By suckstosuck - United States - Dana Point

Sexy talk

Today, I was getting freaky with my boyfriend and told him to spank me. In a seductive voice, he told me not to tell him what to do. Continuing, I asked him how he was going to punish me, to which he then replied, "I'm going to punch you straight in the face." FML

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There's no helping some people

Commando

Sewer monster

By hotandbothered - United States

Today, I was developing film at walmart. It started to get a little warm, so I began taking off my sweatshirt. This creepy old man approaches me, saying "You know, usually girls like you are paid to take their clothes off." FML

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By thatguythere858 - United States

Today, I woke up with a foul stench forcing its way up my nostrils. It turns out our septic tank broke, and is now leaking into our backyard, and sadly, our basement. I live in the basement. FML

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By MelanieP - United States

Today, I got a prank call. I now wish he'd call back so I can actually talk to someone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she had me in the first place, as we never get along. She replied because my father wanted me. So, I called my father to ask him the same question, he said he only wanted to have me to keep my mother around, and that didn't work, so I was a waste. FML

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By Nobody - United States

Today, my best friend was doing my hair. She got frustrated and exclaimed, "It won't stay!" I replied with, "Just like your mom!" It was then that I remembered her mom had just left her dad and moved out of the house to be with someone else. FML

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By oww - United States - Tekonsha

Today, I came to work with a huge hangover after a night out. I work as a marching band director, and guess who I had to conduct a sectional with? That's right, percussion. My head still hasn't stopped throbbing. FML

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By Mommabear

Thief

Today, I caught my husband's crazy aunt attempting to steal from my daughter's piggy bank. When I confronted her, she tried to defend herself by saying, "She's 2 months-old, she doesn't need the money!" FML

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By The fat and the ugly - Finland

Today, I was getting out of the shower, when my boyfriend decided to ask, "Did your boobs get smaller, or did you just gain weight around them?" FML

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By Matt

Today, I got a call saying I was successful in my interview to be a pizza delivery driver. As I picked up my contract and got in my car, I reversed sideways into a pole and ripped off my front bumper. The manager came out and helped jam the bumper in so I could make it home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that to save money, he's been using the same condom for the last month. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 17:07

You go Glenn Coco!

Today, my very top boyfriend told me he was ready to try being the bottom. He moaned and complained about the pain the entire time, even though I got less than 2 inches in, and then got angry I was taking so long to cum. I thought I was the drama queen in our house. FML

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By enya - Luxembourg

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

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By Irritated - United States - Muncie

Today, I was sitting in a drive-thru with my girlfriend waiting for our food and the idiot behind me rear-ended me. I got out of the car to tell him he'd rear-ended me. He then argued with me, saying he "didn't feel it." FML

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By randm1 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was a pregnant man for Halloween. Everyone at school thought it was funny, except my principal, who gave me a detention and said it was, "inappropriate and making a pregnant teacher feel uncomfortable". That pregnant teacher asked me to take a selfie with her. FML

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By YoshiSqu4d - 31/7/2020 20:01

Emergency cooking

Today, I managed to set off the smoke detectors while cooking burgers. The cops and fire department showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

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By Matt988 - 22/3/2021 23:00 - India

Unexpected

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend when I felt her slip her hand into my pants. She then gave me a wedgie. FML

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By nomorexbox - United States

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

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By KereKris - 17/6/2020 14:05

Hi how are you?

Today, I texted my boss, "I'm looking forward to doing you" instead of, "I'm looking forward to seeing you" thanks to a very unfortunate combination of my atrocious typing skills on a smartphone and an overzealous autocorrect function. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and sister fooling around in the shower together. Supposedly, she was sleepwalking, and he was trying to wake her up. FML

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By Jessie - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

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By Evjoel - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

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By Jill - United States

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

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By GGimabeast - United States

Cool story, tell it again

Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML

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By kalazoo21 - United States

Unexpected

Today, I quit my job that my girlfriend and I worked together at. Fellow employees are not allowed to date one another and I said it would be ok if I was the one to leave. When I got home to her and told her that I quit, she decided to break up with me. I now have no job and no girlfriend. FML

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By CB - New Zealand

Today, I have to go to the dentist to get a tooth capped. Why? Because my room mate knows I sleepwalk and thought it would be funny to put a trip wire across the top of the stairs. It worked. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend told me she was bored. During sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went on another date with a guy I've had a crush on for a long time. Afterwards, we went back to my place for the first time and things got heated. While taking my pants off, he recoiled and asked if I thought it was still No Shave November. FML

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By jazzyfizzle - United States

Acting 101

Today, I was partnered with this really sexy guy for an audition. He says, "Am I really stuck with you? I can't even stand being seen with you in public!" I start cursing him out really loud, but then I realize that he's only reading the script. Everyone was staring, and he called me a crazy bitch. FML

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By Nofriends - Australia - Melbourne

Today, for my birthday, my family offered to take one of my friends to the movies with me. I had to pay a random person in my class to pose as a friend of mine, so that I wouldn't look pathetic in front of my parents. She forgot my name three times. They didn't buy it. FML

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By Cannachick

Today, I found out how messed up I am when a guy held a knife to my throat and it turned me on. FML

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By justanidiot - 20/9/2020 22:01 - United States - Macon

Vibe check

Today, I've been getting weird vibes from my boyfriend of over a year and half, so I made a fake Tinder account. Guess who my first match was? My now ex-boyfriend. FML

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By StaceZN

Today, on site, my client was certain she had switched off her electric fence prior to me conducting an inspection of her boundary retaining wall. I overbalanced on my ladder and grabbed at the fence wires for support. The electricity was not switched off. FML

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By supergirl7 - United States

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Midland

Today, while BMXing I felt my chain break loose. I only looked down for a split second, and that's all it took for me to crash into a young scooter kid, breaking not only my own nose and elbow, but both his arms. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 15-year-old daughter's pregnancy test came back positive. I wanted to know who the father is, so I could sit the two of them down to talk the situation through with them. She isn't sure if it's her best friend, or our neighbor's son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML

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By AsshatUncle - United States - Tampa

Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

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By gamerlaura

Today, after a very harsh argument from my mother about her not seeing her grandchild enough, I decided to vent out my rage in a text to my friend. It wasn't until after I sent the message, that yes, I sent that message to my mom FML

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Top comments

By jsp16 | 24

#5593812 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 12:13

Is your boyfriend Chris Brown?

By PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#5593818 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 12:16

I guess he's not into the whole 'lets do some kinky shit in bed thing' huh?

COMMENTS

By LindsayxMoore | 18

#5593806 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 12:08

Wow how rude!

Reply

Uramonkey | 11

#5593966 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 14:35

And I will be the first person to suggest that maybe he misheard the word punish for punch. They are pretty close and the FML still makes sense.

Reply

hemz_fml | 13

#5593981 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 14:52

He obviously isn't into that.

Reply

TysGirl14 | 8

#5593985 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 14:56

"I'm going to punish you straight in the face." hmmm. Might be a bit of a stretch.

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5594105 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 16:25

I don't know, porn now a days with these so called "facials"? It really doesn't seem too far of a stretch.

I get freaked out whenever I have these Mary Kay reps trying to get me to buy their make-up by offering me a free home facial-- I get way too many dirty thoughts. :P

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5594200 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 17:18

But it's free!
How about a pedi for those toes?

Reply

OneGirlTwoCups | 13

#5594368 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 18:47

Hmmm I think it's a nice gesture to OP!

Reply

salazara | 10

#5594603 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 21:05

I know, SHE was being so rude!

Reply

yoyoforpeace | 14

#5595566 - Wednesday 24 July 2013 8:31

Sounds like my boyfriend OP... I would've started laughing. Not quite an FML I'm sure he is joking.

Reply

daniel12823 | 3

#6019110 - Friday 25 July 2014 22:17

Why does this have so many bad votes???

By jsp16 | 24

#5593812 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 12:13

Is your boyfriend Chris Brown?

Reply

persianninja | 23

#5593889 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 13:19

Sounds like him

Reply

8born8 | 18

#5593902 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 13:32

chris brown is a modern day ike turner history never repeats? yeah right!

Reply

Daiyuki | 5

#5594291 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 18:11

Who the hell is Ike Turner.

Reply

TheBrochure | 22

#5594363 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 18:44

#63 - Who the hell are You?

Reply

justfienne | 12

#5595034 - Wednesday 24 July 2013 0:56

People should google the tumblr post "celebrities (other than Chris brown) who have committed violence against women" and consider why he and Ike turner are literally the only ones we associate w/ beating women and all these others' violent episodes are overlooked and or forgiven... Food for thought.

P.s. I seriously dislike Brown myself, but I disagree with the nonsense of letting these other guys get away with violence and not Chris.

Reply

jsp16 | 24

#5596784 - Thursday 25 July 2013 2:07

88, Are you Chris Brown?

Reply

kyla_milan13 | 5

#5715536 - Monday 14 October 2013 5:36

The best comment for the FML. NO DOUBT. IM DYING

By PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#5593818 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 12:16

I guess he's not into the whole 'lets do some kinky shit in bed thing' huh?

By jw90 | 18

#5593822 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 12:16

So much for spicing things up in the bedroom

By thatdangmexican | 18

#5593824 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 12:17

Well, you asked for it!

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5596127 - Wednesday 24 July 2013 17:44

said the husband who beat his wife

By Alicestraza | 33

#5593825 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 12:18

And that's why fetishes should be discussed beforehand.

Reply

wolfgold2 | 20

#5595186 - Wednesday 24 July 2013 2:40

i have a food fetish

By rachxxo | 9

#5593826 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 12:19

Whoa. I'd probably take it easy on the dirty talk from now on. Not really his thing from the looks of it

By whyisitincapital | 25

#5593835 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 12:28

Or you could combine the two, and delve into either anal fisting or face slapping.

Reply

iAlissa | 34

#5594292 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 18:11

What kind of kinky shit are you in to?

Reply

Daiyuki | 5

#5594294 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 18:12

... Anal fisting and face slapping, obviously

By grahmagog | 14

#5593837 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 12:30

Its not every man's strong point

By AGB10 | 19

#5593848 - Tuesday 23 July 2013 12:38

MCP at its worst in bed. Sorry OP. many guys would kill for a girlfriend as kinky as you are.