Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag...

By Anonymous - 2/12/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

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Intimacy

Family values

No one likes a smart-ass

Does it taste good?

By Qwerty - 28/6/2011 16:10 - Australia

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to pick my nose. FML

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By somethingblue - 16/9/2013 21:11 - United States - Lowell

Today, it's my wedding day. Almost a year ago I was in a terrible car accident that nearly left me paralyzed, but I worked my ass off to be able to walk down the aisle. After a lot of blood, sweat, and tears I made it to the big day... and woke up with food poisoning. FML

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By gimpy - 23/6/2016 15:00 - United States - Panama City

Today, I was carrying my coffee from the kitchen to the coffee table and couch. Last week I had ACL surgery, so I'm on crutches. Unfortunately, I got the urge to sneeze on my walk to the couch. I didn't make it to the couch before I sneezed and spilled coffee everywhere. FML

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By PTKFML - 26/7/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, while in the middle of having sex with my husband, instead of saying something sexy in my ear, he whispered, "We are so gonna make pizza after this." FML

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By maddiee. - 21/10/2010 15:20 - Indonesia

Today, I was on Skype with a guy I really like, in the living room. My dad saw that I was on video chat, got undressed, right down to his bright green y-fronts, and then started dancing behind me. My crush saw it all. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2010 14:29 - Canada

Today, I was the only girl in my lab class. The instructor was learning our names. When he came to me, I went to say "mine will be easy" and it came out as "I'm easy." FML

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By asdfjkl - 6/9/2009 17:27 - United States

Today, I had a long, meaningful telephone conversation. After hanging up, I realized I hadn't had such a great conversation in a long time. Who was it with? The Dell Customer Support guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 20:33 - United States

Today, the weather was beautiful, so I decided to go out skating. I guess I took a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, because I ended up being chased several blocks by a group of jacked-up thugs wielding baseball bats and taunting, "Skate or die, homie!" FML

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By LiquorChick - 20/1/2012 08:23 - United States

Today, I was transporting liquor between stores for work. A car pulled out and cut me off, causing me to slam on my brakes. My car stopped. The 200 dollars-worth of booze did not. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2010 21:27 - United States

Today, I told the girl I've been seeing for a while about the strong feelings that I have for her and that I was falling in love. She told me my words made her realize what it felt like to be in love. My words were so powerful, in fact, that she ran right back into the arms of her ex boyfriend. FML

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By guest - 1/4/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, my wife decided that to help her stop smoking, she's also giving up the things that make her crave a cigarette. Sex is one of them. FML

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By ctop - 13/5/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the lecture hall. A girl walked by to get to her seat and her dress got caught on the handles, lifting it up. She didn't notice but I did, so I tried to take it off the handles. She turned around to see me holding her dress up. FML

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By mandy16 - 4/9/2010 03:43

Today, I got my wisdom teeth taken out. The two male doctors told me they'd give me anesthesia, but when they did, I could still hear them. I heard them talking about my breasts and how flat they were for a 17 year old. FML

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By Junkrat - 8/12/2016 13:32

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral sex when he pulled away without warning. As I looked up at him to see what was wrong, he screamed "JUSTICE RAINS FROM ABOVE!" and shot his load in my eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 14:00

Hmmm, nutritious!

Today, I'm in the coronavirus-vulnerable group, so I asked my friend to go shopping for me because I'm in need of food and toilet paper. They came back with a bag of icing sugar, even though food and toilet paper were available in the shop. Forty minutes later, the shelves were stripped bare. FML

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By waterspike - 29/1/2010 13:18 - France

Today, after finally getting a date with the girl I like, she invited her new boyfriend along as well. I ended up paying for their first date. FML

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By blackedout - 6/10/2009 05:25 - Singapore

Today, I fainted on the sidewalk. When I woke up, I was still lying on the sidewalk, people were stepping over me and my purse was gone. FML

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By loli-conned - 21/6/2009 22:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping for my little sister's birthday. She loves manga. I've never read manga, so I bought a couple of novels from the "popular" shelf. Turns out if they have white covers it means they are "adult" books. I bought my sister a "lolicon" manga - filled with prebuscent naked girls. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2019 00:01

Today, my 16-year-old cousin told me she was "late." When I asked if she could be pregnant, she said no, because, "you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex." I ended up having to give her the sex talk. FML

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By skunked - 18/6/2013 18:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was visiting my childhood home, and I checked out my old treehouse. A family of skunks had made it their home, and I was promptly sprayed upon entering. FML

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By Sleeper_C3ll - 4/2/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I heard a man pleasuring himself in the stall next to me during my post lunch deuce. I was washing my hands when my boss walked out of the stall. I can no longer look at him in the face. FML

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By Titatoum - 17/1/2015 21:12 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I was accused of letting my dog take a shit on the sidewalk and not picking it up. My dog's a chihuahua, and the turd was almost longer than he is. I got fined anyway. FML

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By Aw522 - 30/5/2012 23:07 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cutting the grass, it was really hot and I fainted. I woke up to see my mom standing over me. I thought she was going to freak out and call an ambulance. Instead she said, "Good, you're up. Now you can finish." FML

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By really - 1/11/2014 01:16 - United States

Today, my parents told me they don't think I'll ever find a boyfriend, and insist on referring to my future cats as their "grandkids". FML

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By anonymous - 11/4/2009 13:23 - United States

Today, as I was walking into CVS, two older men outside said to me "Young lady, please consider us on your way out." Thinking they were hitting on me, I rolled my eyes and said "Screw you." When I walked back outside, I realized they were asking for AIDS donations. FML

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By doesntkissalot - 28/8/2010 16:19 - United States

Today, I was watching TV when a Dentyne gum commercial came on and stated that the average person spends more than 20,000 minutes kissing. I've spent less than three. FML

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By Dogsbody - 27/5/2019 02:30

Today, I noticed that my dad scolds me in the same tone of voice that he uses to scold our two dogs. Gives a whole new meaning to being treated like a dog. FML

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By unknown - 13/12/2011 02:04 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me using the bathroom. After rushing out, he yelled at me through the door for not locking it. He made up the "no locking the doors inside the house" rule. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2009 04:21 - United States

Today, I just found out that my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend are rooming together at college. Visits are going to be extremely awkward. FML

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By leopard - 1/6/2018 19:00

Today, I was finally confident enough to buzz half my hair off into the style I've wanted since I was young. Turns out that I have a particularly large and angry-looking skin problem across my scalp that may well have been there for years. It'll take months to grow back. FML

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By BS2280 - 9/6/2020 23:00

Relationships sink

Today, my wife told me that she isn't in a place where she can have a physical relationship, that if I want us to have a physical relationship, then we need to start from the bottom up, and work on building a friendship. I'm like, we've been married 15 years, and we're not even friends? FML

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By anonymous - 8/6/2011 16:47 - United States

Today, while in class, I desperately had to fart. Someone in the room had a coughing fit, so I took that as the chance to let it out. When I was about to release, the coughing stopped. I couldn't stop in time. FML

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By bagadigi - 27/10/2016 14:18 - Canada - Nepean

Today, I was sitting in my old rusty truck in an empty parking lot, when some old lady parks beside me and opens her door, hitting my truck. Having a used up truck, I didn't mind. But you could tell that it made her mad, when she came back with the manager demanding that I pay for her paint job. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2010 08:30 - United States

Today, I'm having a nice evening out on the town. After my complimentary round of drinks for my birthday, my friend walks in with a big pink gift-box. It was an inflatable... erm... 'friend.' Which then got unwrapped in front of several of my other friends. And several members of my family. FML

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By mocass’1 - 13/10/2008 08:19 - France

Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML

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By ealovan - 3/3/2014 05:18 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I have exactly 204 snowflakes saved onto my computer, all of which I made on this snowflake-making website. This is what my life has come to. FML

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By wowimdumb - 30/1/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, I was at a power lifting meet when a girl I really liked walked in. Trying to impress her, I increased my bench to 350, when I have only done 300 before. She then watched me drop it on my chest, breaking my breast bone, and also crying in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2013 07:11 - United States - Rainier

Today, I received a prank phone call that woke me up. I actually kept them on the line because they were the first person to call me in weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2012 11:53 - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm breaking up with her because she's very abusive. After a couple of seconds of awkward silence, she kicked me in the nuts and ran away. FML

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By chee - 11/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

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Top comments

By rave_noises | 0

#1783002 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:23

He sounds fun. Invite him over for tea and crumpets.

By Judus_beej | 0

#1783078 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:44

you should have said depends on the size. the smaller the more costly and by the sounds of it you need to get a loan from
the bank.

Comments

By blacklily0103 | 0

#1782964 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:17

moderated this :)

By kyrarox | 0

#1782966 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:17

smokeymcpottt | 3

#1783047 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:35

Ha ha uh ha ha ha, I have nothing better to say ha.

zeeindahouse | 0

#1783230 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:32

and how much u charge?

Zesty697 | 0

#1783266 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:39

well this situation BLOWS

zakkyzebra | 11

#1783309 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:50

I never knew douchebags could talk... Yay for talking inanimate objects!

savs11 | 13

#1783346 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:59

#26 is a win.

Cyosaric | 0

#1783476 - Thursday 2 December 2010 14:36

I love 28 because she has a cat. Wanna lick the slime off my belly?

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1783644 - Thursday 2 December 2010 15:19

so your neighbour likes to shop around, whats the big deal?

WishResign | 0

#1783812 - Thursday 2 December 2010 16:22

"Bitch you could be making some real motherfuckin money. I'll treat you real good..." I bet OP is the bottom bitch. She gets solicited without even trying lol

By mitri_fml | 3

#1782980 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:20

lolz so how much did you tell him?

zeeindahouse | 0

#1783241 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:34

1 year free trial with an upgrade I guess

pink_mess | 0

#1791953 - Saturday 4 December 2010 11:40

dang if i were you id get my self. a gun a big dog, security system ..... man him being your neighboor dont let him rape you

By ayeitsmerr | 0

#1782995 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:21

haha, nice>. that sucks for you.

GodOfBeer | 5

#1783086 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:46

actually she sucked him

fishycanswim | 0

#1783699 - Thursday 2 December 2010 15:40

Pun intended?

GodOfBeer | 5

#1783832 - Thursday 2 December 2010 16:30

obviously :D

By madmadd | 0

#1783000 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:22

u guys can have sleepovers 2gether :P

kindlystfupls | 0

#1783024 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:26

and she could possibly make money at the same time!! lol

TheBananaTheif | 0

#1783584 - Thursday 2 December 2010 15:08

You could even make money off of your new friend... or is that immoral in any way?

bt3 | 0

#1784148 - Thursday 2 December 2010 18:46

hot

starile | 19

#1784362 - Thursday 2 December 2010 19:35

He might just be a visiting friend of a neighbor.

TheBananaTheif | 0

#1786878 - Friday 3 December 2010 7:04

Please tell me it isn't

By rave_noises | 0

#1783002 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:23

He sounds fun. Invite him over for tea and crumpets.

pandemic_fml | 0

#1783184 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:15

This.

By firemanrob | 0

#1783006 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:23

this could be the start of a good porn movie

RedPillSucks | 31

#1783531 - Thursday 2 December 2010 14:54

or a good murder mystery.

alfredrog | 0

#1783590 - Thursday 2 December 2010 15:10

Lololol win for cum in the face xD

By charlesnk7 | 0

#1783038 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:33

thats his way to tell u ur hot

By Judus_beej | 0

#1783078 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:44

you should have said depends on the size. the smaller the more costly and by the sounds of it you need to get a loan from
the bank.

kaity111 | 0

#1783120 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:51

win^

CitrusGirl | 0

#1783261 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:38

Trucks are always compensation, unless you actually have alot of stuff to carry around.
Whoa. Double entendre.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1783389 - Thursday 2 December 2010 14:17

I own a truck. Is it because I don't have a penis?(:

Molkerei | 0

#1783952 - Thursday 2 December 2010 17:04

yes, yes it is.

pokemaster2468 | 0

#1785533 - Friday 3 December 2010 1:49

ooooohhhhhhhhhhh that woulda been a frikin good dis

By ImBeingLiedTo | 0

#1783096 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:47

awe grandpa so silly these days

Quest_ | 13

#1783225 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:30

No, he was correct.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1783386 - Thursday 2 December 2010 14:14

Grandpa wants a BJ?

ZERO530 | 5

#1784139 - Thursday 2 December 2010 18:38

Wrong FML Dingus

starile | 19

#1784311 - Thursday 2 December 2010 19:24

Of course grandpa wants a BJ!