Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my...

By cockfist - 4/3/2014 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML

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Intimacy

Time don't heal nothing

Whatthefuckaburger

Headache

By sufia - 29/9/2016 11:14 - Pakistan

Today, I was traveling. At airport security, the woman patting me down felt something "down there" and asked me what I was wearing. I told her it was a sanitary napkin. She put her hands inside my pants just to be sure. FML

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By sig - 22/11/2016 13:54

Today, I found out that I'm not welcome at my boyfriend's dad funeral, because his ex-wife has invited herself, and it would be too awkward to explain to his extended family, most of whom apparently don't yet know that he's divorced. FML

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By Jenny - 5/4/2020 23:00

Three is a magic number

Today, my 15-year-old daughter told me that she's pregnant. To make matters worse, she doesn't know who the father is. She told me not to worry though, because she has it narrowed down to "like, only 3 guys." FML

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By sexyhobbit - 12/7/2014 00:26 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I confided to my boyfriend that I have a condition that causes me to grow thick toe hair. He now won't stop calling me "the sexy Hobbit." FML

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By No2ndDate - 1/2/2017 22:00 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Owl be there for you

Today, I went on a date to an owl sanctuary. Today is also the day I discovered my all-encompassing fear of owls, as I cried and pissed myself in front of my date and 15 other visitors. FML

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By nose hurts - 30/12/2013 01:01 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By John - 19/5/2011 04:27

Today, I offered to drive my girlfriend's grandpa to the doctor. I thus learned my girlfriend's grandfather has a colostomy bag when it burst all over the inside of my truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2013 06:52 - United States - Orlando

Today, my obese mother-in-law took her top off at our pool party, exposing her sagging breasts. When I told her to cover herself, she lifted her breasts, turned them inwards, and squeezed them together while staring me in the eyes. She kept doing this on and off for the next two hours. FML

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By experience_to_get_experience - 21/9/2015 19:09 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I turned 25. I'm single, still living at home and doing an unpaid internship in an industry I have no interest in, because it was the only accepted application after 6 months of unemployment. The daily 45-minute drive means I'm losing money every week for being "employed" with a PhD. FML

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By ww2freak - 14/6/2012 01:17 - United States - Centreville

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

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By I hate retail - 27/11/2015 02:26 - Australia - Kensington

Today, I had to carry a 25kg bag of cement to an elderly customer's car because she refused to use a cart. "You're paid to work, so I'm gonna make you work." FML

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By amy - 20/7/2019 02:09

Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

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By D - 9/9/2011 09:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

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By MeepMeep - 8/4/2018 01:30

Meep Meep

Today, I had to do a Google Image search to prove to my 32-year-old husband that road runners are real animals, and not just made up for Looney Toons. FML

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By RustyRuski - 29/12/2014 22:58 - United States - Greenwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that we need to talk. I think he dumped me, but I'm not sure, because he muttered it in Russian and quickly left. FML

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By Anon - 13/3/2016 00:13 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. As we waited for our food he took my hand and said, "I think we should break up." When I got outside, my tire was flat. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2012 20:53 - United States - International Falls

Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2014 16:56 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss chewed me out for correcting several spelling and grammar mistakes in one of his reports. The words "Think you're so damn smart, don't ya?" were uttered. I'm his secretary, and proofreading his shit is part of my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 23:02 - Ireland - Waterford

Today, I spent nearly half an hour trying to dispel my sister's belief that men have to strap down their penises before going jogging. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2014 23:05 - United States

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

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By Idi - 9/12/2008 12:54 - France

Today, I arrived right on time for my train. Only problem, it was the wrong station. FML

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By itisthedude - 10/9/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I was walking with my very attractive friend who I like a lot. She then told me that her roomate wouldn't be home tonight, and if I wanted, I could come over and study history. I didn't get it. I told her no thanks, that I was covered, and it was chem I needed to study. An hour later, I understood. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 22:05 - United States - Kapolei

Today, I woke up to my friend stroking my face with the bottom of his foot and whispering, "Shh, you're okay." FML

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By alternativefacts - 10/7/2017 14:28

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

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By conspicuous - 12/9/2012 20:11 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I was late for class. I have extreme social anxiety, so I quietly slipped into the huge, packed auditiorium, trying to be as quiet as possible. When I was almost to my seat, I accidentally kicked a teacher's coffee down the steps. The entire class looked at me and clapped. FML

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By DuhSteven - 6/6/2012 17:04 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I had my first ever shift at the zoo. My job is to explain the characteristics and habits of various animals to the visitors. A five-year-old outsmarted me while I was talking about lions. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2018 13:30

Today, my husband hooked up with his classmate in the school I talked him into going to. I helped him pass classes to get there. FML

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By buttsmcgee - 22/11/2016 07:05 - United States - Roseburg

Today, we finally got paperwork saying we were approved for a loan to buy a house! The only problem? It's not eligible for the county we live in. FML

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By Cassidy - 8/10/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML

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By Lea - 16/1/2012 20:18 - Denmark

Today, my kitchen nearly burned down because the fire alarm didn't detect the plumes of smoke wafting through the kitchen. This is the same alarm that wails when I use the toaster. FML

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By Unlucky - 15/11/2014 02:18 - Australia - Cairns

Today, I realized that at 20 years old I already have noticeable wrinkles around my eyes. But to balance it out, my chronic acne keeps me looking youthful. FML

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By Photos - 20/2/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, after I got home from school I went to my room to find the maid had cleaned it, also to find a bag labeled "trash" it was all the sketches and paintings I had done in art class, which is my major plan for college. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2016 13:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

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By Oja1 - 16/12/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, my mother sold my extensive Star Wars collection, and I cried when I found out. I'm 46. FML

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By theyre not THAT big. - 1/7/2013 04:35 - United States - Auburn

Today, I went to get new shoes. I'm a pretty tall girl and I have proportional feet. I asked the cute guy who worked there for a size 9.5. He burst into laughter before putting on a shocked face and saying, "Oh wait... You're serious." Goodbye, self esteem. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2011 18:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and we were just about to kiss. Until his mum walked in saying his girlfriend was at the door. I thought I was already there. FML

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By rink.attendant.6 - 21/6/2012 15:40 - Canada - Dryden

Today, I saw my crush working the only open till at the grocery store. When she saw me approach her queue, she immediately called for more cashiers. FML

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By Stoopid - 7/7/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2012 02:00 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I woke up to an angry text from my roommate asking me to please let her know next time I'm going to have a friend crashing on the couch. I have no idea who she's talking about. FML

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By maf811 - 7/11/2011 12:13 - United States

Today, my mother panicked and was about to report me missing when I didn't answer her calls while I was at a movie. I'm 31, and have lived on my own for over 10 years. FML

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Top comments

By wolfgold2 | 20

#5875725 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:19

So, what happened next? ;)

By Cwizer | 17

#5875727 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:20

I think he might just be happy and thinking of ways to please you.

Comments

By wolfgold2 | 20

#5875725 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:19

So, what happened next? ;)

vipirius | 18

#5875756 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:26

OP's boyfriend revealed that his secret fetish is getting surprise fisted by his gf.

wolfgold2 | 20

#5875759 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:29

So you're telling me not everyone has that fetish?!?!

thatssomia | 12

#5875920 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:45

soo, if someone finds you knocked out atleast we know who to go to

zandalee | 19

#5875969 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 5:38

She received a surprise fisting and is now unable to walk in a straight line...?

thefastnfuryass | 14

#5876100 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 7:33

Surprise buttsecks..

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5876378 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 16:53

Poor 41..... So innocent, your mind is!

But you're on the internet now... The corruption will soon find it's way to you.

sonictardis | 8

#5876570 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 19:44

#41, that was the cutest thing ever.

By ThatGuyWhoTalks | 10

#5875726 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

hippyhopgirl | 9

#5875757 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:27

They don't live together.

chabelo | 10

#5875802 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 2:23

separate beds? OP should buy him a blow up doll and let's see how it ends up!

By Cwizer | 17

#5875727 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:20

I think he might just be happy and thinking of ways to please you.

By slmchicd12 | 23

#5875728 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:20

Don't worry, it was just a dream.

leachnoah1 | 6

#5875813 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 2:30

right, I say all sorts of random things in my sleep.

little_one1 | 14

#5876003 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 6:22

One time when I was in the early stages of puberty I was sleep talking at my grandma's house and told her in close to complete detail about a porn I watched. I couldn't look her in the eyes for months.