Intimacy: Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held...

By HOe HOe HOe - 02/11/2011 02:36 - United States

Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 967

You deserved it 16 208

Intimacy

Batman

Taking stock

Kids these days…

Asshole

By Anonymous - 25/01/2014 19:11 - United States - Salida

Today, I went back to work after a horrible bout of respiratory illness. After a few hours of using hot tea, cough drops, and tissues to deal with my lingering cough, I found out that my asshole coworker has filed a formal complaint about me disrupting her concentration. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 028

You deserved it 4 264

By be_so_slick_56 - 16/01/2010 17:51 - United States

Today, I found on the internet pictures of me sleeping. I sleep naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 115

You deserved it 7 815

By snidpea - 31/01/2010 17:07 - France

Today, I sprained my ankle while playing soccer. I still have to walk home. In the rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 001

You deserved it 3 471

Cute trick, asshole

By newly single teetotaler - 23/10/2020 23:01

Today, the guy I've been seeing decided to "test the theory" that I can't drink alcohol due to a liver condition by mixing some into my drinks. He then complained that my ceaseless vomiting made his bathroom smell bad, and only took me to hospital when I started having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 935

You deserved it 307

Red alert

By nobleach - 02/07/2009 14:05 - United States

Today, I was going to bleach my bikini line, as I have not been able to shave there due to some ingrown hairs, and I also have to lifeguard every day. As it turns out, I'm allergic to the bleach. There is now an angry red, burning rash on my crotch that you can see around my swimsuit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 570

You deserved it 13 941

Fortunate Son

By Anonymous - 03/05/2012 23:35 - United States - Wichita

Today, I had a look at the pictures my mom took during my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Every single one is of my sister. Her lighting the candles, her watching me open presents, and her eating cake. The only pictures of me are in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 863

You deserved it 1 952

By Jaybird1587 - 03/08/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, I was just about to get in the shower, when I heard a loud crunch. I thought to myself, boy the neighbours next door must be doing some heavy construction. Two seconds after that thought, my brother knocked on the door to inform me that the neighbours tree had just fallen on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 937

You deserved it 2 478

By Unlucky - 04/09/2018 14:30

Today, I received a bill from PayPal stating I owe $350 for an account that's linked to an email that I haven't used since 2015. I can't get into the account because someone hacked it and changed the password and security questions. Customer support is no help because I have no info about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 766

You deserved it 218

Rat Race

By mcd - 05/10/2020 08:01 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, at work, a man punched me in the face because he said I took his son's job. He meant both me and his son applied for the same job. He also asked to speak to my boss, because he thinks I "cheated." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 258

You deserved it 61

By Anonymous - 21/06/2009 08:50 - Australia

Today, I was talking with my mother and expressed my slight disappointment at how many of my friends are getting into relationships, whereas I'm still single. My mother decided to encourage me by saying "Don't worry, sweetie. There are boys out there who don't go for looks. You'll be fine". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 137

You deserved it 4 005

By Bookworm - 05/06/2013 17:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 858

You deserved it 4 380

By soconfused - 03/03/2015 10:15 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I have been at my new job for almost a month and still have no idea what I'm doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 282

You deserved it 11 483

By Anonymous - 25/02/2013 05:44 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I came home from a rough day working two jobs to find a plate of cookies on my desk with a note from my roommates saying, "You deserve it!" I happily broke one in half to eat and discovered they contained coconut. I'm allergic to coconut, a fact both of my roommates are aware of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 404

You deserved it 3 721

Fuzzy perception

By opinaise - 02/08/2012 13:00 - France - Toulouse

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her usual moaning, "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at this egg, it makes me want to throw up… It's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 206

You deserved it 3 991

By Anonymous - 08/03/2019 12:00

Today, my teacher told me that unless I went into medicine, math, or engineering, I would never amount to anything in life. This wasn't even two minutes after I told him I want to be an author. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 984

You deserved it 368

By shit - 13/05/2010 21:00 - United States

Today, I accidentally rear-ended an undercover police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 930

You deserved it 13 728

By DidntCheckTheCalendar - 03/12/2009 22:29 - Kuwait

Today, I hired a professional makeup artist to apply my makeup for a wedding. After paying her $500 for the excellent job she does, and getting dressed, I grabbed the invitation to check out the address, and it said the wedding was on December 2. Today is December 3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 771

You deserved it 60 517

By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 14:49 - United States - Clemmons

Today, I had to explain to my pregnant friend that her plan to get drunk and get a tattoo needed to wait at least 8 months. She then went out for a smoke to calm down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 576

You deserved it 4 216

By Anonymous - 20/04/2016 10:04 - Australia - Brunswick

Today, I ran into a new guy at work who told me the regional manager was visiting today to evaluate the staff. I scoffed and said that everything I'd heard about the manager made him seem like a total prick. His reply? "Maybe, but I'm a prick who can FIRE people." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 276

You deserved it 27 052

Size Queen

By Anonymous - 11/11/2019 05:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 012

You deserved it 14 792

By Anonymous - 06/04/2017 18:00

Today, I had to stop on a long trip to use the restroom at a gas station. Apparently, there was water damage beneath the toilet, because after about two minutes of doing my business, it collapsed about seven inches beneath the floor. Guess who got covered in water, black mold, and poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 856

You deserved it 375

There's insane and then there's this guy

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 08:00

Today, my idiot boss, who says he used to be an EMT, thinks that all safety precautions in the company COVID-19 response memo and everything we’ve heard from the WHO and CDC is bull and removed the gloves from everyone’s truck. We’re a plumbing and drain company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 117

You deserved it 100

By Anonymous - 09/06/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend left me after I'd been supporting him for 9 months while he "finds himself." Why? Because I wanted to go grocery shopping instead of him eating out every day with my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 956

You deserved it 320

By Anonymous - 01/09/2018 18:30

Today, I spent $50 buying flea bombs so not only my dogs, but my son could relax a little in my home instead of fighting off those tiny little circus bastards. Today, I got in my car and the fleas attacked me mercilessly until I got to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 590

You deserved it 402

By ClumsyBarista - 20/12/2016 05:04 - United States - Springfield

Today, while serving a line of ten customers by myself at the coffee shop I work at, I knocked over a cup of steaming hot milk and it went all over the coffee bar, espresso machine, floor, and myself. I then had to act like everything was fine and make a line of drinks with milk everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 929

You deserved it 1 035

By Anonymous - 19/01/2012 14:17 - Canada

Today, there was a big snow storm and I wanted to help shovel, so I put on 3 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of pants, 2 winter coats, 2 pairs of gloves, a hat and a scarf. Once outside, I was told to go back inside because the job was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 024

You deserved it 32 945

Unforgettable

By Edward - 09/12/2021 13:59

Today, I realized that since I was in elementary school, my friends, my workmates, and even my family, all call me accidentally by someone else's name instead of my actual name. I'm 30 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 743

You deserved it 119

By CA19oo - 20/03/2012 01:03 - United States - Buford

Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 684

You deserved it 2 062

By MsAnonymous17 - 26/05/2013 23:20 - United States

Today, my step-dad was talking about how he was raised in Las Vegas, telling stories about him and his buddies, until he stopped, looked right at my mom and said, "Find her, feed her, f*ck her, forget her. But I never forgot your mom, that's how I stole her from your dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 241

You deserved it 4 136

By Anonymous - 26/06/2013 17:51 - United States - State College

Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 854

You deserved it 4 083

By CandlesSuck - 02/11/2009 03:44 - Canada

Today, I invited my girlfriend to come over, telling her I had a surprise. I filled the bathtub and lit a lot of candles to be romantic. She gets here, and we start doing our thing. Until we smell something burning. It was my hair. I now have a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 786

You deserved it 29 278

By Anonymous - 16/12/2018 12:30

My long-distance partner came to visit me for the weekend. When he arrived he seemed moody and tired, and refused any kind of physical contact. Upset, I asked him what was wrong. Turns out he's mad for coming to see me because I've put on weight, making the trip a waste of his time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 559

You deserved it 450

By Anonymous - 23/05/2013 17:48 - Romania - Buzau

Today, I heard my grandma sobbing in her room. After finally convincing her to tell me what was wrong, she confessed to watching a porn video last night. She thinks not being able to sleep afterwards is a sign that God is punishing her, and that she's damned our family to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 502

You deserved it 3 418

By NOOOOOO - 16/08/2015 23:18 - United States

Today, my only pair of shoes that I brought got stolen at the airport while I was being checked by security. I'm now stuck 1000 miles from home with no shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 091

You deserved it 2 465

By teaspoonzz - 25/10/2017 15:00

Today, I walked into the ladies' bathroom to find my male boss taking a dump with the stall door wide open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 547

You deserved it 267

By Anonymous - 20/08/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, it was my first day of school as a freshman. I soon became lost and decided to ask a senior for directions to my class. They smiled at me and said "It's on the third floor to the right." After ten minutes of walking up and down stairs and hallways, I discovered there is no third floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 451

You deserved it 20 922

By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 21:57 - United States - Stillwater

Today, I was taken to the principal's office and bitched out about the dangerous weapon I brought to school. The "weapon" was a pocket fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 824

You deserved it 3 198

By Noname - 07/02/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. So I said 'yeah I was funny huh?' She replied 'Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 503

You deserved it 2 628

By really?? - 02/06/2014 07:33 - United States - Dinuba

Today, my boyfriend's mother hung a picture of him and his ex-girlfriend up. We've been together for 3 years now. Guess she really does hate me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 706

You deserved it 4 113

By atsukobo - 10/03/2012 06:04 - United States

Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 608

You deserved it 4 815

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Top comments

hahachun 4

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

Yes Santa?!! Hahahahaha

ollie179 21

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

No presents for him.

hahachun 4

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

Yes Santa?!! Hahahahaha

Eskeddit 5

Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:16

Role-playing as the Kringles is the best!

helloello 2

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:32

Seemed like a pretty bland joke to be goin this crazy over...

ChaeRi 3

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:50

You know what you should do now. Wear your fake beard and colour his nose red and ride him. Rudolf the red nosed reindeer~

sirbrainiac 2

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:22

love OP's username.

superjewwwwww 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:28

Look at the persons name who wrote this fml, lmao

EvilPotato 14

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 12:28

It would've been funny if you said in a Santa Claus accent "well then you need to be spanked, no presents for you."

gojira666 7

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 15:15

No, that would not have been funny.

LoveLateNights 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 16:34

Something tells me he sat on Santas lap one to many times when he was younger!

ducttapewallet 7

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 18:57

Missed opportunities. Tsk, tsk.

hollisterfreak52 1

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 22:26

Someones getting coal!! :p

The_Troller 14

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 22:29

Here's where you're supposed to sit on his lap and ask him what he wants you to give him.

fat1239 4

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Thursday 3 November 2011 1:00

Read ur profile fucking hilarious

Blissfull_Sin 7

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Thursday 3 November 2011 2:37

Lmao that's classic lol sorry but that was too funny

caino 3

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Thursday 3 November 2011 3:13

Awesome!!!!

TheClumsiest 0

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Thursday 3 November 2011 3:19

LOL. your boyfriend is awesome.

ILUVMSC 5

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Friday 4 November 2011 5:35

Ha that's cute :)

ollie179 21

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

No presents for him.

bhangu023 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:46

I think you supposed to say "I've been a bad girl"

bhangu023 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:48

Your*

WillTay 8

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:25

*You're

xlord 27

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:36

A grammar nazi who is correcting a grammar nazi who is correcting someone who made one mistake. Well... You guys also forgot too add full stops.

Hockey_fan 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:37

That awkward moment when you try to correct someones grammar but you end up using wrong grammar as well

xosportsgirl14x 8

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:20

Did any of you bother looking at the name? The person who said "your" was correcting themselves.

Uraharas_Bankai 1

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 12:16

By messing up your grammar and failing to correct... This is a situation where two fails don't make a win.

GrammarNazzzzzi 6

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 14:38

Stay in school kids!

cinderella10383 6

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:07

To!!!

bhangu023 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:11

I tried to correct my original post after being auto corrected to "you", when I got auto corrected again to "your" instead of "you're" I just really didn't bother. I'm not a grammar nazi but I knw there are a lot on here.

funymoose 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:14

Cant tell if trolling...

stacianichole 2

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:58

Proofread before you post. How does autocorrect get blamed? That doesn't actually make sense. Autocorrect doesn't correct your incorrect use of forms of words.

randome101 12

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Thursday 22 January 2015 19:56

36, he wasn't correcting a grammar nazi he was correcting the guy trying to correct himself.

lauralavenderbab 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:01

No sex

memob123 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:29

No crap.

jabfinch 9

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 20:12

Facepalm

hemz_fml 13

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 22:39

brown4lifejot 1

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Thursday 3 November 2011 8:08

No shit

kaprookie 3

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:02

Awww come on OP it was pretty funny.

chuchurocket 4

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 20:25

OPs from Hawaii ;D

deathpotato 11

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Thursday 3 November 2011 1:25

Thank you for telling us, 108. That is very useful information.

evilteddybear 0

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Friday 4 November 2011 3:26

Wow didnt know tht..

karinagaviria 0

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Tuesday 3 January 2012 5:10

Haha love the pic xD

blink182AAR 6

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:03

This isn't really an FML... Atleast he has a sense of humor?

MagicallyFat 12

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:06

He's makin a list, checkin it twice. Tryin to find out who's naughty or nice. Santa clause is coming to a bed near you.

quitecontrary 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:06

Santa Claus is cumming....and going to town!!

ricinator 11

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 13:14

why does Santa have a big sack?..... because he only comes once a year!

emodude44 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 13:23

Santa Clause is cumming IN YOU

rkmepm 16

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 13:37

62, what a horrifyingly bad joke. Sorry.

MagicallyFat 12

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:07

I found it quite assuming lol.

StopDropNRoll 11

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:58

Amusing?^

rkmepm 16

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Thursday 3 November 2011 13:03

Oh whatever :/ btw 62 it's too late 4 u go to bed

Link5794 18

Thursday 25 October 2012 23:11

Shit! I accidentally thumbed up 67's comment!

skitzofreniks 5

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:06

Congrats! Your man has a sense of humor.

EwanSmith 2

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:07

you can both unload your sack now

xShannonxSammyx 7

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:10

Maybe he's hot for Santa?

shazza26 1

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:14

Who doesn't get turned on by a fat, old, seedy man?!

lmfao_shame 9

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:15

brown4lifejot 1

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Thursday 3 November 2011 8:06

33- theres a way of speaking in a jokingly manner called sarcasm

randome101 12

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Thursday 22 January 2015 20:00

I think 33 was joking... Wait that means... :-0

RawrNom 0

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:10

lmfao! well, next time he wants you to do it, dress up as Santa with fat suit and all and shake your body! show him what It means to be bad ;) lmao.

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 44

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 479

You deserved it 596

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