Intimacy: Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held...

By HOe HOe HOe - United States

Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML

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Intimacy

BO Central

Season finale

This Charming Man

By GrumpyBunny - United States - Marysville

Today, I learned the true meaning of "throwing money down the toilet" when pulling my pants up, somehow my $100 Easter money fell out of my pocket mid flush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I put lemon juice in my hair as a cheap and easy way to get highlights. I left it in my hair and I laid out in the backyard to get some sun. The sunshine wasn't the only thing that found me; it seems every bug in the neighborhood is now hiding in my hair. FML

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By wtf bro - Australia - Canberra

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

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40982

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By funy_hunie - United States - Anchorage

Today, while lying in bed, I was so lonely that I put a heavy blanket in front of me so it felt like I was spooning someone. FML

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1556

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By Tenniemo - United States

Today, while packing up my classroom, I had a sudden stinging pain in my finger. Since I live in Arizona, my first thought was a black widow or scorpion, but the ER doctor didn't believe me and said it's nothing. Tell that to my tingling swollen arm. It’s been 4 hours. FML

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3669

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By BG1059 - United States - Irving

Today, my best friend since first grade, who I've been in love with for years and finally hooked up with last week, asked me for advice. He wanted to know if he should start a long distance relationship with a girl he hooked up with last night. FML

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15242

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By Daria_Weiner - Russian Federation

Today, at my anniversary party and in front of all our friends, I accidentally called my husband-to-be by my ex-boyfriend's name. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife is threatening divorce because I won't hire her son, my stepson, at the company I work at. Even the lowest position at my company requires a degree in computing, and prior experience. My stepson dropped out of high school to "discover himself" 12 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

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1600

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By IMSERIOUS - United States - Anaheim

Today, I told my parents I was thinking about joining the army. They looked at each other and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. I wasn't joking. FML

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By mandinga - United States

Please?

Today, my husband asked me for permission to have an affair with his hot secretary. FML

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By nocatlover - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my son had put the cat in the dryer the night before. He didn't turn it on, and the cat is just fine, but now I need a new dryer so my clothes won't smell like cat urine. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend tried to be dominant during sex. It was so out of character for him, I couldn't help but break into hysterical laughter. FML

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43516

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By EyeSeeYou - United States - Houston

Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML

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24873

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By misc - Netherlands

Today, while in Holland, I lost the bag with my passport, debit and credit cards, license, and camera. I froze my accounts and filled out the paperwork for a new passport. My bag was found the second time I went to the police, with everything in it. Now my accounts are frozen for the 3 weeks I'm here. FML

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35719

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By heathenhaha - Singapore - Singapore

Done for

Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML

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2678

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By FML - United States - Houston

Today, I got robbed. I just moved so I didn't have much in my new house. They did decide that my cat was valuable enough to steal. FML

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48675

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By zawbentley - United States

Today, I called my boss to let her know that I was suffering from severe depression and that my doctor suggested I take a month's leave. Her response: "Glad you are getting help, however we can't hold your job. No need to come to the office, we'll mail your stuff to you." FML

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39931

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist, only to walk out looking like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to see that new Star Trek movie?" and tried to talk me into watching it. Now, wherever I go, people are giving me the 'live long and prosper' sign. FML

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58610

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By desertpunk75 - United States

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

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25768

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By shaunaaa - Australia

Today, I was in science class studying dead insects for biology. After packing away the jars, I noticed a red-back spider on the bench. Thinking it was missing from a jar, I picked it up. It wasn't missing. It was alive. FML

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34249

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out this girl I had sex with lied to me. They weren't razor burn bumps. And I now have them. FML

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63596

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By hcditfi5foygy

Today, my crush confessed their love for me, and I happily told them that I felt the same way. They looked uncomfortable, so I asked why. Apparently they'd been paid to prank me. FML

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4380

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255

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By tracey - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going 85mph in a 60mph zone on a highway in the Everglades. There were cars passing both the cop and me as I was being pulled over. The cop decided I was easiest to catch since I was the slowest of the bunch even though the other cars were topping 100mph. FML

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By Rach - Ireland

Today, I saw my crush standing at the bus stop. I did the "I'm talking to someone on the phone thing," trying to be cool. Halfway through the conversation my phone actually rang, I quickly answered but it was my mom on loudspeaker yelling, "Did you bring your tampons?" FML

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12075

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By gangstalicious - United States

Today, I got the cell phone bill for my family and saw that my son had gone over his limit by around 1,000 messages. Curious to see what he was talking about that much, I read the messages. Apparently, my 15 year old son is having it off more than me and my wife. FML

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58208

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to an auction for the first time. When the run-down house I wanted to bid for came up, I opened bidding at £12,000 and surprisingly won. Feeling pleased, I turned to the person next to me and said, "Lucky me!" She replied, "Yes, lucky you!" and then under her breath said, "Cockhead". FML

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40115

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By disneyworld - United States

Today, my dad decides to tell me he's taking the whole family to disney world, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

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43866

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By Oops - United States - Portland

Today, I managed to stop my supervisor from falling into a trench, only for the ground to give way and for me to fall in instead. My supervisor didn't even notice. FML

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11915

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend suggested we imagine each other as someone else when we had sex. I imagined he was Tom Cruise. He imagined I was my best friend. FML

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35769

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By icecreamer - United States

Today, I went over to get some ice cream. I found a rare parking spot in front of the store, and even had change in my pocket. After feeding the meter, A lady comes up to me and tells me that the meter was free after 8 o'clock. I paid 50 cents for it. I was 50 cents short for my ice cream. FML

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42944

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By Yuuucky - Canada

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML

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36538

You deserved it

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By K_M - Malaysia

Today, I wanted to punish a student for being late. I decided to start a pop quiz before he arrived. I was positive there wasn't enough time for him to finish. He scored full marks and I couldn't say a word. FML

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10227

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By Isoneedtomove - United States

Today, I received an email from a shipping company telling me they had dropped off a package of expensive electronics at the front door. Too bad someone stole it before I made it to the door. FML

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2737

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By ElamentalAngel - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old nephew was sitting on my knee at the computer. He was annoying me as he kept on pressing all the buttons. To scare him off I did a creepy voice in his ear that makes him cry. He turned round and broke my nose. FML

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17292

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By BritishDates

Today, my long-distance British boyfriend of 7 years canceled his plane ticket to visit me in the USA. He claims he "doesn't have enough money" to stay for 2 weeks. As I began canceling all the reservations, he called to say he bought a new car and a house. FML

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2709

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356

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By pokie - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that my fantasy was for him to eat me out on the dinner table. My boyfriend told me his was me in a Pikachu costume. FML

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47771

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By DOGSNACHER - United States

Today, I woke up to my whole room ruined, it was a mess and everything was torn and chewed up. I suddenly see a dog walk across the hall. I don't have a dog. FML

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34277

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By heartbroken - United States - Cupertino

Today, even after loving him unconditionally, my originally 340 pound morbidly obese husband, who within the past two years lost almost 200 pounds, left me because now, he "can do so much better". FML

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78549

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By ilovefootball - United States

Today, I was walking on a busy street. I saw this beautiful blonde walking across the street and a car was coming. I wanted to be like in the movies where the guy pushes the girl out of the way so she doesn't get hit. I accidentally pushed her the wrong way. Right into the car. FML

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Top comments

By hahachun | 4

#3529574 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

Yes Santa?!! Hahahahaha

By ollie179 | 21

#3529575 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

No presents for him.

COMMENTS

By hahachun | 4

#3529574 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

Yes Santa?!! Hahahahaha

Eskeddit | 5

#3529648 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:16

Role-playing as the Kringles is the best!

helloello | 2

#3529708 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:32

Seemed like a pretty bland joke to be goin this crazy over...

ChaeRi | 3

#3529748 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:50

You know what you should do now.

Wear your fake beard and colour his nose red and ride him.
Rudolf the red nosed reindeer~

sirbrainiac | 2

#3529886 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:22

love OP's username.

superjewwwwww | 0

#3529896 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:28

Look at the persons name who wrote this fml, lmao

EvilPotato | 14

#3530141 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 12:28

It would've been funny if you said in a Santa Claus accent "well then you need to be spanked, no presents for you."

gojira666 | 7

#3530758 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 15:15

No, that would not have been funny.

LoveLateNights | 0

#3531052 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 16:34

Something tells me he sat on Santas lap one to many times when he was younger!

ducttapewallet | 7

#3531516 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 18:57

Missed opportunities. Tsk, tsk.

hollisterfreak52 | 1

#3532573 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 22:26

Someones getting coal!! :p

The_Troller | 14

#3532615 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 22:29

Here's where you're supposed to sit on his lap and ask him what he wants you to give him.

fat1239 | 4

#3533564 - Thursday 3 November 2011 1:00

Read ur profile fucking hilarious

Blissfull_Sin | 7

#3533913 - Thursday 3 November 2011 2:37

Lmao that's classic lol sorry but that was too funny

caino | 3

#3534040 - Thursday 3 November 2011 3:13

Awesome!!!!

TheClumsiest | 0

#3534085 - Thursday 3 November 2011 3:19

LOL. your boyfriend is awesome.

ILUVMSC | 5

#3540114 - Friday 4 November 2011 5:35

Ha that's cute :)

By ollie179 | 21

#3529575 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

No presents for him.

bhangu023 | 0

#3529738 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:46

I think you supposed to say "I've been a bad girl"

bhangu023 | 0

#3529742 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:48

Your*

WillTay | 8

#3529805 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:25

*You're

xlord | 27

#3529828 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:36

A grammar nazi who is correcting a grammar nazi who is correcting someone who made one mistake. Well... You guys also forgot too add full stops.

Hockey_fan | 0

#3529830 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:37

That awkward moment when you try to correct someones grammar but you end up using wrong grammar as well

xosportsgirl14x | 8

#3529883 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:20

Did any of you bother looking at the name? The person who said "your" was correcting themselves.

Uraharas_Bankai | 1

#3530067 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 12:16

By messing up your grammar and failing to correct... This is a situation where two fails don't make a win.

GrammarNazzzzzi | 6

#3530626 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 14:38

Stay in school kids!

cinderella10383 | 6

#3531171 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:07

To!!!

bhangu023 | 0

#3531192 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:11

I tried to correct my original post after being auto corrected to "you", when I got auto corrected again to "your" instead of "you're" I just really didn't bother. I'm not a grammar nazi but I knw there are a lot on here.

funymoose | 0

#3531202 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:14

Cant tell if trolling...

stacianichole | 2

#3531352 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:58

Proofread before you post. How does autocorrect get blamed? That doesn't actually make sense. Autocorrect doesn't correct your incorrect use of forms of words.

randome101 | 12

#6180642 - Thursday 22 January 2015 19:56

36, he wasn't correcting a grammar nazi he was correcting the guy trying to correct himself.

By lauralavenderbab | 0

#3529581 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:01

No sex

memob123 | 0

#3529903 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:29

No crap.

jabfinch | 9

#3531884 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 20:12

Facepalm

hemz_fml | 13

#3532684 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 22:39

brown4lifejot | 1

#3535130 - Thursday 3 November 2011 8:08

No shit

By kaprookie | 3

#3529583 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:02

Awww come on OP it was pretty funny.

chuchurocket | 4

#3531929 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 20:25

OPs from Hawaii ;D

deathpotato | 11

#3533639 - Thursday 3 November 2011 1:25

Thank you for telling us, 108. That is very useful information.

evilteddybear | 0

#3539662 - Friday 4 November 2011 3:26

Wow didnt know tht..

karinagaviria | 0

#3822903 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 5:10

Haha love the pic xD

By blink182AAR | 6

#3529587 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:03

This isn't really an FML... Atleast he has a sense of humor?

By MagicallyFat | 12

#3529600 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:06

He's makin a list, checkin it twice. Tryin to find out who's naughty or nice. Santa clause is coming to a bed near you.

quitecontrary | 0

#3529775 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:06

Santa Claus is cumming....and going to town!!

ricinator | 11

#3530330 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 13:14

why does Santa have a big sack?.....

because he only comes once a year!

emodude44 | 0

#3530364 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 13:23

Santa Clause is cumming
IN YOU

rkmepm | 16

#3530421 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 13:37

62, what a horrifyingly bad joke. Sorry.

MagicallyFat | 12

#3531173 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:07

I found it quite assuming lol.

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3531358 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:58

Amusing?^

rkmepm | 16

#3535828 - Thursday 3 November 2011 13:03

Oh whatever :/ btw 62 it's too late 4 u go to bed

Link5794 | 18

#5082285 - Thursday 25 October 2012 23:11

Shit! I accidentally thumbed up 67's comment!

By skitzofreniks | 5

#3529602 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:06

Congrats! Your man has a sense of humor.

By EwanSmith | 2

#3529606 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:07

you can both unload your sack now

By xShannonxSammyx | 7

#3529618 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:10

Maybe he's hot for Santa?

shazza26 | 1

#3529637 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:14

Who doesn't get turned on by a fat, old, seedy man?!

lmfao_shame | 9

#3529786 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:15

brown4lifejot | 1

#3535126 - Thursday 3 November 2011 8:06

33- theres a way of speaking in a jokingly manner called sarcasm

randome101 | 12

#6180648 - Thursday 22 January 2015 20:00

I think 33 was joking... Wait that means... :-0

By RawrNom | 0

#3529623 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:10

lmfao! well, next time he wants you to do it, dress up as Santa with fat suit and all and shake your body! show him what It means to be bad ;) lmao.