Kids: Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little girl and her mother walked past. Seeing the little girl staring at me, I waved. The girl then pointed to me and asked her mother "Mommy, is that man pregnant?" FML

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Kids

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Commando

Heaven knows I'm miserable now…

By Emily - Australia

Today, I got home to three boys riding bikes out in front of my house, smiling at me. I instantly thought they were checking me out, so I smiled sweetly at them. Turns out they were flaunting the fact that they just stole all 3 of our bikes. FML

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By damnit. - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was training a new girl at work. We're always told to find "common interests" with the people we are training to make it less awkward for them. Little did I know that our "common interest" would turn out to be my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She picked up a hundred dollars on the floor that somebody dropped. I told her, "I feel sorry for the retard who dropped the money." When I got home, I checked my purse and realized that I was missing a hundred dollars. FML

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By mydadsgonnakillme - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my overprotective father. My boyfriend started out with, "Sir, it is an honor to be your daughter's sexual partner." FML

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By Megan - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I was doing my laundry and I saw a dollar bill at the bottom of the washer. I excitedly dove in to retrieve the money, and promptly hit and broke my nose on the washer. FML

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By SomeExplainingToDo

Today, I sent a polite yet strongly-worded email to one of my corporate clients in which I expressed my irritation at being asked the same question by the same team for the 4th day in a row. I ended it with "Regards!" but accidentally swapped the 'g' with a 't'. FML

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By missunlucky - Czech Republic

Today, I was at a club with my friends and my friend got really drunk. Later on he came up to me and said he really needed to pee but he was too drunk to work the zipper, and asked if I could help. When I finally unzipped him, he was so desperate to go he pissed in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, the heating in my house broke down. I called my boyfriend and asked if I could stay at his place until I could get it fixed. He said no, and told me my overgrown leg hair would keep me warm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded by asking for a blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 11:02 - United States

Pleased to meet you

Today, I was eating at a restaurant when a man came up to me and said, "You're pathetic for having lunch with someone that much older than you." My dad immediately got up and punched the man in the face. My fiancé's parents had to walk in the door right as it happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine's Day. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 15:02 - United States - Boise

Suspicious

Today, I pulled over because my cell phone was ringing, as it's now illegal to use in a car. I finished the call when a motorcycle cop on side of road pulls up behind me and comes over. The reason? "You pulled off the road and it was suspicious, then I ran your plate…" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to make love with my boyfriend for the first time. I wanted everything to be perfect. The CD kept skipping, the rose petals had ants all over them, and he couldn't get it up. FML

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By hoping to live to see next year

Thanks but no thanks.

Today, my son surprised me by waking me up to be first to greet me a happy birthday. He was with his marching band buddies in full battle gear, playing the chorus of Stars and Stripes Forever. In my bedroom. At 5am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sterling

Today, my 12 and 14 year olds told me they'll be doing whatever they like from now on and there will be no rules or bedtime, otherwise they'll tell their teachers that my husband and I abuse them. Where did I go wrong? FML

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By cane - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after shoveling one guy's steps, sidewalk, and driveway for two hours straight, I went to ask for my money. He said, "Work is its own reward!" and shut the door in my face. FML

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By backtosquareone - Asia/Pacific Region

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. Devastated, he withered onto the floor into an inconsolable wreck in front of dozens of people. The ribbon of embarrassment that went down my spine was too much for me to handle, so I had to tell him I was "only joking." FML

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By Stuck - United States

Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML

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By vishurricanes - United States

Today, I was on the bus when my crush told me to come and sit with him. I got all excited, especially when he put his arm around me. He then whispered in my ear "Hey, is your friend over there single?" FML

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By fuck - Canada - Airdrie

Late reaction

Today, I was masturbating in my bedroom, when suddenly, my mom opened the door and walked in with guests. I didn't react quick enough. FML

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By themarrowguy - United States

Today, after recently discovering that I need a bone marrow transplant, my girlfriend got tested to see if she could be a donor. When the results came back with a negative match, she blurted out, "Oh thank god." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to a really cute guy. He leaned closer and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he leaned back, laughed and said, "Wow. You're growing a mustache." FML

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By Angie - France

Today, desperate after a very painful breakup, I poured my heart and soul out to my old teddy bear. When I finished, I asked what he would do in my situation. Right on cue, a gust of wind came through the window and sent him falling off the windowsill and crashing head-first onto the floor. FML

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By **(: - United States

Today, I learned that if you stare down an attractive man while pumping gas, he'll stare back. Then he might ask for your number. At which point his girlfriend will get out of the car and threaten to kick your ass. FML

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By independence - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me because he wanted some independence. He moved back into his parents house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML

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By rj - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after 24 hours of severe tooth pain. They did an emergency root canal. After the anesthesia wore off, within minutes, the pain returned only worse than before. Called the dentist, I had to return, only to find they had done the root canal on the wrong tooth. FML

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By tyrettes

Today, I started a new yard maintenance job. Before the day had even ended, I got fired, because I apparently didn’t have enough experience, and I moved too slowly. It was supposed to be my training day. FML

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By Walking in a Winter Wonderland - United States - Jupiter

Today, my dandruff got so bad that when I sneezed on the bus, it created a "blizzard" of dandruff, covering me, and two others in it. I'm now known as "Winter Wonderland". FML

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By Seule - Switzerland - Pully

Today, on a movie date with my boyfriend, it took me a while to understand why he was leaning on his elbow during the entire thing. He had an earpiece cupped in his hand and was listening to a soccer match. FML

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By drew the short straw

Today, I had to follow a pony that had flatulent, severe diarrhoea for an hour in order to collect enough liquid for a sample. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my fiancé, when he jumped up and viciously sat on my face. I then heard, smelled, and tasted the most violent, horrific fart known to man. I still can't get the taste out of my mouth, and he can't stop laughing. I'm getting married to this guy. FML

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By Yellowsmellow - Canada - Windsor

Today, and for the past two weeks, the people living directly above me have decided to add rearranging their furniture to their daily routines. Not only that but apparently, 6 a.m. is the most optimal time for them. FML

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By Badhairday - Canada - Whitby

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

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By trashcanned - United States

Today, it was really windy and rainy causing me to trip and knock into a little kid. While still gathering myself, I apologized and patted the kid on its' head. Then I see people around me starting to laugh. I turn and look at the kid, and discover I've been interacting with a trash can. FML

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By Why

Today, I finally went to have blood taken for an allergy test I really need. Afterwards, I had an allergic reaction to the bandaid they used on my arm. FML

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By Vampprobs - United States - Skandia

Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML

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By more than I wanted to know - Italy - San Giustino

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife slapped me for touching her boobs during sex. FML

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Top comments

By BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#3810813 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:20

You should've told her you were santa and that because she hurt your feelings, she's going on the naughty list next year.

By IBelongToJeebus | 0

#3810785 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:15

Bitch went there.

COMMENTS

By vannahbaby420 | 0

#3810767 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:09

Wow I'm sorry for u op......

dirtroadboy | 7

#3810793 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:17

Maybe its time to make a new years resolution... or karma will be a bitch and the kid will end up 250 pounds by age 16

GoW_Chick | 14

#3811052 - Saturday 31 December 2011 14:26

I'm hoping karma takes a stab at this one ... Though karma is brutal.

gojira666 | 7

#3811151 - Saturday 31 December 2011 15:08

Boom! Roasted!

eyeIoveyou | 4

#3811213 - Saturday 31 December 2011 15:42

she doesn't deserve karma, she's just a little girl who didn't know that was rude :3

BarDownDaily | 12

#3811790 - Saturday 31 December 2011 17:53

Well, are you?

ihasbrains | 10

#3811920 - Saturday 31 December 2011 18:23

That's how my sister learned that men don't get pregnant.

littlegold | 7

#3812669 - Saturday 31 December 2011 21:42

That really sucks someone did that to my mother... She decided to go up to the kid... Laugh and say "im just super fat!" lol. It was the funniest thing... You should have done that.

tatababe | 1

#3814260 - Sunday 1 January 2012 7:39

I think you just found a new years resolution!

By btnhdude | 0

#3810768 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:11

That had to hurt, stay strong dude.

nattynatters | 14

#3811272 - Saturday 31 December 2011 16:03

Ok. When women get mistaken as pregnant FML tells her to get her ass on a treadmill. When a man gets it it's "stay strong dude?" WTF.

kenny26f | 19

#3811985 - Saturday 31 December 2011 18:41

Because a woman isn't allowed to be overweight apparently. It's total BS.

afcrewchief | 4

#3812611 - Saturday 31 December 2011 21:29

OP is a guy. It shows the person's gender when you click to the comments.

iamabamf | 17

#3812618 - Saturday 31 December 2011 21:30

78-OP made it quite clear in the FML that he was a man, and like 79 said, it shows the gender. Nice try though.

ihasbrains | 10

#3812724 - Saturday 31 December 2011 22:04

73 - I don't think anybody should be overweight, unless they have a medical condition or a legitimate excuse to be overweight. Laziness does not count.

ChadAvreySchilli | 0

#3812846 - Saturday 31 December 2011 22:42

To 83, I agree, although I'm aiming to be slightly over weight, but my dangerously or unnatractivley over

By ICATiger | 13

#3810779 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:13

Well shes only a child......

darien987 | 1

#3812936 - Saturday 31 December 2011 23:18

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt...

Random_Person88 | 8

#3818257 - Monday 2 January 2012 6:08

Kids can be cruel. Sorry OP

lalalambaabaa | 3

#3945858 - Thursday 26 January 2012 16:14

A four year old asked me that one day. I'm not even overweight.

emily232 | 0

#4661460 - Saturday 7 July 2012 21:34

What?

By IBelongToJeebus | 0

#3810785 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:15

Bitch went there.

graham11 | 14

#3811294 - Saturday 31 December 2011 16:12

4- oh snap! No she di'nt!!

rscott11 | 0

#3827243 - Wednesday 4 January 2012 2:57

Haha

By secrono | 0

#3810800 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:18

loose some pounds bitch!

IBelongToJeebus | 0

#3810815 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:20

*Lose. GODDAMNIT!

fancyclown | 9

#3810822 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:21

Way to put it nicely.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3810825 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:21

You have a "loose" O key I see.

By beccac_boresfoff | 9

#3810807 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:19

It happens.. :)

Kirlyfoo | 9

#3813244 - Sunday 1 January 2012 1:40

I love the hitler version of your picture.

By SecretMe00 | 5

#3810810 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:19

Kids say the darnedest things

cupcake1072102 | 0

#3811830 - Saturday 31 December 2011 18:01

Lol that's just the way kids are!

By BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#3810813 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:20

You should've told her you were santa and that because she hurt your feelings, she's going on the naughty list next year.

friedchickenpie | 14

#3813237 - Sunday 1 January 2012 1:39

I would thumb up your comment, but then it wouldn't be 69 anymore... So, thumbs up!

Kirlyfoo | 9

#3813253 - Sunday 1 January 2012 1:42

There i thumbed it down

Funnywayz | 0

#3814942 - Sunday 1 January 2012 11:18

Well, does he have a white beard?

catsclaw97 | 0

#3901108 - Wednesday 18 January 2012 1:38

That would have been awesome!

By notsorandomguy | 18

#3810830 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:23

"Ma'am, is that child trisomic?"

DustyStorm | 16

#3811044 - Saturday 31 December 2011 14:21

Having one chromosome in addition to the usual diploid amount.... Chances of anyone knowing this and finding it humorous?

xStaciexLynnx | 15

#3811102 - Saturday 31 December 2011 14:46

Not likely to be found funny since trisomy is most common on the 21st pair, giving a child trisomy 21, which is down syndrome. Which is not funny at all.