Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33401

You deserved it

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Intimacy

White line fever

Relationships sink

Persona non grata

By Username - United States

Today, while babysitting I decided to play with a children's puzzle to pass the time. Fifteen minutes in I gave up. The kid then came over and put it together in less than five. There were only ten pieces. FML

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11918

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By jesus christ, dad - United Kingdom - Manchester

Knock first

Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML

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56753

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By David Ryan - 11/9/2020 09:02 - United Kingdom

Brain worms

Today, I was walking by a neighbour when he said, "Is your dad home?" I swiftly replied, "I'm good thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks

933

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315

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By ulring - United States

Today, I walked all the way across campus to eat the first meal I've had all day. After waiting for my food in a congested line for 30 minutes, I got to the register to pay. Turns out my wallet was a twenty minute walk away, back in my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25340

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By Janitoro - United States

Double-edged sword

Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38247

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By afafakfhsg - United States

Today, I was in bed, about to fall asleep, when I remembered something funny. While trying not to laugh, I started grunting and biting my lip, when suddenly my brother walked by my door. He refuses to believe that I wasn't masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34261

You deserved it

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By Anon - Singapore

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He got a text and reached over to get his phone. In the process, he elbowed my face and busted my lip. He laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29929

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By ineedayob - United States - La Mesa

Today, I went for an interview regarding a seasonal position I'd been offered at a grocery store. The manager showed up 45 minutes past the scheduled interview time, cheerfully greeted me, and took me back to his office, just to tell me that they don't hire seasonal help. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46805

You deserved it

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By Jessica S. - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that the mysterious and creepy weirdo guy that continuously sends me messages on Facebook is my manager at my new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25348

You deserved it

2008

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By Anonymous - United States - Athens

Today, my best friend can now say "I fucked your mom" to me and actually mean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48721

You deserved it

3637

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By Ah hell - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11823

You deserved it

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By Beaky - Canada

Today, I found out it takes no special training to put a large glass marble up my nostril but may require someone with a medical degree to remove it. FML

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7088

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By curseyousuperman - United States - Conway

Today, my self-esteem issues got me jealous of Superman's hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23758

You deserved it

6640

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By zac545 - United States

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53844

You deserved it

11180

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By lateralligator

Elvis has left the building

Today, I realized I need to lose weight when I split my pants wide open while at my job directing a funeral, bowing to the casket in front of 200 silent devout attendees, during prayers. I picked that day to wear a red thong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1493

You deserved it

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By malcolmXXX - United States - Savannah

Today, a girl I've liked for the longest time kept asking me to reveal my "deepest secret" in exchange for hers. Thinking this was flirting, I told her my secret was that I liked her. Her secret was that she was a "lesbian and just had to tell somebody." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28072

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was eating lunch, and accidentally got ketchup on the sofa, so I hastily doused it with stain remover. The ketchup is now no longer there; however there is a larger stain in its place. I stained the sofa with stain remover. FML

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24186

You deserved it

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By Uniforms

Today, a friend of mine asked me to take him to a city about an hour away to pick up his firefighter uniforms. When we arrived, he was told that his uniforms had been shipped to the station he works at. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4461

You deserved it

396

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By spiderhater - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

106564

You deserved it

5270

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By Judy69 - United States - Dekalb

Today, things were getting heated between me and the guy I like, and we were about to have sex. I told him to turn the TV off so we can get started. His response? "But I like this show." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30455

You deserved it

5979

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By GuiltByTenuousAssociation - United States

Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

41278

You deserved it

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By I knew it! - United States - Washington

Today, I woke up to 6 missed calls. I called back to find a woman asking how I know her boyfriend after seeing our texts. I told her he's been my boyfriend for 4 months, and she told me he's been hers for over a year. He vehemently denied knowing who I am as I spoke, even with obvious proof. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3982

You deserved it

283

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By CoyoteOldOne - 12/9/2020 08:59 - United States - Denver

DIY decoration tips

Today, I got an empty peanut butter jar to put my used insulin needles in so nobody gets stuck. My husband washed it for me. He also wrote all over it: "F*** off! Sharps! Do not f***ing touch! Go away! Do not f***ing throw away!" Thanks, sweetie. Now it looks like a crazy guy shouting on the subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1029

You deserved it

263

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By thosedamnkids - United States

Today, I was working at Staples and organizing some notebooks. All of a sudden, I jumped up because of a sharp pain in my back. A little girl had grabbed a stapler and stapled my back. FML

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43225

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By fuckmyplums - Austria - Grossarl

Today, I worked up the nerve to ask my boss for a raise. Today is also the day I found out my boss has a shitlist of employees he wants to fire, and that I'm now on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41297

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By agnosticstudy - United States

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

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11874

You deserved it

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By 8to10days - United Kingdom

Today, I received a new debit card, so I cut the old one into pieces. I then picked up my remaining card, and realized I'd cut up the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11845

You deserved it

54759

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By CriminalMistake - United States

Today, I was leaving a campus parking garage. Suddenly, a huge man appeared behind me and kept saying "HEY!" "STOP!" In a gruff voice. I picked up my pace and so did he. I finally turned to him with a can of mace and threatened to use it. He was trying to return the $5 bill I dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15553

You deserved it

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By UHM - United States

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my mom. The first thing my mom did was look at her breasts and mention that no matter what happens, hers were the first that I suckled on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56123

You deserved it

4000

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By jarrettsorko - Canada

Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28220

You deserved it

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By Whitley - United States

Today, I made salmon patties and boiled cabbage. I smelled smoke from my stove burner, but thought I spilled something in the burner. No big deal. Later, this horrible smell started coming from the stove. My husband took the stove apart, only to find that I had fried a mouse as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31360

You deserved it

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By tommyboy783 - United States

Today, this weird girl started texting me. I really didn't want to talk to her, so I texted back, "This message could not be delivered because of a temporery network setup error. Error 2128-226110." She replied, "You spelt temporary wrong." FML

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12038

You deserved it

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I was walking to school. I started running to catch up with my friend. I yelled her name, and she turned around in time to watch me slip on a sheet of ice, fall face first, and pass out. When she ran to my side, I unconsciously peed on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33283

You deserved it

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By weddingblues - United States

Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40478

You deserved it

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By maisie

Today, while at a family gathering, I sat down in a chair and it broke. Embarrassed, I picked myself up and sat down in another chair. That one broke too. I'm now the "fat girl" of the family despite weighing 90 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2903

You deserved it

231

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By Angela - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office. People kept staring at me and I couldn't figure out why. Later, I realized my sister's puppies had chewed a noticeable hole in my pants' crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28452

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Beaumont

Feelings

Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML

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66390

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's been one week since my demented grandma babysat my five-year-old daughter while my husband took me to a fancy restaurant. Now she's taken to screaming and calling me a "damn commie" whenever I discipline or say no to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25527

You deserved it

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By sailorpete

Today, I got fired from the job I've only had for a week. Between paying for a physical, my own background check and uniforms, I paid more money to start working there than I'll get from my one and only paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1826

You deserved it

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By Ugh - United States - Washington

Today, I locked myself out of my apartment. I've just realized that I could have spent $30 on an Uber or Lyft to my parents' place to grab the other set of keys instead of calling a locksmith and paying $280 for him to drill a hole through my doorknob, rendering all my keys useless. FML

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Top comments

By rave_noises | 0

#1783002 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:23

He sounds fun. Invite him over for tea and crumpets.

By Judus_beej | 0

#1783078 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:44

you should have said depends on the size. the smaller the more costly and by the sounds of it you need to get a loan from
the bank.

COMMENTS

By blacklily0103 | 0

#1782964 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:17

moderated this :)

By kyrarox | 0

#1782966 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:17

smokeymcpottt | 3

#1783047 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:35

Ha ha uh ha ha ha, I have nothing better to say ha.

zeeindahouse | 0

#1783230 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:32

and how much u charge?

Zesty697 | 0

#1783266 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:39

well this situation BLOWS

zakkyzebra | 11

#1783309 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:50

I never knew douchebags could talk... Yay for talking inanimate objects!

savs11 | 13

#1783346 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:59

#26 is a win.

Cyosaric | 0

#1783476 - Thursday 2 December 2010 14:36

I love 28 because she has a cat. Wanna lick the slime off my belly?

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1783644 - Thursday 2 December 2010 15:19

so your neighbour likes to shop around, whats the big deal?

WishResign | 0

#1783812 - Thursday 2 December 2010 16:22

"Bitch you could be making some real motherfuckin money. I'll treat you real good..." I bet OP is the bottom bitch. She gets solicited without even trying lol

By mitri_fml | 3

#1782980 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:20

lolz so how much did you tell him?

zeeindahouse | 0

#1783241 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:34

1 year free trial with an upgrade I guess

pink_mess | 0

#1791953 - Saturday 4 December 2010 11:40

dang if i were you id get my self. a gun a big dog, security system ..... man him being your neighboor dont let him rape you

By ayeitsmerr | 0

#1782995 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:21

haha, nice>. that sucks for you.

GodOfBeer | 5

#1783086 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:46

actually she sucked him

fishycanswim | 0

#1783699 - Thursday 2 December 2010 15:40

Pun intended?

GodOfBeer | 5

#1783832 - Thursday 2 December 2010 16:30

obviously :D

By madmadd | 0

#1783000 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:22

u guys can have sleepovers 2gether :P

kindlystfupls | 0

#1783024 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:26

and she could possibly make money at the same time!! lol

TheBananaTheif | 0

#1783584 - Thursday 2 December 2010 15:08

You could even make money off of your new friend... or is that immoral in any way?

bt3 | 0

#1784148 - Thursday 2 December 2010 18:46

hot

starile | 19

#1784362 - Thursday 2 December 2010 19:35

He might just be a visiting friend of a neighbor.

TheBananaTheif | 0

#1786878 - Friday 3 December 2010 7:04

Please tell me it isn't

By rave_noises | 0

#1783002 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:23

He sounds fun. Invite him over for tea and crumpets.

pandemic_fml | 0

#1783184 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:15

This.

By firemanrob | 0

#1783006 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:23

this could be the start of a good porn movie

RedPillSucks | 31

#1783531 - Thursday 2 December 2010 14:54

or a good murder mystery.

alfredrog | 0

#1783590 - Thursday 2 December 2010 15:10

Lololol win for cum in the face xD

By charlesnk7 | 0

#1783038 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:33

thats his way to tell u ur hot

By Judus_beej | 0

#1783078 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:44

you should have said depends on the size. the smaller the more costly and by the sounds of it you need to get a loan from
the bank.

kaity111 | 0

#1783120 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:51

win^

CitrusGirl | 0

#1783261 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:38

Trucks are always compensation, unless you actually have alot of stuff to carry around.
Whoa. Double entendre.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1783389 - Thursday 2 December 2010 14:17

I own a truck. Is it because I don't have a penis?(:

Molkerei | 0

#1783952 - Thursday 2 December 2010 17:04

yes, yes it is.

pokemaster2468 | 0

#1785533 - Friday 3 December 2010 1:49

ooooohhhhhhhhhhh that woulda been a frikin good dis

By ImBeingLiedTo | 0

#1783096 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:47

awe grandpa so silly these days

Quest_ | 13

#1783225 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:30

No, he was correct.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1783386 - Thursday 2 December 2010 14:14

Grandpa wants a BJ?

ZERO530 | 5

#1784139 - Thursday 2 December 2010 18:38

Wrong FML Dingus

starile | 19

#1784311 - Thursday 2 December 2010 19:24

Of course grandpa wants a BJ!