Kids: Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little girl and her mother walked past. Seeing the little girl staring at me, I waved. The girl then pointed to me and asked her mother "Mommy, is that man pregnant?" FML

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Kids

There's no helping some people

Season finale

Minefield

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad told me he had a present for me. It was his tooth, which he had pulled out a few minutes before. FML

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By noneoftheabove - United Kingdom

Today, I went to buy some Ibuprofen and got asked for ID. You have to be over 16 to buy it. I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a violent sneezing attack while changing my phone's password and now I have no idea what it could be. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a BBQ. The night was going well until I had to wrestle car keys away from my intoxicated mother in front of all my friends. FML

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By GeeLoftus - United States - Secaucus

Today, I've been calling my pet snake "Mr. Snake" for two years now. I decided to look up the name, and boy do I regret it. It turns out Mr. Snake is a porn site. I've named my snake after porn and have been introducing him to family with that name for two years. FML

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By sexisntfun - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, I learned that the house I've been living in and paying rent for the past two months was never advertised as vacant. I learned this when the actual homeowners walked in, and called the police for an "intruder." FML

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By unlovedfatty - United States

Today, I reactivated my Facebook account, having not used it for three months. My "friends" didn't realize this. According to their recent status updates, I'm disgustingly fat, have a hook nose, and I'm secretly hated. FML

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By skrewedguy - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me. Knowing that I am a germaphobe, she took all of my cleaning supplies and spread mud and trash everywhere. FML

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By depressed - United States

Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

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By goldie09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in bed, when suddenly, he turned to me and started playing with my breasts as if they were turn tables and he was the DJ. FML

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By kanmcdan

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a Snowshoeing date. I felt sick and suggested we turn back. He said I could wait in the car and continued on the date alone. He was gone for hours, while I was stuck alone in a national park with no cell reception, food, or water. FML

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By notthatkinkyanyway - China

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend. Going through Chinese customs, an officer pulled us aside, removed a suspicious metal object from my boyfriend's luggage and called six other officers to have a look. It was a kinky pair of handcuffs. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was so out of it from a lack of sleep and an accidental antihistamine overdose, I tried to offer my cat a cup of tea, and actually got pissed off when he didn't reply. It took me a good five minutes to understand what just happened. FML

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By Stormbringer

Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while I was asleep. I also just recently painted my entire house yellow. Yellow doesn't cover up black penis very well. FML

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By Odds in my favour

Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML

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By - United States

Today, I learned that not only is my husband having an affair with my own mother, but my whole family knew. They were keeping it a secret from me for 3 months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my younger sister said that she was going to pray for her brother's HIV. I have Primary Immune Disease (PID) not HIV. School will be very interesting tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Sexless in Seattle

Today, it's become clear I might have married the only man on the planet who doesn't care about sex. FML

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1858

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By Anonymous - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

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By sillvy - United States

Today, I was on a date. I noticed he kept looking at my lips. Thinking he wanted to kiss me, I leaned in closer. Disgusted, he pulled away and said, "I'm sorry, but that pimple on your chin is, like, staring at me or something." FML

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By mohit

Today, I found out that my neighbor's son is supposed to be giving me gas money for driving him to school each morning. He's using it to buy drugs instead. FML

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By Jaymz

Today, I went to my son's final band performance. I also have a busy toddler, so I ended up watching most of the performance in the hallway on a tv monitor. In the middle of the awards ceremony, my toddler pulled the fire alarm. Everyone had to evacuate the building. FML

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By cnd1213 - United States

Today, I had to do my assistant manager's job because she doesn't know what the hell she is doing. I'd interviewed for this position but didn't get it because I'm "still too new for this position." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind to go on a date with me. I then introduced him to my new, visually impaired boyfriend. He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so excited to play the video game I just bought, I decided to read the manual in the game. I went over the seizure warning and thought to myself, who the hell gets a seizure from playing a video game? Apparently I do. FML

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By ak - United States

Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and says "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone peed in my physical education locker. The only way someone could've done it is with a ladder. I'm so popular it hurts. FML

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By English_Nut117 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my boyfriend came onto me in a romantic gesture. We ended up having sex, forgetting that the window repair guy was supposed to come today and do some work on our third floor apartment windows. I still don't know how much he saw. FML

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By Alisha Marie - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML

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By La Guigne - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

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By Brony - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that everyone in my dorm knows I watch My Little Pony. FML

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By pancaketits - United States - Havertown

Today, a classmate accused me of having butt implants because "women can't have a huge ass and pancake tits". FML

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By Leashaness - United States

Today, my doctor informed me that the pea-sized bump under my arm is a "third breast". That is not what I meant every time I said I wanted more tits. FML

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By ClothMom - United States

Today, I was visited by Child Protective Services. Seems someone on my street reported me for neglect because I cloth diaper my children. I moved in less than 6 months ago, so I guess this is how they say, "welcome to the neighborhood" about these parts. FML

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By ex-employee - United States

Today, my boss came up to my desk to talk about a new project. He came up to my monitor so we can go to a website. My browser had frozen and I couldn't close it. The tabs I had open: Facebook, Gmail, Careerbuilder, Monster, and Resume Samples. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Silver linings

Today, I went shopping for a new pair of jeans. I was feeling good about the fact that I was going down a waist size until the cashier decided to discuss with me, three co-workers, and the ten other people in line how she didn't even know jeans came in sizes that big. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my husband keeps in contact with the woman he was infatuated with in high school. He texts her more than he texts me. FML

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By andrew

Today, I broke a world record on third-wheeling with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were driving back from the beach, I took a nap and woke up to my friend receiving head in the front seat. They knew I was awake, but they continued and finished. FML

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By starstruck - France

Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

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Top comments

By BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#3810813 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:20

You should've told her you were santa and that because she hurt your feelings, she's going on the naughty list next year.

By IBelongToJeebus | 0

#3810785 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:15

Bitch went there.

COMMENTS

By vannahbaby420 | 0

#3810767 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:09

Wow I'm sorry for u op......

dirtroadboy | 7

#3810793 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:17

Maybe its time to make a new years resolution... or karma will be a bitch and the kid will end up 250 pounds by age 16

GoW_Chick | 14

#3811052 - Saturday 31 December 2011 14:26

I'm hoping karma takes a stab at this one ... Though karma is brutal.

gojira666 | 7

#3811151 - Saturday 31 December 2011 15:08

Boom! Roasted!

eyeIoveyou | 4

#3811213 - Saturday 31 December 2011 15:42

she doesn't deserve karma, she's just a little girl who didn't know that was rude :3

BarDownDaily | 12

#3811790 - Saturday 31 December 2011 17:53

Well, are you?

ihasbrains | 10

#3811920 - Saturday 31 December 2011 18:23

That's how my sister learned that men don't get pregnant.

littlegold | 7

#3812669 - Saturday 31 December 2011 21:42

That really sucks someone did that to my mother... She decided to go up to the kid... Laugh and say "im just super fat!" lol. It was the funniest thing... You should have done that.

tatababe | 1

#3814260 - Sunday 1 January 2012 7:39

I think you just found a new years resolution!

By btnhdude | 0

#3810768 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:11

That had to hurt, stay strong dude.

nattynatters | 14

#3811272 - Saturday 31 December 2011 16:03

Ok. When women get mistaken as pregnant FML tells her to get her ass on a treadmill. When a man gets it it's "stay strong dude?" WTF.

kenny26f | 19

#3811985 - Saturday 31 December 2011 18:41

Because a woman isn't allowed to be overweight apparently. It's total BS.

afcrewchief | 4

#3812611 - Saturday 31 December 2011 21:29

OP is a guy. It shows the person's gender when you click to the comments.

iamabamf | 17

#3812618 - Saturday 31 December 2011 21:30

78-OP made it quite clear in the FML that he was a man, and like 79 said, it shows the gender. Nice try though.

ihasbrains | 10

#3812724 - Saturday 31 December 2011 22:04

73 - I don't think anybody should be overweight, unless they have a medical condition or a legitimate excuse to be overweight. Laziness does not count.

ChadAvreySchilli | 0

#3812846 - Saturday 31 December 2011 22:42

To 83, I agree, although I'm aiming to be slightly over weight, but my dangerously or unnatractivley over

By ICATiger | 13

#3810779 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:13

Well shes only a child......

darien987 | 1

#3812936 - Saturday 31 December 2011 23:18

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt...

Random_Person88 | 8

#3818257 - Monday 2 January 2012 6:08

Kids can be cruel. Sorry OP

lalalambaabaa | 3

#3945858 - Thursday 26 January 2012 16:14

A four year old asked me that one day. I'm not even overweight.

emily232 | 0

#4661460 - Saturday 7 July 2012 21:34

What?

By IBelongToJeebus | 0

#3810785 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:15

Bitch went there.

graham11 | 14

#3811294 - Saturday 31 December 2011 16:12

4- oh snap! No she di'nt!!

rscott11 | 0

#3827243 - Wednesday 4 January 2012 2:57

Haha

By secrono | 0

#3810800 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:18

loose some pounds bitch!

IBelongToJeebus | 0

#3810815 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:20

*Lose. GODDAMNIT!

fancyclown | 9

#3810822 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:21

Way to put it nicely.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3810825 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:21

You have a "loose" O key I see.

By beccac_boresfoff | 9

#3810807 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:19

It happens.. :)

Kirlyfoo | 9

#3813244 - Sunday 1 January 2012 1:40

I love the hitler version of your picture.

By SecretMe00 | 5

#3810810 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:19

Kids say the darnedest things

cupcake1072102 | 0

#3811830 - Saturday 31 December 2011 18:01

Lol that's just the way kids are!

By BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#3810813 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:20

You should've told her you were santa and that because she hurt your feelings, she's going on the naughty list next year.

friedchickenpie | 14

#3813237 - Sunday 1 January 2012 1:39

I would thumb up your comment, but then it wouldn't be 69 anymore... So, thumbs up!

Kirlyfoo | 9

#3813253 - Sunday 1 January 2012 1:42

There i thumbed it down

Funnywayz | 0

#3814942 - Sunday 1 January 2012 11:18

Well, does he have a white beard?

catsclaw97 | 0

#3901108 - Wednesday 18 January 2012 1:38

That would have been awesome!

By notsorandomguy | 18

#3810830 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:23

"Ma'am, is that child trisomic?"

DustyStorm | 16

#3811044 - Saturday 31 December 2011 14:21

Having one chromosome in addition to the usual diploid amount.... Chances of anyone knowing this and finding it humorous?

xStaciexLynnx | 15

#3811102 - Saturday 31 December 2011 14:46

Not likely to be found funny since trisomy is most common on the 21st pair, giving a child trisomy 21, which is down syndrome. Which is not funny at all.