Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend excitedly showed me his new juicer, and used...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 6

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 466

You deserved it 124

26/09/2012 18:46

Today, my boyfriend excitedly showed me his new juicer, and used up all the fruit in the house making new concoctions. It was adorable until later on, in the middle of getting frisky, he asked if we could go to the grocery store to buy more fruit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 391

You deserved it 3 360

Intimacy

Batman

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Empathy lives

26/11/2008 06:18

Today, I put my hand up in class. I forgot that I hadn't shaved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 739

You deserved it 46 472

06/05/2018 06:00

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to jump out from behind the bedroom door to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. I slipped and broke two ribs when I hit the ground. Instead of a sexy birthday evening, he got to take me to hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 382

You deserved it 1 370

28/01/2013 01:08

Today, at 24, I still can't grow a single bit of facial hair. Well, at least not on the right side of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 313

You deserved it 2 404

Nice way to go, really

By motorboatofdoom - 30/03/2020 05:00

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is terrified of me seeing her sex faces, so she violently squished my face between her boobs during sex. I then had a severe asthma attack because I couldn't breathe properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 057

You deserved it 265

Lazy comeback

By Anonymous - 17/07/2020 02:01

Today, I was doing my job and trying to teach a lazy bunch of 16-year-olds. A girl entered the room just 15 minutes before class ended, so I snapped, "Someone had better have died for you to be this late!" She immediately burst into tears. Turns out, someone had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 682

You deserved it 2 530

Doggy dog world

By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 10:02

Today, I reached down to pet an elderly man's dog. It jumped up and utterly mauled my face, drawing blood. As I gasped in shock and pain, the man said, "Careful, he likes to scratch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 144

You deserved it 11 179

24/09/2009 11:25

Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 940

You deserved it 4 003

Exciting

By Anonymous - 23/07/2021 11:01

Today, I had a crucial volleyball playoff game. My dad came to watch. While in a set, my friend pointed over to the bench where my dad was sitting. I turned to see my dad snoring loudly as a result of him falling asleep. He achieved this with loudly cheering people all around him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 809

You deserved it 74

New urinal

By fml9124 - 21/12/2019 05:00

Today, my wife caught our six-year-old son peeing in the bathroom sink. He pulled his little stool up in front, that he uses to brush his teeth, and was peeing in the sink. When we asked why, he said that he wanted to pee like a man, "like we do at football games." My son is using our bathroom sink like a urinal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 731

You deserved it 295

28/12/2012 03:06

Today, after having sex for the first time with my girlfriend, I realised I was in love with her. I noticed she had an eyelash on her breast. After tugging it a few times I realised it was actually a single black nipple hair. She was so embarrassed, she kicked me out and now won't return my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 282

You deserved it 27 321

29/01/2012 19:10

Today, my girlfriend started a month-long period of not talking to me. One of her male friends, who is a self-styled astrologist, told her there are "bad omens" in our relationship for the coming weeks. I don't know if I should dump her for being gullible or just plain stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 342

You deserved it 3 745

01/08/2013 18:25

Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk and causing a big scene in front of our customers. I was laughing because he'd forwarded me a hilarious email. He was practically smirking as he handed me my official warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 657

You deserved it 4 515

20/05/2009 19:53

Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a Mars bar. I said that would be great and she threw one at me, catching me off guard. The Mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 472

You deserved it 7 476

07/06/2012 17:41

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 036

You deserved it 6 675

11/01/2012 01:32

Today, I told a co-worker to "lighten up, and stop wearing black all the time, it makes you look depressed." I didn't know his father had died the week before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 298

You deserved it 41 643

22/03/2009 16:39

Today, I got my laptop back after sending it to Dell to repair water damage after a night of partying. Dell returned my computer unrepaired, saying it was unfixable. When I called to ask why they couldn't fix it, they told me it was a biohazard. Someone got drunk and pissed on my laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 226

You deserved it 23 502

30/01/2010 20:54

Today, I was rushed to the hospital because I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Why was I crying? My favorite anime character died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 608

You deserved it 83 122

02/10/2013 23:16

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me because I slept on the couch last night. She also seems to have forgotten that we had an argument last night, after which she stormed into our bedroom and locked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 906

You deserved it 3 170

22/10/2014 20:55

Today, I got in an argument with my teacher for always comparing me to my sister that she had a few years before. After I said, "I'm not my sister so please stop comparing me to her," she responded, "Of course you're not your sister, I actually like your sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 164

You deserved it 5 746

21/09/2013 15:09

Today, while having sex with my wife, my Candy Crush addiction hit me full force, and all I could do was think about possible moves I could make in the level I'm stuck on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 349

You deserved it 50 904

04/09/2013 01:32

Today, my loneliness reached a new level when I befriended the fly in my apartment, Mr. Stickyfoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 399

You deserved it 7 055

18/02/2009 05:08

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 427

You deserved it 3 320

29/04/2009 04:13

Today, as I was picking up my 7 year old daughter at my ex husband's house my daughter started crying saying that she wanted to stay with daddy forever. I asked why. She said her stepmom was a better mommy. Apparently the woman who broke up my marriage is now a better "mommy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 103 002

You deserved it 9 127

03/06/2009 05:40

Today, at my graduation for my high school GED, my parents said they were getting all my family and my girlfriend together. So we all went out to a steakhouse down the road, everyone ordered steaks. Turns out the 'surprise' was me paying. I only got 50$ grad money, and the bill was 159.98. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 760

You deserved it 5 004

15/10/2010 16:40

Today, I discovered my boyfriend's family approves of me, not because I'm friendly and intelligent, but because I'm an adequate addition to their gene pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 465

You deserved it 4 372

26/02/2015 16:18

Today, my mom told me she'd canceled my spring break trip to Europe for my 16th birthday. Why? So I could get my wisdom teeth pulled 2 months early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 012

You deserved it 5 245

02/12/2009 07:14

Today, at work, I was forced to listen to the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers Christmas album on repeat for 8 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 502

You deserved it 4 231

Timing is everything

By unluckypanda - 03/07/2021 16:04

Today, I had a photoshoot planned weeks ago, getting one of the last coveted spots. My boyfriend couldn’t even show up on time. It was a sunrise shoot. We arrived once the sun had been up for 25 mins already. He wondered "what the big deal is?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 828

You deserved it 171

02/04/2015 12:20

Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend when we came across the most beautiful piece of Japanese furniture. When I inspected it closely, my boyfriend started laughing. Turns out I was making the same noise I make when I orgasm in reaction to a piece of furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 721

You deserved it 4 803

14/10/2018 03:00

Today, I actually said the words "yes, a blowjob from a guy is still cheating" to my husband. I never thought that would be a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 374

You deserved it 284

19/02/2012 09:15

Today, I felt sorry for the weird chick at work that everybody avoids and decided to initiate a conversation with her. She interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me about her vaginal odor problems, before shoving her hand into my chip packet and inviting herself to dinner at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 820

You deserved it 8 521

05/07/2016 19:09

Today, I was using the short urinal when I heard someone say, "Ahem!" in a loud voice. I looked back to see an angry little kid. He made me switch urinals so he could use the short one. I got urinal-evicted by a little boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 246

You deserved it 6 843

02/09/2010 17:39

Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 677

You deserved it 3 851

11/02/2009 14:08

Today, having just told me what a great job I've been doing and how he'd really like to start giving me some more responsibility, my boss asked me if I'd sharpen a couple of pencils for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 666

You deserved it 2 754

02/02/2015 19:34

Today, my boyfriend "accidentally" had sex with my roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 714

You deserved it 4 280

10/06/2009 17:35

Today, I checked facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 964

You deserved it 4 417

15/03/2011 09:23

Today, I found out why my boyfriend wouldn't let me move into his new apartment with him. It turns out his other girlfriend had already moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 193

You deserved it 4 848

05/05/2012 07:08

Today, it was my wedding. Everyone showed up, except my fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 236

You deserved it 3 205

02/02/2013 23:03

Today, I went to a club with my girlfriend and her buddies. An hour in, I saw her making out with a guy on the dance floor, so I confronted her. She stormed off to the bar and said something to her friend, who then came over and angrily slapped me across the face. Yeah, I'm confused too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 170

You deserved it 3 759

26/04/2009 12:35

Today, I woke to find my boyfriend of 2 years gone. I saw my little sister's talking bear at the bottom of my bed, it said "squeeze me" so I squeezed it and it said "it's over." It was my boyfriends voice. I was dumped by a talking bear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 105

You deserved it 4 890

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Top comments

redhedsaysrawr 18

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:09

Your love life sounds like something from a TV show...

DomDomxoxo 16

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:10

Maybe he wants to eat it off your lady-parts (:

Comments

redhedsaysrawr 18

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:09

Your love life sounds like something from a TV show...

mooleelee 0

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:29

Let the puns commence!

RaggleFrock 13

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:36

He was getting fruity with you for sure.

RaggleFrock 13

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:36

He was getting fruity with you for sure.

ghirahim 5

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Thursday 27 September 2012 1:11

He wanted to put his banana in your avocado and make some juice!...no? Okay...back to my hole.

Snazzy_Snaz 17

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Thursday 27 September 2012 1:30

He wanted to peel you to reveal what's hiding underneath.

JustDerpin 11

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Thursday 27 September 2012 1:32

Maybe this is the same OP from the FML when OP's boyfriend just wanted to cuddle

perdix 29

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Thursday 27 September 2012 5:13

Every time you have an orgasm, he says, "But, wait, there's more!"

Welshite 39

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Thursday 27 September 2012 5:44

Old FML reference. Kudos And that's not all; it slices AND it dices. ;) Edit: Ugh, that was pretty weak.

BeachBoi_Alex 7

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Thursday 27 September 2012 13:47

Sounds like he's the fruit :S

Karalela44 15

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Thursday 27 September 2012 21:12

Lol and they did xD

weownthenightsom 4

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:09

...and?

DomDomxoxo 16

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:10

Maybe he wants to eat it off your lady-parts (:

ihatethesenamez 6

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Thursday 27 September 2012 1:20

There will always be sex but will there always be juicers?

boating_guy 33

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Thursday 27 September 2012 3:00

yeah...I've heard mangos are a good choice. just saying ;)

KrazieKleo 13

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Thursday 27 September 2012 3:35

Mangoes?? I was thinking melons, bananas, cucumbers and such fruits.

YourBuddyElmo 5

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Thursday 27 September 2012 5:29

Good for smoothies, bad for dry-humping?

PipingMouse 14

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Thursday 27 September 2012 14:34

Mangoes? That shit burns!

_Could_Be_Worse 11

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Tuesday 26 May 2015 21:50

No, that's a bad idea, because the sugar in the fruit can cause a yeast infection.

GothickNihilist 15

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:10

Was it a Jack LaLaine juicer? If so it's totally worth it!

walmartpaysme 15

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:12

Hmm, well they say there's a fetish for everything. Maybe he really really likes fruit.

greenie213 23

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:13

Get him a bunch of tomatoes.

DKjazz 20

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Thursday 27 September 2012 2:46

Ooh homemade V8. Very interesting.

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

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Friday 28 September 2012 3:30

Tomato Fruit or Veggie

IAmJad 18

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:14

Fruit fetish.

RaveBlade 4

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:14

Let him be with his fantasies then :)

nevershoutkendal_fml 10

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:14

Some people have foot fetishes. Others like fruit. Do bananas turn you on?

TheOrangeProon 13

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:46

No, bananas just make me feel inadequate... ):

tmaq973 7

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Thursday 27 September 2012 1:04

Your picture makes you look like you are truly saddened by bananas. +1 to you!

Welshite 39

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Thursday 27 September 2012 0:14

Make him juice beets. I've heard they're good for stamina. ;)