Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

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Dangling modifier

British Broadcasting Corporation

Headache

By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 04:09

Today, I walked in on my son flopping around on the floor with a blanket wrapped around his legs. Apparently at age 22, he'd rather pretend to be a mermaid than go out and get a damn job. FML

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By GaymerLink - 12/8/2018 23:30

Today, my boss reprimanded me for not meeting my sales goals and is sending me to a two week training program. I don’t work in sales. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2015 10:58 - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, my mom and I went to catch our flight to Jamaica. She ended up being detained and questioned, because she packed hairspray, shampoo, drinks, basically half the shit you're not allowed to have in your luggage. We missed our flight. FML

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By hushed - 30/8/2017 15:14 - Canada - Leduc

Everyone's A Critic

Today, I was hushed in a theatre during a play. I would normally appreciate a discreet silencing in the audience, but I was saying my lines. FML

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By DrunkPeopleSuck - 19/7/2019 16:00

Today, a customer at the bar I work at yelled at me for calling her "Ma'am." I asked what she'd prefer, and she gave me her name. When I called her by her name, she yelled at me for not calling her "Ma'am." FML

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By mustanggt - 10/7/2012 15:39 - United States - La Porte

Today, I was in traffic court trying to get out of a ticket. The judge called my defense "complete, unadulterated bullshit." FML

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By anon - 3/2/2015 07:50 - United States - Bloomington

Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML

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By notsolucky - 28/8/2013 21:47 - United States - Stamford

Today, I won a lottery at my local grocery store. Excited, I went to claim my prize, only to discover it was a bottle of red wine. I'm a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2010 23:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my younger sister had maxed out all three of my credit cards when I tried all three of the cards, and realized that I didn't have $5.29 to buy tampons and Advil. FML

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By anonymous - 8/1/2012 12:24 - United States

Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML

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By Gabriela - 23/11/2011 01:00

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he farted. He blamed it on a "nearby frog." FML

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By ch4nny - 29/8/2014 01:47 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML

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By starley - 13/8/2010 09:11 - United States

Today, my husband of 3 years, who I have a 1 year old daughter with, told me he wants a divorce, but who knows, maybe in the future we can "date." FML

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By makeupsex - 14/2/2012 11:25 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he put me through so much heartache last year was because the make-up sex was awesome. FML

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By sadlife - 9/7/2009 18:50 - Canada

Today, I opened my lunch in front of my friends at university. I had a note in my lunch from my mother that said "Have a good day sweetie! - Love mom". I wrote that note, and put it in my lunch to impress my friends. FML

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By myfamilyisodd - 15/10/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML

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By quietdown - 30/5/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I began to choke on a large pill while my mom was in the room. Hoping that she would help me, I began to make a lot of noise. After she completely ignored me, I threw my body over a chair, saving my life. At this point my mother asks me to shut up because she can't hear her friend. FML

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By glorified taxi driver - 11/6/2020 20:08

Capitalism kills

Today, after starting a new job, having two ovarian cysts rupture and been in and out of the hospital twice in a week, I'd been told that I couldn't work, needed surgery, and could lose my ovary. I’m 23. I was told that my job was secure and not to worry. I received my termination letter. FML

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By Username - 29/10/2010 23:15 - France

Today, I was out eating lunch with my parents when my mom complained that I eat too quickly and don't thoroughly chew my food. My dad exclaimed, "That's because she swallows!" FML

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By no paedo - 11/3/2016 20:35 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be funny to change my ringtone to some guy crooning "Thank heaven for little girls" and then call me during today's teacher-parent conference. FML

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By meme71 - 21/2/2011 10:22

Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 14:00

Hangover

Today, I got really sick after drinking a lot of alcohol and started throwing up. Every time I threw up into the toilet, the water would splash back up into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2019 16:00

Today, after barely sleeping all week, I tried some ASMR videos to help me fall asleep. Both my dogs and my husband are out cold, snoring so loud I can't even hear the ASMR. FML

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By anon - 22/2/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, I got fired from a great baby sitting job because the little girl said I was boring. FML

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By haley - 16/11/2018 14:00

Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML

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By englishtrio - 18/4/2009 06:45 - United States

Today, after finally giving up on the search for my lost dog, I realized that my neighbors had found her and are convinced that she was a stray. They won't give her up and are now mad at me for trying to take my own dog back. FML

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By theuglyone - 14/11/2016 19:40 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

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By marie519 - 9/1/2012 00:59 - United States

Today, after having watched a scare story on the news about heart disease, my mom is now insisting that we have daily, hour-long, family yoga sessions together. I have a job, and barely have enough time to do my homework as it is. I'm going to be grounded if I don't take part. FML

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By Female - 12/2/2010 03:32 - United States

Today, I went to a conference for work. When I got there I sat beside a woman about my age. She immediately got up and moved to the opposite side of the room. We were the only two there. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2011 08:40 - Austria

Today, the whole family came together to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. My grandfather read a poem he'd written about how he had taken my grandmother's virginity 60 years ago. It went on for about 30 minutes. FML

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By Sonic - 29/3/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss left a lovely invitation to her wedding on my desk. I plan on resigning during our meeting later today. FML

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By 9gingerface66 - 15/1/2012 06:29 - United States

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2014 20:30 - United States - Randallstown

Today, I was randomly selected for a pat-down while at the airport. Being from the south, I said thanks out of pure habit. The guy replied, "No sir, thank YOU." and winked. FML

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By Jenny - 31/3/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML

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By hannahlorraine - 25/11/2011 03:12 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my very drunken mother came home. She then barged into the shower with me, still completely clothed, and gave me the longest, most awkward hug of a lifetime. After she left me still in shock, she came back and did it again. FML

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By burrrito_ - 4/11/2016 00:39 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I found out why you depressurize your espresso maker before changing out the coffee grinds. FML

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By the_dog_sitter - 13/3/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I was walking my friend's dog around the neighborhood, as I was walking I noticed a little girl fall off her bike. I let go of the dog and ran over to help. The girl was ok but the dog ran into the street and got hit by a truck. FML

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By Annienomous - 9/10/2015 06:44 - United States - Marion

Today, I witnessed a man die from a heart attack. When I told my dad later, he said "Lose some weight or you'll be next." FML

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By spaghett - 29/8/2016 20:32 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after jumping into a public swimming pool, the female lifeguard, who I have had a crush on for years whistled at me. When I got out of the water, she handed me the bathing suit I'd apparently lost. FML

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By Jodie Zawadzka - 20/10/2017 06:00

Today, Hurricane Ophelia hit. I had been meaning to fix my roof for a while but couldn't get around to it. My roof is now embedded in my car. FML

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Top comments

By kindlystfupls | 0

#1847396 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:01

gotta love Creeper Clause.. FYL. go take a shower and scrub away as much dirty as you can!
lol

By Jimboom | 11

#1847503 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:22

Lol. Creeper Santa has got some awesome lines.

Can't blame him though. It is after all Santa's MO to go around emptying his sack down your chimney. ;-)

COMMENTS

By kindlystfupls | 0

#1847396 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:01

gotta love Creeper Clause.. FYL. go take a shower and scrub away as much dirty as you can!
lol

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1847575 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:40

Wow I think i have a new hero, you should of agreed just imagine the perks of being mrs clause

Reply

Lounia_fml | 8

#1847682 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 13:30

YOU'RE ON MY LIST, HO HO HO!

Reply

Notimetobleed | 13

#1848245 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:51

Santas spending too much time with the hoe hoe hoes and not enough time making presents for little 12 year old children :(

Reply

Notimetobleed | 13

#1848247 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:53

Santas spending too much time with the hoe hoe hoes and not enough time making presents for little 12 year old children :(

Reply

ryanst | 7

#1851941 - Thursday 16 December 2010 6:09

You better not shout, You better not cry, You better watch out, I'm tellin' you why. Santa claus is grabbing your ass.

Reply

lalagirl912 | 0

#1851944 - Thursday 16 December 2010 6:10

8 year old*
not 12.. well usually not 12. alot of 12 year olds(sister) don't even ask for presents anymore o.O neither or her friends, but they are more mature in the groups. I would still ask for something to >.>
8 year olds just makes more sense. (I'm about to be hated on..)

Reply

Mubus | 0

#1852742 - Thursday 16 December 2010 9:45

well for that Santa hoes before bros.

Reply

chadkind | 0

#1852969 - Thursday 16 December 2010 11:25

and latter you found out it was your hillbilly brother/boyfriend bahahaha

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#1853352 - Thursday 16 December 2010 13:52

WTH?

Reply

Notimetobleed | 13

#1854596 - Thursday 16 December 2010 20:09

lalagirl, tell your sister to believe in Santa clause (one extra gift a year, who wouldn't take that chance?)

Reply

rachelmacivor | 0

#2306600 - Thursday 7 April 2011 2:49

where are all the pedosantas around here? ;D

Reply

CameronJak | 0

#2500312 - Friday 13 May 2011 3:26

more like your on my ho ho ho list

By PSQ91 | 6

#1847475 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:11

Christmas eve's gonna be sucky :)

Reply

babyyappld | 7

#1847609 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:48

yeah sleep with one eye open or he might come down your chimney ;)

Reply

Lounia_fml | 8

#1847824 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 13:45

You're my HO! HO! HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Reply

Lounia_fml | 8

#1847829 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 13:47

You're my HO! HO! HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Reply

rgermain | 0

#1847949 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 14:28

best.Santa.ever

Reply

almighty_zer | 5

#1849429 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 23:20

no need to say oops

Reply

iluffmcrandbvb | 1

#2200008 - Friday 18 March 2011 17:31

2 is rlly cuteee

Reply

bestnameright | 14

#4997702 - Wednesday 3 October 2012 1:58

Just because it doesn't seem like you guys got it he was making a pun I think.

By chocchipcookies | 0

#1847481 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

stuffhappens223 | 7

#3823926 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 10:18

Idiot

Reply

pedosmurf | 7

#4109483 - Thursday 1 March 2012 7:13

He touching you once he's touching you again santas coming to town..... To touch you skin flute solo!

By jewban | 3

#1847497 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:22

LOL you like it bitch don't you

Reply

jrad1982 | 0

#1848127 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 15:29

that's hot lol

Reply

goldenone | 2

#1854496 - Thursday 16 December 2010 19:23

you're a bitch. I hope you get punched in the chest

Reply

shay224ah | 5

#1856402 - Friday 17 December 2010 9:45

jingle balls!

By Jimboom | 11

#1847503 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:22

Lol. Creeper Santa has got some awesome lines.

Can't blame him though. It is after all Santa's MO to go around emptying his sack down your chimney. ;-)

Reply

yourlifesfucked | 0

#1847860 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 14:01

Holy shit that just ruined FMA for me. I just read that in Alfonse' voice =(.

Reply

MidnightBlossom | 2

#1851795 - Thursday 16 December 2010 5:13

I think you need to lay off on the alchemy...

By adi2 | 0

#1847545 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:31

celebrate this Xmas, perv style...

Reply

frozzenhart | 0

#1848121 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 15:26

the wrong one rofl .

By felipe87 | 2

#1847572 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:47

should have called the cops on the bad Santa

Reply

hollyjeez | 0

#1852190 - Thursday 16 December 2010 7:35

that's a good movie

By Diplomatz | 0

#1847580 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:47

Get more ugly.

Reply

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2105985 - Monday 21 February 2011 5:06

haha

By Jester7 | 0

#1847601 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:48

that's awesome, I bet he has fun doing that stuff

By papaya_master | 4

#1847624 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 12:52

Sounds horrid. Sorry to hear that!