By anonymous - United States

Not now

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36183

You deserved it

4692

Favorite

Intimacy

Proactive

Big baby man

QUIET PLEASE

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, the doctor let me know I have an autoimmune disease. The disease results in ulcers in my colon which bleed when I poop. I cried, but only when I was told that I wouldn't be allowed to eat cheese anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33527

You deserved it

3153

Favorite

By Weezylover - United Kingdom

Today, my wife and I watched a documentary film about a kid living with severe asthma. In one scene, the kid has a severe asthma attack, and is rushed to hospital. My wife started laughing hysterically at this and after apologising, goes "it's just he sounded exactly like you in bed." FML

I agree, your life sucks

70559

You deserved it

7945

Favorite

By Blie

Today, I was so drunk that I pissed myself in a hotel hallway while wearing a dress. My shoes squished all the way back to the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1012

You deserved it

3973

Favorite

By YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK THE CUSTOMER - United States - Sherwood

Today, at work, a woman came up to the snack bar and ordered a pretzel with no salt. When I served her the food, she angrily complained about it having no salt, followed by her throwing the whole thing in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51107

You deserved it

3447

Favorite

By Josie Stiger - 19/3/2020 05:00

Denied

Today, I wrote out a note to the guy I liked. I went to hand it to him, but he said, "Sorry, that's not mine," and walked away. I was so nervous, I couldn't speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1455

You deserved it

252

Favorite

By lgt5628 - United States - Miami

Today, a man approached my delivery van and asked for change for a $5 bill. I guess I should've expected him to grab the change and run off with the extra money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32620

You deserved it

6603

Favorite

By getyourownbike - United States

Today, I rode my bike to the store because I only had a few things to pick up. When I walked back out after five minutes, my bike was stolen. I had gone to the store to buy a new bike lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48692

You deserved it

12877

Favorite

By Meh - United States

Today, two days before my birthday, my parents drove three hours to visit me at school and take me out to lunch. I assumed that it was to celebrate my birthday. They told me they are getting divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70782

You deserved it

2803

Favorite

By Chesty Larue - United States

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28198

You deserved it

2360

Favorite

By Pineapple does go on pizza

Overkill or fair?

Today, I thought my boyfriend was kidding when he said he'd dump me if I actually ate pineapple on pizza. I ordered it. I ate it. I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3081

You deserved it

1125

Favorite

By pinkfreak94 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I kissed a boy for the first time in over a year. It was at drama club practice, and he quickly ended up asking the director if we could remove that scene from the play. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25675

You deserved it

2697

Favorite

By thedoc - United States - Amarillo

No kink-shaming on FML

Today, my wife was putting her finger in my bellybutton and making overly sexual noises. I thought this was all fun and games until I realized she was actually into this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56382

You deserved it

6917

Favorite

By walkingonsunshine - France

Today, my long term boyfriend took me to my favorite restaurant. After the main course he knelt down and finally proposed to me. I was so happy I almost cried. Until an old woman came over and said I was way to old for him. I'm 3 years younger than my fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39790

You deserved it

2686

Favorite

By addicted2v - United States

Today, I found out the guy that my girlfriend introduced as her brother was actually her boyfriend. I also paid for him to come out with us to the movies several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44780

You deserved it

4121

Favorite

By Uwrongfodat - United States - Denton

Today, I had my college graduation ceremony. As I was walking across the stage, some asshat, in front of over 55,000 students and staff, brazenly ran across the stage, snatched my diploma up out of the president's hand, and ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61671

You deserved it

4255

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mum thought it would be acceptable to tell my school that the reason I will not be attending classes is because I have "the shits." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32620

You deserved it

3213

Favorite

By Shoutout1011

Today, my 6-month-old daughter decided she'd scream every time I'd answer her cries instead of her daddy. He just left for a 12-hour shift at work. Only 11 more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4520

You deserved it

450

Favorite

By cockblocked - United States - Goose Creek

Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14833

You deserved it

23799

Favorite

By young and dumb - United States - Trenton

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13611

You deserved it

3183

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I snuck into the bathroom together at his house for a quickie. Just as we unzipped our pants, his step-dad knocked on the door. Panicking, I jumped into the closet to hide. When his step-dad came in, he went to put some towels away. In the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16056

You deserved it

41989

Favorite

By ke - United States

Today, I did something clever at work and I was telling one of the other girls about it. I said "Just using my noodle" and went to tap my temple but instead I jabbed myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7821

You deserved it

30737

Favorite

By firefighter - United States

Today, in Chem, I was chosen to hold the fire extinguisher just in case something happened while showing how to blow up a dangerous chemical. My teacher told me to spray if anything got out of control. He lit the fire and I freaked out and sprayed it. The entire wing of my school was evacuted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11102

You deserved it

45190

Favorite

By NotABeatenWoman - United States - Charleston

Today, I found out everyone in my neighborhood thinks that I'm a beaten woman due to the reoccurring ambulances in front of my house at night. My kid just chokes on everything, and they don't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24099

You deserved it

2343

Favorite

By CheeseAndCrackers - 30/4/2020 08:00

Everyone loves a weepie

Today, my always over-emotional husband burst into sobs when I thanked him for making me lunch. Apparently, I did not compliment his cooking enough. He microwaved me a Hot Pocket; it was still frozen in the middle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1600

You deserved it

215

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work on a smoke break. I work at a truck stop, and it was around 2am. This old man pulls in and asks me if I would like to join him for some dinner. I said no, and told him I was working. He replies, "How much do you charge?" Apparently, even in sweats I look like a hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33970

You deserved it

6655

Favorite

By AreYouSerious

Today, after working 85 hours in a single week, I finally got my paycheck. $500. Apparently I got a pay cut without anyone telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3029

You deserved it

146

Favorite

By idiot - France

Today, my son stuck coins in our DVD player. It would be cute if he wasn't 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39456

You deserved it

5835

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, my flight was at the other side of the airport. I ran to the gate, to find that the flight had moved to the other side of the airport. So I ran again to miss my plane by a minute. However I did get a new flight... at the other end of the airport. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26952

You deserved it

1939

Favorite

By sucksssssss - France

Today, while at work, my boss asked me to clean the bathroom. Someone pooped on the floor and I stepped in it, dropping my manager's keys into the toilet. I then had to clean up my shoe and the floor and put my hand in the toilet to get the keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34059

You deserved it

3967

Favorite

By jen - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them tells a funny story about how he filled a condom with syrup and put it in his friend's mouth while he was asleep. Me with my big mouth starts to say, "Condoms taste na--" and stopped myself as everyone started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7706

You deserved it

27747

Favorite

By yogabbagabba - United States

Today, I fell asleep during naptime. I'm the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20154

You deserved it

38665

Favorite

By drpepperking10 - United States

Today, I was kissing my crush for the first time and her tooth fell out into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16229

Phew, glad it wasn't me

3238

Favorite

By Septy - Spain - M?laga

Today, my sick semi-delusional boyfriend, whom I've been taking care of for days, accused me of trying to poison him so that I could play World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20701

You deserved it

1848

Favorite

By I Like My Cat - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found out that the tinsel on my Christmas tree is worth a couple of hundred euros per strand. Well, that's how much the two that were surgically removed from my cat have cost me. At least the cat's going to be fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21885

You deserved it

13261

Favorite

By doubledown - United States

Today, I went to the bar I go to every week. My favorite bartender told me I owed $50 for a tab because the waiter screwed up and undercharged me. The tab was from when my friends bought me drinks to cheer me up because my girlfriend moved away. I ended up paying for my own drinks plus theirs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52082

You deserved it

3424

Favorite

By UnluckyTeen - Singapore

Today, I went to retrieve my stolen wallet from the train station. After I collected it, I returned to the place where I parked my bike to find that my bike had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35761

You deserved it

3395

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45680

You deserved it

21837

Favorite

By igotsbadluck - United States - Smyrna

Today, while walking into a hotel room, I passed by a full-sized mirror. My reflection scared me so badly that I punched the mirror, which then shattered and resulted in several cuts to my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24018

You deserved it

41852

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Columbia

Today, my boyfriend texted me, saying, "I'm running a bath. Wanna come over and learn about water displacement?" I excitedly drove over, thinking he wanted to have some fun. No, he really did want to teach me about water displacement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36784

You deserved it

6907

Favorite

By CollegeBound - United States - Tully

Today, at age eighteen, I finished moving out of my parents' house and into my own. The only person to even remotely give a shit was my sister, and that was only because I was taking the cat with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24180

You deserved it

2342

Favorite

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Top comments

By phorcep | 0

#2036412 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:07

Well if you didn't, you certainly will now.

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#2036501 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:21

i once said "hey, you have to preheat the oven first" when my boyfriend wanted to skip foreplay while i needed some fun first.

COMMENTS

By phorcep | 0

#2036412 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:07

Well if you didn't, you certainly will now.

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2036482 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:19

I like to fantasise about food during sex as well

Jonkbaby | 19

#2036673 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 13:23

lol 1

USAF_girl | 3

#2037087 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 16:10

Maybe he going to claim it on his taxes as a charitable donation?? lol

Jonkbaby | 19

#2037363 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 17:48

38 that was adorable

iloveloosy12 | 0

#2038973 - Thursday 3 February 2011 0:30

hahaha and that's where the vibrator comes in handy

Luke1717 | 0

#2042859 - Friday 4 February 2011 4:14

10 your description is win

SchiTzenGiglez | 0

#2055013 - Monday 7 February 2011 12:59

agreed

By XxMiNtYXx | 4

#2036414 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:07

random enough lol

By davidjr_saldana | 0

#2036423 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:10

u know i have a bad memory & if i don't say things on the spot i forget!

By gabinel1 | 0

#2036427 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:10

thats the sexiest thing.

EffinToofer | 3

#2036453 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:13

Yeah. Maybe he has a "one-legged homeless guy with hotdog" fetish. Hawt!

Jonkbaby | 19

#2036731 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 13:44

uh. don't see much sexist ABOUT it. do your homework. hello? fail. >.<

DSmoothx9 | 0

#2036944 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 15:17

he said sexiest you do your homework

SmallTownCutie | 0

#2036947 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 15:18

25- wtf?

By afdude87 | 6

#2036467 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:16

just have a go at round two. not like it was your last chance ever at having an orgasm.

DjeePee | 24

#2036750 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 13:52

No, but for women it is more important to be in the right mood than it is for men. Thanks to her boyfriend, OP's mood is propably completely gone. I doubt she even wanted a round two at that moment.

Jonkbaby | 19

#2036754 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 13:54

I can't shake the feeling that it's kinda her fault

MaximilianMarche | 0

#2037673 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 19:30

agree

NuTrees | 9

#2818658 - Monday 4 July 2011 14:57

speak for your self hun round two carries on!

By dudehaha | 4

#2036473 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:16

it never stops amazing what people say when having sex!...

By mrl2468 | 0

#2036478 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:17

I'd be pissed. I hate when guys do that

EatnBeef | 7

#2043046 - Friday 4 February 2011 5:42

deal with it. I'll do whatever the fuck I want in bed. I could be thrusting then see a squirrel and go chase it.

EatnBeef | 7

#2043049 - Friday 4 February 2011 5:43

deal with it. I'll do whatever the fuck I want. I could be thrusting then see a squirrel and then jump out the window to chase it leaving you confused ad alone to finish yourself.

By usarmywife | 19

#2036480 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:18

guys have the most random thoughts during sex!

jrtepechis | 6

#2036848 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 14:38

hooah !

krazy_glu3 | 0

#2040466 - Thursday 3 February 2011 7:52

oorah!!!!

minesbiggerr | 25

#6099481 - Saturday 25 October 2014 3:53

Like girls don't?

By XxMiNtYXx | 4

#2036491 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:20

haha ^ 6

Jonkbaby | 19

#2036791 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 14:07

uh. that's 9. maybe don't surf upside down. yyyeah.. >.<

fisheatsbear | 6

#2037175 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 16:38

methinks 29 is either
a) new to the internets
b) retarded or
c) trolling, and failing at it

Jonkbaby | 19

#2037183 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 16:41

d) living as I dam well please. this is America- you do your thing and leave me THE hell alone

djxtones | 0

#2037386 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 17:58

meanwhile in Finland.... lol. I love your comments... except you did miss the "e" in sexiest earlier. lol

DjeePee | 24

#2037393 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 18:00

Woooh, is this America?! Wow! Great! Supaaaaaaah! Eventhough it just looks like my own home, in Belgium, where I sit in front of my laptop...but still, Americaaaaa!

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#2036501 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:21

i once said "hey, you have to preheat the oven first" when my boyfriend wanted to skip foreplay while i needed some fun first.

insanesna1l | 0

#2036547 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:33

haha so true