Today, I removed all my online dating profiles. Apparently my...

By anon - 1/10/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, I removed all my online dating profiles. Apparently my ex-husband finds stalking me online preferable to spending time with his new girlfriend. FML

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Love

Great boyfriend

Bad boys, bad boys…

In my day…

By broooooock - 16/7/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, it dawned on me that I've been married for 6 months, but because of the Army I've spent only around 12 days total with my wife. FML

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By BrisbaneCoop - 4/4/2011 17:13 - Australia

Today, my fiancé and I visited his family for dinner. The entire time I was there, his mother and sister had an in depth conversation about how attractive his ex girlfriends were and how they got along with them so well. FML

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By Marcella_03 - 5/12/2009 13:22 - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I noticed that our Christmas tree had been stolen from our front garden. Last night, a group of girls from my village posted a status on Facebook stating how drunk they were, and how they had stolen a Christmas tree. I "liked" it. FML

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By itwasathtebottomofmycoffeemug - 14/5/2014 20:58 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I found out my son has a new hobby after seeing a picture on the internet: putting realistic-looking stickers of spiders at the bottom of my coffee mugs. My wife was scared half to death this morning after downing a cup of coffee and then glancing the cup's bottom. FML

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By omgwtfsam - 27/7/2009 00:53 - United States

Today, my dad somehow found some pictures of my boyfriend having sex with some girl and went on a rampage about how pissed he was that he was cheating on me. I had to explain to my parents that I was the girl in the pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 09:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, when I needed the loo. The door was ajar, so I walked into his bathroom, sat down, and started to pee. I then looked up to see the shocked face of his dad sitting naked in the bath. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, in one fell swoop, my testicles and spirits were simultaneously crushed into submission by the girl I like. FML

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By The Christmas Grinch - 18/11/2010 22:33 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my yard covered in snow, Christmas music playing loudly, and my noisy, obnoxious aunt and her three year old twin daughters playing and screaming. They're going to be living with us until after the winter holidays. It's only November 18th. FML

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By Abandoned - 9/3/2009 05:50 - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my parents by coming home from college for Spring Break. I arrived to find a dark house, with all the doors bolted shut. After calling them, I found out that they have gone on a vacation to Hawaii for a week. I am now locked out of my own house, with no where to stay. FML

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By creepyeyes - 21/6/2009 18:37 - Canada

Today, I got myself a cool pair of colored contacts. I was wearing them while at home, so that I'll get used to them. Then I had to go to a job interview. I forgot to take them out. I went to a job interview with zebra-print eyes. FML

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By slapstick1982 - 31/12/2016 17:25 - United States - Ashford

Today, I caught my wife flicking a booger off her finger. I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "Because if I can't see where it lands, it disappears and is not gross". It landed on my arm. I saw where it landed, it did not disappear, and yes it is gross. FML

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By optimist - 26/1/2010 19:03 - United States

Today, after wondering why I didn't receive a grade for a summer course I took in 2007, I realized that I gave the professor the wrong student ID number. Someone else received credit. I've been waiting on this grade for 8 months in order to graduate. FML

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By anonymous - 24/9/2011 15:22 - United States

Today, I was badly sunburnt even after making it a point to apply a lot of sunscreen. My coworkers thought it amusing to slap me every chance they get. FML

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By facepalm - 22/7/2013 20:19 - United States

Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted "false flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 15:00

Clean me, humanoid

Today, I had to wash my cat. Twice. The first time was because he decided to roll over in the litter tray after using it. The second was the result of him pissing on the floor, then rolling in it right after I'd dried him from the first time. FML

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By Sandra - 18/2/2009 14:15 - Ireland

Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML

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By Emily - 3/8/2010 23:54 - United States

Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. FML

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By no_hullabalo - 4/9/2009 14:50 - Taiwan

Today, I went para sailing for the first time ever. My friends thought it would be funny to pull down my trunks right before my feet left the boat. I dangled there in the air for the whole resort to see. And I lost my shorts in the ocean. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2015 13:45 - United States

Today, my fiancée got married. I did not. FML

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By lonely otaku - 25/12/2013 07:46 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, Christmas changed my life. Last year I had a boyfriend to cuddle with on Christmas; this year I have a body pillow of an anime character. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, marks the two weeks since my paycheck should have arrived. During these two weeks, my battery has failed, tire has blown, and my phone and water bill have become past due. When I called the guy who's supposed to pay me, he said he has a note about it "somewhere on my desk". FML

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By Teiu88 - 20/10/2013 14:34 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I realized how bad my OCD is when I accidentally got a paper cut and I was annoyed by the fact that the cut wasn't in a straight line. FML

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By epictothemax - 10/3/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue piercing and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin says "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2015 06:15 - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, an old lady wearing a low-cut shirt with no bra underneath came into my line with some groceries. At some point while bagging her groceries, her wrinkled breast slipped out of her shirt. She didn't even notice. I wish to fuck I could unsee this. FML

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By seethroughpee - 6/5/2015 05:22 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my 6-year-old daughter barged into the bathroom while I was peeing, inspected the toilet and said, "You're well hydrated, good job." FML

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By Unemployed - 21/9/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my grandma picked up the phone. It was a man asking to speak to me. Instead of giving me the phone she decides to hang up on him, thinking it was some guy trying to "get with me." It turned out to be the call I've been waiting all week for... a call from a huge company about a job offer. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2014 17:26 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML

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By RogerReady - 31/1/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, I was offered a job. It only took me a year and 17 interviews to get an offer, and I have a PhD. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2015 18:36 - United States - Silverdale

Today, I tore my ACL while doing physical therapy that's supposed to keep me from tearing my ACL. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2013 14:41 - United States - Modesto

Today, I found out why the parents whose children I babysit use me so often and on such short notice. It's not because they have abrupt nights out; it's because their kids hate me, and me being around is their way of punishing them. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2012 06:00 - United States - Santa Fe

Today, it was my wedding day. When my soon-to-be-husband was saying his vows, he didn't say my name. He said his mother's. FML

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By LNamesOnly - 9/7/2012 07:31 - Australia

Today, I spoke to my hormonal pregnant wife about baby names. I told her I liked the name "Tabitha", and she went into a full rage about how all letters have textures, colours and emotions and how T is an evil letter. Apparently it's orange, plastic, and a needle trying to stab her eyes out. FML

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By Random dog owner - 28/1/2017 22:00

Today, I realized I've been hit in the balls more in the past two years than the rest of my life. Why? My dog is always happy to see me and his tail is just the right height. FML

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By Badday - 25/10/2009 04:38 - Canada

Today, I went on a date with a girl that I really like. I picked her up from her house, and as I was pulling out of her driveway, I hit her dad's BMW, knocking off the bumper. FML

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By tkghan - 2/8/2013 14:53 - United States - Concord

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for no real reason via text message. A few hours later, she updated her relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship." Her new "boyfriend"? Her cat. A mutual friend commented, "Well, he's better than that idiot you had before." FML

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By Hellau - 29/12/2009 10:56 - France

Today, I was baby-sitting four rather noisy and rowdy kids. After a two hour struggle, I finally manage to get them into bed. I then ask them what they want before going to sleep, and the eldest replies: "Can you tell us a story where you die at the end?" FML

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By lanz4949 - 19/3/2013 04:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my superstitious girlfriend of 4 years sneezed in the middle of my proposal. She claimed it was a sign from the universe for us to break up and then immediately left. FML

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By Eskyew - 23/7/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and things got a little heated. We were in the middle of some kinky dialog, complete with hand action when he suddenly goes silent. While waiting for a response, I heard typing on the other end. He was checking his email. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2014 05:27 - Australia

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to spray my open window with the hose. RIP my laptop, phone, school books, wooden desk, my entire bookshelf, and my carpet. FML

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By Zyopy - 18/12/2015 08:33 - Australia - Hampton

Today, I didn't secure my friend's wheelchair well enough to my car roof before giving him a ride. It flew off mid-drive and we still haven't found it. FML

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Top comments

By FFML_314 | 11

#1480108 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:13

He's not the only one stalking you online, Sarah. ;)

By FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1480093 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:11

Stalking ex-wives online is the new fad.

COMMENTS

By lovelyliz916 | 5

#1480084 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:10

Lmao..at least he still has a "thing" for you hahaha!!

takeapieandrun | 9

#1480135 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:20

Lol, at least you're valuable to somebody.

kriptonite_fml | 0

#1480138 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:20

what if he has to take a shit?

By FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1480093 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:11

Stalking ex-wives online is the new fad.

By blahzz | 4

#1480101 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:12

Time to buy a water gun.

By poptartsznpornos_fml | 0

#1480104 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:13

lol oh wow.... yall two mustve really been close !

skittle68 | 0

#1481745 - Friday 1 October 2010 18:43

Um they were married- what do you think??

By FFML_314 | 11

#1480108 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:13

He's not the only one stalking you online, Sarah. ;)

dreamering | 16

#1480141 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:20

You know the OP? Please change your picture before he totally changes his mind

FFML_314 | 11

#1480152 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:23

What's the matter with my picture?

dreamering | 16

#1480177 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:29

Nothing Fight Club girl. I insinuated that you’re the husband girlfriend.

redbluegreen | 40

#1480278 - Friday 1 October 2010 10:10

How dare you break the first and second rule!

FFML_314 | 11

#1480330 - Friday 1 October 2010 10:58

Not to mention rule 37!

Zosiaaa | 0

#1481158 - Friday 1 October 2010 16:05

you also broke rule 100. no tubbies

mooshibear140 | 4

#1484001 - Saturday 2 October 2010 4:23

Lol. Is that a joke? :P either way I'm laughing.

By firechildredhead | 0

#1480122 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:17

It's kind of hard to tell how creepy this is based on the fact that we don't know who divorced who or how it all went down.

By schwancy | 2

#1480128 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:19

How do you even know he's stalking you? unless he confessed.

everythingelena | 28

#6493882 - Saturday 26 December 2015 11:16

I mean some online profiles allow you to see who has looked at your page so that might be how

By NitroTonicsFML | 4

#1480146 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:22

He must be bored

By iSexxxy | 0

#1480166 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:27

Guys..

cheapluxury | 4

#1480172 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:28

Rule.

FFML_314 | 11

#1480255 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:58

Pusillanimous.

Alkix | 2

#1480267 - Friday 1 October 2010 10:04

I did not expect that to be an actual word. Well played.

FFML_314 | 11

#1480285 - Friday 1 October 2010 10:18

We are going to ignore him, Mercy.

By MAGNAVOX | 0

#1480185 - Friday 1 October 2010 9:32

Your ex husband is searching for the guy you cheated on him with. He wants to kill him . :O