Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my...

By cockfist - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML

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Intimacy

Countdown

Near the knuckle

Can they do that?

By LawSchoolBoi

Today, I told my roommate she had to pay $55 to replace a piece of the oven she broke. She told me I was being selfish and decided to illegally break our lease because I was, "making her feel unsafe." Now I not only have to pay for the oven repair, I also have to pay her next two month's rent. FML

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2073

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By fatty fatfuck - 10/5/2020 17:00

You can't win

Today, after losing my job and being quarantined alone, I realized I've gained quite a bit of weight due to depression. I decided to do something about it and walk around my neighborhood. A group of teens followed me laughing and hurling insults until I cried. FML

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2097

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By Anonymous - United States - Vancouver

Today, I'm sick with the worst head cold of my life. For some reason whenever I cough, I also fart. Everyone thinks I'm just trying to cover up flatulence with fake coughing. FML

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38005

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By Colormered - France

Today, I spent all day organizing a list of electronic parts for my boss. I found the easiest way was to color problem parts in the spreadsheet red and okay parts green. After I finished at the end of the day, I found out my boss is red-green colorblind. FML

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32288

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By kanmcdan

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a Snowshoeing date. I felt sick and suggested we turn back. He said I could wait in the car and continued on the date alone. He was gone for hours, while I was stuck alone in a national park with no cell reception, food, or water. FML

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2332

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2020 02:02

Morbid cringe

Today, I realized just how pathetic my life is when I found myself fascinated by videos that a woman posts on YouTube of her removing ingrown hairs and zits from people’s private areas. FML

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895

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By nooneatall - France

Today, I was doing a shit load of sit-ups on my mattress. After realizing the bed was squeaking, I heard my dad laughing very hard from the basement. He thought I was masturbating. FML

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13880

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By Anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML

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18294

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By twinArmageddon2 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I told my dad I'm pregnant. His response? "It's only a phase, you'll get over it." FML

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59244

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By theboywithlonghair - United States

Today, I decided to go get my hair cut because it was getting a bit long. I told the lady that I wanted it way short and she replied "Why? You will look like a guy sweetie." I am a guy. FML

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45883

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By ironies a b*tch - United States - Chatham

Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML

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67024

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By no touching - Australia - Blacktown

Today, at a music festival, some douche unzipped the back of my skirt, exposing my Ninja Turtle undies to everyone before running off. FML

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34534

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone thought it would be funny to switch the signs on the bathroom doors. Fortunately, I knew which was the men's and went on in. The startled old woman inside, however, did not. FML

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26348

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

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32842

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6717

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By dantko - United States - Dearborn

Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

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50012

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5292

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a long conversation with my fiancé about how smoking menthol cigarettes is not a substitute for brushing your teeth. He still isn't convinced. FML

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28219

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By lonely - United Kingdom

Today, I was excited about being set up on a blind date by one of my new co-workers. It turns out the guy she thought would be a "totally perfect match" for me is the ex who cheated on me. FML

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39569

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By WTF

Today, I was awoken by my neighbor pounding on my back door at 3 am, only to look outside and see my car engulfed in flames. FML

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42989

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3027

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By TheStroker

Today, I was cleaning off a carrot by rubbing it up and down under the tap over the sink. My 13-year-old son comes in and says, "Mom, you could get a job doing that." I told him that a carrot cleaner wouldn't make much money. He says, "I wasn't talking about carrots." FML

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1596

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259

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By boned - United States

Today, I checked my university financial account to discover I owed them over $1000. The reason? They had apparently given me too much money when I applied for a loan and now want it back. Oh, and I spent my loan money on books and a laptop for school. FML

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29316

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By Rach - United Kingdom

Today, my cat knocked over a cup of scalding hot tea - but don't worry, the carpet wasn't damaged. It went all over my leg instead leaving a nice big scar for my holiday. FML

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29568

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By John - United States - Watertown

Today, I was fired for using violence and intimidation in the work place. I was a bouncer at a strip club. FML

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28262

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By lone_ranger - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I have only one testicle. Her reaction? "Eeew, balls are gross!" I'm glad to know I'm only half as gross as other guys. FML

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27262

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent my first day with my parents for the first time in a year as I've been away at university. My dad went to work, and my mum spent the whole day playing mahjong with her friends as they all told me "how fat I've gotten" and how "boys won't like it". FML

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14674

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML

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34511

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By Anonymous - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

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23636

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By urbantrashcan - United States

Today, my dentist and his hygienist were flirting while they worked on my mouth. I didn't really mind, however I definitely minded when the hygienist pierced my gum with her tool because she was laughing at one of his jokes. FML

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25760

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1424

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized the closest I've ever been to being hit on was with a car in the school parking lot. Even then, the guy claimed he "didn't notice" me. FML

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27922

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3015

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By coolguy - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13787

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at home with slight constipation, so I took two laxatives. That's when my boyfriend called me, saying his parents are in town and want to have dinner tonight, this being the first time I've met them. I've already been on the toilet five times. FML

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31437

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of thinking and playing every outcome possible in my head, I told my parents I'm gay. My dad nodded and didn't even look up from his book; my mom told me to go to the doctor if it starts to itch. FML

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39087

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By ChubbyTubby - United States

Today, my boyfriend humped me to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars. FML

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24477

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By pigeons_suck - United States

Today, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus. More specifically, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus from being hit in the face by a pigeon that was deflected from the windscreen of a van moving at about 35mph. FML

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33307

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By Anonymous

Hairline fracture

Today, I ended things with the love of my life. I kept my composure the entire conversation, and was even fine when I got home. It wasn't until I was showering at night and found one of his hairs in my butt crack that I lost it. FML

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1408

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By Gottabekidding - United States - Ashland

Today, my workplace instituted a policy in which employees must stop and write down what they are doing every fifteen minutes. FML

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14619

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By Anonymous

Today, I got some news from two colleagues, one of whom just got married for the first time, and the other whose long-time wife was recently diagnosed with an advanced form of cancer. I wrote each of them a heartfelt note, which would've been thoughtful if I hadn't mixed up the recipients. FML

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2988

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By mybfpeedonme

Gross!

Today, a bug crawled inside my ear. In a panic, I called my boyfriend to come over and help me. His mother told him to put pee in my ear to kill the bug so it would just fall out. I ended up in the hospital because the pee made the bug want to claw its way out through my eardrum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3654

You deserved it

1514

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By GabsAlot829 - United States

Today, I babysat the most annoying and obnoxious kids for almost eight hours, when the parents assured me that they would only be gone about three or so hours. After constant calling and worrying, they finally showed up at 11:30, completely drunk. The mother paid me with three dollars and a banana. FML

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64494

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made a fake Facebook account for a girl, and then set my relationship status to make it look like the fake person was my girlfriend. Someone found out and hacked the fake account. My fake girlfriend just dumped me over Facebook. FML

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11633

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By Wreet - United States

Today, I went shopping with this girl I like while my girlfriend was busy. We ended up going grocery shopping to make dinner together, and I ran into my girlfriend's parents. FML

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7036

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Top comments

By wolfgold2 | 20

#5875725 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:19

So, what happened next? ;)

By Cwizer | 17

#5875727 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:20

I think he might just be happy and thinking of ways to please you.

COMMENTS

By wolfgold2 | 20

#5875725 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:19

So, what happened next? ;)

vipirius | 18

#5875756 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:26

OP's boyfriend revealed that his secret fetish is getting surprise fisted by his gf.

wolfgold2 | 20

#5875759 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:29

So you're telling me not everyone has that fetish?!?!

thatssomia | 12

#5875920 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 4:45

soo, if someone finds you knocked out atleast we know who to go to

zandalee | 19

#5875969 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 5:38

She received a surprise fisting and is now unable to walk in a straight line...?

thefastnfuryass | 14

#5876100 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 7:33

Surprise buttsecks..

asnakelovinbabe | 16

#5876378 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 16:53

Poor 41..... So innocent, your mind is!

But you're on the internet now... The corruption will soon find it's way to you.

sonictardis | 8

#5876570 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 19:44

#41, that was the cutest thing ever.

By ThatGuyWhoTalks | 10

#5875726 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

hippyhopgirl | 9

#5875757 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:27

They don't live together.

chabelo | 10

#5875802 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 2:23

separate beds? OP should buy him a blow up doll and let's see how it ends up!

By Cwizer | 17

#5875727 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:20

I think he might just be happy and thinking of ways to please you.

By slmchicd12 | 23

#5875728 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 1:20

Don't worry, it was just a dream.

leachnoah1 | 6

#5875813 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 2:30

right, I say all sorts of random things in my sleep.

little_one1 | 14

#5876003 - Wednesday 5 March 2014 6:22

One time when I was in the early stages of puberty I was sleep talking at my grandma's house and told her in close to complete detail about a porn I watched. I couldn't look her in the eyes for months.