Today, about to fall asleep, a bug started buzzing behind the...

By limeiscool - 4/8/2019 04:00

Today, about to fall asleep, a bug started buzzing behind the screen to my window. Losing my sanity, I punched the screen, forgetting all about the glass. I now have a cracked window and one still annoying bug. FML

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Cold-blooded old times

All in the family

Assumptions

By no - 8/12/2016 14:37 - United States - New York

Today, my cat jumped out a fourth-story window when I went to pet her. FML

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By robthebuilder - 26/10/2010 06:35 - Canada

Today, while at work, I was asked to see my boss. I was informed that the company would be laying off 20 people, and that I was one of them. I was told I could finish off the week, then was sent back to work. Twenty minutes later, my boss walked around and handed us all Christmas party invitations. FML

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By dyingtinkerbell - 18/10/2009 11:14 - Australia

Today, I went to my company's HR manager to ask what the procedure was to file a sexual harassment complaint since my boss exposed himself to me. His response was that the procedure is to "get over it." And he went back to reading. FML

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By daisyann - 15/7/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for the first time. When the officer came up to my window, I immediately burst out into tears due to nervousness. He kept asking me for my licence and registration. Hysterical, I wasn't able to comply. He arrested me for not cooperating. FML

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By legit - 2/3/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I was singing Alicia Keys in the shower and hitting the insanely high notes. My father ran into the bathroom and threw open the shower door, screaming. He thought I was wailing in pain. FML

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By Rari - 9/6/2016 16:04 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I broke up with my fiancé after he cheated on me, and he now refuses to move out of the apartment. I'm even contemplating just offering him my Xbox One as a bribe so I can get him out of my life for good. FML

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By LivingInMisery - 12/4/2017 21:00 - United States - Cape Girardeau

Today, I was supposed to have my advising appointment for my next semester of college. When I got to campus, it was windy and raining so heavily that my clothes were sopping wet within a minute of stepping out of my car. My advisor didn't show up. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 11:38 - United States

Today, I learned that when the power goes out at my house, my family thinks you can no longer flush the toilet. FML

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By SadMan - 19/1/2010 00:41 - United States

Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. Turns out they are firing 35 people. I wasn't on the list until I asked for a raise. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2018 20:30

Today, like most days, I spent my lunch break with a sandwich in one hand while typing with the other, trying to keep up with my work load, while my coworker took a nap. We're supposed to be doing the same job, but he refuses to learn most of the software. The boss is fine with this. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, a riot broke out while I was on shift at the community swimming pool. A family snuck in soap so they could use the pool as a giant bath tub. FML

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By Dx - 6/3/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my usual. After putting the baby to sleep I put some popcorn in the microwave and went to the bathroom. When I came out the whole kitchen was filled with smoke. One of the neighbors saw and called 911. I'm out of a job. FML

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By "refines" - 23/9/2017 16:00

Today, I woke up to my living room covered in 8 cm of water. My $2k computer was on that floor. FML

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By - 30/12/2019 09:00 - United States - Gualala

Today, while house sitting for my mother and stepfather, their elderly dog passed away. They live in such a remote location, the closest open vet office is a 2 hour drive, and the local one opens in 10 hours. FML

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By SaucierGirl - 12/8/2018 03:30

Today, I was told that since I've had only three or four periods since 2013, there's 60 periods worth of blood clotted in my uterus. They gave me medicine to make it all come out in one week. FML

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By nipped - 16/9/2009 13:24 - Australia

Today, I thought it would be fun to tease my dog by standing above her and hitting each of her paws repeatedly. My dog thought it would be fun to jump up and bite at my chest whilst I wasn't wearing a shirt. I just spent four hours in hospital getting my nipple sewn back on. FML

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By Macdaddy - 5/12/2008 12:49 - France

Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML

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By BeanThereRuinedThat - 22/3/2017 12:00

Bean.

Today, my partner proposed to me during an anniversary dinner at a small, quiet Italian restaurant near where we live. We'd never been before, but the food was great, and the staff lovely. It all would have been perfect, if not for the dozens of pictures of Mr. Bean which covered every wall. FML

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By Random Person - 21/11/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant downtown with my brother in-law when I told him I couldn't eat any more. He then told me, "You better, or you're walking home." He wasn't kidding. FML

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By SnurklesMcGee - 12/2/2016 22:08 - Canada

Today, I learned I don't have to spend Valentine's Day alone. My parents invited me along on their date. FML

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By LonelyThisChristmas - 24/12/2016 20:14 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my step-mum told me that the Christmas dinner she is cooking tomorrow will cost £25 a head. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She wasn't. Now I'm spending Christmas alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2013 07:11 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I was stretching after a group run. I noticed one of the girls was having problems balancing, so I told her that I have horrible balance too, but that it'll get better. She sneered and said she had a brain tumor when she was a kid, and that's why she has such bad balance. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML

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By JGarz - 10/10/2015 07:21 - United States - Tucson

Today, I walked in on my teenage son passionately making out with one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 12:17 - Australia

Today, I was alone with a work acquaintance at lunch. A noise came from his pocket; he whipped out his iPod Touch and said "Sorry, I have to take this," before walking away with the iPod to his ear. Not only did he not want to talk to me, he thought I was stupid enough to confuse an iPod with a phone. FML

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By SlowPacker - 9/3/2016 07:07 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my family informed me that we were going on a 10 hour road trip to my cousin's wedding. They only decided to tell me 45 minutes before we left for said road trip. FML

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By nurse - 3/11/2010 12:08 - Reserved

Today, I'm training to be a nurse in a hospital. Our teacher asked for a volunteer to demonstrate how bed restraints work. After I was shackled to the bed she said, "Now let's make sure they work. Are you ticklish?" My entire class tickled me until I screamed, cried and nearly wet my pants. FML

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By Butch - 4/7/2016 17:19 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, our e-mail server went down. When I called IT to find out what the status was, they told me they e-mailed everyone with an update. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2015 20:52 - Ireland

Today, my housemate got back at me for asking for her share of a bill by losing her virginity to the guy I like, very loudly. FML

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By Anna - 6/4/2009 10:41 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on abstinence to a bunch of teenage boys, and surprisingly they were paying attention. After they left, I went to the bathroom and saw I had missed a few buttons on my blouse. The boys had a close up view of my cleavage for 3 hours. FML

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By - 29/12/2020 18:00

Parents love

Today, I walked in on my dad masturbating to a nude photo of my mum on the computer. She passed away four years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2018 22:15

Today, I was flirting with a guy and we ended up having a deep conversation through text. We were talking all our problems, and saying really sweet things to each other. I THOUGHT he was going to say something else really sweet and cute. He linked me to Suicide Hotline instead. FML

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By bitchasshonky - 11/8/2010 04:09 - France

Today, I had a fancy dinner date with a really hot guy. Near the end of our meal, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place. As soon as we walked in the door, he started a religious debate with his room mate. It's been 45 minutes and its still going. FML

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By screwyouchris - 16/10/2015 23:08 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that he sees no future with me. It's alright though, because he says we can still "coast along" until he meets someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 21:35 - United States - Green Lane

Today, my boss threw out the report I wrote for the board of directors. He said that if it were legal, he'd smash me in the balls with a brick for using Comic Sans. I had to do the whole thing again in another font with my coworkers snickering at me. FML

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By clumsy - 4/1/2011 15:47

Today, while walking on the sidewalk with my boyfriend, I slipped and fell. Not only did he not help me get up or ask if I was okay, he got mad at me for embarrassing him in public. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2013 20:33 - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. She responded by breaking into my place and stabbing my hamster with a fork. FML

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By Darin Greenwood - 22/7/2019 14:00

Today, the wife and I were in the middle of having sex. She was bent over and I was taking her to pound town. I look over to see my 3 year-old son standing in the doorway, humping air. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2011 13:17 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, and started to climb on top of him sexily. He blurted out, "Oh my god, you're like that girl from The Ring." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, as soon as I got home, my girlfriend was waiting for me at the door. She told me she was breaking up with me, the reason? She found a girl's shirt in my closet and that she didn't need a cheating boyfriend. That shirt was mine. FML

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Top comments

By Sinshine | 27

#7828281 - Sunday 4 August 2019 4:10

How in the world do you forget about glass in a window?!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7828356 - Sunday 4 August 2019 11:34

Sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug.

And sometimes you try to punch the bug on the other side of the windshield and break your stupid hand.

Comments

By Sinshine | 27

#7828281 - Sunday 4 August 2019 4:10

How in the world do you forget about glass in a window?!

By acmariner99 | 23

#7828282 - Sunday 4 August 2019 4:16

Don’t do that!

By Mathalamus | 24

#7828283 - Sunday 4 August 2019 4:30

Victory for the bug.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7828356 - Sunday 4 August 2019 11:34

Sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug.

And sometimes you try to punch the bug on the other side of the windshield and break your stupid hand.