Intimacy: Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag... - FML

By Anonymous - 02/12/2010 05:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 452

You deserved it 2 888

Taking stock

Plumbed out

Leave me out of it

Anaconda

By lizbeth - 23/05/2021 04:01

Today, I took a massive shit and flushed the toilet, but it apparently didn’t flush properly. My mom then entered the bathroom, took a picture of my shit, and showed it to everyone she knows. She doesn’t understand why I’m embarrassed, and thinks that I should instead "take pride" in my giant poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 871

You deserved it 187

By Lovelysister - 21/10/2009 23:21 - United States

Today, I texted my brother saying, "Always remember I love you! Never forget it!" to which he replied, "You better not be doing drugs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 951

You deserved it 9 730

By Urgghh - 16/05/2013 21:36 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my chest. Due to a severe allergic reaction it has swollen my left breast a cup size. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "Hey look! I can finally see one of them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 399

You deserved it 6 410

Shocking

By Anonymous - 02/08/2020 17:01

Today, I tried to hang up a light and, in my clumsiness, got shocked. My dad started screaming at me for yelling out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 197

You deserved it 205

By Anonymous - 01/09/2010 04:13 - United States

Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 1/5 of the way through the sandwich. My compensation for ingesting mold? A coupon for half-off a Whopper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 748

You deserved it 4 915

By Drunken Sailor - 27/06/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out my new Commanding Officer is my ex-wife's new boyfriend. We're going on a two year tour at sea in two weeks. The reason we got a divorce is that she couldn't handle being tied down with someone in the Navy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 673

You deserved it 3 420

By LOLOLOLOL - 20/08/2012 08:55 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I watched as some idiot made a bad U-turn and I laughed. I then turned into another car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 388

You deserved it 37 623

By Can’t Cope - 19/11/2017 19:00

Today my fiancé is going to Planned Parenthood to see if he got herpes from a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 472

You deserved it 507

By fuck off, dad - 02/01/2014 17:07 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad is going through a midlife crisis. He now wants to be less like a dad and more like a "best friend" to me. This mainly involves him constantly texting me, sending me stuff on Snapchat, and saying stuff like "wicked cool", "bazinga", and "swag" every chance he gets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 153

You deserved it 4 766

By ImprovTeacher - 16/06/2019 14:05

Today, I was teaching a small group of improv students. I asked one guy to do a monologue, and laughed to myself while he did so. I said, "Sorry, I'm just laughing at the way you're doing it." He then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 2 268

By grem - 13/04/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was playing with his little sister by grabbing her arms and spinning her around. On one turn, she started screaming in pain. It turns out I dislocated both her shoulders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 648

You deserved it 69 400

By baddad - 23/09/2013 04:44 - United States

Today, I started shaking my son's Little Bill doll in frustration, as the batteries weren't working. My nosy neighbor saw through the window and called the cops. They wouldn't believe me and now the whole neighborhood thinks I'm a child abuser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 426

You deserved it 7 757

By Anonymous - 03/05/2014 05:00 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I pulled up next to a lady who was trying to text, smoke, and drive. My brother said that she was probably going to cause an accident. He was right. At the next light she hit us. She then yelled that I purposely caused the accident because, "that's how teenagers are". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 092

You deserved it 3 430

By questionmark707 - 12/04/2012 23:53 - United States - Fullerton

Today, while driving my car near a farm, I hit a man on the side of the road. I started freaking out and got out of the car to help him. It was then that I found out that I'd hit a scarecrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 268

You deserved it 7 237

By Anonymous - 01/09/2013 04:40 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after I explained to my waitress that I have an allergy to butter, she nonetheless put some on my baked potato. When I had her get me another, without butter, she came back with one and then asked if I would like butter with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 776

You deserved it 3 530

By Brinty - 24/10/2009 04:26 - Australia

Today, I found my brand new tropical fish dead in its tank because my boyfriend got drunk last night and decided to pour red wine into the aquarium. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 356

You deserved it 3 554

By awesome - 21/09/2010 04:49 - United States

Today, I ran over my neighbors' cat. I didn't want it to look like I killed it, so I put it under my other neighbor's car so it would look like they ran over it. The cat's owners were watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 314

You deserved it 81 155

By goddamitme - 21/02/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, My girlfriend came from behind me and put her hand in my back pockets. I though it was someone trying to take my wallet, I elbowed her in the nose and broke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 015

You deserved it 12 902

By cooldude - 01/07/2010 15:19 - United States

Today, I got called a "loser" by an old man wearing pink flip-flops and riding a purple moped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 097

You deserved it 8 110

By Kaitlyn Aronson - 07/12/2018 15:30

Today, my coworker spilled sticky fruit glaze all over my cake display cake and left it overnight uncleaned. The same display case I spent 2 hours cleaning the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 492

You deserved it 148

By ritz - 10/09/2009 14:15 - United States

Today, I was leaving my job at a huge mall. I couldn't find my car anywhere, so I panicked and flagged a security officer. I cried while he drove me around for miles in the endless parking lot. Then, suddenly, I remembered. My friend had dropped me off in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 508

You deserved it 55 971

By Anonymous - 04/06/2012 18:21 - United States - Hollandale

Today, I saw a text message on my husband's phone from a "Candice", asking him if he and his wife are still separated, followed by an invitation to spend the night. I never knew we were separated in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 319

You deserved it 2 580

Ran out

By Never going jogging again - 10/02/2021 10:59

Today, I went on a jogging date with a guy I'd been on a couple of dates with. I was a little worried that I wouldn't keep up, but I did and everything was fine. Or at least I thought so. After we'd finished, he dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 69

By riiiighhhttttt - 05/08/2013 05:38 - United States - Laurel

Today, I actually had to explain to my sister that Shrek was not in fact based on a true story. She replied that I'm a "clueless twat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 612

You deserved it 4 338

By dumped - 10/03/2011 21:42 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend haltingly dumped me over the phone. Faint splashes punctuated her grunting, straining sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 406

You deserved it 4 005

By Anonymous - 22/07/2009 11:29 - Netherlands

Today, my husband and kids celebrated my 50th birthday. I turned 47. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 631

You deserved it 3 811

I miss him

By Anonymous - 24/02/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, after a 6 month dry spell, my husband was yet again “too tired” to have sex. I guess I finally found something I miss about my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 292

You deserved it 411

Weird family

By Anonymous - 25/02/2021 08:01 - United States - Gloucester

Spicy

Today, my dad asked my mom to flash him. He didn't forget I was in the room, he just couldn't be bothered to wait. My mom obliged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 028

You deserved it 136

By imsorrytimmy - 02/04/2009 15:34 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 905

You deserved it 114 026

By Username - 09/07/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, I realized that my wife is such a bitch normally, she's actually nicer when she is on her period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 431

You deserved it 8 145

By Claustrophobic - 04/04/2013 07:12 - United States

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 205

You deserved it 2 411

By the unfortunate man - 19/07/2013 04:29 - United States - Salisbury

Spicy

Today, I was using the urinal when another guy came in. His friends decided to scare him while he was using the urinal next to mine. They jumped out at him, he turned around and ended up peeing all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 184

You deserved it 3 137

By jasonvanr - 10/05/2016 08:19 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, a woman kindly asked if she might take a photo of her son in our cowboy boots. Thinking it couldn't do much harm, I agreed. Ten minutes later there was a butt naked three year-old and his entire family taking pictures in my shoe store. My manager wasn't impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 703

You deserved it 1 517

Gas giant

By morgan - 09/04/2021 23:00

Today, while laying in bed, I let out a huge fart. I then heard my roommate yell from outside my room, "Did you think you were alone?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 706

You deserved it 256

By DudeManBro69 - 01/05/2009 13:15 - United States

Today, I was walking downstairs to the subway. At the top of the stairs this hobo was peeing. Two seconds before, I told my friend I felt rain. It wasn't rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 955

You deserved it 3 549

By Anonymous - 28/02/2019 11:00 - United States - University

Today, I went to take a shower, but forgot my towel and dorm key in the room. After my shower, I had to run down to the front desk butt-naked, using only a shampoo bottle as cover, and ask for a temporary key. The person running the front desk was my ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 084

You deserved it 1 053

Creepypasta

By mrsekko - 31/05/2011 12:44 - United States

Today, my daughter called for me to come into the bathroom. Turns out the tummy ache she'd been complaining of was actually parasites in her digestive tract. I could swear they were looking at me from the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 758

You deserved it 5 275

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 20:13 - France

Today, I broke my nose by sneezing too close to a table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 262

You deserved it 7 561

Who am I?

By lonergirl - 18/02/2015 12:35 - Australia

Today, after being with the company for over 3 years, I realised nobody really knows my name. This was after my boss was walking around a new staff member and couldn't introduce me. Neither could my colleague, who's been sitting next to me for the last 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 049

You deserved it 3 920

By crapcrapcrap - 14/03/2010 07:00 - United States

Today, I went on my first date with a guy I really like. He completely ignored me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 065

You deserved it 4 755

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Top comments

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:23

He sounds fun. Invite him over for tea and crumpets.

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:44

you should have said depends on the size. the smaller the more costly and by the sounds of it you need to get a loan from the bank.

Comments

blacklily0103 0

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:17

moderated this :)

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:17

ha

smokeymcpottt 3

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:35

Ha ha uh ha ha ha, I have nothing better to say ha.

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Thursday 2 December 2010 13:32

and how much u charge?

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Thursday 2 December 2010 13:39

well this situation BLOWS

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Thursday 2 December 2010 13:50

I never knew douchebags could talk... Yay for talking inanimate objects!

savs11 13

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Thursday 2 December 2010 13:59

#26 is a win.

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Thursday 2 December 2010 14:36

I love 28 because she has a cat. Wanna lick the slime off my belly?

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Thursday 2 December 2010 15:19

so your neighbour likes to shop around, whats the big deal?

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Thursday 2 December 2010 16:22

"Bitch you could be making some real motherfuckin money. I'll treat you real good..." I bet OP is the bottom bitch. She gets solicited without even trying lol

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:20

lolz so how much did you tell him?

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Thursday 2 December 2010 13:34

1 year free trial with an upgrade I guess

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Saturday 4 December 2010 11:40

dang if i were you id get my self. a gun a big dog, security system ..... man him being your neighboor dont let him rape you

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:21

haha, nice>.<! that sucks for you.

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:46

actually she sucked him

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Thursday 2 December 2010 15:40

Pun intended?

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Thursday 2 December 2010 16:30

obviously :D

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:22

u guys can have sleepovers 2gether :P

kindlystfupls 0

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:26

and she could possibly make money at the same time!! lol

TheBananaTheif 0

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Thursday 2 December 2010 15:08

You could even make money off of your new friend... or is that immoral in any way?

bt3 0

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Thursday 2 December 2010 18:46

hot

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Thursday 2 December 2010 19:35

He might just be a visiting friend of a neighbor.

TheBananaTheif 0

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Friday 3 December 2010 7:04

Please tell me it isn't

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:23

He sounds fun. Invite him over for tea and crumpets.

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Thursday 2 December 2010 13:15

This.

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:23

this could be the start of a good porn movie

RedPillSucks 31

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Thursday 2 December 2010 14:54

or a good murder mystery.

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Thursday 2 December 2010 15:10

Lololol win for cum in the face xD

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:33

thats his way to tell u ur hot

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:44

you should have said depends on the size. the smaller the more costly and by the sounds of it you need to get a loan from the bank.

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:51

win^

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Thursday 2 December 2010 13:38

Trucks are always compensation, unless you actually have alot of stuff to carry around. Whoa. Double entendre.

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Thursday 2 December 2010 14:17

I own a truck. Is it because I don't have a penis?(:

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Thursday 2 December 2010 17:04

yes, yes it is.

pokemaster2468 0

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Friday 3 December 2010 1:49

ooooohhhhhhhhhhh that woulda been a frikin good dis

ImBeingLiedTo 0

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Thursday 2 December 2010 12:47

awe grandpa so silly these days

Quest_ 13

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Thursday 2 December 2010 13:30

No, he was correct.

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Thursday 2 December 2010 14:14

Grandpa wants a BJ?

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Thursday 2 December 2010 18:38

Wrong FML Dingus

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Thursday 2 December 2010 19:24

Of course grandpa wants a BJ!

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 17

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 148

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 407

You deserved it 101