Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is... - FML

By yayme. - 11/7/2013 22:26 - United States - Bismarck

Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML

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Breaking Badly

Inspirational tale

Non-baby fever

By Starchaser - 16/4/2017 19:23

Today, I helped my children dye Easter eggs. They did great. My husband, however, is covered in dye spots and glitter from "helping." FML

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By downer - 25/5/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I was feeling really down. So I texted my boyfriend and asked him to tell me why he loves me, thinking he would cheer me up. His response? "Don't bug me with this stupid shit anymore. You always ask such dumb questions." FML

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By great. - 2/1/2013 18:59

Today, I went on a first date with the guy I really like. During our dinner, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. You guessed it: he didn't come back. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 05:01

The road to hell, good intentions, all that jazz

Today, in the process of leaning over the sink to close the drain so my diamond earrings wouldn't fall in as I put them on, I dropped my diamond earring down the drain. FML

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By Solemnwishing - 13/7/2009 18:33 - United States

Today, while riding on the car with my family, I put on my headphones and pretended to be listening to music and when my parents talked to me, I pretended I couldn't hear them. They took this opportunity to discuss how fat I was and how I can't hold down a boyfriend. They were laughing as well. FML

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By Christoams - 12/1/2009 04:35 - France

Today, I was putting a new lightbulb in when my wife walks into the room and says "you can't see a thing, i'll turn the light on for you". And she did. FML

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By sad child - 27/8/2011 07:45 - United States

Today, I went to my doctor for a check-up. It started with the doctor lifting my shirt up to check my heartbeat, and ended with my gran starting a fistfight over his "perverted ways." FML

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By e - 2/12/2010 09:24 - United States

Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML

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By Timmy - 26/1/2009 13:28 - France

Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML

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By jaimie - 19/3/2011 16:00 - United States

Today, we were going to Disney World all the way from North Carolina. After 12 hours of driving, my kids started fighting and complaining. My husband finally said, "If I hear you guys one more time we're turning around and going back home." They annoyed him once again, and we actually went home. FML

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By Rowaelin16 - 23/8/2016 02:50 - United States - Chicago

Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML

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By ToddesPizza - 20/8/2015 01:00 - United States - Coos Bay

Today, I haven't shaved for so long the hair on my legs has split ends. FML

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By TheDeathguard - 20/7/2017 20:05

Today, a couple yelled at me and reported me to the homeowner association for "watching them make out" at the pool. I'm the lifeguard. FML

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By SureDoesMakeAGirlFeelGood - 13/4/2016 01:45 - Canada - Paradise

Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I was on the computer in the library on campus. I was facebook stalking this really cute girl that I often see on campus. As I'm looking at her profile pictures, I turn around and the girl is standing right behind me. She gave me a disgusted look and walked off. FML

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By Anony-moose - 11/10/2011 09:43 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a patient that no, her nipples were not slowly getting smaller. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2009 19:07 - United States

Today, I had the Monday meeting that I have had every week for 8 months. We had new people joining today. One of my bosses went around the room introducing people, and he forgot my name. I've been sitting across from him with a nametag for 8 months. FML

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By unlucky - 21/10/2010 13:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I failed my driving test. The examiner insisted I that didn't check a junction before pulling out. I did, he just didn't notice because he was too busy staring at my chest. FML

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By washed - 11/10/2009 23:30 - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend hides valuables in the washing machine under dirty clothes when leaving town for the weekend. I learned this AFTER I'd done a load of laundry. FML

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By kady - 4/1/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was holding my hair back while I threw up. The smell then reached him and caused him to throw up in my hair. FML

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By hotboxed - 13/7/2019 18:30

Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML

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By Bob - 7/4/2020 02:00

A heads up next time maybe?

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

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By knobbed - 27/1/2014 23:09 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I got a black eye while trying to break up a fight caused by some complete bastard making a "yo momma" joke at the funeral of my best friend's mother. FML

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By well okay then - 10/9/2012 04:39 - United States

Today, while shopping, I saw a little girl and her mom. The girl was pouting so I tried to cheer her up by asking her if she was a princess, because she was so pretty. She smiled but her mom looked at me with disgust and told me to, "Get lost, pedo." I'm a 17-year-old girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2012 06:23 - United States

Today, my fiancé called and hung up right after I answered. He called back 5 minutes later demanding to know the name of the man who answered my phone. This "man" was me. I have bronchitis. Yes, he's aware of this. FML

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By dazzla08 - 21/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, my husband told me doesn't really love me. He only married me because we had a daughter, and his grandmother told him he had to so she wouldn't be "an abomination to God." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2014 04:04 - Canada - Langley

Today, I managed to punch a customer's child as he walked around the corner just as I enthusiastically pointed his mother in the direction of what she was looking for. FML

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By for my brother in law - 27/7/2016 07:10 - United States - Oxnard

Today, I sent a love message to my wife asking if she was horny. Minutes later, I realized that I sent it to my mother in law. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2015 19:50 - Argentina

Today, my boss showed me a two-page letter from a customer, complaining about me because I couldn't honor a coupon that expired in 2009. He agreed that I did the right thing by refusing it, but said it would be a black mark on my record anyway due to the complaint. FML

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By Yeahyeahyeah - 2/6/2016 02:11 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while at a family gathering, my teenage sister-in-law felt the need to loudly point out, several times, that her selfie got more 'likes' than my pregnancy announcement. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2010 19:02 - Chile

Today, I gave my boss the paperwork to approve my commissions for the month. She wouldn't sign it, saying, "Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel that I've signed this before." She hasn't. I have no commission, and my boss is crazy. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML

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By catt - 17/10/2014 20:12 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my boyfriend tried to rid me of my hiccups. As he'd screamed at me and I'd pissed my pants, I just burst into tears. FML

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By GabyLeann - 29/9/2015 02:01 - United States

Today, while showering, I broke the cap off the shampoo. Not my shampoo, my roommate's. The $60 shampoo I swore I wouldn't touch. FML

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By virginmary - 2/3/2010 12:38 - Reserved

Today, I was making out like a sixteen year old at the high school prom with this guy I kinda liked. All of a sudden, he rolls away and tells me he's "finished." We both had our clothes on the entire time. He is 23, I'm 25. I didn't know that was possible. FML

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By BlueB - 6/7/2013 15:42 - United States

Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML

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By Rachel - 1/3/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, I joined a new choir. My director asked me if my best friend was actually my girlfriend. Taken aback, I said no, I was not a lesbian. He then asked me to clarify my gender. FML

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By poorlyparented - 16/6/2015 12:05 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my coworker decided to give me "the talk". I'm 21 and not a virgin, yet most of what she said was new to me. FML

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By AngerManagement - 29/9/2011 08:04 - United Kingdom

Today, after being in the UK for 2 months, I learned that when saying, "I'm about to blow off and kill someone", to the British "blow off" means "fart." This was pointed out to me in an open-space office after a particularly loud rant. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, this guy I have been hanging out with for a while came over and we were about to do it. He pulled off my clothes and once I was naked I reached for his zipper. He just backed up and said he was a virgin and simply wanted to see me naked. FML

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Top comments

By Lennes | 12

#5576483 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:35

They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

By Thundering_Jibbs | 13

#5576490 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:38

The premise of this FML would make a great sitcom! Young woman living next to her zany neighbor, who just happens to be her biological father! NBC will be all over that shit.

COMMENTS

By Lennes | 12

#5576483 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:35

They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Reply

Peeves_fml | 17

#5576507 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:44

Son of a banshee, you beat me to it. I'll try to be faster next time.

Reply

packrat | 26

#5576599 - Friday 12 July 2013 10:43

Yup. Especially if the tree is alongside the fence between their yards...

By Ilovevortexklown | 5

#5576484 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:35

...i can't...

Reply

strapper88 | 6

#5576516 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:50

You can't what? You can't breathe? That's the only reason I can see as to why this comment ended so suddenly ;)
FYL OP there's several family members I wish I didn't know.

Reply

audreyfml1994 | 15

#5576538 - Friday 12 July 2013 9:14

You can't...write a decent comment?

Reply

Sinistra_Blue | 12

#5577028 - Friday 12 July 2013 18:35

#3, ....then don't.

By Feedmyaddiction5 | 14

#5576486 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:36

Hopefully it doesn't run in the family.

Reply

lickastick | 27

#5576534 - Friday 12 July 2013 9:05

What's wrong with being weird?

Reply

Pesticides | 19

#5576561 - Friday 12 July 2013 9:48

weirdness adds to excitement of life!

Reply

brittyboo123 | 35

#5576755 - Friday 12 July 2013 13:40

Ever think maybe he was acting weird because he wanted to get to know his kid better but didn't know how to since she didn't know he was her biological father?

By BlissfulLiss | 18

#5576488 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:37

Now that you know this, you can take it as an opportunity to get to know him. Maybe once you do, he won't seem so weird.

By Thundering_Jibbs | 13

#5576490 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:38

The premise of this FML would make a great sitcom! Young woman living next to her zany neighbor, who just happens to be her biological father! NBC will be all over that shit.

Reply

Lennes | 12

#5576503 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:41

I would totally watch that!

Reply

buckdharma | 36

#5576606 - Friday 12 July 2013 10:53

#6- Mr. Codgers' neighborhood. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?

Reply

devilkazama | 9

#5577232 - Friday 12 July 2013 22:32

Sorry star wars already covered that :P

By kurodansei | 16

#5576494 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:39

Longest Family Reunion Ever.

By football98_fml | 20

#5576496 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:39

or that ur biological father is the wierd guy that lives next door

Reply

stevothedevo | 25

#5576977 - Friday 12 July 2013 17:44

Struck in head with 'football98' times

By PulseShock | 9

#5576497 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:40

Well on the bright side if you find 3 more estranged family members you could be on family feud!

By Peeves_fml | 17

#5576498 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:40

Well you know what they say, ”Like father, like son.” Maybe you should rethink calling him weird.

By Cazz91 | 21

#5576501 - Friday 12 July 2013 8:40

How did you manage to find that out OP? More importantly, why was he being all "creepy"?