Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held...

By HOe HOe HOe - 2/11/2011 02:36 - United States

Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML

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Intimacy

Property law

Doomed

Trip Advisor says no

By Guilpie - 29/1/2017 16:00 - Germany - Heidelberg

Today, I politely asked our overweight neighbour to park on her side of the garage. Three unsuccessful tries later, she drives out and parks on the street in a huff, and I'm now the world's biggest bastard because she can't legally park on her side and still open her door due to her size. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2012 06:24 - United States

Today, my boss told me his cancer test results came back positive. I congratulated him and asked how he planned to celebrate. It turns out a positive cancer test result is a bad thing. FML

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8723

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By SilkySmooth - 28/11/2018 22:00

Today, I realised why my room has been smelling like berries and why sex has been so uncomfortable recently. Apparently boyfriend doesn't know the difference between hair conditioner and lube. FML

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2655

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By oh god. - 14/5/2014 23:16 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, while at work, I asked an older customer how he was doing. He told me that he'd just lost his wife. I gave my condolences before he clarified that his wife was not dead, but was lost in Walmart. FML

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49074

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By teacher - 31/8/2010 14:50 - United States

Today, I heard two of my students having a conversation. One asked what state Arizona was in, and the other replied Canada. I teach sixth grade social studies and they weren't joking. FML

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37745

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By fml9124 - 10/7/2020 08:01

Unreasonable

Today, my company published "return to work" procedures for when the pandemic stops. HQ is in Maryland, I live in Arizona. I have worked remotely for the last 8 years. My new boss didn't know this. He wants me to move back to Maryland or find another job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2017

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By Sundendako - 27/1/2010 10:20 - Australia

Today, my mum got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

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41254

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By Lunab123 - 1/2/2015 02:43 - United States - Potomac

Today, I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom emailed all of my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of "morning sickness". Thanks mom. FML

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33793

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By nikki - 10/10/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, my mom realized we have been sharing tooth brushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2012 14:43 - United States

Today, my crazy mother-in-law threatened to camp out outside my house so she will "never get left out" of our lives, all because we called instead of sending a written invitation to my three-year-old's birthday party. I actually believe she's crazy enough to do it. FML

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23038

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2010 06:28 - United States

Today, it was my dad's birthday. As a joke, I got him one of those big erasers that say, "FOR BIG MISTAKES." He opened it, tried to erase me with it, then said, "It doesn't work." and left. FML

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By prettysmellingbedroom - 15/2/2012 14:18 - United States

Today, I wanted to freshen up my room, so I bought some Febreze. Standing on my bed, I began to spray, not noticing that the air vent directly across was turned on. The spray came directly back at me. The doctor says that the irritation in my eyes may last for several days. FML

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13027

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By Emily S - 9/10/2011 05:17 - Australia

Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML

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By ADH2000 - 9/3/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2016 02:14 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after living in my new apartment for barely three weeks, I found mice living under my dish washer. When I brought it up to the managers, they said I'd have to pay for an exterminator myself since they weren't there when they cleaned. FML

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20257

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By Sid - 10/4/2011 00:58 - United States

Today, my dog was barking at a squirrel in the yard. I opened the door to let him chase the squirrel. I went to look at the dead squirrel and found out it was the neighbor's chihuahua. FML

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By sopathetic - 26/2/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around. I was sitting up on my bed when he reached down near my privates and said, "Wow babe, did you shave today? It's so soft..." He was actually touching my bottom roll above my vagina which delightfully formed a crease. FML

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By Lazyuser2849 - 1/6/2016 05:02 - United States - Arlington

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. To this, she said, "You need to meet more people."FML

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13037

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989

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By Mirorbo - 11/6/2011 06:09 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law visited the house while my husband and I were at work. When we returned, we discovered she'd shredded and thrown away all the scribbled on papers sprawled on our messy desks. We're graphics designers. Those were rough sketches for about 14 different clients. FML

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By popasquat - 4/12/2018 12:00

Today my roommate was taking forever in the shower. I had to pee like crazy. I danced around waiting and waiting. I couldn’t hold it anymore so I snuck out to the backyard to pop a squat. The relief hit me at the same time the realization that our landlord has security camera in the back yard...FML

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2180

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650

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 02:47 - United States - Killington

Today, I found my childhood diary stashed in a box in the attic. I flipped to the last page and noticed a little note written by my now deceased father. It read, "Well son, this diary proves that you're a whiny asshole - Dad." Thanks Dad, from beyond the grave. FML

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By kerripjones - 14/7/2015 19:44 - United States - Newark

Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML

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By musicislife1337 - 8/1/2012 07:24 - Canada

Today, I received numerous text messages from my parents asking where I was and how worried they are. I was in my room, they didn't even notice me walk in. FML

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31947

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By jordigs - 23/12/2009 08:46 - United States

Today, the elderly couple next door asked me to cut down a tree in their yard. It turns out they told me to cut down the wrong tree, and I cut down the tree they got married under. They now hate me and tell me they plan to sue me for damage to property. FML

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38379

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By RedLion23 - 3/11/2009 20:08 - United Kingdom

Today, good news! The guitar I have been saving up for, for 5 months, finally arrived. It came inside a beautiful black and white case, and impossible to get into without the key. They didn't pack the key. FML

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38136

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By - 23/1/2020 01:00

Favorite child

Today, I heard that my mom is coming back from France, where my brother lives. I have lived in the same place, exactly 45 minutes from my mother, for 6 years. She hasn't visited me once, but has been out of state to see my sibling. FML

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2039

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By kitkat3308 - 27/9/2013 06:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my controlling, verbally abusive ex-boyfriend from nearly four years ago is still obsessed with me. Apparently, he's told everyone back home that he and I are getting married as soon as I finish college. We haven't spoken in over two years. FML

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By HamHanded - 10/3/2017 09:17

Ham-fisted attempt

Today, my loving but absent-minded father gave me a packet of ham for my birthday, which would be pretty shit even if I hadn't been a strict vegetarian for the last 27 years. FML

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4534

You deserved it

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By mislabelled mother - 24/3/2018 01:30

Today, I got my first tattoo. I didn't realise that the font I chose uses a fancy capital L that can easily be mistaken for a capital F. It looks like I have "I'm A Good Fuck Charm" tattooed on my wrist. FML

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1846

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By Maria39018 - 1/8/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be totally honest with each other. We even told some of our deepest, darkest secrets, in hopes of strengthening our relationship. He told me he had a diaper fetish, and would love to see me in one. There goes my sex life. FML

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57223

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By WTF - 16/3/2011 22:05

Today, after my 22 year old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2015 07:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, at the swimming pool, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up on my 5-year-old daughter underwater and surprise her. I grabbed her by the sides, and she shrieked. A moment later, a brown cloud erupted from her swimsuit. Cue screaming and a mass panic from the other kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2014 21:24 - Portugal - Alg

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to lose our virginity. When he saw blood, he panicked and started crying, convinced that he was bleeding out. FML

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54590

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By Wowsers. - 30/1/2010 08:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML

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13748

You deserved it

35903

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 08:00

Frustration

Today, my wife is still refusing all forms of sex, because she thinks if she gets pregnant during lockdown, she’ll be the butt of all her friends' jokes about what people get up to to relieve the lockdown boredom. I know what I’d like to be getting up to right now to relieve my boredom. FML

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1824

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By jhulich - 24/12/2013 20:48 - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, I found out that my mom isn't coming to see me for Christmas. Instead she'll be spending it in jail for a DUI and battery. Thank you to my cocklick of an aunt for taking a recovering alcoholic to a bar and pressuring her into relapse. FML

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49594

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 21:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

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31602

You deserved it

5334

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By OhGeez - 8/6/2009 19:41 - Canada

Today, I got hypnotized at my school's variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy doing, I began to violently hump the floor. FML

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91767

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2017 20:00

Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2016 11:26 - United States - Brunswick

Today, my dog once again desperately tried to yank me straight into the path of a bus. FML

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Top comments

By hahachun | 4

#3529574 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

Yes Santa?!! Hahahahaha

By ollie179 | 21

#3529575 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

No presents for him.

COMMENTS

By hahachun | 4

#3529574 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

Yes Santa?!! Hahahahaha

Eskeddit | 5

#3529648 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:16

Role-playing as the Kringles is the best!

helloello | 2

#3529708 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:32

Seemed like a pretty bland joke to be goin this crazy over...

ChaeRi | 3

#3529748 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:50

You know what you should do now.

Wear your fake beard and colour his nose red and ride him.
Rudolf the red nosed reindeer~

sirbrainiac | 2

#3529886 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:22

love OP's username.

superjewwwwww | 0

#3529896 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:28

Look at the persons name who wrote this fml, lmao

EvilPotato | 14

#3530141 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 12:28

It would've been funny if you said in a Santa Claus accent "well then you need to be spanked, no presents for you."

gojira666 | 7

#3530758 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 15:15

No, that would not have been funny.

LoveLateNights | 0

#3531052 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 16:34

Something tells me he sat on Santas lap one to many times when he was younger!

ducttapewallet | 7

#3531516 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 18:57

Missed opportunities. Tsk, tsk.

hollisterfreak52 | 1

#3532573 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 22:26

Someones getting coal!! :p

The_Troller | 14

#3532615 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 22:29

Here's where you're supposed to sit on his lap and ask him what he wants you to give him.

fat1239 | 4

#3533564 - Thursday 3 November 2011 1:00

Read ur profile fucking hilarious

Blissfull_Sin | 7

#3533913 - Thursday 3 November 2011 2:37

Lmao that's classic lol sorry but that was too funny

caino | 3

#3534040 - Thursday 3 November 2011 3:13

Awesome!!!!

TheClumsiest | 0

#3534085 - Thursday 3 November 2011 3:19

LOL. your boyfriend is awesome.

ILUVMSC | 5

#3540114 - Friday 4 November 2011 5:35

Ha that's cute :)

By ollie179 | 21

#3529575 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

No presents for him.

bhangu023 | 0

#3529738 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:46

I think you supposed to say "I've been a bad girl"

bhangu023 | 0

#3529742 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:48

Your*

WillTay | 8

#3529805 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:25

*You're

xlord | 27

#3529828 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:36

A grammar nazi who is correcting a grammar nazi who is correcting someone who made one mistake. Well... You guys also forgot too add full stops.

Hockey_fan | 0

#3529830 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:37

That awkward moment when you try to correct someones grammar but you end up using wrong grammar as well

xosportsgirl14x | 8

#3529883 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:20

Did any of you bother looking at the name? The person who said "your" was correcting themselves.

Uraharas_Bankai | 1

#3530067 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 12:16

By messing up your grammar and failing to correct... This is a situation where two fails don't make a win.

GrammarNazzzzzi | 6

#3530626 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 14:38

Stay in school kids!

cinderella10383 | 6

#3531171 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:07

To!!!

bhangu023 | 0

#3531192 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:11

I tried to correct my original post after being auto corrected to "you", when I got auto corrected again to "your" instead of "you're" I just really didn't bother. I'm not a grammar nazi but I knw there are a lot on here.

funymoose | 0

#3531202 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:14

Cant tell if trolling...

stacianichole | 2

#3531352 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:58

Proofread before you post. How does autocorrect get blamed? That doesn't actually make sense. Autocorrect doesn't correct your incorrect use of forms of words.

randome101 | 12

#6180642 - Thursday 22 January 2015 19:56

36, he wasn't correcting a grammar nazi he was correcting the guy trying to correct himself.

By lauralavenderbab | 0

#3529581 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:01

No sex

memob123 | 0

#3529903 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:29

No crap.

jabfinch | 9

#3531884 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 20:12

Facepalm

hemz_fml | 13

#3532684 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 22:39

brown4lifejot | 1

#3535130 - Thursday 3 November 2011 8:08

No shit

By kaprookie | 3

#3529583 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:02

Awww come on OP it was pretty funny.

chuchurocket | 4

#3531929 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 20:25

OPs from Hawaii ;D

deathpotato | 11

#3533639 - Thursday 3 November 2011 1:25

Thank you for telling us, 108. That is very useful information.

evilteddybear | 0

#3539662 - Friday 4 November 2011 3:26

Wow didnt know tht..

karinagaviria | 0

#3822903 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 5:10

Haha love the pic xD

By blink182AAR | 6

#3529587 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:03

This isn't really an FML... Atleast he has a sense of humor?

By MagicallyFat | 12

#3529600 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:06

He's makin a list, checkin it twice. Tryin to find out who's naughty or nice. Santa clause is coming to a bed near you.

quitecontrary | 0

#3529775 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:06

Santa Claus is cumming....and going to town!!

ricinator | 11

#3530330 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 13:14

why does Santa have a big sack?.....

because he only comes once a year!

emodude44 | 0

#3530364 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 13:23

Santa Clause is cumming
IN YOU

rkmepm | 16

#3530421 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 13:37

62, what a horrifyingly bad joke. Sorry.

MagicallyFat | 12

#3531173 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:07

I found it quite assuming lol.

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3531358 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:58

Amusing?^

rkmepm | 16

#3535828 - Thursday 3 November 2011 13:03

Oh whatever :/ btw 62 it's too late 4 u go to bed

Link5794 | 16

#5082285 - Thursday 25 October 2012 23:11

Shit! I accidentally thumbed up 67's comment!

By skitzofreniks | 5

#3529602 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:06

Congrats! Your man has a sense of humor.

By EwanSmith | 2

#3529606 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:07

you can both unload your sack now

By xShannonxSammyx | 7

#3529618 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:10

Maybe he's hot for Santa?

shazza26 | 1

#3529637 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:14

Who doesn't get turned on by a fat, old, seedy man?!

lmfao_shame | 9

#3529786 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:15

brown4lifejot | 1

#3535126 - Thursday 3 November 2011 8:06

33- theres a way of speaking in a jokingly manner called sarcasm

randome101 | 12

#6180648 - Thursday 22 January 2015 20:00

I think 33 was joking... Wait that means... :-0

By RawrNom | 0

#3529623 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:10

lmfao! well, next time he wants you to do it, dress up as Santa with fat suit and all and shake your body! show him what It means to be bad ;) lmao.