Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML
Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to take a video of his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML
Today, holding my teenager's hand at the hospital, I unfortunately had a front row seat as a nurse manipulated his penis trying to pop a ball bearing out of his urethra. He had been curious to see if it fit. It did. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t pee it out, so off to the hospital we went. FML
Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML
Today, at the age of 25, for the first time in my life, I was lying mostly naked in front of a man while he was inserting something in my body. Too bad that man was a doctor and that thing was a colonoscopy. FML
Today, a patient at the hospital I work at had a tracheal tube and couldn't speak. I'm unable to read lips, but I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words "Stupid bitch" every time I tried to stop him from pulling out his IV. FML
Today, I went to the ER as I have an ulcer and I was exhibiting signs of a perforation. This is when the gorgeous doctor told me he had to stick his finger up my butt to check for rectal bleeding. FML
Today, I learned that even though they say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it doesn't keep him from putting a Q-tip up your ass. FML
Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML
Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
WCARlover 35
I get calls from assholes all the time, though...(I work in retail)
Nyx_fml 23
Hey, he was just trying to make contact with Uranus. Or Hisanus, rather.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (190)
akcowboy 2
Butt dial anyone? No one? Ok
darryaz 9
You should post his number.
midnight165 5
This still doesn't top the boyfriends iPhone being removed from the girlfriends ****** a year ago.. I have to wonder what sexting level they were taking this android phone to. I wonder if OP talked to him about the story
skyeyez9 25
My mom is an ER physician and had to remove a barbie doll from a man's butt. She said they have (forgot the name of it) a numbing gel they use for their ass. But if they are the repeat offenders who are always in for something up their ass. She doesn't use it on them.
ahoyyfaggot 1
I guess you could say he was trying to talk shit.
reymon8823 24
Ummm what?
Zombie_Sea_Otter 9
does he have roaming charges there?
edward_cossett 5
if by cellphone, you meant a Samsung galaxy note 2, then that must have been painful.
Phoenix_fml 13
he was looking for that 4G-Spot coverage
worldclassrager 41
If this was a chick I can understand...missing vibrator and replacement...otherwise I am really have lost all my faith in humanity...