Intimacy: Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML - FML

By pops up - United States

Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Empathy lives

Medicare for all, please

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss sent me to a meeting with a client I've never met to do some damage control and renegotiate his contract. For two hours, he alternated between threatening to sue us, and making vulgar comments about raping me in his office. FML

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By dumbo - United States

Today, my friends had ditched me for a party I hadn't been invited to so I was sitting home alone. The only other thing in my house was the mosquito I nicknamed Fred. I liked to watch Fred fly around and try to suck my blood. 20 minutes later, I found Fred's dead body. I was actually sad. FML

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By FLIPmcCOOL - Ireland - Cork

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML

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By Wheresthecreamfilling

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

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By LadyLola - United States - Dayton

Today, my mom visited. While she was using the bathroom, my man-child of a husband thought it would be funny to knock on the bathroom door with his penis, thinking it was me in there. She opened the door to find him standing there doing the "helicopter". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ozark

Today, I confessed to my girlfriend that I cheated on her. She told me that she needed time to think, and left. An hour later, her dad came by with a baseball bat. FML

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By Crabby - United Kingdom - Clitheroe

Today, I had to face up to telling the cute guy I just split up with that I have also probably given him pubic lice. FML

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By screwyoucompany

Today, I had a job interview. I was almost late due to road closure and being blocked in my street by the trash truck. The "interview" turned out to be a hiring fair, with lots of other people. I had to wait outside for 3 hours in the sun with no shade, water or food. I didn't get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 14:01

Great family you've got there

Today, my wife, who recently had cancer, made an offhand comment that my 30-year-old sister took offense to. Instead of saying something, she went and called our parents. My dad then called and yelled at me for 5 minutes about it. FML

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By Sybil90 - United States

Today, a bee flew in my car so I swerved off the road and hit a mailbox. It was a metal keg filled with cement buried in the ground. Taking my father's advice I fled the scene. Later my mailman knocked on my door holding part of my bumper. He said "Excuse me, I think you hit my mailbox this morning." FML

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By gameguy3424 - United States

Today, I went on my afternoon stroll to my local park. As I reached the park a little boy was peeing in the bushes nearby. His mother called. As I walked by, he turned, still peeing, right to me. He ended up peeing on the front of my pants and on my shoes. My house is 2 miles away from the park. FML

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By loveless - Australia

Today, I realised that the last three people to see my intimate parts these last weeks were my beautician, my doctor and the lady who did my check up ultra sound. Oh, and I'm married. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my boyfriend in Key West. I had gotten a bikini wax and new swimsuit for the occasion. My boyfriend was being romantic until he pulled a long hair from a mole on my leg. It's all fun and games until the mole starts bleeding, profusely. FML

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By Cantseethroughdoors

Today, everyone was signing a birthday card to surprise a coworker. I was told to go find someone who hadn't signed it so I went to the office next to mine, opened the door, and told them about the card. The intended recipient was sitting behind the door. FML

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By DIY560 - United States - Ambler

Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his friends decided to play the chant game, meaning one person yells something weird and everyone else has to say it back without laughing. All I heard for about two hours was them yelling things like, "DICK NIPPLES." FML

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By Emmz91

Today, I tried keeping a surprise secret from my fiance. Turns out, under the influence of my sleeping tablets, which after I take them, I forget everything I've said, I spilled the beans. So much for the surprise. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my husband and I are both stuck in the bathroom from food poisoning, our 3-year-old son is taking advantage of his freedom. All I can hear is banging noises and wild laughter. I'm afraid to leave the bathroom. FML

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By sweetsixteenyay - United Kingdom - Caerphilly

Bad guy

Today, the new girl told me that a guy at the back of the class was being creepy. I looked over and saw him picking his nose and flinging boogers at the girls sitting in the front. That guy is my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Crest

Great tip, thanks

Today, my therapist told me to write any negative thoughts that I had on a piece of paper and then set fire to it. When I lit it in the trash can, huge flames broke out and I had to throw the trash can out my window to keep from setting my house on fire. FML

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By HOPE YOU GET PEGGED - Canada - Hinton

Today, my mom hosted a high-school reunion. I had to prepare dessert, while my brother cooked dinner. Being the absolute dickhead that he is, he switched the sugar with salt. All the desserts I made tasted like shit, everyone left, and I got grounded for my supposed prank. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, while taking part in a lifeguarding exercise, I was supposed to "drown" to get another guard to save me. After all was done, my boss called me into his office and screamed at me for "drowning the wrong way," and threatening our reputation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fishers

Today, eight tornados hit the town where I live. The only person who tried to get a hold of me and see if I was OK was my World of Warcraft guild leader after I didn't show up to raid. FML

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By sweetlilthing

Understandable

Today, my husband is depressed because the government is relaxing coronavirus isolation and he doesn’t want to have to return to talking to people, or having family drop by unexpectedly, or socialising at all. He prefers being stuck at home as an antisocial Xbox and Netflix goblin FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I'm self-conscious about my B-cup breasts. About 20 minutes later, he pointed to another girl with a small chest and said, "See, you're not the only one with small tits!" FML

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By Scat - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I looked sad. I told him that I found out a co-worker died over the weekend and I failed my final exam. He then informed me that my toilet was clogged again, that he had a lot of work to do, and left. I have to find a plunger. FML

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By fucking hell my eyes burn - Germany

Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine was lovely; the sight of my elderly neighbour doing some kind of nude yoga in his backyard certainly was not. FML

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By Ouch

Great balls of fire

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

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By silent one - United States

Today, I had to stifle a fart so my upstairs neighbors wouldn't hear it. I know this because I frequently hear theirs. FML

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By maggie - 24/5/2021 04:00

Keep your nose out of my life

Today, while buying laxatives and really hoping the cashier wouldn’t make some snarky comment, the cashier said, "You know, that’s not a good way to lose weight." I had to explain to him that I’m actually constipated. FML

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911

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By hailey - United States - Bethesda

Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake at 4 am. Not knowing how it got on my iPod, I checked and found I had bought the whole $17.00 album in my sleep. This is the second time this month; the first time I downloaded the soundtrack from "The Wizard of Oz". FML

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By Cherie - United States

Today, I received a private message on Facebook, from a woman I've never heard of, subject: "Eric X's wife says HI." She goes on to say that she is going to find me, and ruin my life the way I have ruined hers. I've never even heard of Eric X and am happily engaged. FML

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By idiot bro - United States - Brunswick

Today, after a power outage at my house, my 14-year-old brother was genuinely confused as to why our flashlights still worked if we had no electricity. FML

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By lolwut - United States

Today, I switched from pads to tampons. It took me several botched attempts trying insert one before I succeeded, and now I feel like I've just raped myself. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, at work, I fainted and hit my head. When I told my boyfriend, he said, “Why does it matter?” FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, my friend was showing me pictures of her and her family. I told her to stop at one of the pictures. I started laughing my back off and said that she looked grotesque. She asked me if I was serious, I swore that I was. It was actually a picture of her sister, who died 1 year ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

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By Anonymous

They'll hear you coming

Today, I was diagnosed with exercise-induced asthma. I wanted to be a cop. FML

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By laptopsRus - United States

Today, while I was on my laptop, I decided to take a nap. Little did I know that my leg was covering up the cool air intake underneath the machine. I woke up an hour later with a first degree burn on my thigh. From a laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother changed the password on my laptop so that I can't log into my profile. All my notes for school are on it and finals start on Monday. Guess who can't remember the new password. FML

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Top comments

By phatdaddy62 | 23

#3672729 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:11

Welcome to the "North Pole!"

By koala7_fml | 2

#3672713 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:07

Merry Christmas!

COMMENTS

By koala7_fml | 2

#3672713 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:07

Merry Christmas!

Reply

Keyman1212 | 14

#3672759 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:14

More like happy XXX-mas! (;

Reply

iliketurdles | 7

#3672887 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:30

So who's been a naughty girl?

*shitty porn music in background*

Reply

enonymous | 8

#3672958 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:54

I hope this version of a 'Christmas Story' came with happy endings..

Reply

Jovecove | 13

#3672993 - Friday 2 December 2011 10:12

Are you naughty or nice ;)

Reply

nerdness | 2

#3673001 - Friday 2 December 2011 10:17

I guess you're his hoe hoe hoe now!

Reply

Randuhh_17 | 4

#3673006 - Friday 2 December 2011 10:20

This shouldn't surprise you... He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake...and He knows when you've been BAD or good..

Reply

builditbetter09 | 3

#3673035 - Friday 2 December 2011 10:32

Well.. Earn your present.

Reply

Jimboom | 11

#3673124 - Friday 2 December 2011 12:05

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

kaprookie | 3

#3673249 - Friday 2 December 2011 12:38

Looks like you weren't the only excited one OP.

Reply

Androidz | 0

#3673259 - Friday 2 December 2011 12:42

Anyone notice OP's name is pops up?

Reply

MrSarcasm | 4

#3673339 - Friday 2 December 2011 13:29

Santa has a VERY special candy cane for you.

Reply

MfailK | 0

#3673496 - Friday 2 December 2011 14:58

Bad Santa!!!

Reply

AnonymousTroll | 2

#3674411 - Friday 2 December 2011 20:11

Santa's little helper was working hard this year it seems.

Reply

ughbored | 5

#3674698 - Friday 2 December 2011 21:22

How old are you OP?

Reply

ferrettamer | 6

#3674907 - Friday 2 December 2011 22:24

@139 I want to know the same thing. How young are you that you still sit on Santa's lap, but you give him an erection o.o

Reply

rachellooo | 0

#3674993 - Friday 2 December 2011 23:04

Lol so many bad Santa puns, so little time...

Reply

skullcandifiedDJ | 5

#3675485 - Saturday 3 December 2011 2:02

surprise butt secs???

Reply

abbey321 | 8

#3675890 - Saturday 3 December 2011 4:40

If your old enough 4 FML your to old for sitting on santa's lap unless your a little hoe ho ho

Reply

JustOhSoLovely | 6

#3676958 - Saturday 3 December 2011 14:18

Nobody is too old for Santa's lap! Lol

Reply

frokeyman92 | 9

#3677361 - Saturday 3 December 2011 17:31

"Pops up"

Reply

maddylovesu | 5

#3679231 - Sunday 4 December 2011 2:27

Dont tell Mrs.Claus.....(;

Reply

BeachBoi_Alex | 7

#3679615 - Sunday 4 December 2011 4:31

Never to late to make an old man happy. ;)

Reply

raydaly | 5

#3680419 - Sunday 4 December 2011 10:01

CANDY CAINE !!!!! :D

Reply

PinkieKeen | 20

#4778679 - Monday 6 August 2012 8:40

SOMETHING LIKE A CANDY CANE.

LICK LICK.

Reply

One_Way | 43

#6358659 - Thursday 23 July 2015 6:29

Santa Claus is coming to town...

Reply

CantTouchThat | 27

#7442308 - Friday 21 April 2017 14:27

And he knows when you masturbate

By Gyromee | 0

#3672716 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:09

LOL!

Reply

boofgall | 16

#3672850 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:25

Boing!

Reply

allard | 14

#3673575 - Friday 2 December 2011 15:40

The amount of brilliant puns is overwhelming.

By Serythvalker | 7

#3672718 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:10

Did he say "ho ho ho" and wink?

Reply

OMGIFOUNDWALDO | 6

#3672846 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:25

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

that1guyyy | 12

#3672862 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:27

A hoe is a gardening tool; ho is right

Reply

FYLDeep | 25

#3672960 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:55

That's offensive to call those women gardening tools. They are people too you know (or so they tell me).

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3673507 - Friday 2 December 2011 15:07

Ho Ho Hoooly shit, sorry young lady....

Reply

leogirl95 | 12

#3674049 - Friday 2 December 2011 18:00

99- What if OP is a guy?

Reply

Georgieeporgiee | 9

#3675248 - Saturday 3 December 2011 0:57

Kinky Santa.... Kinky!

Reply

iTrevor | 5

#3676981 - Saturday 3 December 2011 14:46

Santa's cumming, tonight tonight.

Reply

AliCat18 | 12

#3677371 - Saturday 3 December 2011 17:34

# 30 . ye exactly, you use gardeing tools to "get it in" :)

By phatdaddy62 | 23

#3672729 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:11

Welcome to the "North Pole!"

Reply

onebigkaboom | 10

#3672734 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:12

South seems more appropriate

Reply

phatdaddy62 | 23

#3672763 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:14

I know, but I had to make it "Santa!"

Reply

DelilahV | 0

#3673142 - Friday 2 December 2011 12:14

I think if his pole was pointed south this wouldn't have even been a problem.

Reply

thisisafunnyname | 12

#3673364 - Friday 2 December 2011 13:41

It doesnt matter which pole as long as santas cumming to op's house on christmas

Reply

MylifeStory9 | 0

#3673946 - Friday 2 December 2011 17:18

you mean south "pole" xD

Reply

SemperFi_23 | 6

#3674768 - Friday 2 December 2011 21:40

Old enough to count, old enough to mount.

Reply

nedted | 4

#3708837 - Saturday 10 December 2011 3:04

He's gonna go down your chimney ; )

By onlychildFTW | 33

#3672732 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:12

Looks like Santa wants a gift too ;)

Reply

Meme1988 | 18

#3673211 - Friday 2 December 2011 12:29

If you know what erection is.. Then you are too old to sit in santa's lap!

Reply

Meme1988 | 18

#3673536 - Friday 2 December 2011 15:25

She has account at fml? So.. Second grade??! Dont think so..

Reply

gabrielbaby | 9

#3674506 - Friday 2 December 2011 20:32

I knew about sex before I was in kindergarten. Just because you didn't, doesn't mean other people don't.

Reply

Falalala243 | 0

#3675469 - Saturday 3 December 2011 1:55

nebut what 104 is saying is that Op must still be young to be sitting on santa's lap.

By tburke1 | 7

#3672736 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:12

Santas hot. get it in!

Reply

Dr_Jalepenos | 0

#3672812 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:22

This little kid sent Santa a letter saying "Can u send a little brother for christmas?" Santa replied "sure but first send your mom!"

Reply

NoahStaz | 3

#3680408 - Sunday 4 December 2011 9:57

I want to know OP's gender. If OP is a guy...

Reply

lonelyraven | 6

#3680878 - Sunday 4 December 2011 14:04

Wtf?

By MandyMeow_fml | 18

#3672738 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:12

Are you sure it wasn't just a candy cane in his pocket?..

Reply

Serythvalker | 7

#3672789 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:18

Who's going to check O.o

Reply

boofgall | 16

#3672834 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:24

Mrs. Claus!

Reply

MandyMeow_fml | 18

#3672898 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:32

A very brave soul

Reply

jackalope069 | 0

#3673987 - Friday 2 December 2011 17:38

He's giving her an early present.

Reply

abcdeghijklmn | 0

#3674515 - Friday 2 December 2011 20:34

It's not a present when it's early.

Reply

blablablarg | 0

#4676123 - Wednesday 11 July 2012 16:23

It moved up!! :D and started getting stiff
XD

By kalejaxson | 5

#3672741 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:12

Maybe you and him can get together and have some hot chocolate later.

By Timmeeh | 17

#3672743 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:12

I really hope you're an adult...

Reply

ElementalDragon | 2

#3675777 - Saturday 3 December 2011 3:54

You do know this goes both ways, right? If he/she is a child, either Santa's a pervert or got a random erection. If an adult, WHY the HELL would you be sitting on his lap?

Reply

debatingalways | 0

#3675798 - Saturday 3 December 2011 4:06

Either way it's bad.
1. Why is an adult sitting on santas lap??!
Or
2. Santas gonna be the one getting watched while he's sleeping this year..... In prison!

Reply

Tiffaniee_fml | 2

#3685422 - Monday 5 December 2011 5:34

And a woman.

By MwahFMLS | 6

#3672757 - Friday 2 December 2011 9:14

Wink wink?