Love: Today, I removed all my online dating profiles. Apparently my...

By anon - United States

Today, I removed all my online dating profiles. Apparently my ex-husband finds stalking me online preferable to spending time with his new girlfriend. FML

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Love

Thanks Felicia

I'm a mess

Furry family

By Anonymous - United States - Winchester

Today, I found out that of the three medications I am taking for depression, one causes weight gain, one causes severe weight gain, and one "might cause weight gain." FML

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By coeurdlucky - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to see his 72-year-old mom who just had minor surgery on her abdomen. When we asked how she was healing, she lifted up her nightgown to show us a bruise near her belly button. She wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

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By Me - United States - San Francisco

Today, while bench pressing at the gym, I noticed my spotter had spit hanging from his mouth right above me. When I tried to warn him about it, he ignored me and told me to finish the set. When the drool fell in my mouth, I was startled and dropped the 175 weights and bar on my chest. FML

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By anonymous001 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to the movies with my crush, who had asked me out on a date. Assuming he'd pay, I left my money at home. When the time came to buy the tickets, he only bought one for himself. FML

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By jadehin - United States

Today, I had a small gathering of family and friends over to celebrate my son's baptism. One of my friends happens to be a police officer. The entire event consisted of him arresting three of my family members. Don't worry, he came back to get some cake. FML

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By - United States - Washington

Today, I found out my 8th period science teacher got fired. Our final is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, I started my new job as a cashier for a drugstore. As I scanned some children's medicine for a family, I gave the girl a tissue because her nose was running. Later, my boss sat me down and told me there had been a complaint about a "female pedo-employee". I'm the only woman working there. FML

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By anonomus - United States

Today, my husband and I had sex for the first time because we pledged we wouldn't have sex until we were married. He's terrible. FML

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By joanne - United States

Today, I found a video of a school play I starred in years ago. I was ecstatic, because it's really the only memento of my childhood I have left. Unfortunately, it started with my grandpa groaning, "Ahh shit," and degenerated into him muttering over the audio about "those fucking commies." FML

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By Steephx0

Today, I found out the "free" protein bars at my gym are actually for a fundraiser for children's cancer. I've been taking one every day for the past two weeks. FML

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By cat lady - Norway - Egersund

Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML

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By elsatheannoyed - United States - Santa Clara

Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML

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By jack s.b. - United States - Austin

Today, my dad walked in on me jacking off. He swore and told me to lock my door next time. Later on I heard him snickering and telling my mom that I jack off "real weird." FML

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By themanontheright - United States

Today, my boss was using my computer and tried to copy and paste a website URL. It must not have copied first, because it pasted a URL to a porn site. I think I should start looking for a new job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a UTI and the doctor said the medicine can sometimes make you leak a little. "Leak a little" apparently translates into peeing all over myself, my boyfriend, and his bed while we were sleeping. The doctor also said this medicine can stain your urine a beautiful, bright orange color. FML

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By titillating - United States

Today, on my way to work, I had to squeeze by a man sitting in a large truck parked next to my car. I was in a bit of a hurry and in my rush the collar of my shirt got caught on his grill. My shirt ripped and I flashed the guy my entire boob. FML

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By inchetogb - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium. My boyfriend is totally convinced. FML

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By belladonna1025 - United States - Mesa

Today, a customer came up to me with a can of ground black pepper and asked me what the ingredients were. FML

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By innuendom - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I have a job interview coming up. For the job I'm currently doing and have been for the last nine months. My manager told me not to expect too much. FML

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By mouthwash - United States - Gallipolis

Freudian intensifies

Today, I had a dream where I was cuddling with a girl. She rolled over to face me, snuggled up into the crook of my neck, then muttered in disgust, "Ugh, your breath stinks!" Cock-blocked in my own dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Desoto

Today, I went out with a friend to grab some food and we were served by this really cute and fun waiter. Stepping out of my comfort zone and deciding to do something crazy, I left my phone number on the bill. I got home only to realize that I forgot to pay the bill. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Guadalupe

Today, I dressed up in my nicest clothes and spent ages putting makeup on before going to a nightclub, hoping to meet someone nice. The only person who acknowledged me was a guy who yelled, "Hey, wanna fuck?! Not like anyone else would ever touch you, am I right?!" FML

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By Loser - Germany - Neuburg

Today, following a 6-hour roundtrip after having lost both games from a baseball doubleheader, I was pleasantly surprised to see that my 4-year-old son was still up. After updating him on the day's results, he went off to bed with the words, "Good night, loser." FML

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By icybrent94 - United Kingdom - Arlesey

Today, I decided to have some fun by joining a Harry Potter forum and making a thread saying it's all for little kids. When I checked back later, my post had been edited into me tearfully coming out of the closet, and some guy had said he'd passed my details on to Anonymous. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was doing a little victory jig after finally sending out the last of the invitation cards for my wedding when I realised that I had forgotten to put the date of the event on them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the pet store to get mice for my mom's snakes. While checking out, the guy working behind the register asked what kind of snakes I had. I told him they were my mom's and he mentioned this crazy woman that talks to her snakes. That's my mom. FML

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By missmolliss - United States - Norfolk

Today, I keep getting calls from companies that I applied to for interviews. The thing is, I moved 1,000 miles away a week ago because I couldn't find a job. FML

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By M to the line - France

Today, I lied and said I was late for work because my car's tire was flat. Two hours later, some of my friends came in and said something along the lines that "We should do brunch every saturday, (like this morning) it was awesome!" in front of my manager. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I learned that I cannot cook or clean in my kitchen because it's too noisy for my neighbour. Every time I do, she bangs on the wall. FML

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By Jonas - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

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By the_emilymohr - 28/3/2020 23:00

Gourmet dinner

Today, after feeding my cats, I walked out of the room. Five minutes later, I heard one of them making a hacking sound. Knowing the outcome, I went to get some paper towels to wipe up the mess. When I went in, my other cat was eating it. Certain things cannot be unseen. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, three days before their rent was due, my fiancé's friends moved out of our basement without saying a word to us. On their way out, they took an envelope from my locked desk with $800 in it that was for our wedding in six months. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my father told me that it wasn't that I was written out of his will, it's that he never thought to include me in the first place. FML

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By LockandKey - United States

Today, everyone at school was talking about some guy that did another girl while he was going out with someone. I started to spread the rumor myself, until someone told me that that guy was my boyfriend. The other girl was my best friend. FML

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By anonymous - United States - North Hollywood

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. I got a hold of the girl he was cheating on me with. She was as oblivious as I was of each other's existence. Apparently, the fucker told her he lived with his "sister," who's "a bitch and makes his life impossible". He was referring to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML

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By fubuggie - United States - Saint Albans

Today, while working the register, a known mentally-unstable man approached me. He ended up telling me that the Statue of Liberty is sexist and a screw-up by Washington. When I told him that the French made it, he told me to shut up and complained to my manager. He knows me by name now. FML

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By Oja1 - United States

Today, my mother sold my extensive Star Wars collection, and I cried when I found out. I'm 46. FML

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By failphone - United States

Today, I lost my third phone in a year. Making it a grand total of 11 telephones lost or stolen in the past 3 years. FML

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Top comments

By FFML_314 | 11

#1480108 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:13

He's not the only one stalking you online, Sarah. ;)

By FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1480093 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:11

Stalking ex-wives online is the new fad.

COMMENTS

By lovelyliz916 | 5

#1480084 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:10

Lmao..at least he still has a "thing" for you hahaha!!

takeapieandrun | 9

#1480135 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:20

Lol, at least you're valuable to somebody.

kriptonite_fml | 0

#1480138 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:20

what if he has to take a shit?

By FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1480093 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:11

Stalking ex-wives online is the new fad.

By blahzz | 4

#1480101 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:12

Time to buy a water gun.

By poptartsznpornos_fml | 0

#1480104 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:13

lol oh wow.... yall two mustve really been close !

skittle68 | 0

#1481745 - Friday 1 October 2010 18:43

Um they were married- what do you think??

By FFML_314 | 11

#1480108 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:13

He's not the only one stalking you online, Sarah. ;)

dreamering | 16

#1480141 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:20

You know the OP? Please change your picture before he totally changes his mind

FFML_314 | 11

#1480152 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:23

What's the matter with my picture?

dreamering | 16

#1480177 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:29

Nothing Fight Club girl. I insinuated that you’re the husband girlfriend.

redbluegreen | 40

#1480278 - Friday 1 October 2010 10:10

How dare you break the first and second rule!

FFML_314 | 11

#1480330 - Friday 1 October 2010 10:58

Not to mention rule 37!

Zosiaaa | 0

#1481158 - Friday 1 October 2010 16:05

you also broke rule 100. no tubbies

mooshibear140 | 4

#1484001 - Saturday 2 October 2010 4:23

Lol. Is that a joke? :P either way I'm laughing.

By firechildredhead | 0

#1480122 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:17

It's kind of hard to tell how creepy this is based on the fact that we don't know who divorced who or how it all went down.

By schwancy | 2

#1480128 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:19

How do you even know he's stalking you? unless he confessed.

everythingelena | 28

#6493882 - Saturday 26 December 2015 11:16

I mean some online profiles allow you to see who has looked at your page so that might be how

By NitroTonicsFML | 4

#1480146 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:22

He must be bored

By iSexxxy | 0

#1480166 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:27

Guys..

cheapluxury | 4

#1480172 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:28

Rule.

FFML_314 | 11

#1480255 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:58

Pusillanimous.

Alkix | 2

#1480267 - Friday 1 October 2010 10:04

I did not expect that to be an actual word. Well played.

FFML_314 | 11

#1480285 - Friday 1 October 2010 10:18

We are going to ignore him, Mercy.

By MAGNAVOX | 0

#1480185 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:32

Your ex husband is searching for the guy you cheated on him with. He wants to kill him . :O