Transportation: Today, I was travelling in a car. As I was discreetly picking... - FML

By Soso96 - Algeria

Today, I was travelling in a car. As I was discreetly picking my nose, we drove over a speed bump. It hurts. FML

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Serious times

Coherence dude, do you have it?

What a headache

By uwbeautyqueen12 - United States

Today, I woke up on the floor after I fell asleep last night while counting my tips. The pennies stuck to my face and left large blue circles from the copper. The blue won't come off. I have my senior photos today. My appointment can't be rescheduled. FML

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By eamiller - United States - Franklin

Today, I was complimented on my freckles. I don't actually have freckles, just a load of blackheads that won't go away. FML

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By williebees - United States - Huntsville

Today, as I was about to walk across the street, a girl in front of me who clearly wasn't paying attention to the traffic, almost got run over. I grabbed her arm and jumped back. She was fine. I fell and fractured my arm and wrist. FML

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By AgentKoos_99 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after waiting 3 months to see if I got the job I had applied for, I was told that they never received my application. Turns out that the email address that they told me to send it to was not being checked anymore and that they would be happy to consider me for the following year. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I participated in a charity auction at my university where the boys are "sold" to the highest bidder to be a slave for a day. My girlfriend and ex were bidding against each other. My ex won. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my husband and I had some bath time to ourselves. After having sex, he decided to put bath salts in my vagina to spice things up for the next round. It's been twenty minutes out of the bath and it still feels like there are pop rocks in my vagina. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hyde Park

Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Riverside

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years decided to tell an unimaginably rude joke to my grandma while at my house. She hit him over the head with a vase, and he's threatening to press charges. I still don't know whose side to take. FML

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By Mimi - United States - Vallejo

Today, my husband told me that he thinks I am getting a little heavy and may need to lay off the junk food. The ultrasound is hanging on our fridge. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend threw my football over a wall, so we hopped over to go and get it. Next thing we know, we're both surrounded by men pointing guns in our faces. FML

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By dan - 13/8/2020 17:01

Unloved

Today, I found out that all of the times my mom told me that she was busy out of town wasn’t due to work, it was that she was going on vacations with her boyfriend and his kids. FML

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By foxownerapperantly - Netherlands - Hoorn

Today, an old lady in public transport yelled at me and my dog, called me a liar, and threw her grape soda over me because according to her my pet Shiba Inu was actually a fox, and keeping foxes as pets is illegal. FML

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By NotSoCool - Singapore

Today, I was pulling my trolley luggage at the airport when I passed 2 cute girls smiling at me. Thinking I looked real cool, I kept on walking without paying heed to anything else. Then my brother shouted asking me what was I doing, only to realise that the handle had come off a few metres back. FML

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By Girafarig - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend on the phone. He said, "You sound depressed, I should cheer you up and give you a big hug." Jokingly, I responded, "You wouldn't hug something as gross as me." His response? "You'd be surprised." FML

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By why god - United States - Huntington Park

Today, my parents kicked me out of the house because they were having a party. They gave me twenty bucks to go see a movie. Well, the movie ended pretty quick, but the trauma of seeing my parents in a swingers' orgy will take some time getting over. FML

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By teeth - United States

Today, I meant to forward an email to my friend mocking a coworker's email, but I hit "reply" instead of "forward". FML

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By victoria - 4/4/2021 21:30

It's a wrap

Today, I had a school band concert in which I was doing a clarinet solo. I had a Laffy Taffy before the concert. Little did I know part of the wrapper got stuck in my hair. I went through the whole concert like that and I was so embarrassed when I found out afterwards. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I'm Jewish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML

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By yeah - United States

Today, I entered my first professional fight as a mixed martial artist. It's been my dream to become a UFC champion one day. All I do is train and watch UFC fights all day. I was out cold in a matter of seconds. FML

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By rhiannakirwan - United Kingdom - London

Today, 5 minutes before I had to leave for school, my friends convinced me it was "pajama day" at school. I showed up in slippers and Sponge Bob pajamas. My school wouldn't let me go home to change. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after begging for over an hour, I had to pay my sister $20 to wax my back for me so my bra would stop painfully pulling at the hair I repulsively seem to be growing there. FML

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By ismerf19

Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

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By management - United States

Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML

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By sodonewiththis89 - 10/2/2021 13:59

Congrats!

Today, I found out my husband is having a baby. Too bad I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss in my police dept. told me to start enforcing the "no bikes on sidewalks" law which we usually ignore. I pulled up behind the first person I saw riding a bike on a sidewalk and flashed my lights. It turned out to be a boy with down syndrome who was so upset he cried and peed. FML

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By welptimetoburntheplacedown - United States - Louisville

Today, I decided to spend a few days at my grandma's house, to help her clean the place up a bit. So far, she's given me a "no masturbating under my roof" talk, used multiple racist slurs, and yelled "QUIET DOWN!" when I so much as sneezed in the next room. FML

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By left, I guess - Canada - Antigonish

Today, I went on a blind date at a restaurant. While looking at the menu, my date said "Who even likes kweetch? Gross." When I realized she was trying to say "quiche", I corrected her. That pissed her off. Now I'm at home, alone, trying to decide which hand is going to keep me company tonight. FML

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By mallcop - United States

Today, while working security at the mall, someone shat his pants. The shit dripped all over the floor and escalator. I was the one who had to stand near the poop so no one stepped in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wokingham

Today, after having bought my daughter a complete set of new school clothes, she threw a tantrum and refused to wear them. I told her she could either wear them, or go to school naked. She made if half-way down the street in the nude before I caught up and dragged her back inside. FML

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By need new job - Germany

Today, I was hired as a student assistant. I was excited, until I learned on my very first day that "Supporting the academic staff in their research" actually meant walking the professor's dog. FML

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By Andrew - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I sent a message on Facebook to a girl I really like. She replied, "..." It took me three hours to realize she'd actually written it. I thought it was just Facebook telling me she was typing. FML

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By NoRunning - United States

Today, I was at the water park, when I slipped and fell to the ground in front of the no running sign. I was walking. FML

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By rabbitkiller - China - Wuhai

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents, and now they have a dead rabbit because I sat on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 08:08

Vicious

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years after finally realizing I'm a lesbian. He then outed me to my very religious and conservative family. FML

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By Angela17

Today, it's 3:42am and my son is crying because I won't let him play with his dirty diaper. FML

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By Jenny - United States - Anchorage

Today, I discovered the importance of having sex before marriage. We found out that my husband is gay on our wedding night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I witnessed some greasy twat trying to chat a girl up by negging her, which is basically insulting a woman to lower her self-esteem so she's more likely to put out. "Goddamn negger", I muttered. "The fuck did you just say?!" yelled a black guy standing beside me. FML

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By Scarlett - United States

Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!'' Little did he know, my step mother was sitting right there at the kitchen table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

Today, my thirteen-year-old daughter tried to scratch the freckles off of her face. We ended up going to the hospital. FML

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Top comments

By emh86 | 14

#6704150 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 11:30

Guess you didn't pick a winner this time

By ahabsfan | 14

#6704157 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 12:25

You couldn't have picked a worse time.

COMMENTS

By emh86 | 14

#6704150 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 11:30

Guess you didn't pick a winner this time

By Rabite | 28

#6704151 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 11:37

In school they told us not to drink something while driving as a passenger since the driver could brake and we would get hit in the face with the bottle.
Way to get paranoid but things like this kind of make it true D:

By Daniel20166 | 7

#6704155 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 12:22

Did you get it out?

By dannidoll93 | 24

#6704156 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 12:25

Ouch... hope you keep your nails short.

By ahabsfan | 14

#6704157 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 12:25

You couldn't have picked a worse time.

By xxDeeStar | 27

#6704158 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 12:34

A 2010 FML. Wow.

Reply

syki | 22

#6704162 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 12:39

It's a World FML. Those don't always get translated as soon as they're posted.

Reply

Emma_fml | 11

#6704164 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 12:45

Indeed syki!

Reply

xxDeeStar | 27

#6704202 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 16:36

Oh that's cool #6, I never knew that. It makes sense now aha.
Thanks!

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6704331 - Thursday 20 October 2016 7:58

Look the FML commenters are being nice and explaining it so that Alan doesn't have to.

Reply

gamermonster | 34

#6704339 - Thursday 20 October 2016 8:41

#25 such is the nature of this community :)

By feme_fatale | 19

#6704175 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 13:16

I guess that will drive the message not to pick your nose home?

By daidax_238 | 26

#6704185 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 14:13

You nasty

Reply

cuz803 | 39

#6704203 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 16:46

I'm sure pretty much everyone has done this

Reply

scyth3s | 13

#6704273 - Thursday 20 October 2016 3:15

Can confirm. majority of people do. Some more than others.

By cuz803 | 39

#6704189 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 14:48

Well, all attention should be at the road so ydi

Reply

sirrubberduckie | 35

#6704216 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 18:08

As a passenger?

Reply

cuz803 | 39

#6704257 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 20:42

sorry I comprehended this FML wrong

By ab290 | 10

#6704201 - Wednesday 19 October 2016 16:11

Just be glad u wrnt picking somewhere else :D