Love: Today, I was finally going to break down my social barrier by... - FML

By 12yearsoldapparently - United States - Charleston

Today, I was finally going to break down my social barrier by going out on a date with a nice guy I recently met on a dating site. Just at the start of the date, he asked me how old I was, and out of pure nervousness, I blurted out, "12!" I'm 24. FML

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Serious times

BO Central

Such a rewarding career

By zac545 - United States

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

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By JFC

Today, I was staying over at a friend's house for the weekend while the rest of my family goes to Cuba. Her neighbor started hitting on me. As it turns out, "he" was actually born as a "she", and now I'm apparently a transphobic bitch for not being interested. Two more days to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Chester

Today, I was outside talking to my new neighbor. I was gesturing while talking and didn't notice the little kid riding her bike coming our way. I ended up accidentally smacking her in the face and knocking her off her bike. Apparently she's my new neighbor's daughter. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By richkief76

Today, I finally found where the awful lingering stench in my house was coming from. My son thought it would be funny to piss in the baby's humidifier. He's 16. FML

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By toothbreaker

Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend when I accidentally kneed him in the chin and chipped his front tooth. I broke his real tooth, as well as the fake part from when he chipped it ten years ago. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML

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By suckerrrrr - United States

Today, I bought a top with some other things. I went to the restroom and had diarrhea, but there was no toilet paper in the stall. I had to use the receipt from the store. I then realized the clerk hadn't put the top in the bag. I needed that receipt to get the top. FML

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By moosemay - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, I heard a noise in my garage so I grabbed a baseball bat and went to look. The skunk I stirred was actually better armed than me. FML

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By Squeezebox - United States - Missoula

Today, my son ruined our fairly new 60 inch smart TV by giving it a bath with his squirt gun. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my mom booked me a flight to stay with relatives who I don't like, and who don't like me. I leave in two days, and don't return until the day before school starts. FML

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By Alexander D. - United States

That backfired

Today, I was fired for telling a customer's kid to shut his mouth. As revenge, I sent the CEO a picture I acquired months ago of my boss drunkenly pissing on a cow. He wrote that it was the funniest thing he had ever seen, and that I am "clearly an insufferable killjoy; a total liability to the company." FML

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By bw9669 - Canada

Today, I had to cancel all of the plans to go away on a romantic weekend with my boyfriend. My parents are going out of town for a night and I have to stay home a babysit my little sister. She's 19. FML

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By tango-c - United States - Parker

Today, I sent a cover letter in which I bragged about my exceptional attention to detail. After it was sent, I noticed the company name and address were from a different job application. FML

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By emergency - Canada

Today, I discovered that my mom and her disgusting mess of a boyfriend refer to his penis as "the monkey." And she says that I hate him because I'M immature. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I decided to prank my boyfriend by putting a pair of panties in his coat pocket. I stormed in and confronted him with the "evidence". I guess the prank worked; he broke down and confessed to cheating on me. FML

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By sexualpopcorn - United States - San Diego

Today, as I was saying bye to my girlfriend, I said "see ya later, alligator." She took offense because she thought I called her ugly. FML

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By Anonymous - Poland - Polska

Today, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said his life goal is to find a way to jizz on everyone in the world. I'm scared. FML

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By adsfkerfmpo - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I made a date to try to save our relationship. I sat in his room for hours while he watched YouTube videos of World of Warcraft. FML

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By Brenden - 25/1/2021 13:59

Sucker

Today, my ex-girlfriend called me say she needed her car repaired. I fixed it as fast as I could so she could get back on her way, only to find out she’s on her way to my friend's place to have her guts rearranged. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 05:01

Rookie mistake

Today, I drunkenly hooked up with my friend. Two weeks before Valentine's day. She expects me to buy her a present because we've known each other for a while, and apparently thinks it's more than a drunk hookup. FML

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By not_this_shit_again - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I had to show a new student around my school. Normally, that wouldn't be such a bad thing, but the student was my crazy, overly-attached ex. I transferred schools to get away from her in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous

Who's a good boy?

Today, my boyfriend's vicious dog, which he got as a security measure and growls and barks at me whenever I go near it, was caught on our security camera playing like a puppy with a burglar, while the other two burglars cleaned out all our valuables. FML

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By Merlin - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML

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By Loverscry - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I forgot my library book on a bench then I got on a bus, so I got off at the next stop and walked back to get it. I arrived just in time to see some guy pick it up and hop on another bus. So now I'm not on the bus I needed, and I have to pay for the book. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Acworth

Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair so that it resembles Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

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By asdfghjkl - United States

Today, I saw Saw IV with my boyfriend. He held me close and said, "I'll protect you." A few seconds later, he jumped up so violently, he gave me a bloody nose, and ran screaming out of the room. FML

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By meish - United States - Chicago

Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML

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By ewww - United States

Today, my husband stabbed me with his unusually long nasty toes nails in the leg while he slept. It took 3 stitches to fix it up, my husband and doctor laughed the entire time. He still refuses to cut them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my boss bitched me out on the sales floor for a good 10 minutes, because I wasn't "smiling the right way" for our customers. FML

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By coltsfoot - Norway

Today, while having sex with the guy I have seen for about 3 years, he answered the phone. I found out that he had a girlfriend while he was inside me. FML

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By phuckbukket7 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant for her birthday. I'd arranged beforehand for some of the staff to come out and sing happy birthday to her, but it all backfired when she started panicking and had a serious anxiety attack from all the attention. FML

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By leanne - 16/12/2020 17:58 - United States - Denver

Seasons greetings to you too

Today, I said hi to my coworker and she immediately yelled, "Get your gross unwashed hands out of my face!" I wash my hands compulsively and they were nowhere near her face. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish

Today, I confessed my love to my crush over text. Later, she posted the message I'd sent her on Facebook and wrote "look at the pathetic man". The post had over 50 laugh reacts. FML

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By Anonymous

Is this dude a puma?

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? Because I became a vegetarian. Apparently, he doesn't believe in "not eating meat." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a smurf. FML

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By jinxofsocal - United States

Today, was my boyfriend's birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

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By Shropintz - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to move out. Excited, thinking he wanted us to move out from his mom's house, I said, "Yeah! Just you and me?" to which he smirked and replied, "No, just you." FML

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By pizzalady

Today, while delivering pizza I was yet again given $0.04 over the total bill and told condescendingly to "keep the change". This happens on every shift. My pay is reduced during deliveries, and I drive my own car and use my own gas. For $0.04. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, l was crouched on the ground in the doorway at a haunted mansion. It's part of my job here to scare the people passing by. A 12 year old girl walked by, I grabbed her leg, and she kicked me in the face. FML

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Top comments

By Sillychees | 22

#6343236 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:14

well at least you didnt fart

By Zwerik | 31

#6343232 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:12

Well, you were close. :P

COMMENTS

By Zwerik | 31

#6343232 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:12

Well, you were close. :P

Reply

Jeffo193 | 13

#6343243 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:20

You could say she was half right!

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#6343609 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 19:35

That's when you say "12! *dramatic pause* ...times TWO! *wait for response*" "Sooo...24?" "Yep, just checking to see if you can do math."

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6343233 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:12

Well, I'm pretty sure you don't look twelve when you're twenty-four. Laugh it off! :)

Reply

PhinIt2WinIt | 24

#6346061 - Friday 10 July 2015 5:02

some short people might. like my aunt and she's shorter than me and is 24

By FunnnyGirrl | 19

#6343234 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:13

I'm sure he didn't think you were 12. Maybe he found your nervousness endearing.

By Sillychees | 22

#6343236 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:14

well at least you didnt fart

Reply

SubparAtBest | 23

#6343254 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:49

Another bonus. at least shes not 12.

By Abhinow | 7

#6343237 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:16

this is a no win case. if he agrees for date he is pedo!if he doesn't' then u blew it anyway

Reply

Sillychees | 22

#6343242 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:20

why make it weird

By Miss_Chevious | 37

#6343240 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:17

Most guys would find your nervousness appealing. Hopefully he did too

By Ben14h | 22

#6343245 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:24

You are 12... Multiplied by 2

Reply

bubba999 | 4

#6344416 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:07

thanks einstein

By Earths_Venus | 25

#6343247 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:25

You'll get better at dating with a bit of practice. Just be yourself.

By echarlotte | 19

#6343248 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:32

thats actually kind of cute how nervous you were

Reply

ghetto_child | 19

#6343345 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 15:16

I quite enjoy first dates where I can tell the girl is nervous. The things they say and reactions they have are cute and hilarious!

By hkhan24 | 23

#6343250 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:36

That's easy to recover from, laugh it off as a joke.