Miscellaneous: Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing...

By Anonymous - 06/11/2012 18:34 - United States - Erie

Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 094

You deserved it 3 391

Miscellaneous

Another great day to be alive

Taking stock

Compassion

By Anonymous - 25/07/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I got a completely random boner at a coffee shop, five seconds before two attractive women asked me to stand up and take their picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 460

You deserved it 5 758

By Anonymous - 31/01/2015 05:38 - United States - Brenham

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 268

You deserved it 3 241

By SlickMcK - 05/06/2010 21:14 - United States

Today, my mother asked me if I'd heard of anal sex. Before I could fully process her question, she explained that it's dangerous because the tissues of the anus are finer and more susceptible to STDs. There were still forty minutes left in our car ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 386

You deserved it 4 326

By flattened - 10/02/2011 10:58

Today, my mum got an electric car. It's so quiet that we could hear the bones of my cat break as we reversed over it on the driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 595

You deserved it 8 488

By anonymous - 28/12/2016 05:07 - United States

Today, while hiking in the mountains in North Carolina, I finally got to the deer I had been tracking for almost an hour. I was watching it from about 10 feet away, and enjoying every moment. Within a few seconds, my niece yelled from across the river to ask if I had found it. It ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 514

You deserved it 978

Keep it to yourself

By oops - 30/11/2011 14:15 - United Kingdom

Today, in a store, an obnoxious woman, swearing loudly and slapping at her out-of-control kids, was disrupting the whole place. I said to the cashier, "That nasty woman should leave the brats at home." She gave me a filthy look and said, "Do you mind? That's my sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 781

You deserved it 19 794

By Jaxur05 - 28/02/2012 13:27 - United States

Today, I get to stand in the unemployment line for the second time in a year because my company can't pay me. My parents own the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 072

You deserved it 3 167

By Anonymous - 16/07/2016 17:53 - United States - Draper

Today, at the store, I didn't hear the cashier when she asked if I had a loyalty card. She took one look at my naturally bitchy-looking face and muttered "It's my JOB to ask, jeez." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 652

You deserved it 2 062

Isn't that illegal?

By Ryan Engle - 29/07/2021 02:01

Today, my neighbor, who has 4 video cameras pointed at the front of my house, got a drone that’s now hovering over my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 024

You deserved it 56

By now what - 24/12/2014 05:56 - United States - San Leandro

Today, my husband came home with a Christmas gift from a coworker. It's the same thing I got him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 073

You deserved it 3 354

By Anonymous - 26/08/2015 11:28 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go out and that I'd be back later. He asked where I was going. "To see my other boyfriend," I chuckled, smiling. He took it seriously and wouldn't believe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 394

You deserved it 10 057

By Felinefine - 15/08/2016 19:33 - United Kingdom - South Petherton

Today, after changing and dressing my 6-month-old into his super cute brand new outfit, I saw the telltale sign of him about to vomit. Without thinking, I cup my hand under his mouth and catch it all. I had to sit there with a hand full of puke and nowhere to dump it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 851

You deserved it 2 462

By Anonymous - 02/03/2014 05:03 - United States

Today, I set up a small social gathering for a few friends. One of them didn't have a ride, so the others, who'd already shown up, went to go give him a ride. After no sign of them for a whole hour, I called to see what was wrong. They went out to eat and completely forgot about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 119

You deserved it 4 347

By Rohirus - 07/06/2012 23:09 - Sweden

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 480

You deserved it 2 533

By claudio117 - 08/04/2012 09:16 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 678

You deserved it 2 804

By Anonymous - 08/06/2015 23:13 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the living room where my mother was so I could ask her about something. I found her lying pantsless on the couch trying to cut her pubic hair with a pair of scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 097

You deserved it 2 105

By buhknee - 25/11/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, I realized that our generation will be remembered as the kids who liked sparkly vampires. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 472

You deserved it 13 473

By Shady_Soldier - 31/10/2013 08:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson. I went to have my photo taken with a statue of him. Little did I know, for Halloween week they replace the statues with real people. It jumped out at me; I'm never getting over this fear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 521

You deserved it 7 325

By jason - 24/04/2009 13:24 - United States

Today, I came home to find a car parked in my assigned space. Pissed off, I left a note on the car's windshield saying, "Hey Assface, thanks for parking in my spot. I spat on your door handle." It turns out it was my girlfriend's parent's car. They took us out to dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 259

You deserved it 76 582

By piece of crap car - 04/01/2017 06:27 - United States - Portland

Today, I was supposed to start my first day of work at my dream job. However, my car had other plans and refused to start. When I called my boss to tell him I was going to be late, he told me not to come in at all and fired me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 756

You deserved it 1 028

What's up, doc?

By Anonymous - 07/04/2018 05:00

Today, I went to the doctor because of the redness and swelling of my penis, hoping that it was just a minor rash or allergic reaction. Nope! According to the doctor, who could barely stop herself from laughing, it's good old-fashioned friction burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 976

You deserved it 1 927

By baxeh - 27/02/2014 22:42 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my cat pissed all over my work clothes. They weren't even on the floor, she knocked the hanger down just so she could use them as a toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 468

You deserved it 4 901

By mistickfae - 29/10/2012 18:42 - United States

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 866

You deserved it 2 243

She'll get over it

By InkedGirl - 14/01/2022 01:59

Today, is the day I got my first tattoo. It's also the day where my mom screamed at me, gave me the silent treatment, and kicked me out of the house. Apparently I’m not considered her daughter anymore, because my skin is “damaged” now. I don’t have other family anywhere, and I have nowhere to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 126

You deserved it 444

By CP19JK12KH - 03/01/2010 09:56 - United States

Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 860

You deserved it 3 995

By insomnitude - 05/03/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 721

You deserved it 13 775

By nothingtoseeherejuststealingtrees - 05/04/2016 20:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my neighbor. When she saw me cutting down trees on my lot, she interrogated me and called the police because she didn't believe I owned the property. She didn't call the cops when she watched someone steal a cord of wood from my property two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 770

You deserved it 1 321

By Anonymous - 09/08/2016 00:04

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 819

You deserved it 1 314

By Anonymous - 24/09/2015 17:07 - United States - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 456

You deserved it 6 047

By Mayabie - 16/10/2011 21:08 - France

Today, at my job in the cosmetics department, I was helping a customer find something to her taste. She said, "I want a lipstick like you. Something that says, 'I'm a bitch'." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 137

You deserved it 6 381

Shake, rattle, and roll

By goddamn idiots - 29/10/2021 08:01 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I’m sitting in the ER pissed off at my teenage sons. They’re both violently ill from doing a shot contest to see who could drink the most. Alcohol poisoning? Nope. Caffeine overdose. They lost track of how many shots of espresso they were doing before they started puking and shaking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 117

You deserved it 135

By idiot - 28/07/2009 16:15 - United States

Today, I was house sitting by myself and I texted my mom saying how thankful I was that she was trusting me and not checking up on me. That night I threw a party at the house. My mom showed up to check on me because my text was "suspicious". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 820

You deserved it 126 013

By Anonymous - 06/06/2019 22:00

Today, I had a party at my house. I have a nice laptop that I hook up to the stereo, but someone almost spilt beer on it, so I took it downstairs. Later on in the night, I went down to look something up on it. Someone had taken a shit on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 876

You deserved it 381

Gordon says you SUCK

By James - 01/04/2020 17:00

Today, my sister was so bored during the lockdown that she let me attempt to cook an omelette without turning the stove on, just so she had something amusing to watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 1 253

Testing

By Hari - 07/11/2021 20:01

Today, it’s my second week at work. I received a phone call from corporate HQ that they wanted to make our monitors wireless, so they wanted me to cut the red wire from the main monitors. I did so, and my boss walks in, furious. Turns out it was a set up to see if I’m “that gullible.” Yes, I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 633

You deserved it 1 287

By eejit - 21/02/2009 11:52 - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend that I think teddy bears are THE most pointless and careless gift. He shyly gave me my birthday present afterwards. It was a carebear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 687

You deserved it 67 412

By Anonymous - 30/04/2013 18:24 - United States - Pompton Plains

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 840

You deserved it 8 393

By outsmartedbykids - 28/05/2014 16:28 - United States - Lake Mills

Today, I was at a buffet with my kids and husband. As my boys got up to get more food, I told them they'd better come back with something green on their plate. They both came back with mint ice cream and got a high-five from my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 581

You deserved it 30 799

By Anonymous - 08/05/2015 21:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I found my 15-year-old son sleeping on the couch. I asked why, and he said he'd rented his room out to someone on Craigslist to make extra money, so he was getting used to sleeping in the living room instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 956

You deserved it 2 863

About that...

By Gay younger brother - 30/06/2018 01:30

Today, my brother came out to our parents. They weren't super happy with it, but they said that it was ok since they still had a straight son. I don't know how to tell them that I'm gay too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 526

You deserved it 485

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Top comments

holyshitbatman 20

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:32

id own that restaurant by the time we got out of court. that's DISGUSTING and i hope you filed a complaint with the local health department

unknown_user5566 26

Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:38

Think about it this way: you faced one of the worst scenarios possible, and lived through it. Don't give up just yet. I'm sure if you tried again, you'd have a much better experience, and be well on your way to conquering your phobia.

holyshitbatman 20

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:32

id own that restaurant by the time we got out of court. that's DISGUSTING and i hope you filed a complaint with the local health department

bigtaytay 13

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:45

Sue them, that way u won't have to go out again AND you'll have money!

RaggleFrock 13

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:52

During because you found a bug in your salad. Man up, vegetables grow outside, it happens. I'm guessing it was brought in pre washed like at most restaurants.

RaggleFrock 13

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:57

Autocorrected sue to during.

Zomg_Okay 26

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 0:06

It's a restaurant that should have strict controls on hygiene. It shouldn't be one of those things that just "happens".

thatKidzmOm 10

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 1:05

I've never found a bug in my food that i make myself...why should it be ok when it's food someone else made? It's not ok and it's fucking gross!

Lucifer22_fml 1

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 1:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

christyxbee 15

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 1:31

That's gross for anyone to find! Germaphobe or not!

kennaem1 11

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 1:32

I love your picture

Cbizzlez 10

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 1:37

It's just a little protein don't worry about it

patrickalamo 47

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 1:50

I see most have never worked in a restaurant. There are much bigger things to worry about. I try to go to open kitchen restaurants only, after working 10 yrs as a kid in them.

zango1 15

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 3:19

Most countries have guidelines on the acceptable level of animal matter in food for human consumption. (Google how much rat hair their can be in peanut butter). It's pretty gross but you're unlikely to win a huge payout for finding a bug in salad.

kakarot2 11

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 3:38

I agree 53... It happens. At my dad restaurants we wash everything twice before cooking. Even then you can possibly check every single lettuce leave. What you cook at home has less of a chance to have a bug because the amount of food you are cooking is minimal. You can easily spot something. In a restaurant it's a different ball game, it's food to serve ALOT of people. If it happens people just point it out and we exchange it in an instant. Its a bug people, it's not going to kill you.

rmullen13 4

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 3:49

Exactly! Especially if its FRESH FARM FOOD lettuce grows in the ground..bugs come in the food ALL THE TIME..pick it out, get a new one, get over it..bugs are just frowned upon bc of our uptight ignorant American culture full of dumbass people who rather eat food full of poisonous chemicals to keep natural bugs off...they are chock full of nutrients and proteins..it means the plants your eating are actually good if they choose to eat it....being a germafobe is dumb anyway you're breeding yourself to be a weak individual and your children will be born with weak immune systems and not be able to fight off simple shit..go fuck yourself OP

verkaderk 9

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 4:16

Sue them: the American way

cradle6 13

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 4:37

Hey #1, I don't think you want to own that restaurant. I heard that they have bugs in their food.

bernardbrown 7

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 5:32

It happens my ass. This is food WE, the customers, eat. "It happens" is not an excuse for feeding people bugs.

takpaan 6

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 9:05

It's only protein!!??

onlychildFTW 33

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 10:31

How many bug body parts are allowed in a chocolate bar? I dare you to google it. I DARE you. Haha.

SubparAtBest 23

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Monday 30 March 2015 1:24

Consumerism is love. consumerism is life.

yankfan89 27

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:32

That's fucking gross!

Inheritance 10

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:53

It's very gross, but bright side you can complain about it. Or they can make you a deal; such as free meals for not getting told on. So there is a plus to this negative.

lilhellian 26

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:58

They almost ate a bug! That's a negative.

Zomg_Okay 26

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 0:07

If you found a bug in your food, 28, would you really accept meals from the same place, free or not? :/

syki 22

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 0:08

Gross, yes. But technically not a germ? Bright side! :D

Inheritance 10

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 0:13

If its a nice expensive Restraunt, yes. You may never know it could never happen again.

cajekraze 7

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 20:48

Imagine things from the bugs perspective, how horrifying

ZuRG_fml 7

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:32

Oh, honey.

Zedd_fml 8

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 0:25

It's truly amazing, when this shit doesn't usually happen to anyone else other than the ones with the phobias.

Pelvispresley 8

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 0:35

42- Yes, like studies show that you are more likely to find a spider in your room if you are afraid of them

LemonandLime 13

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 10:27

Personally I prefer insects with butter, not honey but whatever floats your boat.

Stealthed 8

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 15:32

Did anyone else read this in a voice from HIMYM from that episode with Katy Perry? I just watched it 1 hour ago! :|

lulucall911 6

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:33

Did that BUG you? Sorry, had to

blcksocks 19

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:44

No, you really didn't have to..

mario2012 18

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:44

No you didn't. Edit: damn, 21 meat me by a split second.

omg36 7

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:44

Lol that's fucked up

KaeSAL 11

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 6:54

Aw, you shouldn't have. No seriously. Stop.

Firegirl741 29

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Saturday 17 January 2015 10:13

That's a great pun

skittlestrailmix 14

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:36

Considering your fear for restaurants, I'm surprised you chose a diner.

Bright_Lights 14

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:43

She said dinner, not diner.

rs89 20

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:56

"she"?

Jaxx66 21

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 0:25

30- He/She. It doesn't matter, the FML doesn't say! So we can make the OP any gender.

lilhellian 26

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 0:32

43 i choose radish as op's gender

dabeast15 7

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 2:20

SILENCE!......:)

yodas0da 12

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:36

Protein! haha jk, that's nasty, but don't let this stop you from socializing(:

_streets_ 19

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Wednesday 7 November 2012 7:37

I found a huge black dead fly sitting right on top of my salad once, and when we told the waitress, she just laughed said "oh haha extra protein" and then walked away.