Intimacy: Good morning to you too

Good morning to you too

By sllaggy - 18/04/2011 09:34

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered, "Slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 445

You deserved it 22 063

Intimacy

Vulture

Broken heart

Stand up guy

New or used?

By Dez Johnson - 07/03/2021 11:01

Today, I discovered that my old roommate had left a full bag of cat litter on my porch and all over my yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 56

By JulieKid - 04/05/2009 17:19 - United States

Today, I stepped out of my car and slipped on a fresh coating of ice on the ground. I tried to catch myself by grabbing the car on my way down, but unfortunately, I was trying to grab with the hand that was holding my car keys. I key-scratched my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 467

You deserved it 7 778

By Anonymous - 08/11/2009 11:12 - Germany

Today, some friends and I went to Cosmic Bowling where they have a blacklight. Everyone's teeth were glowing. Mine weren't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 942

You deserved it 40 453

By immaturity all around - 31/03/2013 17:55 - United States

Today, I came home in tears over finding out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. I told my seemingly sympathetic dad everything. His advice was to lure them both to our house with the promise of a three-way, after which he'd "kill the shit" out of them. Real mature, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 726

You deserved it 6 958

By Anon_a_mouse - 30/03/2011 19:59 - Reserved

Today, I came home from a week-long vacation, only to find my mother-in-law didn't just dog-sit while I was gone; she moved in, along with all her possessions, and seems to think it's a permanent deal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 252

You deserved it 3 674

By tabbycacti - 30/11/2015 13:06 - Australia

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light. I saw my neighbour and her new boyfriend crossing the road, then noticed as he started grabbing his crotch, but thought nothing of it. They both then pulled down their pants and urinated in the middle of the busy intersection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 893

You deserved it 1 773

By Anonymous - 24/01/2012 00:10 - United States

Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 447

You deserved it 2 915

By stoggie96 - 22/04/2012 15:34 - United States - Wooster

Today, I realized that both my husband and son refer to me as "the bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 520

You deserved it 29 045

By WIIslave - 14/12/2009 07:49 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to get a pulled arm muscle checked. I told him I had been bowling, and it had just started to hurt badly. He said it was normal for a man of my age (35) to pull a muscle when lifting a ball of 12-15 pounds. I then told him it was on my son's Wii. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 901

You deserved it 28 952

By Sammy - 27/04/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My husband, the father of the baby, got a birdie on the golf course at the exact same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 740

You deserved it 5 533

Systemic

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 04:00

Today my 98-year-old grandad has Alzheimer’s and seems to think I’m his senior officer from his first years as a police officer. Apparently a lot of illegal shit went on in those days, when cops were bigger crooks than the actual criminals were. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 012

You deserved it 70

By Anonymous - 03/02/2014 21:29 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear. I thought it was a sweet thing to do, until I saw him open a slit in its back while visiting later in the day and removing a bag of weed. He gave me a teddy bear just so he could smuggle drugs past my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 308

You deserved it 6 670

By broooooock - 16/07/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, it dawned on me that I've been married for 6 months, but because of the Army I've spent only around 12 days total with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 532

You deserved it 13 376

By lonelyandbored - 31/05/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, I was dirty texting my boyfriend since we couldn't see each other this weekend. We were getting really into it when he said, "If only you were this good in real life." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 242

You deserved it 11 156

By soontobewidow - 28/03/2015 09:20 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 196

You deserved it 3 960

By MiniJeans - 30/04/2015 02:25 - United States - Casselberry

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I moved my leg to wrap it around him and accidentally hit his penis. Without thinking, I said, "Sorry little guy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 209

You deserved it 12 242

By yellowjacket_34 - 13/11/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 773

You deserved it 54 383

By klala - 08/02/2012 14:07 - Reserved

Today, my boss asked me if I could work on Valentine's Day because there was no chance of me having a date. She's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 102

You deserved it 3 361

By Anonymous - 20/04/2013 02:55 - United States - Hebron

Today, I went on my first date. Everything went great until I went to brush my date's hair over her ear like they do in the movies. I poked her dead in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 815

You deserved it 16 299

By blinded - 05/07/2009 16:10 - United States

Today, my little brother learned that breaking a glow stick and emptying it into someone's eyes does not help them see in the dark. It's a good lesson, I just wish he hadn't used my eyes to learn it. The doctor says the burning feeling should go away in 3 or 4 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 695

You deserved it 5 044

By Drew - 05/08/2010 05:18 - United States

Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair... with her cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 534

You deserved it 4 337

By Weirdo - 06/12/2011 22:20 - United States

Today, my family took me to a steak house. I went for an eight minute bathroom break, coming back to an empty table. They ordered dessert, and left me the bill. I'm a vegetarian, and it's my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 875

You deserved it 4 795

By JL. - 16/03/2019 00:00

Today I was trying to show off to my mother about how much detail I placed into my group project that I had to do tomorrow. I then proceeded to delete the project thinking that I was just removing it from my phone.... Everyone's research and my 3 day's of hard work went with it. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1 014

You deserved it 2 522

Living a lie

By Anonymous - 18/08/2020 14:01

Today, I get a scornful look when I try to talk to my husband, let alone try to cheer him up, because he is "severely depressed." Well, unless a friend or neighbor knocks on the door, then he’s the life of the party. Right until they leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 568

You deserved it 263

By OhGreat - 30/04/2011 20:30 - United States

Today, my dad went through my room while I was out and threw away the "inappropriate pictures" that he found. They're the nudes I've been working on for art class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 947

You deserved it 5 194

By mizzleshizzle - 09/03/2010 18:42 - Canada

Today, I dropped my physics class because I thought I bombed the 50% second midterm test. I got my results an hour after dropping online. I finished with an 83. I can't get back into the course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 278

You deserved it 64 616

By Uriyahu - 20/09/2010 22:11 - United States

Today, a drunk driver crashed in through my living room wall. Not only that, but he managed to completely miss the first two houses on the block, which should have been a barrier before mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 080

You deserved it 3 226

By oldskoolfun - 26/12/2015 23:04 - United States - Warminster

Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 356

You deserved it 10 616

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 14:00 - Japan

Today, my friend and I dressed up as dice for Halloween. The rest of the night consisted of us, harassed by drunks asking, 'Can we roll you around?' and constantly being shaken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 360

You deserved it 32 848

Worldstar! Worldstar!

By Anonymous - 05/09/2020 08:04 - United States

Today, I went to buy some flowers for the anniversary of my grandpa's death. I was feeling sad as I finished paying, but as soon as I got near the exit, two women started fighting at the door. We had to wait for the fight to finish because the staff decided to record it and not break it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 163

You deserved it 100

By Cody - 19/07/2010 13:59 - United States

Today, my kids surprised me when I got home. One of them played the Rocky theme song on the stereo, and the other came up to me and said, "Daddy, let's go. We need you to drop about 15 pounds before you appear in front of all of our friends at our play." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 713

You deserved it 8 029

Irony

By DeepCleanAcne - 02/09/2017 20:00

Today, I found out that my intense acne is actually an allergic reaction to the "deep clean" product I've been using to reduce it. I've been using this product for the past ten years. Ten years of suffering through "acne" could have been easily avoided. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 764

You deserved it 1 142

By single - 01/07/2011 09:12 - China

Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 782

You deserved it 4 503

By Great - 29/05/2015 12:13 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was on the train going to work when my travel tea cup began spilling inside my purse, which was on my lap. It went all over my skirt, pooled at the bottom of my feet, and, yes, everyone notice that it happened to be piss-colored yellow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 009

You deserved it 4 554

Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

By Anonymous - 10/07/2020 23:01

Today, my fiancé and I decided to just have a small wedding and have a big reception later, out of concern for everyone’s health and safety. My mother won’t stop asking us, “What’s the point now?” I thought our marriage was the point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 574

You deserved it 120

By 404: fuck not given - 23/11/2014 16:34 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 921

You deserved it 5 558

By LordAdam - 14/06/2009 13:16 - Australia

Today, I accidentally left my concession card in the photocopier. I then got fined for not having a concession card on the train. I was photocopying it for a letter to get out of a fine for not having a concession card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 065

You deserved it 42 174

By dating a big bag of dicks - 13/05/2014 21:02 - United States

Today, while driving out to the countryside with my new boyfriend, we came across a deer lying in the road. It seemed badly hurt, but instead of letting me get out and make sure, my boyfriend decided to just run over its head to finish it off, then continued driving with a smirk on his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 384

You deserved it 9 181

By Anonymous - 01/06/2016 11:05 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, I've been chronically constipated so long that I was actually grateful for the sudden blast of diarrhea that ruined my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 441

You deserved it 838

The long con

By Anonymous - 25/09/2020 23:01 - United States - San Bernardino

Today, I had expired soda and stale chips for my dinner. Why? Because my mother spent all our grocery money on organic food for her chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 191

You deserved it 150

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Top comments

cydvicious 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 15:59

sounds like you woke up at your boyfriend's MOTHER'S house. I will never understand that!!

khaya 9

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:05

Imagine what she muttered while making toast.

soccerchick_1994 8

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Monday 18 April 2011 15:58

well obviously she doesnt like you... fyl

iZDa 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:04

well nobody likes u

iZDa 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:08

well obviosly nobody likes u

yohooooooo 5

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:13

well obviously we have uhh mothers who hate their sons boyfriends... screw it at least I tried-_-

iZDa 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:19

-.- fail

scottishandrew1 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:37

super fail

Snodes 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:38

what if she has tourettes syndrome

thisguy22 33

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Monday 18 April 2011 17:13

people with tourettes don't really swear...

MissBunny25 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 18:03

you should have said thank you! she gave you a compliment, you ungrateful bastard.

bloobelly 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 18:04

24, your picture is pure EPICNESS!

manbearpig123456 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 18:16

actually 53 people with tourettes do swear.

HollyoaksFan93 9

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Monday 18 April 2011 18:20

Mega Fail xD

SaintkushMatt 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 18:30

ahaha that's great.

SaintkushMatt 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 18:30

ahaha that's great.

Gen2105 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 18:40

24's picture actually scares me a little... :/

Cupcaken 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 18:41

10% does.

Lunaa94 6

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Monday 18 April 2011 15:58

Screw her. She's just jealous :)

ImaWiseGuy 5

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:03

haha, jealous of the fact that the op's fucking her son?

cyanidesandwich 21

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:13

lol WIN!!!

aussie_gemini 5

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:24

why is it when ever anyone says anything nasty these days they must be jealous? can't she just dislike her and believe she's a slut?

TheRealLori 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:57

Then she needs to shut up and learn her place, or move out and get her own life. Either way, op should have seen it coming.

MissBunny25 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 17:42

48, Boners is kidding, you know that, right?

khaya 9

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Monday 18 April 2011 18:06

Maybe it's not his mother but a woman he has bought to do chores. Women are pretty cheap these days, at the moment I am waiting for my order. (so excited)

Wuuper 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 15:59

Not cool

muchagente 5

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:12

she didn't say they fucked. this reply was written to no 8

cydvicious 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 15:59

sounds like you woke up at your boyfriend's MOTHER'S house. I will never understand that!!

lidemocr 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 17:21

no shit!

thepersonyouknow 9

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:00

shes just mad bcuz ur dating her son

ceddyz17 10

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:03

*as

yake12 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:06

I think it was "I enjoy cheese"

ceddyz17 10

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:01

sad long as you love him your all good

Pokeemon 3

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:56

pokemon

ceddyz17 10

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Monday 18 April 2011 17:21

gotta catch em all

jcowsert2 5

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Monday 18 April 2011 17:28

nintendo store in NYC? haha I have the exact same pic wit pikachu haha

abceasyas123abc 12

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Monday 18 April 2011 17:36

Aww

ceddyz17 10

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Monday 18 April 2011 17:45

hell yes #64

khaya 9

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:05

Imagine what she muttered while making toast.

ComTlancy 12

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Monday 18 April 2011 16:29

"marmalade"

lidemocr 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 17:22

nice :)

glass_half_fool 0

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Monday 18 April 2011 17:42

why would us "failure to launch" guys want to leave our safe houses to go out to a world of assuming, stuck up, bitches as yourself? Miss "I'm hot shit" because I moved out like every other grown adult.. I'm 20, working, and going to school does that make me a waste? No I'm saving money so not to struggle

Aoifexzx 3

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Monday 18 April 2011 18:08

whoreme- oh sorry I mean WHOLEmeal bread or White?

jewknowit710 2

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Monday 18 April 2011 18:22

or you could put your big boy pants on and get an appt. struggle is what makes us strong, not stability your the same guy who hasn't been in a fight so ur afraid of confrontation. I can say it cause I was that guy till senior year of high school