild.