Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little...

By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 06:21 - United States

Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little girl and her mother walked past. Seeing the little girl staring at me, I waved. The girl then pointed to me and asked her mother "Mommy, is that man pregnant?" FML

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27765

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Kids

They're everywhere

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

Spooky

By lilben - 10/6/2011 08:09 - United States

Today, I was given a new nickname at work due to my boss always confusing me with one of my co-workers who is taller than me. Someone suggested he just call us the same name to make it simpler, and the tall one would be big and the short one little. Everyone at my job now calls me Little Dick. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2012 02:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

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28619

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By Niles - 20/3/2012 17:46 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was taking a shower, when my dad decided to turn off the water to the house, run upstairs, and throw a bucket of freezing cold sludge into the shower with me. He wouldn't turn the water back on for 2 hours. FML

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30239

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By MrCanoe - 1/3/2009 21:58 - Canada

Today, my mom had my girlfriend and me over. Out of the blue, she pulled out my grandmother's wedding ring and gave it to me saying I can now propose. My girlfriend started screaming and said yes. I have been seeing someone else for 3 months and was going to break up with my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

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129944

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2013 08:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I laugh at how you think this is a date." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 09:02 - United States - Cody

Those assholes are everywhere!

Today, I found out my wife's sister is an antivaxxer, and my wife is headed that way too. Our first baby is due next February. FML

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By Yazzy - 13/2/2009 09:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2014 06:06 - United States - Eugene

Today, my girlfriend and I were snuggling and we placed our hands together, palm to palm. I can bend the tips of my fingers over hers, which apparently surprised her because she commented, "Huh, so big hands AREN'T related to penis size." FML

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By iloveretail - 8/8/2016 19:14 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, a woman threatened to stab my eyes out because I wouldn't let her into the shop I closed and locked up half an hour ago. FML

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By Anonyme - 16/5/2014 07:55 - Canada - Saint-jean-de-matha

Today, I finally decided to get my five-year-old son a rabbit, so I explained to him how to take care of it. When I'd finished listing all the things he'd have to do, he replied, "That's too complicated... Couldn't we just eat it instead?" FML

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By Kerry - 19/6/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, all my friends had a huge party and 'forgot' to invite me. They only remembered about me at 2 am when they called asking for rides home because they were all too drunk to drive. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2013 19:21 - Germany - Neunkirchen

Today, I returned to Germany for a break from my studies abroad. I got lost while out for groceries, so I tried asking a guy for directions. I went totally blank and strained to think of the right words, prompting him to mutter about rude foreigners not bothering to learn the local language. FML

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By cclllc - 14/8/2012 09:06 - United States - Weatherford

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. He now argues that he should keep the dog. We only dated for three months, and I've had the dog since I was ten. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 00:40 - United Kingdom - Maybole

Today, a man asked about fishing in the river which flows beside where I work. I said you could, but anything you caught under 5 inches has to be thrown back. His wife then said, "Wish I knew that before I married him." I started to laugh. The man almost cried and complained to my boss. FML

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By mystupidname - 3/9/2019 14:00 - Denmark

Sixteen again

Today, my dad and his new fiancée are like two love-sick bunnies. They start having sex immediately whenever I leave the house. Even when I take out the trash. FML

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By cool trick buddy - 1/1/2017 08:59 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was tailgated on the highway. There was a car in the lane next to me, and my tailgater was WAY too close to risk slowing down, so I sped up in order to switch lanes, which bumped me over the speed limit. That's when my tailgater turned on the flashing lights. FML

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By cutiecuppiecakez - 29/2/2016 21:04 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend got so baked, he thought I was in the washing machine. I came downstairs to find him sitting in a puddle of soaking wet clothes, crying about where I was. FML

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By HoShiz - 25/10/2009 14:18 - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to go to an award ceremony. When I got there, I had to wait an hour for the hall to open, then sat listening to speeches for two hours, got my "award", and drove 3 hours home. The award was a small pin that I already had. FML

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By Paco4242 - 13/6/2009 01:47 - United States

Today, I found out that my 'girlfriend', who I've been emailing with, was really my friend playing a prank on me. He asked me for naked pictures of myself and I sent them to him. FML

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By screwed. - 3/2/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, I woke from last night after meeting the most amazing man, and after giving him a good morning kiss, roll out of bed to use his bathroom. After using his toothbrush, I go to replace it in his holder only to find not one, but several prescriptions for herpes in his unzipped toiletry bag. FML

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By lindsay - 28/10/2019 00:01

Unflattered

Today, I was at the airport walking around, killing time. There was a man about twenty years older than me who kept on eyeballing me, and it really wasn't flattering. I get on the plane and guess who I get to sit next to. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2011 03:41 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

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By girl_what - 2/9/2018 23:30

Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2019 14:00

Today, I went through my purse to see where my keys were. I found my house keys, but not my car keys, so I freaked out. When I remembered that I was driving, I felt stupid. FML

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592

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 20:24 - United States - Lufkin

Today, I was at a barbeque with my family, my boyfriend, and some mutual acquaintances. Someone jokingly called my boyfriend a pussy, to which he loudly replied, "I guess I am what I eat!" My mother was sitting across from us. FML

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By jimmyt420 - 29/11/2009 09:33 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went and saw "The Blind Side." I sobbed throughout the entire movie. My girlfriend didn't shed a tear. FML

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By juliestrawsky - 5/8/2019 04:00

Today, I was paid to be in a commercial, playing a hiker, camping and grilling by a tent with my pretend boyfriend. To make our on-camera interaction more believable, I suggested to him, "Hey, I'm gonna feed you some food, into your mouth." His answer, "Naaah, I'm good." I got rejected on a FAKE date. FML

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By t.hughes - 1/4/2013 14:50 - United States

Today, my fiancé dumped me because he claimed he needed to "focus on his career and his engagement." When I asked him how dumping me would help with his engagement, he immediately replied with, "No, I mean my other one." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2012 03:24 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, an extremely hot police officer reprimanded me. It was pretty awkward considering she stopped me because of public urination. FML

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By alltimelove - 18/11/2010 15:34

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 18:08 - United States - Parker

Today, I went to my first job interview in months. Just minutes in, a sudden huge, uncontrollable sneeze overcame me. A wad of snot flew out onto my shirt, which I didn't even notice until the visibly disgusted interviewer pointed it out. FML

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By allocomrade - 29/7/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 01:07 - United States

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

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By LD619 - 16/12/2010 05:51 - United States

Today, I gave my ex-girlfriend two concert tickets to show her I still care about her and want to win her back. She sold them. FML

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By Mouhahaa - 9/5/2012 03:48 - France

Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

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By pinoyson - 11/10/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, I was texting a girl that I've liked for some time. When I asked her what she was doing, she replied "texting and p.s. I love you". I replied by telling her my feelings for her. Turns out "p.s. I love you" was the name of the movie she was watching with her friends. FML

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By dentistvictim - 16/10/2009 07:27 - Norway

Today, I went to the school dentist for the yearly routine check. She took ages trying to clean out my teeth with the metal toothpick-thing, constantly hitting my gums. After half an hour of pain and spitting blood, she looks up and says, laughing: "Oh, I forgot to put my glasses on". FML

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By JellyBite - 1/9/2019 06:00 - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to take a nap. When I asked him why he wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day, he said, "To make time go by faster." He's leaving in 9 days. We're going to be 3,000 miles apart. For a long time. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2012 03:50 - United States

Today, I left my empty shower running so I could pretend I didn't still live alone. FML

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Top comments

By BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#3810813 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:20

You should've told her you were santa and that because she hurt your feelings, she's going on the naughty list next year.

By IBelongToJeebus | 0

#3810785 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:15

Bitch went there.

COMMENTS

By vannahbaby420 | 0

#3810767 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:09

Wow I'm sorry for u op......

dirtroadboy | 7

#3810793 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:17

Maybe its time to make a new years resolution... or karma will be a bitch and the kid will end up 250 pounds by age 16

GoW_Chick | 14

#3811052 - Saturday 31 December 2011 14:26

I'm hoping karma takes a stab at this one ... Though karma is brutal.

gojira666 | 7

#3811151 - Saturday 31 December 2011 15:08

Boom! Roasted!

eyeIoveyou | 4

#3811213 - Saturday 31 December 2011 15:42

she doesn't deserve karma, she's just a little girl who didn't know that was rude :3

BarDownDaily | 12

#3811790 - Saturday 31 December 2011 17:53

Well, are you?

ihasbrains | 10

#3811920 - Saturday 31 December 2011 18:23

That's how my sister learned that men don't get pregnant.

littlegold | 7

#3812669 - Saturday 31 December 2011 21:42

That really sucks someone did that to my mother... She decided to go up to the kid... Laugh and say "im just super fat!" lol. It was the funniest thing... You should have done that.

tatababe | 1

#3814260 - Sunday 1 January 2012 7:39

I think you just found a new years resolution!

By btnhdude | 0

#3810768 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:11

That had to hurt, stay strong dude.

nattynatters | 14

#3811272 - Saturday 31 December 2011 16:03

Ok. When women get mistaken as pregnant FML tells her to get her ass on a treadmill. When a man gets it it's "stay strong dude?" WTF.

kenny26f | 19

#3811985 - Saturday 31 December 2011 18:41

Because a woman isn't allowed to be overweight apparently. It's total BS.

afcrewchief | 4

#3812611 - Saturday 31 December 2011 21:29

OP is a guy. It shows the person's gender when you click to the comments.

iamabamf | 17

#3812618 - Saturday 31 December 2011 21:30

78-OP made it quite clear in the FML that he was a man, and like 79 said, it shows the gender. Nice try though.

ihasbrains | 10

#3812724 - Saturday 31 December 2011 22:04

73 - I don't think anybody should be overweight, unless they have a medical condition or a legitimate excuse to be overweight. Laziness does not count.

ChadAvreySchilli | 0

#3812846 - Saturday 31 December 2011 22:42

To 83, I agree, although I'm aiming to be slightly over weight, but my dangerously or unnatractivley over

By ICATiger | 13

#3810779 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:13

Well shes only a child......

darien987 | 1

#3812936 - Saturday 31 December 2011 23:18

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt...

Random_Person88 | 8

#3818257 - Monday 2 January 2012 6:08

Kids can be cruel. Sorry OP

lalalambaabaa | 3

#3945858 - Thursday 26 January 2012 16:14

A four year old asked me that one day. I'm not even overweight.

emily232 | 0

#4661460 - Saturday 7 July 2012 21:34

What?

By IBelongToJeebus | 0

#3810785 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:15

Bitch went there.

graham11 | 14

#3811294 - Saturday 31 December 2011 16:12

4- oh snap! No she di'nt!!

rscott11 | 0

#3827243 - Wednesday 4 January 2012 2:57

Haha

By secrono | 0

#3810800 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:18

loose some pounds bitch!

IBelongToJeebus | 0

#3810815 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:20

*Lose. GODDAMNIT!

fancyclown | 9

#3810822 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:21

Way to put it nicely.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3810825 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:21

You have a "loose" O key I see.

By beccac_boresfoff | 9

#3810807 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:19

It happens.. :)

Kirlyfoo | 9

#3813244 - Sunday 1 January 2012 1:40

I love the hitler version of your picture.

By SecretMe00 | 5

#3810810 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:19

Kids say the darnedest things

cupcake1072102 | 0

#3811830 - Saturday 31 December 2011 18:01

Lol that's just the way kids are!

By BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#3810813 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:20

You should've told her you were santa and that because she hurt your feelings, she's going on the naughty list next year.

friedchickenpie | 14

#3813237 - Sunday 1 January 2012 1:39

I would thumb up your comment, but then it wouldn't be 69 anymore... So, thumbs up!

Kirlyfoo | 9

#3813253 - Sunday 1 January 2012 1:42

There i thumbed it down

Funnywayz | 0

#3814942 - Sunday 1 January 2012 11:18

Well, does he have a white beard?

catsclaw97 | 0

#3901108 - Wednesday 18 January 2012 1:38

That would have been awesome!

By notsorandomguy | 18

#3810830 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:23

"Ma'am, is that child trisomic?"

DustyStorm | 16

#3811044 - Saturday 31 December 2011 14:21

Having one chromosome in addition to the usual diploid amount.... Chances of anyone knowing this and finding it humorous?

xStaciexLynnx | 15

#3811102 - Saturday 31 December 2011 14:46

Not likely to be found funny since trisomy is most common on the 21st pair, giving a child trisomy 21, which is down syndrome. Which is not funny at all.