Intimacy: Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking into my apartment building, a douchebag leaned out his truck window and yelled, "HOW MUCH FOR A BJ?" He then pulled into a spot near my car. Apparently I have a charming new neighbor. FML

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Intimacy

BO Central

Get 'em!

Deadbeat

By FreshFaced - United Kingdom

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill that he sent me home. FML

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By amy - United States - Wellesley Hills

A cashier's life

Today, as I worked as a cashier, two girls came up laughing. I smiled as I rang them up, asking what had made them laugh so hard. One looked me dead in the face and said, "You." They then both walked away, laughing. FML

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By Upbrakie - United States

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my girlfriend. I told her that I loved her. She asked me how much wind-shield wiper blades cost. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my lazy, obese mother took the last motor cart at the grocery store. My leg is in a cast. She told me to "use the shopping cart to help with the limp" as she rolled away. FML

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By unknown002 - United States

Today, I stepped on the scale because I'm trying to maintain a good weight. The scale read that I had lost 6 pounds. Feeling really good about myself, I stepped off the scale only to see that the corner of the scale was sitting on the rug, making the scale mess up and tell me the wrong weight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Just as she took her shirt off, her phone rang. It was her mom demanding she return home. Now I've been cockblocked, and my girlfriend's mom seems to be a god damn clairvoyant. Awesome. FML

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By Hank-T4 - Australia - Truganina

Today, while looking through my son's browser history, I found a Google search for "stop looking in my history u nosey cunt". I swore last week that I don't invade his privacy, so I can't even punish him for the bad language without looking like a lying bastard. FML

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By Sherlock - France

Today, my youngest son had to have stitches in his chin. He did great, I passed out. FML

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By betamaxjim - United Kingdom

Today, as I left class, I felt a tug on my rucksack from behind. Thinking it was just someone deliberately dragging me back, I struggled to let myself free and shouted, "Let go!" I looked over my shoulder just to find that one the straps was trapped in the doorhandle. Everyone was in hysterics. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I discovered that no matter how hot and exhausted you are, being blasted in the face with a high pressure hose is always more painful than refreshing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Reno

Today, at the age of 20, I still have a bed time. It is strictly enforced by my cat via endless meows if I am up past 11 pm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML

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By Larentiah - United States

Today, I realized how bad my feelings of inadequacy compared to other women and jealousy are when I started thumbing down songs on Pandora simply because the cover art had a better looking woman than me on it. FML

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By Forgetful godmother

Today, I learned that my son’s godmother forgot about the baptism date and booked a family holiday to Italy. Her mother is also on the trip and she is the officiant. I gave them both the date over 6 months ago. Everything is already booked on our side for that date. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Caen

Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML

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By steph - France

Today, my ex-girlfriend told me that she can't live without me, but she has another boyfriend. FML

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By Hotdamn - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

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By Just Me - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I came out to my mom as a lesbian. She told me that it was impossible, because since she isn't one, she therefore couldn't have given birth to one. She still won't believe me. FML

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By KAAALIS - United States

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

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By alltimelove

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

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By ihatebadkids - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was uninvited from every family event henceforth, because I finally had it and told my sister that I can’t stand to be around her horribly misbehaved kids. They have screaming meltdown tantrums, throw and break things, start fights and steal. How am I the bad guy? FML

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By creepster - Canada

Today, I was hit on by an older man. I rolled my eyes at him and informed him I was 16, hoping that would get him to leave me alone. He shrugged and said, "We're both human." FML

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By Sara - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I went to visit his grandparents. Everything went well, until his grandmother approached me and asked me if I wanted to try some of her old bras. I didn't want to be rude, so I went with her. Most awkward moment of my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with the prettiest, most simple ring I have ever seen. I called my sister to tell her the good news, and her response was, "I know. He had me steal the ring from Claire's." FML

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By Bozo - United States - Saukville

Today, I got a perm in an attempt to prove to my family that I'd been doing well with my life since I last saw them almost a year ago. I ended up going over for dinner looking like Bozo the Clown thanks to my idiot stylist, and my brothers wouldn't stop mocking me about it. FML

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By babyboomerang - United States

Today, I spent hours baking a multi-layered, detailed cake from scratch for my mom's birthday. It took two seconds for my dog to devour the cake while I picked up a spoon I dropped on the floor. FML

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By SkeetinKeaton - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of my newborn screaming. I frantically hopped out of bed and stumbled into the nursery where I was met by the priceless sight of my five-year-old daughter attempting to breastfeed her understandably frustrated little brother. FML

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By JulesBlues - Germany

Today, we had the hottest day ever recorded in Germany. Well, at least this means I won't need a hot water bottle to keep my feet from freezing, right? Wrong. FML

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By DirtyCharmed - United States

Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML

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By f*ck - Australia - Reynella

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

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By Tj Hunt - United States

Today, in the middle of a hot air balloon ride with my girlfriend, I asked her to marry me. She said no. The rest of the ride was the most awkward 2 hours of my life. FML

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By imaloser - Canada

Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We're highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I've been seeing someone else for 2 years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML

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By Nessa - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom got out a camcorder she's had a while. She said there were tapes of me when I was a child. The first tape I put in was a porno of her and her ex-boyfriend. FML

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By asdfghjkl - United States

Today, I saw Saw IV with my boyfriend. He held me close and said, "I'll protect you." A few seconds later, he jumped up so violently, he gave me a bloody nose, and ran screaming out of the room. FML

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By Cirese Summerrose

Sharing is caring

Today, I found out I have herpes. I'm 9 months pregnant and have only been with my husband. It just so happens that our roommate just got over herpes. I thought they were just spending time together, bonding. FML

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By neilmalik - United States - Murrieta

Today, at work, I had a crease in my pants. Everyone thought I had a boner. Later in the day, when I actually had one, no one could tell. FML

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By GetHardOrGoHome - United States - Chardon

Today, I visited my gynecologist. As she had her fingers inside me she decided that was the perfect time to say, "I absolutely love your socks!" FML

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By Karmas3itch - United States

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

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By tootles - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my parents house. I was sleeping in my truck bed because I had nowhere to go. I awoke to a "beep beep beep" noise. I was being towed while sleeping in the truck bed. FML

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Top comments

By rave_noises | 0

#1783002 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:23

He sounds fun. Invite him over for tea and crumpets.

By Judus_beej | 0

#1783078 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:44

you should have said depends on the size. the smaller the more costly and by the sounds of it you need to get a loan from
the bank.

COMMENTS

By blacklily0103 | 0

#1782964 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:17

moderated this :)

By kyrarox | 0

#1782966 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:17

smokeymcpottt | 3

#1783047 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:35

Ha ha uh ha ha ha, I have nothing better to say ha.

zeeindahouse | 0

#1783230 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:32

and how much u charge?

Zesty697 | 0

#1783266 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:39

well this situation BLOWS

zakkyzebra | 11

#1783309 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:50

I never knew douchebags could talk... Yay for talking inanimate objects!

savs11 | 13

#1783346 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:59

#26 is a win.

Cyosaric | 0

#1783476 - Thursday 2 December 2010 14:36

I love 28 because she has a cat. Wanna lick the slime off my belly?

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1783644 - Thursday 2 December 2010 15:19

so your neighbour likes to shop around, whats the big deal?

WishResign | 0

#1783812 - Thursday 2 December 2010 16:22

"Bitch you could be making some real motherfuckin money. I'll treat you real good..." I bet OP is the bottom bitch. She gets solicited without even trying lol

By mitri_fml | 3

#1782980 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:20

lolz so how much did you tell him?

zeeindahouse | 0

#1783241 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:34

1 year free trial with an upgrade I guess

pink_mess | 0

#1791953 - Saturday 4 December 2010 11:40

dang if i were you id get my self. a gun a big dog, security system ..... man him being your neighboor dont let him rape you

By ayeitsmerr | 0

#1782995 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:21

haha, nice>.<!
that sucks for you.

GodOfBeer | 5

#1783086 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:46

actually she sucked him

fishycanswim | 0

#1783699 - Thursday 2 December 2010 15:40

Pun intended?

GodOfBeer | 5

#1783832 - Thursday 2 December 2010 16:30

obviously :D

By madmadd | 0

#1783000 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:22

u guys can have sleepovers 2gether :P

kindlystfupls | 0

#1783024 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:26

and she could possibly make money at the same time!! lol

TheBananaTheif | 0

#1783584 - Thursday 2 December 2010 15:08

You could even make money off of your new friend... or is that immoral in any way?

bt3 | 0

#1784148 - Thursday 2 December 2010 18:46

hot

starile | 19

#1784362 - Thursday 2 December 2010 19:35

He might just be a visiting friend of a neighbor.

TheBananaTheif | 0

#1786878 - Friday 3 December 2010 7:04

Please tell me it isn't

By rave_noises | 0

#1783002 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:23

He sounds fun. Invite him over for tea and crumpets.

pandemic_fml | 0

#1783184 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:15

This.

By firemanrob | 0

#1783006 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:23

this could be the start of a good porn movie

RedPillSucks | 31

#1783531 - Thursday 2 December 2010 14:54

or a good murder mystery.

alfredrog | 0

#1783590 - Thursday 2 December 2010 15:10

Lololol win for cum in the face xD

By charlesnk7 | 0

#1783038 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:33

thats his way to tell u ur hot

By Judus_beej | 0

#1783078 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:44

you should have said depends on the size. the smaller the more costly and by the sounds of it you need to get a loan from
the bank.

kaity111 | 0

#1783120 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:51

win^

CitrusGirl | 0

#1783261 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:38

Trucks are always compensation, unless you actually have alot of stuff to carry around.
Whoa. Double entendre.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1783389 - Thursday 2 December 2010 14:17

I own a truck. Is it because I don't have a penis?(:

Molkerei | 0

#1783952 - Thursday 2 December 2010 17:04

yes, yes it is.

pokemaster2468 | 0

#1785533 - Friday 3 December 2010 1:49

ooooohhhhhhhhhhh that woulda been a frikin good dis

By ImBeingLiedTo | 0

#1783096 - Thursday 2 December 2010 12:47

awe grandpa so silly these days

Quest_ | 13

#1783225 - Thursday 2 December 2010 13:30

No, he was correct.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1783386 - Thursday 2 December 2010 14:14

Grandpa wants a BJ?

ZERO530 | 5

#1784139 - Thursday 2 December 2010 18:38

Wrong FML Dingus

starile | 19

#1784311 - Thursday 2 December 2010 19:24

Of course grandpa wants a BJ!