By Robyn_mori - 31/1/2020 05:00 - Canada

The difference

Today, I was shopping for socks and I went to look in the men's section. Dad said: "You don't want those, they are for men." I asked what the difference was? He looked around, and then leaned in and whispered: "Men have a penis!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1803

You deserved it

451

Tweet

Share

There's no helping some people

Small town blues

Not gonna happen

By ohshit - Canada

Today, I was painting my bedroom walls, when I was struck with an uncontrollable bout of diarrhea. I had to watch helplessly from the en-suite bathroom as my 2 year old daughter painted a lovely picture for me, all over my new $500 sofa. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31223

You deserved it

8320

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

Today, I finally asked some friends to read the beginning of a novel that I'd been slaving away at. One of them said it was the literary equivalent of aquarium gravel. Another asked if I'd been sniffing boot polish while writing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21788

You deserved it

4612

Tweet

Share

By SoggyPancakes - United States

Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33729

You deserved it

71570

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Port Melbourne

Today, the girl I'd been seeing for a few weeks lost her mind and yanked my car's e-brake while we were on the highway. Why? Because I said I wasn't really interested in having kids. Guess I'll cross that relationship off as a "hell no". FML

I agree, your life sucks

14175

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2137

Tweet

Share

By smsmall - United States

Today, I finally admitted that I have to consider buying a nose hair trimmer. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27270

You deserved it

4158

Tweet

Share

By Anon. - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

20532

You deserved it

90620

Tweet

Share

By oooooopss - United States - Portland

Today, I got into my car and it wouldn't start. I noticed I had left the lights on and assumed the battery was dead. Then, I couldn't get my key out of the ignition. So, I called AAA only to have the guy put my car in park and start the engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7820

You deserved it

29365

Tweet

Share

By dxl - United States

Today, I told my parents how grateful I am for having them in my life and that not many kids are as lucky as me. My mom texted me after I went out 10 minutes later: "Are you ok? You seemed depressed earlier." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36197

You deserved it

5451

Tweet

Share

By SierraCheyenne - United States - Hannibal

Today, my parents finally got married. At the after-party, my mother got drunk and informed me that even though she and my father were now married, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47607

You deserved it

3667

Tweet

Share

By meesh22 - United States

Today, I received an email from my professor informing me that if I missed another class, I'd be dropped from the course. I have field experience to complete tomorrow as part of my major. I emailed her two weeks ago to let her know, and we're excused by the dean. She doesn't care. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37967

You deserved it

7906

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom

Shorty

Today, on my first day as a community support officer, a 7-foot meathead in the middle of a domestic argument told me to “piss off shorty”, and when I asked him not to swear at me, he picked me up one-handed and threw me in a builder's skip full of mud and wet cement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1368

You deserved it

224

Tweet

Share

By rapturezz - United States

Today, my ex-girlfriend told my entire family and all my friends that we broke up because I came out to her. They all believe her. Twenty two texts and counting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36927

You deserved it

3737

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over 2 years said he wants to get married before he leaves for basic training. Not because he loves me, but because he'll get paid more if he's married. This is the only time he's been excited about marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41718

You deserved it

4914

Tweet

Share

By Recon - Switzerland

Today, I had gone to the store and bought a new wallet. 5 minutes later a security guard asks for my receipt. Turns out I had dropped my receipt. Some guy had picked it up and pretended I had stole his wallet. The guard confiscated my wallet because the guy had "his" receipt to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

103501

You deserved it

8382

Tweet

Share

By vsf - United States

Today, my parents wouldn't let me go to the fair because they reckon my IQ is so low, I could quite possibly choke on cotton candy and pass out confused by the hall of mirrors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30938

You deserved it

6521

Tweet

Share

By Gayeveryday - Canada - Truro

Today, I came out to my parents. They still think I'm joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32366

You deserved it

5896

Tweet

Share

By Tooloud - Canada

Today, my roommates decided to hold an intervention. They told me I would have to break up with my boyfriend because they don't want people having sex in our apartment during college exams. My boyfriend agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43913

You deserved it

5722

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my kids tried to make grilled cheese by turning the toaster sideways. When all was done, it all flew out onto the kitchen floor. Both my kids and my husband left the mess there for me to clean up when I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28295

You deserved it

3240

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27056

You deserved it

3796

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. Turns out his dad is the asshole customer that I complain about all the time. He recognized me too and spent the entire dinner making passive-aggressive remarks about how bad of an employee I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33230

You deserved it

2877

Tweet

Share

By notthesame - United States - San Antonio

Today, my overprotective dad bolted all of my windows shut so that I don't turn out like my sister and sneak out or sneak boys in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14623

You deserved it

1179

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I woke up to an email confirming my membership to a dating site. Turns out my mother is as annoyed by my loveless life as I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24068

You deserved it

2535

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Spain

Today, my seasonal allergies started. Most annoying thing by far this allergy season? I only get the urge to sneeze when I have food in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14503

You deserved it

1736

Tweet

Share

By goodbye sweet internet - Greece - Athens

Today, after playing numerous games of poker against my friend, and him telling me that I'm the best poker player he's ever met, I went out and played for real money. I got totally destroyed, lost all of my money, and was laughed out of the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25330

You deserved it

49992

Tweet

Share

By No thank you - United States - Columbus

Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38538

You deserved it

6232

Tweet

Share

By BiteMe14 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend about my foot phobia. To help me "get over it", he took his socks off, pinned me down, and rubbed his foot against my face until I started sobbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39703

You deserved it

7357

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out shopping. When I left the store, I saw my ex, who I'm still crazy about. He helped me carry my bags out to the car. When I leaned in to give him a hug goodbye, he stepped aside, and I fell face-first into a puddle. He walked away laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37139

You deserved it

10502

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14178

You deserved it

1323

Tweet

Share

By bjevilcat2 - United States

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28157

You deserved it

4520

Tweet

Share

By Mumbling Mutt101 - Australia

Today, I came home to find a window broken and my neighbours searching inside my house. Apparently, they'd heard a small child asking for help inside my house. I recently taught my dog to "talk." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31378

You deserved it

5845

Tweet

Share

By gibbette - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his buddies that the main reason he got into video game modding was so he could put a virtual version of me in his games and "shoot the fuck out of that bitch". FML

I agree, your life sucks

55452

You deserved it

7284

Tweet

Share

By :/ - Canada

Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks

9042

You deserved it

109318

Tweet

Share

By username - United States

Today, I was feeling a little naughty, so I put on a sexy outfit, laid down on the hood of my boyfriend's car, and waited for him to find me. When he came into the garage and saw me, he freaked out and bitched at me, because I "could have dented the chassis". FML

I agree, your life sucks

38432

You deserved it

16436

Tweet

Share

By wetboy - United Kingdom

Today, I found out why my girlfriend of 8 months has never agreed to stay the night before. Now I have a 4-month old mattress that needs replacing, and a 23-year-old bedwetter for a girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54321

You deserved it

8863

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was about to orgasm while my boyfriend was giving me oral sex, I tightened my grip on his hair and began shouting his name. He stopped, looked up at me, and said, "What?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

34264

You deserved it

4970

Tweet

Share

By benjamin03 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my mom continued her search for a special, super-healthy laundry detergent that she knows makes me break out in hives. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12324

You deserved it

952

Tweet

Share

By noosher0990

Today, I found out that my neighbor gets more pleasure out of me and my husband having it off then I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20781

You deserved it

2745

Tweet

Share

By awkward - United States

Dirty talk

Today, I was having some kinky sex with my girlfriend. When I said "You've been a bad girl", she looked at me wide-eyed and asked very seriously, "What did I do?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

57452

You deserved it

10403

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that the mother of his children, from whom he is not divorced yet, is moving back into his house because she broke up with her boyfriend and has nowhere to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30516

You deserved it

8316

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10581

You deserved it

35947

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7878574 - Friday 31 January 2020 5:37

Tell him you plan to use the socks as footwear, not for masturbation.

By pjsr | 32

#7878575 - Friday 31 January 2020 6:09

Your dad is hilarious!

COMMENTS

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7878573 - Friday 31 January 2020 5:03

Wait, wait, WAIT!!! Men use socks on their penises?
I guess it helps with shrinkage then...

😹😂🙈🙊🙉😜🤥

By RichardPencil | 28

#7878574 - Friday 31 January 2020 5:37

Tell him you plan to use the socks as footwear, not for masturbation.

By pjsr | 32

#7878575 - Friday 31 January 2020 6:09

Your dad is hilarious!

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#7878581 - Friday 31 January 2020 7:33

This was the perfect opportunity for a dad joke.

By Calilady | 10

#7878605 - Friday 31 January 2020 9:11

How is this an fml?

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7878644 - Friday 31 January 2020 12:18

Kid from kindergarten cop: boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.

By bobsanction | 16

#7878713 - Friday 31 January 2020 19:39

Too bad your dad has a shit kid that doesn't appreciate jokes.

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7878789 - Saturday 1 February 2020 1:25

I have two sons and a husband. All their penises are in their pants, not their feet.

By kendonmcb | 18

#7879337 - Monday 3 February 2020 14:48

As a dad I feel the need to salute to your dad. This man is a genius.