Today, I was finally going to break down my social barrier by... - FML

By 12yearsoldapparently - 6/7/2015 23:02 - United States - Charleston

Today, I was finally going to break down my social barrier by going out on a date with a nice guy I recently met on a dating site. Just at the start of the date, he asked me how old I was, and out of pure nervousness, I blurted out, "12!" I'm 24. FML

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Season finale

Family values

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By Anonymous - 28/2/2013 22:33 - United Kingdom - Newtownards

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs at college. I was taken to hospital with a fractured ankle and had to call my parents to drive me home. They constantly made passive-aggressive remarks on the way home, because I'd "totally ruined" their plans to eat out at a fancy restaurant tonight. FML

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By Ghostie - 2/7/2009 09:15 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents. They were both on the bed, and I was lying on the floor next to their bed. Halfway through the movie, apparently forgetting that I was in the room, my parents started getting friendly. Three feet away from me. FML

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By Ouch - 10/4/2011 08:55 - Canada

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I had my headphones in and was blasting my music. It was also cold so I had my hood up. I had my back turned to the house and wasn't paying attention. My brother thought I was a burglar and tackled me to the concrete. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 16:00

Today, I found our that my crazy ex, who, after our break up, said to me, "I'm setting my life to make yours hell" has befriended my current girlfriend. FML

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By NathanPlays - 23/4/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, a very attractive girl moved in across the road from me. As I was leaving, I noticed she was looking out her window at me. I tried playing it cool, only to end up tripping over my own feet, hands in pocket, and faceplanting the hood of my dad's car. FML

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By drummahboi99 - 4/12/2011 01:29 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while placing her order. I work as a Drive-Thru cashier at McDonalds. FML

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By Chubs - 29/3/2009 12:32 - Norway

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks: "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

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By Person15 - 26/11/2011 23:13 - United States

Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2013 07:53 - United States - Carbondale

Today, I was complimented by a stranger, who said I looked great in my outfit. I thanked her, and she immediately gave me a fist-bump. I stared curiously, and she explained: she was arguing with her friends about whether I'm a man or a woman. The pitch of my voice was the answer. FML

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By singleandthankful - 23/2/2013 23:18 - United Kingdom - Beaconsfield

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me out after I spelt "realised" with an S instead of a Z. It wouldn't have been so bad, if we weren't both British, if he hadn't called me an "illiterate idiot", and if he hadn't muttered "family of morons" when my mum backed me up. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2019 04:00

Today, my wife kicked me out of my own bed to go and sleep on the sofa because the dog was whining, and would only stop if she was allowed to sleep on my side of the bed. My wife would rather sleep with the dog than me. FML

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By amiadori - 1/5/2009 09:50 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. When confronted she told me, "I didn't get wet so it wasn't cheating." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 16:00

Not the one

Today, my ex, who I'm still love with, told me he's engaged. We weren't together for long because he didn't want a committed relationship. Guess it was just me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 15:54 - Australia - Perth

Today, I realised being the only female engineering student sucks. I have exactly one friend, because everyone else is too busy staring at my boobs to have a conversation. FML

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By squeezable - 19/6/2009 17:48 - United States

Today, a little girl standing next to me on the train suddenly hugged me. I thought maybe she was sad or I reminded her of someone, and hugged her back. Then she smiled, squeezed my lovehandles, and said "Honk, honk!" FML

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By redeye - 19/9/2011 05:03 - United States

Today, my younger brother decided it would be funny to put rubbing alcohol in my contact lens case while I had them soaking overnight. I didn't realize this until I put the first one in. FML

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By Misspoopypants - 25/7/2017 05:00

Today, I spent the first two hours of my shift cleaning up liquid poo after an elderly lady sat in one of our chairs and promptly let go of her bowels. I was so embarrassed for her that I even bought her a towel, underwear, and a pair of pants. She then thanked one of my coworkers for all the help. FML

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By Welp - 3/7/2016 12:39 - Romania

Today, I found out that my company used a nice photo of my coworkers and me for their corporate website, in efforts to make their office seem fun and relaxed. This wouldn't be so bad if they hadn't just fired every single person in the photo, myself included. FML

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By Miss<Younger>Beyoncé - 13/10/2014 08:13 - Namibia - Windhoek

Today, I was boxing up all my brother's old stuff to take to the attic. I came across a box, and without checking what was inside, I took it up, just to have it fall on my head, to then find out it was filled with dead baby hamsters. FML

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By kenneth - 31/8/2018 01:30

Today, I had to drive 40-odd miles to my grown-ass son's house to kill a large spider on the wall. It had him trapped in his bedroom because his wife had already gone to work. How did I ever raise such a wuss? FML

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By loneliness - 30/12/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I realized I want school to start again so that I won't be sitting alone in my room all day anymore. FML

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By fat - 7/1/2014 12:41 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I mentioned to my boyfriend that I want to start working out and get rid of my holiday weight. His response? "Okay, just don't join a gym. People will have to see you there." FML

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By NoComparison - 14/5/2009 00:59 - United States

Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right? After hearing the good news the only thing my parents talked about over dinner was who they wanted to win American Idol: Adam, Kris or Danny. FML

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By fmylifebad - 29/4/2009 10:12 - United States

Today, I was on the subway and saw this cute guy eyeing me. I crossed my legs, tossed back my hair, and raised my eyebrows slightly. As he came up to me, my heart started racing until he finally started flirting... with the girl next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 02:58 - United States

Today, I was in the Cafeteria at a table near the guy I like. He was playing around with a ball with a couple of his friends. They dropped it, and it rolled over next to my foot. When I bent down to pick it up, I smashed my head against a chair. FML

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By goodtiming - 20/5/2010 16:58 - Canada

Today, I finally got a job interview, and I thought it went amazing. They were supposed to call me today or tomorrow with the news. Today is also the day that my phone company decided to cut my phone off. FML

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By zerom - 23/7/2011 00:52 - France

Today, I was discussing the traffic with my brother. He said the most common car colour is red. I said it was black. We ended up betting €100 on which three vehicles of either colour would pass by our house first. It seems a convoy of fire trucks had somewhere to be in a hurry. FML

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By fmysexlife - 27/7/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

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By bloody hell - 4/6/2015 05:59 - Philippines - Para?aque

Today, my sister and I had a fight. In her rage, she threw piles of dirty laundry at me. One of her bloody panties hit me on the face. FML

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By marge1010 - 8/3/2009 14:39 - United States

Today, the man I have been dating for 3 weeks, who told me he owns a high end restaurant in the city, handed me my lunch order through the drive-thru at Wendy's. FML

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By illuminatzi - 3/10/2015 02:32 - United States - Temple

Today, I was running late for work. I forgot my name tag and work hat at home, but my boss is pretty laid back, so I wasn't worried about it. Five minutes into my shift, the district supervisor walked in for a surprise employee inspection. FML

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By nostamp - 10/7/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I rushed to the post office to mail an important document for the study abroad program that I'd applied for, which was due in a few days. Just as the envelope slipped out of my hand and into the mail box, I caught a glimpse of the upper right corner where there was supposed to be a stamp. FML

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By pinpin - 13/11/2008 11:39 - France

Today, I helped my son do his maths homework. He got a C and won’t talk to me anymore. FML

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By howler - 15/2/2011 06:44 - United States

Make it rain

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML

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By happypineapple - 17/7/2014 03:31 - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I went to a market. I saw stall which had mainly animal furs and things like that. I found a rounded, furry pen and stroked my cheek with it. Wondering what it was, being so soft and oddly shaped, I checked the tag. It was kangaroo testicles. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 07:02

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

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By z - 5/11/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I re-joined a popular on-line dating service. I first signed up 3 years ago and was matched with a wonderful woman. After about a year, she broke up with me. I was devastated. After two years of trying to win her back, I decided it's best just to move on. Guess who they matched me with? FML

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By Bucko321 - 30/3/2009 01:18 - Canada

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. We were feeling a little naughty, so we started talking dirty. I was really into describing a sweaty sex scene, when I heard my dad cough. He had picked up the phone to make a call and had heard it all. FML

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By Twitchy - 14/9/2011 23:20 - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

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By liz - 3/10/2010 04:00 - United States

Today, my husband and I moved to get closer to his job. Today he got transferred 150 miles away from where we moved to. FML

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Top comments

By Sillychees | 22

#6343236 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:14

well at least you didnt fart

By Zwerik | 31

#6343232 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:12

Well, you were close. :P

COMMENTS

By Zwerik | 31

#6343232 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:12

Well, you were close. :P

Reply

Jeffo193 | 13

#6343243 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:20

You could say she was half right!

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#6343609 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 19:35

That's when you say "12! *dramatic pause* ...times TWO! *wait for response*" "Sooo...24?" "Yep, just checking to see if you can do math."

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6343233 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:12

Well, I'm pretty sure you don't look twelve when you're twenty-four. Laugh it off! :)

Reply

PhinIt2WinIt | 24

#6346061 - Friday 10 July 2015 5:02

some short people might. like my aunt and she's shorter than me and is 24

By FunnnyGirrl | 19

#6343234 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:13

I'm sure he didn't think you were 12. Maybe he found your nervousness endearing.

By Sillychees | 22

#6343236 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:14

well at least you didnt fart

Reply

SubparAtBest | 23

#6343254 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:49

Another bonus. at least shes not 12.

By Abhinow | 7

#6343237 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:16

this is a no win case. if he agrees for date he is pedo!if he doesn't' then u blew it anyway

Reply

Sillychees | 22

#6343242 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:20

why make it weird

By Miss_Chevious | 37

#6343240 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:17

Most guys would find your nervousness appealing. Hopefully he did too

By Ben14h | 22

#6343245 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:24

You are 12... Multiplied by 2

Reply

bubba999 | 4

#6344416 - Wednesday 8 July 2015 15:07

thanks einstein

By Earths_Venus | 25

#6343247 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:25

You'll get better at dating with a bit of practice. Just be yourself.

By echarlotte | 19

#6343248 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:32

thats actually kind of cute how nervous you were

Reply

ghetto_child | 18

#6343345 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 15:16

I quite enjoy first dates where I can tell the girl is nervous. The things they say and reactions they have are cute and hilarious!

By hkhan24 | 23

#6343250 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 12:36

That's easy to recover from, laugh it off as a joke.