Animals: Today, I noticed an extremely large bug buzzing around my room....

By bugnose - 16/05/2011 06:26

Today, I noticed an extremely large bug buzzing around my room. After several attempts, I stomped on it with my shoe. I was trying to get a closer look at my victory when it flew into my nostril. Turns out it was just playing dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 870

You deserved it 9 088

Animals

There's no helping some people

Walk on the wild side

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Hot Mess

By bigmikenyc - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave, it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 320

You deserved it 29 130

By Cody - 07/03/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

I agree, your life sucks 103 942

You deserved it 21 126

By Anonymous - 29/06/2014 22:28 - United States

Today, after leaving my mom's house, I got 4 text messages from her about how I was a terrible person for not saying goodbye to my sister when I left. The "sister" she was referring to is the family dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 096

You deserved it 4 729

Retail work is hell

By Anonymous - 12/06/2021 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, a girl threatened to castrate me if I didn’t refund her for a remote control that SHE damaged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 52

By finallyready - 08/01/2013 19:56 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I discovered after 11 months, my girlfriend is finally ready to have sex. I discovered this by walking in on her and one of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 992

You deserved it 4 646

By Noname - 26/02/2009 15:30 - United States

Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 932

You deserved it 475 097

By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 21:34 - Netherlands - Tilburg

Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 339

You deserved it 4 644

Pokémon Gone

By pogo Nono - 04/06/2021 11:01 - United States

Today, I found a guy I play Pokémon Go with on Facebook. We decided to meet up at a popular hunting spot so we could organize a trade. His wife showed up out of nowhere, causing a huge scene and threatening to kick my ass. I had my husband and kids with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 142

Oh nose!

By Thatsjustmee - 07/07/2021 04:01 - Canada

Today, I was at rehearsal for a musical. I got a violent nosebleed in the middle of rehearsing and got blood all over my costume. I now owe $350 to the company for the damage I caused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 876

You deserved it 79

Alone time

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 14:00

Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 249

By TrueScotsman - 29/10/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I wore my kilt to the university I attend. Getting tired of the stares which I was receiving, I yelled "It's cause its too big to fit in my pants". As soon as the words left my mouth, a gust of wind came and blew my kilt up around my waist, revealing that my previous claim was untrue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 962

You deserved it 57 250

By monogamous - 28/10/2010 09:26 - Australia

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 316

You deserved it 4 770

By mydadsawsooomuch - 17/11/2010 13:26 - United States

Today, in the wee hours of the morning I decided to make a naked dash to the bathroom, unfortunately, my dad decided to do the same thing at the exact same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 092

You deserved it 9 783

test light

By BubbaYoshi117 - 07/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I was refilling my lighter. Afterwards, I gave it a test light. I must have spilled some fluid because my thumb caught on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 1 200

By Kbug - 28/04/2019 00:00

Today, while my man of almost 5 years was playing a video game with his friends, during one of the conversations they were having, one of his childhood friends asked “What do you see in her?” He replied, “I don't know, it’s more of an entrapment type of thing.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 396

You deserved it 311

By Rhyno - 05/05/2009 15:37 - United States

Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidentally drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 308 081

You deserved it 65 510

By brrrr that's cold! - 27/01/2011 20:24 - United States

Today, I finally felt well enough to take an actual shower after having surgery on my back. It took five minutes to stand up, ten minutes to get to the shower, and another ten minutes to get in. The pilot light went out in less than five minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 647

You deserved it 2 392

Attraction

By Anonymous - 26/07/2021 11:01

Today, I realized I'm extremely sexually attracted to my physical therapist. It doesn't help that treatment involves me spending the entire appointment naked from the waist down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 128

By Anonymous - 29/08/2013 18:12 - United States - Mount Clemens

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 638

You deserved it 6 518

By anonymous - 12/12/2014 01:17 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I noticed that I'm way more productive when I'm drinking than when I'm not. I think I just figured out why I'm related to so many alcoholics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 039

You deserved it 3 425

By Ace - 01/04/2016 02:17 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, this guy I was seeing dumped me for "bombarding" him with text messages. I'd sent him one text asking if he was okay, after he stood me up 2 nights in a row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 773

You deserved it 1 784

By KitKat270 - 28/05/2009 01:40 - Canada

Today, my mom informed me that she wouldn't be joining the rest of the girls in the limo ride to the church for my wedding ceremony because she wants to have her car with her. Why? Because she is planning to leave my wedding reception half way through to go home and take her dog out to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 621

You deserved it 4 972

Who's that?

By Anonymous - 14/02/2021 05:01

Today, after waking up beside my girlfriend to get ready to go to work, I leaned down to kiss her while she was still asleep, and she said, "Have a good day Jake." My name starts with a J, but it's not Jake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 070

You deserved it 95

Long drive home

By Anonymous - 01/06/2021 04:01 - Australia - Kellyville

Today, at work, I shat myself at my desk thinking it was a fart. I had to waddle down to the parking garage and drive myself home. I’m a grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 791

You deserved it 342

By boyishgirl - 27/02/2015 19:14 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got to see my best friend for the first time in months. Her first reaction was to say, "Wow, you gained a lot of weight." I actually lost a fair bit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 862

You deserved it 3 069

By random person - 13/11/2011 06:16 - United States

Today, I sent the texts "I love and miss you babe;)." and "Shit wrong person." to my ex just so he would think I have a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 487

You deserved it 62 216

By tayluh26 - 15/02/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, I found out that my fiancé's parents are refusing to pay for a honeymoon because "they didn't have one so neither will we", so they won't pay for a single thing for our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 594

You deserved it 15 938

By screewit - 20/02/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can't wait to see me later. I didn't see her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101 543

You deserved it 4 943

By Time for a haircut - 21/05/2013 19:05 - United States

Today, I was getting out of my car, when my new neighbor asked if I'd help him unhitch a trailer. On my way over, he said, "Oh never mind, I thought you were a boy." I am a boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 789

You deserved it 7 049

By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 17:33 - United States

Today, while my girlfriend was playing a game on my phone, an unknown number sent me a nude picture and the words "Miss you, baby." This person's mistake just cost me a black eye, and probably my relationship too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 182

You deserved it 4 276

By Myboyfriendisaromanticslob - 10/03/2011 05:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend set up a very romantic dinner. Afterwards, he offered to wash the dishes while I went upstairs and relaxed. His way of washing the dishes was to scrape all the food off, then wipe the juices off the dishes with a paper towel before putting them back in the cupboards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 340

You deserved it 6 450

Wrong number

By Hth - 08/11/2008 01:07 - United States

Today, for the 25th time, some Indian dude called my cell phone asking for 'Pinkie'. I don't know who the hell Pinkie is, but I don't appreciate people calling wrong numbers while I'm having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 550

You deserved it 9 712

Who's the worst?

By good mom - 05/11/2019 19:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, despite the fact that I own my home, car and have a career, I was once again told that I’ve shamed my family by being a single mom. Meanwhile, my brother has four kids with three different women and constantly hits up every family member for money. He gets nothing but just support. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 115

You deserved it 168

By shiftybizniss - 16/04/2009 18:43 - Canada

Today, I tried to sneak up on my girlfriend who was sitting in her car with one of her girlfriends. I snuck up to the driver's side window and tried to startle her by banging on the window. The window was down. My thumb went right in her eye. She has to wear a patch for 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 166

You deserved it 69 231

By PaePae - 14/06/2019 21:31 - United States - Columbia

Today, I found out that I'm sensitive to the NuvaRing. It felt like I was a buffet for fire ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 625

You deserved it 143

By Anonymous - 19/01/2016 12:43 - Canada - Bedford

Today, I entered the bathroom to discover that my brother had left semen and filthy water all over the floor and counter. I confronted him and demanded that he clean it up. My parents heard, sighed, and sent me back into the bathroom to clean it up myself. The towel was soaked too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 763

You deserved it 1 520

By Anonymous - 30/05/2015 10:59 - United Kingdom

Today, tears and 3 hours on the toilet have made me reevaluate my desire for new culinary experiences. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 835

You deserved it 2 789

By really? - 28/05/2013 08:09 - United States - Highland

Today, I was stuck home with a cold when my boyfriend's best friend sent me a text saying, "You doing alright?" I replied, thinking he was talking about my health. He replied, "I'm surprised you're taking the breakup so well." What breakup? Mine. He was ten minutes too soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 711

You deserved it 3 438

By Anonymous - 26/02/2014 07:18 - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that the little arrow next to my gas gauge actually points to the side of the car where the tank is. For the past year-and-a-half I've been sticking my head out the window and even calling my parents to ask which side it was on, because I can never remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 243

You deserved it 51 181

By öKANEö - 02/02/2018 08:00 - United States - San Marcos

Today, during class, a student began arguing with my Algebra II teacher about whether or not water is wet. The student became so frustrated he threw a stapler across the room. Guess who got hit in the head and is currently bleeding pints in the nurse's office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 732

You deserved it 248

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Top comments

Jimminee 3

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:07

you must have an extremely large nostril.

max_wilder 9

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:07

why would you want a closer look?

Jimminee 3

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:07

you must have an extremely large nostril.

TookaWooka666 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:22

Should of double tapped it's insect ass.

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:26

this is only the begging, soon the bugs are gonna take over. I warned you all but you didn't listen *maniacal laughter*

Goldenchest 14

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Monday 16 May 2011 13:24

No.

thatbitch99 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 13:25

The OP (Of the FML) Totally deserved this. Everyone knows not to do those kinds of insane stunts around bugs.

FNFPhilly 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 13:48

I wonder if that BUGged you OP

Tcaret300 12

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Monday 16 May 2011 13:49

HAHA Not really funny..

zendaddy0 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 14:30

yah what's all the BUZZ about

rallets 22

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Monday 16 May 2011 16:08

he wanted a closer look because he was nosey :P

mattmadden 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 21:41

No the Chinese are gonna take over.

thatbitch99 0

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 0:01

Why would anyone do a crazy stunt like that? YDI.

This2Rudy 7

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 3:40

you always double tap, op, have you seen zombieland?

staceysgenesis16 0

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 6:13

you should have made sure it was dead! smash that bitch twice.

robotiick 12

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 12:39

I triple tap dem bitches

max_wilder 9

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:07

why would you want a closer look?

jacobepaps12345 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 13:54

to enjoy the look of the splattered bug and all the guts ... or is it just me who does that ...

PurpleRae420 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 14:01

To maybe see what kind of bug it was lol I'm guessing it wasn't poisonious otherwise how would you be writing this FML if you were dead!

Hayman68 4

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Monday 16 May 2011 15:01

because OP was a girl and she thought she finally did something useful besides making a sandwich.

iSitt 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 16:38

it was the dreaded Snot Bugger. it drills into your brain then makes your crawl into the sewer.

metfanatic1986 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:08

stomp twice everytime! lol

GrooveSponge 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 14:49

Yeah haha! It's like killing a zombie. Ever heard of "double-tap"?

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Monday 16 May 2011 15:15

BUG: 1 OP: 0 Will there be a grudge match?! Let's find out...

Livinia 11

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:08

Haha, smart bug :)

bodmonontheblock 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 17:34

hot lady

DaiCarmuhh 6

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:10

Sticky situation you there

HubertPL 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 13:12

it must have really been bugging him ;)

dannyboy66 7

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:11

all i see is u like fuck yea start eyeing the bug then it flys up and gos into your nostril yelling fucker

tommyboy101 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 16:56

haha fucking awesome comment man haahahahaha lol

FunnyGuy5051 7

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:12

pour water down Ur nose

iLazy 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:42

That or sniff some drugs so he either dies or HIIIGH

Pownzeez 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 18:38

arent you the genius.

kyanisaurus 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:13

slimy booger

Nikkitaria 9

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:15

That's awful. I hate when I'm going to bed and I hear a mosquito buzzing near me. You just know you'll wake up with a swollen face.

xDeathAbove 2

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Monday 16 May 2011 12:16

now snort some meth to make bug get high, sooner or later it will fly out

metfanatic1986 0

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Tuesday 17 May 2011 3:56

yeah. that'll help the problem!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 76

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 86

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