Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held...

By HOe HOe HOe - 2/11/2011 02:36 - United States

Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML

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Intimacy

The best cat

Tidy your room

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By - 29/1/2019 16:00

Today, I am now sleeping on the floor because my friend got super drunk at a small party then peed herself in her sleep. I was sleeping beside her and my clothes smell like pee. FML

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2042

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2012 18:06 - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, I unintentionally moaned during my prostate exam. FML

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38436

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By tooembarrassed - 12/2/2016 15:13 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was cuddling with the man I've been seeing, and he started caressing the mammoth of all pimples on my back. He continued fondling me while lecturing me on the dangers of skin cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19076

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1961

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By Bearwaitressities - 15/2/2017 21:00 - South Africa - Durban

Today, whilst working my waitressing job, I had a patron lose his rag at me because there was too much "green stuff" in his salad. What did he expect? Chicken? FML

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6143

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By scfead - 14/8/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I was walking home when a man passed me and stopped. Thinking he was staring at my butt, I asked him kindly to stop. He then laughed and grabbed my wallet that was in my back pocket, and ran. He wasn't staring at my butt, and found it funny that I thought he was. FML

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39276

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By Sarah - 26/3/2012 11:14 - United States

Today, I belched. In the middle of my wedding vows. FML

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31733

You deserved it

6531

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By fartz - 31/8/2013 06:04 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML

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48401

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By hesgonnahateme - 6/6/2013 05:08 - United States - Benton

Today, I got a promotion and transfer at work. My first responsibility is to fire my soon to be father in-law. FML

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61524

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2020 23:00

Great boyfriend

Today, I'm 37 years-old and recently out of a job. As my boyfriend refuses to pay more than half the rent as long as I live here, I have no choice but to move back in with my mom, 8 hours away. My man is quite happy to pay the entire rent as soon as I'm gone. FML

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1995

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311

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 01:32 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I ran a hand down my freshly shaven leg to appreciate the smoothness, only to come up with a hand covered in blood. FML

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By wellfuckyoutoo - 24/11/2015 17:45 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a close friend came over with her three-year-old son. The child used a crayon on the walls, flushed my money down the toilet, and threw up. My friend was seriously offended when I asked her to help me clean everything up. FML

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By MLS - 14/2/2009 23:19 - United States

Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML

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39249

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2016 04:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

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20718

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By Whatthehell - 21/2/2016 01:35 - United States - Soddy Daisy

Today, I completed driving school. After 30 hours of classwork, 6 hours of driving lessons, and a very tough driving test, I passed and can now get a 15% safe driver insurance discount. My friend just told me he only had to watch a 15 minute video to get the same discount. FML

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21897

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By Pita - 4/12/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, I learned that the cute pet name my boyfriend has been calling me for the past month is actually an acronym for "pain in the a**". FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2015 02:05

Today, my neighbor at my apartment building told me water from my sink was leaking into his apartment. He told me to call maintenance to fix it, but they won't help unless he calls. He refuses to, and I can't do my dishes without feeling like an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, I spent my remaining cash on a doctor's visit, only to find out that at the age of 22, I'm getting major health problems brought on by stress. I came home to relax, only to find out my roommate can't pay his rent, and needs me to cover for him so we don't get evicted. FML

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32516

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML

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42888

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML

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21178

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By shay786 - 5/5/2020 17:00

My eyes!

Today, I heard grunting and then realized it was my tenant with his boyfriend. When I went down to do my laundry, I caught them in the act. FML

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1512

You deserved it

266

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By lawl - 7/5/2011 13:25 - Canada

Today, my date asked if I could drive his friend home before we went out for breakfast. His friend had blonde hair, big boobs and wore a skimpy black dress. He wasn't 100% sure of her name. I guess I drove home my date's one night stand. FML

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40208

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By Unwanted - 2/8/2012 06:50 - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss turned to everyone and said, "Allow me to escort this trash out of the office." Everyone cheered. FML

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16073

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By ulisha5 - 2/8/2013 21:54 - Bulgaria - Burgas

Today, my son told his 8-year-old sister that since she swallowed an apple seed, that a tree is going to grow in her stomach and kill her. She's inconsolable and won't believe that she'll be fine, because "they say that to all the dying people on TV". FML

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48464

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4332

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By WTF?!?! - 9/9/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. He sent them. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. FML

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16760

You deserved it

40127

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By methane overload - 19/1/2013 01:32 - United States

Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML

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40090

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By inthecold - 19/2/2011 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to a party 40 minutes away by bus with some friends. We missed the bus, waited half an hour for the second, and arrived just in time to hear the policemen say, "Party's over. Get outta here." FML

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By Blie - 4/9/2018 20:30

Today, I was so drunk that I pissed myself in a hotel hallway while wearing a dress. My shoes squished all the way back to the room. FML

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1007

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By Oragami - 12/6/2020 14:07

Galaxy brain take

Today, a customer told me it was bullshit we couldn't serve coffee because of the COVID restrictions, and added that the protests and riots happening are because people are bored. FML

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1232

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By OrangeTree12 - 4/4/2009 06:05 - Canada

Today, a really cute guy sat across from me on the bus. He smiled at me, then tensed his muscles and lifted a heavy bag with one arm. Thinking he was trying to act "macho" to impress me, I rolled my eyes and threw him an annoyed/disgusted look. When he got off, I realized he only had one arm. FML

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11143

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By nemo518 - 23/12/2010 06:36 - Canada

Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML

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45937

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By kstaa - 10/2/2010 11:47 - Australia

Today, I was sitting on the train wondering what that putrid smell was. As I got off the train I realized there was vomit all over the back of my seat. FML

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29047

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 16:56 - Canada

Today, I canceled my dental check-up because I'm getting busy at work. Then, as I was flossing, my finger slipped, I heard a "crunch" from one of my fillings, and I now have a killer toothache. It's costing me double to go to the dentist because it's now an emergency call. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27948

You deserved it

7440

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By punchedhelper - 20/6/2012 23:27 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML

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25103

You deserved it

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By Lonely - 18/3/2010 04:02 - United States

Today, the girl I have been dating for the past couple months broke it off with me. She said she's tired of waiting around for me and being ignored in the mean time. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so greedy as to finish my 2 degrees and work 2 jobs to pay for my school. How selfish of me. FML

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37391

You deserved it

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By greek_dancer - 13/7/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML

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25723

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By ashamed - 22/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, in an effort to be more healthy, I bought a pack of protein bars as a substitute for snacks. I ate all 5 of them in one sitting. FML

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5096

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4253

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By gircos - 30/4/2014 00:10 - United States - Westerly

Today, I learned my girlfriend was cheating on me. After giving her a second chance and meeting her parents for the first time, her father said at the dinner table, "I like the other guy better." FML

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47156

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By peepa - 10/9/2017 04:30

Today, I finished my last day of job training. At the beginning, the boss had told us to ask as many questions as possible. I was fired because I asked too many questions. FML

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4002

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By - 16/1/2019 20:00

Today, I got trapped in the airport lift for half an hour with my family while heading to departure. We ended up missing our flight. 3000 Malaysian bucks were spent on that flight. No one wants to compensate our loss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 11:56 - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I used one of their blankets to keep warm. Later, I saw their dog getting busy with said blanket. When my grandparents saw my look of horror, they explained that he has "sexual relations" with the blanket every night. Thanks for telling me, guys. FML

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Top comments

By hahachun | 4

#3529574 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

Yes Santa?!! Hahahahaha

By ollie179 | 21

#3529575 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

No presents for him.

Comments

By hahachun | 4

#3529574 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

Yes Santa?!! Hahahahaha

Eskeddit | 5

#3529648 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:16

Role-playing as the Kringles is the best!

helloello | 2

#3529708 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:32

Seemed like a pretty bland joke to be goin this crazy over...

ChaeRi | 3

#3529748 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:50

You know what you should do now.

Wear your fake beard and colour his nose red and ride him.
Rudolf the red nosed reindeer~

sirbrainiac | 2

#3529886 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:22

love OP's username.

superjewwwwww | 0

#3529896 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:28

Look at the persons name who wrote this fml, lmao

EvilPotato | 14

#3530141 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 12:28

It would've been funny if you said in a Santa Claus accent "well then you need to be spanked, no presents for you."

gojira666 | 7

#3530758 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 15:15

No, that would not have been funny.

LoveLateNights | 0

#3531052 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 16:34

Something tells me he sat on Santas lap one to many times when he was younger!

ducttapewallet | 7

#3531516 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 18:57

Missed opportunities. Tsk, tsk.

hollisterfreak52 | 1

#3532573 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 22:26

Someones getting coal!! :p

The_Troller | 14

#3532615 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 22:29

Here's where you're supposed to sit on his lap and ask him what he wants you to give him.

fat1239 | 4

#3533564 - Thursday 3 November 2011 1:00

Read ur profile fucking hilarious

Blissfull_Sin | 7

#3533913 - Thursday 3 November 2011 2:37

Lmao that's classic lol sorry but that was too funny

caino | 3

#3534040 - Thursday 3 November 2011 3:13

Awesome!!!!

TheClumsiest | 0

#3534085 - Thursday 3 November 2011 3:19

LOL. your boyfriend is awesome.

ILUVMSC | 5

#3540114 - Friday 4 November 2011 5:35

Ha that's cute :)

By ollie179 | 21

#3529575 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 8:57

No presents for him.

bhangu023 | 0

#3529738 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:46

I think you supposed to say "I've been a bad girl"

bhangu023 | 0

#3529742 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:48

Your*

WillTay | 8

#3529805 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:25

*You're

xlord | 27

#3529828 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:36

A grammar nazi who is correcting a grammar nazi who is correcting someone who made one mistake. Well... You guys also forgot too add full stops.

Hockey_fan | 0

#3529830 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:37

That awkward moment when you try to correct someones grammar but you end up using wrong grammar as well

xosportsgirl14x | 8

#3529883 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:20

Did any of you bother looking at the name? The person who said "your" was correcting themselves.

Uraharas_Bankai | 1

#3530067 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 12:16

By messing up your grammar and failing to correct... This is a situation where two fails don't make a win.

GrammarNazzzzzi | 6

#3530626 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 14:38

Stay in school kids!

cinderella10383 | 6

#3531171 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:07

To!!!

bhangu023 | 0

#3531192 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:11

I tried to correct my original post after being auto corrected to "you", when I got auto corrected again to "your" instead of "you're" I just really didn't bother. I'm not a grammar nazi but I knw there are a lot on here.

funymoose | 0

#3531202 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:14

Cant tell if trolling...

stacianichole | 2

#3531352 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:58

Proofread before you post. How does autocorrect get blamed? That doesn't actually make sense. Autocorrect doesn't correct your incorrect use of forms of words.

randome101 | 12

#6180642 - Thursday 22 January 2015 19:56

36, he wasn't correcting a grammar nazi he was correcting the guy trying to correct himself.

By lauralavenderbab | 0

#3529581 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:01

No sex

memob123 | 0

#3529903 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 11:29

No crap.

jabfinch | 9

#3531884 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 20:12

Facepalm

hemz_fml | 13

#3532684 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 22:39

brown4lifejot | 1

#3535130 - Thursday 3 November 2011 8:08

No shit

By kaprookie | 3

#3529583 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:02

Awww come on OP it was pretty funny.

chuchurocket | 4

#3531929 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 20:25

OPs from Hawaii ;D

deathpotato | 11

#3533639 - Thursday 3 November 2011 1:25

Thank you for telling us, 108. That is very useful information.

evilteddybear | 0

#3539662 - Friday 4 November 2011 3:26

Wow didnt know tht..

karinagaviria | 0

#3822903 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 5:10

Haha love the pic xD

By blink182AAR | 6

#3529587 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:03

This isn't really an FML... Atleast he has a sense of humor?

By MagicallyFat | 12

#3529600 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:06

He's makin a list, checkin it twice. Tryin to find out who's naughty or nice. Santa clause is coming to a bed near you.

quitecontrary | 0

#3529775 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:06

Santa Claus is cumming....and going to town!!

ricinator | 11

#3530330 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 13:14

why does Santa have a big sack?.....

because he only comes once a year!

emodude44 | 0

#3530364 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 13:23

Santa Clause is cumming
IN YOU

rkmepm | 16

#3530421 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 13:37

62, what a horrifyingly bad joke. Sorry.

MagicallyFat | 12

#3531173 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:07

I found it quite assuming lol.

StopDropNRoll | 11

#3531358 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 17:58

Amusing?^

rkmepm | 16

#3535828 - Thursday 3 November 2011 13:03

Oh whatever :/ btw 62 it's too late 4 u go to bed

Link5794 | 16

#5082285 - Thursday 25 October 2012 23:11

Shit! I accidentally thumbed up 67's comment!

By skitzofreniks | 5

#3529602 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:06

Congrats! Your man has a sense of humor.

By EwanSmith | 2

#3529606 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:07

you can both unload your sack now

By xShannonxSammyx | 7

#3529618 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:10

Maybe he's hot for Santa?

shazza26 | 1

#3529637 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:14

Who doesn't get turned on by a fat, old, seedy man?!

lmfao_shame | 9

#3529786 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 10:15

brown4lifejot | 1

#3535126 - Thursday 3 November 2011 8:06

33- theres a way of speaking in a jokingly manner called sarcasm

randome101 | 12

#6180648 - Thursday 22 January 2015 20:00

I think 33 was joking... Wait that means... :-0

By RawrNom | 0

#3529623 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 9:10

lmfao! well, next time he wants you to do it, dress up as Santa with fat suit and all and shake your body! show him what It means to be bad ;) lmao.