Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little...

By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 06:21 - United States

Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little girl and her mother walked past. Seeing the little girl staring at me, I waved. The girl then pointed to me and asked her mother "Mommy, is that man pregnant?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

27751

You deserved it

7273

Favorite

Kids

Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Creepy

By losingstreak - 31/1/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she finished what she was saying, she paused and said "you know I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses". FML

I agree, your life sucks

10131

You deserved it

37622

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/11/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, I introduced my Chinese-born girlfriend to the rest of the family. My uncle immediately blurted out, "He's dating a communist." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38538

You deserved it

4741

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/4/2009 02:44 - Canada

Today, as I was ringing in a customer I noticed that the Febreeze spray can was wet. Noticing this I sniffed my hands because they had gotten wet and said to the customer, "Oh the can is leaking want to go get another one?" He then said, "No it's OK, I just sweat a lot." I sniffed some customer's sweat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51260

You deserved it

5761

Favorite

By misc - 10/2/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

550863

You deserved it

46701

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/5/2016 14:05

Today, I tried to change my usually stoic behaviour and be friendly to a coworker. Now she is convinced that I finally went insane and intend to murder her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10677

You deserved it

1077

Favorite

By grreeatttt - 31/1/2009 01:57 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I called him around two minutes after that, and he had already fallen asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9333

You deserved it

34952

Favorite

By wetqueefa - 3/2/2013 09:58 - United States - Union City

Today, I walked in on my mom drenched in tears, barely able to speak. I ran to get her some tissues and a nice cup of tea to calm her down. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, I asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened. She watched an episode of Gossip Girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32727

You deserved it

3156

Favorite

By Lady_Luck - 25/3/2009 19:31 - United States

Today, my friend and I were filming football practice and talking about what guys on the team were attractive and who we would want to get it on with. We didn't realize that the camera was recording everything that we said. The tape was played to the entire team the next day. With sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26778

You deserved it

126651

Favorite

By FilthyIke - 21/8/2009 20:17 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the rash I've been getting in my underarms, behind my knees and sometimes on my face. Turns out I'm allergic to sweat. I'm a varsity rugby coach, gym teacher, and I just shelled out a stack of cash to get a sauna and steam room installed in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47432

You deserved it

4334

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 00:12 - United States

Today, wanting to be romantic, I came home with flowers, and told my girlfriend I love her and that I never want us to fall apart. Before I could finish my second sentence, she farted, said, "Aww, that's so sweet" and quickly excused herself to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26008

You deserved it

2884

Favorite

By Jen - 20/3/2012 05:11 - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, my new boyfriend asked why it takes me so long to reach orgasm. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he's never even given me one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34723

You deserved it

7205

Favorite

By metalmusic - 5/7/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the beach. His parents relentlessly tried to hook him with other girls, all the while knowing that we're dating. Their reasoning is that I'm not a 'real girlfriend.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

39786

You deserved it

4382

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/10/2018 06:00 - United States

Today, my wife went into the bathroom at Walmart. Being almost sure there was no one else in there, I stood around the corner to scare her. As the door opened, I jumped around the corner and scared an innocent woman to so badly she peed herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1199

You deserved it

3332

Favorite

By michael - 14/2/2012 02:55 - United States

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7174

You deserved it

41784

Favorite

By Dude_Stop - 27/3/2017 18:00

Today, I was hanging out with my friends when I tripped and a chair rolled over my foot, breaking a bone. A friend, who didn't believe me, then dogpiled on top of me and laughed as I screamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4118

You deserved it

271

Favorite

By ECullen - 21/5/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I was talking to this guy that I like a lot and I think he likes me back. When he told me I was beautiful I laughed so hard that I farted. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56592

You deserved it

24867

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 12:00 - Australia

Family Ties

Today, I found out via Facebook that my older sister just had another baby, a whole week ago, whose name is my middle name. No one told me. I didn't even know she was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1549

You deserved it

350

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/5/2009 16:18 - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56991

You deserved it

5212

Favorite

By Piggirl - 13/7/2018 19:00

Today, one day after our 12-year wedding anniversary, which my husband failed to acknowledge, I found a receipt in his pocket for chlamydia testing. We haven't had sex in two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4103

You deserved it

951

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 06:58 - Canada

Today, my husband rescued our daughter's cat from a tree. She spent the next hour clapping and telling me how much of a hero he was. Last night at 2am I was awoken by meowing and had to rescue the same cat from the same tree, in the dark, and halfway down he shit on me. No one called me a hero. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53785

You deserved it

5911

Favorite

By morphea - 29/4/2015 22:54 - France - Chantepie

Today, coming home, I discovered that my dog had left me a beautiful mound of poop in the middle of the corridor. He'd made an effort, though: there was a roll of shredded toilet paper next to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28649

You deserved it

2651

Favorite

By Anonymous - 4/12/2011 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was disgusted because I dropped a Skittle on the floor and ate it. He thought peeing on me in the shower was just fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40033

You deserved it

6299

Favorite

By Noname - 28/1/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I marked the 6th anniversary of the last time I had intercourse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40068

You deserved it

5632

Favorite

By Dino - 12/10/2012 06:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my new roommate showed me to my room, which I got a good deal on. I noticed a big black spot on the floor in the walk-in closet. When I asked, he said his last roommate committed suicide and he didn't want to pay to have the carpets professionally cleaned, hence the "good deal." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32525

You deserved it

2337

Favorite

By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 21:46 - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents remembered that I loved German chocolate cake, so I awoke to a hot, fudge-filled chocolate cake with a slice cut out just for me. I've been lactose-intolerant for 8 years. As I cried, my mom handed me tissues, while eating the "Happy" part of my cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30039

You deserved it

5614

Favorite

By HelloItsMee123 - 24/12/2016 05:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I had routine surgery and should have been discharged on the same day. Now due to an avoidable mistake the surgeon made I'll be staying in hospital over Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7239

You deserved it

412

Favorite

By screwed - 4/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I was rejected for an internship due to 'lack of experience.' I have both an MA and a BA from a highly prestigious school and years of work experience. My would-be superior: a 24 year old without a graduate degree and only one year of work experience. She wore jeans to the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33256

You deserved it

3620

Favorite

By notfunny - 9/4/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, I finally confessed my feelings to my long time crush. He was the only one I've been able to muster up the courage to open up to. He replied "lmao" and hasn't texted back since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38673

You deserved it

6675

Favorite

By bob the builders pissed off daughter - 29/12/2016 23:52 - United States - Campbell

Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21843

You deserved it

1374

Favorite

By Lionman - 5/4/2012 05:11 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, during my first man-to-man conversation with my girlfriend's father, he decided to mention the details of lion mating patterns he'd once witnessed. After a lengthy description of the lion's barbed penis, he said, "It also made me feel better about myself that I could last longer than a lion." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28146

You deserved it

2705

Favorite

By feltuponthe69 - 8/7/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the bus and when I woke up, I found out that I missed my stop by ten stops and I was on the last bus of the night. And, to make matters worse, a drunk hobo was sitting next to me with a beer in one hand and was rubbing my leg with the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47589

You deserved it

10416

Favorite

By Colin - 24/12/2008 05:56 - France

Today, I phoned up my bank's customer service department. I waited eleven minutes on hold with the lovely music, and when a woman finally picked up, I ran out of phone credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25248

You deserved it

2994

Favorite

By Erin - 10/5/2016 02:18 - United States - Springfield

Today, I fell in the shower, landing ass-crack first onto a can of shaving cream, which split my butt straight down the crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14341

You deserved it

1243

Favorite

By criley - 24/6/2014 01:56 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, an attractive guy approached me and struck up a conversation. He was friendly and sweet, and gave me his number. As I walked away, my first thought was that someone had played a cruel joke on me. I've had such awful relationships that I can't recognize when someone is actually being sincere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49598

You deserved it

6495

Favorite

By CrazzY88s - 6/6/2010 16:00 - Ireland

Today, I bought an apartment over what I have just learned to be an Irish folk music store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15912

You deserved it

34047

Favorite

By PinkTornado - 17/3/2009 14:20 - Canada

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. After three long weeks of him ignoring me and cancelling out on time we were supposed to spend with each other. He looked at me with the most confused look on his face. Then he says ''Are you serious? I was planning the perfect day to ask you to marry me'' FML

I agree, your life sucks

39710

You deserved it

97358

Favorite

By LonelyBoy - 16/3/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don't answer my texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15616

You deserved it

26820

Favorite

By Teen With No Money - 3/8/2011 15:49 - United States

Today, my mother took 350 dollars from savings to go to a psychic. But it's okay though, because now I know I'm an "ancient soul from another dimension". An "ancient soul" who now has no money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31246

You deserved it

3093

Favorite

By Swaby - 1/3/2009 08:14 - Hong Kong

Today, I found out I could not go to the Philippines because I have never had Chicken Pox. The school took the radical decision to prohibit students who have never had Chicken Pox to leave the college. I am condemned to stay in Hong Kong in some shitty project because I am a healthy young man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64923

You deserved it

4439

Favorite

By samrodpuertorico - 13/2/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I went to dinner with my friend and his family. I went to the men's room at the same time as his father, and as we peed next to each other in adjacent urinals the father looked over at me and said "Don't worry, I've seen smaller." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39181

You deserved it

3004

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#3810813 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:20

You should've told her you were santa and that because she hurt your feelings, she's going on the naughty list next year.

By IBelongToJeebus | 0

#3810785 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:15

Bitch went there.

Comments

By vannahbaby420 | 0

#3810767 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:09

Wow I'm sorry for u op......

dirtroadboy | 7

#3810793 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:17

Maybe its time to make a new years resolution... or karma will be a bitch and the kid will end up 250 pounds by age 16

GoW_Chick | 14

#3811052 - Saturday 31 December 2011 14:26

I'm hoping karma takes a stab at this one ... Though karma is brutal.

gojira666 | 7

#3811151 - Saturday 31 December 2011 15:08

Boom! Roasted!

eyeIoveyou | 4

#3811213 - Saturday 31 December 2011 15:42

she doesn't deserve karma, she's just a little girl who didn't know that was rude :3

BarDownDaily | 12

#3811790 - Saturday 31 December 2011 17:53

Well, are you?

ihasbrains | 10

#3811920 - Saturday 31 December 2011 18:23

That's how my sister learned that men don't get pregnant.

littlegold | 7

#3812669 - Saturday 31 December 2011 21:42

That really sucks someone did that to my mother... She decided to go up to the kid... Laugh and say "im just super fat!" lol. It was the funniest thing... You should have done that.

tatababe | 0

#3814260 - Sunday 1 January 2012 7:39

I think you just found a new years resolution!

By btnhdude | 0

#3810768 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:11

That had to hurt, stay strong dude.

nattynatters | 14

#3811272 - Saturday 31 December 2011 16:03

Ok. When women get mistaken as pregnant FML tells her to get her ass on a treadmill. When a man gets it it's "stay strong dude?" WTF.

kenny26f | 19

#3811985 - Saturday 31 December 2011 18:41

Because a woman isn't allowed to be overweight apparently. It's total BS.

afcrewchief | 4

#3812611 - Saturday 31 December 2011 21:29

OP is a guy. It shows the person's gender when you click to the comments.

iamabamf | 17

#3812618 - Saturday 31 December 2011 21:30

78-OP made it quite clear in the FML that he was a man, and like 79 said, it shows the gender. Nice try though.

ihasbrains | 10

#3812724 - Saturday 31 December 2011 22:04

73 - I don't think anybody should be overweight, unless they have a medical condition or a legitimate excuse to be overweight. Laziness does not count.

ChadAvreySchilli | 0

#3812846 - Saturday 31 December 2011 22:42

To 83, I agree, although I'm aiming to be slightly over weight, but my dangerously or unnatractivley over

By ICATiger | 13

#3810779 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:13

Well shes only a child......

darien987 | 1

#3812936 - Saturday 31 December 2011 23:18

That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt...

Random_Person88 | 8

#3818257 - Monday 2 January 2012 6:08

Kids can be cruel. Sorry OP

lalalambaabaa | 3

#3945858 - Thursday 26 January 2012 16:14

A four year old asked me that one day. I'm not even overweight.

emily232 | 0

#4661460 - Saturday 7 July 2012 21:34

What?

By IBelongToJeebus | 0

#3810785 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:15

Bitch went there.

graham11 | 14

#3811294 - Saturday 31 December 2011 16:12

4- oh snap! No she di'nt!!

rscott11 | 0

#3827243 - Wednesday 4 January 2012 2:57

Haha

By secrono | 0

#3810800 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:18

loose some pounds bitch!

IBelongToJeebus | 0

#3810815 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:20

*Lose. GODDAMNIT!

fancyclown | 9

#3810822 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:21

Way to put it nicely.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3810825 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:21

You have a "loose" O key I see.

By beccac_boresfoff | 9

#3810807 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:19

It happens.. :)

Kirlyfoo | 9

#3813244 - Sunday 1 January 2012 1:40

I love the hitler version of your picture.

By SecretMe00 | 5

#3810810 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:19

Kids say the darnedest things

cupcake1072102 | 0

#3811830 - Saturday 31 December 2011 18:01

Lol that's just the way kids are!

By BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#3810813 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:20

You should've told her you were santa and that because she hurt your feelings, she's going on the naughty list next year.

friedchickenpie | 14

#3813237 - Sunday 1 January 2012 1:39

I would thumb up your comment, but then it wouldn't be 69 anymore... So, thumbs up!

Kirlyfoo | 9

#3813253 - Sunday 1 January 2012 1:42

There i thumbed it down

Funnywayz | 0

#3814942 - Sunday 1 January 2012 11:18

Well, does he have a white beard?

catsclaw97 | 0

#3901108 - Wednesday 18 January 2012 1:38

That would have been awesome!

By notsorandomguy | 18

#3810830 - Saturday 31 December 2011 12:23

"Ma'am, is that child trisomic?"

DustyStorm | 16

#3811044 - Saturday 31 December 2011 14:21

Having one chromosome in addition to the usual diploid amount.... Chances of anyone knowing this and finding it humorous?

xStaciexLynnx | 15

#3811102 - Saturday 31 December 2011 14:46

Not likely to be found funny since trisomy is most common on the 21st pair, giving a child trisomy 21, which is down syndrome. Which is not funny at all.