Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML
Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to take a video of his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML
Today, holding my teenager's hand at the hospital, I unfortunately had a front row seat as a nurse manipulated his penis trying to pop a ball bearing out of his urethra. He had been curious to see if it fit. It did. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t pee it out, so off to the hospital we went. FML
Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML
Today, at the age of 25, for the first time in my life, I was lying mostly naked in front of a man while he was inserting something in my body. Too bad that man was a doctor and that thing was a colonoscopy. FML
Today, a patient at the hospital I work at had a tracheal tube and couldn't speak. I'm unable to read lips, but I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words "Stupid bitch" every time I tried to stop him from pulling out his IV. FML
Today, I went to the ER as I have an ulcer and I was exhibiting signs of a perforation. This is when the gorgeous doctor told me he had to stick his finger up my butt to check for rectal bleeding. FML
Today, I learned that even though they say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it doesn't keep him from putting a Q-tip up your ass. FML
Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML
Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML
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Top comments
WCARlover 35
I get calls from assholes all the time, though...(I work in retail)
Nyx_fml 23
Hey, he was just trying to make contact with Uranus. Or Hisanus, rather.
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Comments (190)
AnagenisisZagus 13
DocBastard, is that... Well, **** me for being several hours late.
MrBoredomioo 18
Booty call. You're doing it wrong
an3ph 20
Was it on vibrate?
alycion 39
One in a million shot doc. One in a million.
AngryD 9
wow I hope you didn't do him any favors and give him pain meds or use lube. you should have made it painful as possible to teach him a lesson
Dre27 20
That's a new one, maybe he was trying to get reception, or anuseption
blackonblight 33
First thought on reading: I remember that story! Then I read the location, so I had to say 'why do humans keep doing this?' And then go find the new report. Anyone else remember the news story about the reverse butt dial? No? Just me? "Sri Lanka phone-smuggling prisoner betrayed by ringing butt"
Tuffay 14
It's Obama care's new colonoscopy from home app.
freckleface221 19
How do you even stretch your asshole enough to fit a phone in there... O.O
cinnamondemon 8
Wow what an asshole.... Hehe