By Anonymous - 05/02/2013 06:40 - United States - Northbrook
Add a comment - Reply to : #
Why did you try to convince your girlfriend for sex for 16 months? Didn't it dawn on you after the first attempt that no means no and she will when she is ready to?
#81: What about 16 months? That's only a year and almost a half (if that's how long they've been together). I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years this April and neither of us are ready for that step yet, so we are both virgins. Why is 16 months so unbelievable? Shouldn't a relationship be more than just sex? (Side note: I do know that physical attraction and sexual things are important to show love in a relationship, but not until both people are ready.)
Well a first move has to be made, and often the girl doesn't expect to be the one to make it, so if neither of you are talking about it then how is anything going to ever happen? She's not just going to come back a year after you ask and say "okay, I think I'll be ready Friday," so if you don't ever bring it up or make a move she probably won't either. :P That said, I agree with you guys, and any guy who tries to pressure a girl into sex is a douchebag that doesn't deserve a penis.
#81: Is 16 months really that long? I remember my friends being horrified that I hadn't had sex for four years when I wasn't in a relationship. It just never came up and I wasn't interested in having sex just for the sake of having sex. Now that I'm married, sex is obviously a more common thing. But that doesn't mean there aren't extended periods of time where we just...don't have sex. I'm always boggled by people who say they can't be in relationships without constant sex, or can't stand not having sex at least once every 1-2 days. Not that there's anything wrong with a healthy sex drive. But people who have less sex shouldn't feel ashamed or treated like weirdos because of it.
There are so many factors we don't know about this relationship nobody can really judge him on the convincing for 16 months part. For all we know the girlfriend is of the type and variety who likes to push buttons or get a rise out a guy and leave it at that. Now nobody should force or pressure another person into sex but in a relationship sex is a fact and must be discussed ... He had tried to convince her for 16 months so obviously he wasn't basing their entire relationship on sex or pushing her to a point where it bothered her all that much or she would have put a stop to it at month 1. I waited until I was 21 and found the person I wanted to be with for my first time and I'm glad I did but in other relationships it came up as a topic we discussed it and talked about it ... How do you "know" you're ready if you avoid the topics all the time. Relationships are about communication even and especially in regards to sex. Now OP managed to put so much significance into this act he psyched out his willy that sucks. But the person saying you deserve an font bring it up until she's ready... She's ready, she made that choice now because they have been talking about it how is that a YDI at this point? If he forced himself on her sure he should be shot but they talked about it and talked it through took time until she said ok let's do this.
I'm all for respecting your partner and don't push him/her into sex, but I'd like to mention that (if I got single and found a new partner) I would go mental if I had to wait longer than 6 months for sex. How selfish it might sound, since I discovered how pleasurable sex is I can't live without it. So, is it ok for anyone to push someone into sex? Absolutely not. But you need two to tango, if you sincerely love your partner (and vice versa) and your refusing is making him/her depressed, maybe it's not a dumb move to try to iniate something. A hand job. Maybe oral, if you're ready for it. And if you don't want to sacrifice anything at all, be my guest, but don't be surprised if you'll eventually end up alone.
68, that happened to me. My first boyfriend wouldn't respect me and insisted we sleep together. So five months later of him doing this we did and he still would even when I refused. I finally broke up with him four months later. But by the time I did it turns out he was not only cheating behind my back but was engaged to another woman (who later broke it off). Never again.
135- Love does not equal sex. Not having sex should not equal depression in any way. Two people should not have sex until both are completely ready in their own time. I am a person who believes that everyone should wait until they get married to have sex. (It is seriously good advice). However, I am aware that most people don't wait. So, everyone should at least love the one their with enough to wait however long it takes for the other to be ready for sex. Even of that mean not having sex for 3 years. What do you think masturbation is for?!
If sex is an important factor for you to thrive in a relationship than you need to find someone of the same mind set. Simple as that. If you're with someone who isn't interested in sex immediately and that's something you NEED, than you need to find someone else. It's not fair on that other person to be expected to fulfill you're physical needs when you're not really respecting their decision.
4 years? I had the same situation and he turned out to be gay by time we were the legal age. I think what you have is a strong friendship. I only felt true love with my second bf, and making love made it so much stronger. Plus he made me feel more comfortable with my body.
@#3 "no means no and she will when she is ready to" ^ How does this sentence make sense? Other the 'no' is final or it isn't. It wasn't like he was trying to rape her. He gave her 16 months to make up her mind. Though, considering what he wanted most out of a relationship was sex, he probably could have picked a less reluctant girl... Maybe this is a sign ;P
I don't understand all this 'waiting until I'm ready to take that step' crap. It's just sex! I mean seriously, having sex isn't a big deal. Just get in there and start enjoying yourselves! You can't truly love someone until you've felt that level of closeness to them; it's like no other feeling in the world and it gets better and better and better as you grow closer and know each other intimately.
Sex is a great thing but ot really does change a relationship. It can bring two people closer together and it can also bring out their insecureties and that's something you have to be prepared for. Before I lost my virginity, my boyfriend constantly nagged me until I gave in and as enjoyable as sex is, I regret it because I knew I wasn't ready and it wasn't how I wanted things to be. If you can't respect someone then don't be in a relationship with them.
154- in these kind of boyfriend girlfriend cases, no isn't a definite no. Saying no to sex doesn't mean " forever" (for most people). If it is your girlfriend or boyfriend, no means no until they think theyre ready. But you need to let them change their mind on their own accord because THEY want to, not because they want you to stop bothering them about it. If you lost a competition, you do not try to convince the people to give you the trophy for 16 months afterwards. If they want to give you the trophy they will. Asking once is fine. But pestering them for 16 months isn't cool.
157- Sex should be a big deal to all people. If everyone could go around having sex with anyone they wanted to and just "had fun," then there would be more STDs going around. Why is rape and molestation against the law? Becuase sex is a serious thing. Why do so many people regret losing their virginity when they did? Because sex is a serious thing. This may seem "old fashioned" to you, but this is how humans work. Sex will always be a serious thing that, like all serious things, should not be rushed. And whether you believe so or not, sex isn't just "for fun". It's mostly about a deep romantic love for the other and it's also to make babies!
174- People wrong others all the time and it's obviously not all things that you'd go to prison for. Stealing is serious. Someone who has stolen something will go to jail. Telling someone you don't want to be friends anymore will "wrong" them, but you wouldn't go to jail for it. Sex is meant to be serious and the reason why we sympathize with rape and molestation victims so much is because yes, they were wronged and did not give consent, and on a VERY serious level. If sex was so casual for everyone, would anyone think it's wrong to not have consent from the other person? In my area where I live many young kids that are around 14 like to get drunk. It's so widely accepted here that, while underaged drinking is punishable by law, they don't care because it's now a "casual" thing. If it were like that with sex, no one would respect anyone's boundaries sexually. I'm not saying, "Everyone has to wait until marriage to have sex becuase, if not, you are going to hell." Just no. I'm saying that everyone should maybe take this as food for thought. I personally feel that sex should always be a serious topic so that we can care for rape and molestation victims, so that can respect the boundaries of everyone, and so that not everyone ends up regretting some partner they had one time. One more thing to think about: To "wait" for the other person will most likely make it more special for them. For a boyfriend/girlfriend/ spouse to have only been with yourself, and no one else before you, its special.
178 - When did anyone mention "wronging" other people? You can't really compare stealing and rape with telling them you don't want to be friends with them. Rape is a crime because people force themselves on others, without consent. Stealing is a crime because people take things from others without their consent. Do you see a trend going on there? Just because you think sex should be serious and not "just for fun", it doesn't mean that it has to be that way for everyone. Even the people who don't consider it a serious thing still need to give their consent.
157- So, a couple is married for forty-two years. They love each other, combat everything together, and want nothing more than to be with one another forever. They do everything right, take care of each other, and are contently growing old together. The only thing is, they have never had sex. Maybe they're incapable. Maybe they just don't want it. According to your comment, because they have never had sex they don't love each other the right way, and two teenagers humping in the back of a van obviously love each other more, because they have had sex. Here's a newsflash: Sex is not required for true love to exist. If sex is necessary for you to love someone, then that's your problem, but don't try to justify your own issues by saying that everyone needs sex to experience loving relationships, because they don't.
Am I the only one who assumed he only brought it up now and then? I mean, how would he know if she was ready unless he tried now and then? Expecting her to tell him when she's ready puts a lot of pressure on her, and in some cases, it might make it easier for her if he took the initiative. It just didn't sound like he was being overly pushy or anything. It was 16 months, how frequent do you think it could have been?
167 - whoa, whoa, WHOA. you're flingin out opinions like fact and i cannot let that fly! "sex is mostly about a deep romantic love"--NOPE. sex = reproduction. the urge to reproduce = a natural instinct of ALL LIVING THINGS. monogamy is a byproduct of culture, just as polygamy and polyandry and every other relationship type out there. romance is a social interaction ingrained especially well into the brains of we western civilizations from birth. it's in fairy tales, movies, commercials, books and ads. claiming sex as the holy grail of romance is simply a narrow viewpoint. you are of COURSE fully entitled to your opinions, but i do ask that you be big enough to learn the facts on a subject you feel passionately about, so you can rationally defend your point of view in an argument.
160 - he wasn't saying sex is everything -_-. But he is right, its not a big deal. When I lost my virginity I was just like "Oh was that it? What was all the fuss about?" Unless you're waiting to get married before you have sex, that's quite sweet but I couldn't wait that long.
I also wasn't saying that he thought sex was everything. I was saying it means different things to different people. To some people, choosing to have sex is a big deal to them, and that's okay. To other people, it's not really a big deal, and that's okay too. Sex is whatever you choose to make of it, really, and choosing to or not to have sex is an intensely personal decision that strangers really shouldn't feel the need to provide commentary on. It's sorta like cooking. There's not a set age or time when someone can use the stove. There is, however, a general consensus that you should only use the stove when you know to be safe with it and know how to prevent yourself from getting burnt. Some people feel ready to use the stove earlier, some people stick to the microwave 'till they're ready to take on the responsibilities involved in using the stove. Who cares? It's their life and their cooking. In summary, waiting is fine. Not waiting is fine. Huzzah! :)
People aren't thumbing you down because you posted similar sentiments to a few people above you (who are also being thumbed down). They are thumbing you down because they disagree with your implication that anyone should feel sorry for a guy who got exactly what he deserved.
She must feel a lot of love for him if she hasn't left him with the nagging. I'm glad he couldn't he it up. Now the girlfriend (if she's still with him by the time she's ready) can decide herself and not sound like she's finally given in to his pleading. If she needs to mentally prepare for this experience she needs to do it when she's ready not just because her boyfriend wants to. If he respected her, he'd wait.