By anonymous - United States

Not now

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36198

You deserved it

4694

Favorite

Intimacy

Late term

Not good enough

Stinky

By Anonymous

Today, I had money set out to pay bills, for a gift, and to put in a card as my cousin's wedding gift. I was rushing and not paying attention and ended up putting all of the money in the wedding card. $400 from one person. I guess I'll have no cable or cell phone this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1981

You deserved it

2812

Favorite

By TheJoker - United States

Today, I was jogging in my neighborhood when I saw a kid's ball roll over to where I was jogging. I stopped grabbed the ball for the kid and started to hand it to him. He then yelled "Stranger Danger" and his parents came sprinting out. I had to explain the story to the police for 30mins. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62539

You deserved it

3178

Favorite

By combovercaiti_

Today, I was waiting in line at the store trying to hold in a fart. I get to the cash register and the lady made me laugh and the fart slipped out. Only it was much louder than it was supposed to be, because I was squeezing my butt cheeks together, so it made a clapping sound. It was heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2207

You deserved it

336

Favorite

By BuggedinBelgium

Today, my sister and I checked into our cheap hotel in Brussels as part of our month-long Europe trip. At 11pm we awoke to the sound of a mouse chewing through a bag of food we'd bought. At 3am we awoke to bedbugs. We slept in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23898

You deserved it

3813

Favorite

By Mortified - United States

Today, I attended my girlfriend's mother's wake. When I walked up the three-step platform the casket was on, I tripped, fell over the edge of the casket, and head-butted her mother's corpse. The adhesive holding one of her eyes came undone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10415

You deserved it

909

Favorite

By unluckymiss - United States

Today, I was at the store when I ran into an old friend from high school. He didn't recognize me at first, but when I told him who I was, he instantly shouted "Oh! Yeah! The fat chick from Mr. H's class!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

29507

You deserved it

4332

Favorite

By ThisIsMyLife

Flowers (Nothing But)

Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1576

You deserved it

227

Favorite

By DoctorBreadLegs

Today, I noticed that the roommate application site for college bugged when I first signed up, and my screen name and real name were swapped as a result. Since the site only displays the names of potential roommates and not our own, I've been unknowingly messaging potential roommates as Parakeet19 for about 2 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1423

You deserved it

226

Favorite

By LoLWut?? nd Why?? - United States

Today, I went to a library to return a book that I've had for years. After a heated discussion with the librarian, not only did she charge me over a hundred dollars for the book, she also called the cops to escort me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26542

You deserved it

47455

Favorite

By racello13 - United States - Baldwinsville

Today, I've been robbed. I came home to find my oven door missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25366

You deserved it

1792

Favorite

By angry girlfriend - United States - West Harrison

Today, I found out that the reason my boyfriend hasn't texted me recently is that he'd forgotten he was dating anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47169

You deserved it

5640

Favorite

By CJune24 - United Kingdom - Huddersfield

The Great Pretender

Today, I tried to seduce my boyfriend so I mounted him and began kissing him. He immediately pretended to snore into my mouth and rolled over, making me fall off of the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38374

You deserved it

5413

Favorite

By byebyeromance - United States - State College

Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend before going to bed. He farted really loud and spat in my face as he laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39216

You deserved it

5042

Favorite

By nowork - United States - Liverpool

Today, I asked my boss for a raise, explaining that another shop offered me a job at a higher rate, but I would stay if he would offer me the same. Instead, he fired me then called the other shop and said I was fired for failing a drug test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59222

You deserved it

7707

Favorite

By zyordz - Peru

Today, I was working at a soup kitchen with people from my church. Seeing a rather disheveled couple, I told them the line started "over there". Only then did I realize that they were from my church, and were there to help serve soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12789

You deserved it

41082

Favorite

By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35116

You deserved it

9746

Favorite

By embarrassed - United States

Today, I was driving and saw two hot girls on the sidewalk so I rolled down the window to whistle at them. However, I failed to notice that the car in front of me had stopped at a red light. I rear ended the car, the girls ran away laughing their asses off, and now I have to pay for the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9757

You deserved it

117309

Favorite

By -__-" - United States - Vancouver

Today, a stranger pulled me out of the path of a speeding taxicab. He then took one look at my face, said, "I should've left you there", and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48462

You deserved it

4537

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I actually thought of faking my own death to get away from my girlfriend and her insane, overbearing family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48721

You deserved it

7818

Favorite

By BondingTime - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

39954

You deserved it

4103

Favorite

By StromyG2 - United States

Today I had to listen to my father lecture me on all the potential dangers of Halloween. He has a speech for every holiday, every year. I'm 28 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30963

You deserved it

3257

Favorite

By damnnn - Australia

Today, I was standing on a step ladder to reach the batteries on top of my fridge so I could change the ones in my TV remote. My sister thought it would be funny to shake the ladder and see what would happen. I now have a broken leg and a TV remote with dead batteries in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27761

You deserved it

2015

Favorite

By bob the builders pissed off daughter - United States - Campbell

Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21880

You deserved it

1383

Favorite

By myhairgetsfrizzywhenwet - Australia

Today, my sister drove past me while i was walking home in the rain, she honked to let me know she was there, and kept on driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40663

You deserved it

3503

Favorite

By MIA

Today, on Maury…

Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1982

You deserved it

156

Favorite

By llaurenmariee - United States

Today, I was pooping at a local Target when I heard someone say "You need to eat more solids, you're pooping like a rabbit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26343

You deserved it

4206

Favorite

By Mothering - Australia

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35076

You deserved it

12537

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Statham

Today, my son's lemonade stand was robbed by a senior citizen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52453

You deserved it

3358

Favorite

By failure - Australia

Today, I was sitting at the park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as moved off the bridge to let the kid play, he asked if I would like to play the troll under the bridge. I laughed and said no thanks, to which the kid responded 'but there is nobody else ugly enough.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

52254

You deserved it

4352

Favorite

By BirthdayTeeth - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my 18th birthday. I got one thing: a fancy electric toothbrush from my little sister. I would say I'm happy to have something rather than nothing, except, for as long as the toothbrush works, there will be a Hannah Montana concert going on in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54922

You deserved it

4234

Favorite

By LindseyS - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids. I tried to be sexy by turning around and bending over. My friends took pictures and my bloody tampon string was hanging out the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40988

You deserved it

106415

Favorite

By WWJD - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and I lustfully requested we try doggy style this time. He responded, "No, Jesus wouldn't like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10138

You deserved it

1563

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26857

You deserved it

3915

Favorite

By Sissyleemae

Today, I got fired from my job for stopping a shoplifter. Where's the logic? FML

I agree, your life sucks

2969

You deserved it

315

Favorite

By brylynn - United States

Today, I fainted during my sister's wedding because my dress was too tight. When I woke up, she slapped me hard across the face. Why? Because I "took all the attention away" from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30062

You deserved it

7756

Favorite

By Waterfalls - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39189

You deserved it

10618

Favorite

By ddll - Singapore

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She responded by sitting on the floor, crying like a baby and screaming "WHY?" at strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32210

You deserved it

12290

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, after massive bouts of diarrhea, vomiting, and doctor visits lasting weeks, I finally got a diagnosis... from my puppy's vet. I got Giardia from my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3199

You deserved it

341

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Long Beach

Today, at the exact moment that I leaned over to show my dad a picture on my phone, my boyfriend texted me: "I'm no weather man, but you can expect a few inches tonight." FML

I agree, your life sucks

72251

You deserved it

13935

Favorite

By JustWantedToRelax - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

I agree, your life sucks

12734

You deserved it

1457

Favorite

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Top comments

By phorcep | 0

#2036412 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:07

Well if you didn't, you certainly will now.

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#2036501 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:21

i once said "hey, you have to preheat the oven first" when my boyfriend wanted to skip foreplay while i needed some fun first.

COMMENTS

By phorcep | 0

#2036412 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:07

Well if you didn't, you certainly will now.

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2036482 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:19

I like to fantasise about food during sex as well

Jonkbaby | 20

#2036673 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 13:23

lol 1

USAF_girl | 3

#2037087 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 16:10

Maybe he going to claim it on his taxes as a charitable donation?? lol

Jonkbaby | 20

#2037363 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 17:48

38 that was adorable

iloveloosy12 | 0

#2038973 - Thursday 3 February 2011 0:30

hahaha and that's where the vibrator comes in handy

Luke1717 | 0

#2042859 - Friday 4 February 2011 4:14

10 your description is win

SchiTzenGiglez | 0

#2055013 - Monday 7 February 2011 12:59

agreed

By XxMiNtYXx | 4

#2036414 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:07

random enough lol

By davidjr_saldana | 0

#2036423 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:10

u know i have a bad memory & if i don't say things on the spot i forget!

By gabinel1 | 0

#2036427 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:10

thats the sexiest thing.

EffinToofer | 3

#2036453 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:13

Yeah. Maybe he has a "one-legged homeless guy with hotdog" fetish. Hawt!

Jonkbaby | 20

#2036731 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 13:44

uh. don't see much sexist ABOUT it. do your homework. hello? fail. >.<

DSmoothx9 | 0

#2036944 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 15:17

he said sexiest you do your homework

SmallTownCutie | 0

#2036947 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 15:18

25- wtf?

By afdude87 | 6

#2036467 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:16

just have a go at round two. not like it was your last chance ever at having an orgasm.

DjeePee | 24

#2036750 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 13:52

No, but for women it is more important to be in the right mood than it is for men. Thanks to her boyfriend, OP's mood is propably completely gone. I doubt she even wanted a round two at that moment.

Jonkbaby | 20

#2036754 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 13:54

I can't shake the feeling that it's kinda her fault

MaximilianMarche | 0

#2037673 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 19:30

agree

NuTrees | 9

#2818658 - Monday 4 July 2011 14:57

speak for your self hun round two carries on!

By dudehaha | 4

#2036473 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:16

it never stops amazing what people say when having sex!...

By mrl2468 | 0

#2036478 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:17

I'd be pissed. I hate when guys do that

EatnBeef | 7

#2043046 - Friday 4 February 2011 5:42

deal with it. I'll do whatever the fuck I want in bed. I could be thrusting then see a squirrel and go chase it.

EatnBeef | 7

#2043049 - Friday 4 February 2011 5:43

deal with it. I'll do whatever the fuck I want. I could be thrusting then see a squirrel and then jump out the window to chase it leaving you confused ad alone to finish yourself.

By usarmywife | 19

#2036480 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:18

guys have the most random thoughts during sex!

jrtepechis | 6

#2036848 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 14:38

hooah !

krazy_glu3 | 0

#2040466 - Thursday 3 February 2011 7:52

oorah!!!!

minesbiggerr | 25

#6099481 - Saturday 25 October 2014 3:53

Like girls don't?

By XxMiNtYXx | 4

#2036491 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:20

haha ^ 6

Jonkbaby | 20

#2036791 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 14:07

uh. that's 9. maybe don't surf upside down. yyyeah.. >.<

fisheatsbear | 6

#2037175 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 16:38

methinks 29 is either
a) new to the internets
b) retarded or
c) trolling, and failing at it

Jonkbaby | 20

#2037183 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 16:41

d) living as I dam well please. this is America- you do your thing and leave me THE hell alone

djxtones | 0

#2037386 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 17:58

meanwhile in Finland.... lol. I love your comments... except you did miss the "e" in sexiest earlier. lol

DjeePee | 24

#2037393 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 18:00

Woooh, is this America?! Wow! Great! Supaaaaaaah! Eventhough it just looks like my own home, in Belgium, where I sit in front of my laptop...but still, Americaaaaa!

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#2036501 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:21

i once said "hey, you have to preheat the oven first" when my boyfriend wanted to skip foreplay while i needed some fun first.

insanesna1l | 0

#2036547 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:33

haha so true