Sex and Intimacy: Say yes - FML

Say yes

By fuckingdonuts - 18/05/2015 02:54 - United States - Edmond

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to ask if I wanted to get donuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 964

You deserved it 5 160

Walk the line

Are you experienced?

I'm not a monster, I'm a human being

By Anonymous - 02/06/2009 11:05 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of over a year finally told me he loved me. This revelation was quickly followed by "at least, I think this is how people feel when they say that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 543

You deserved it 5 365

By notaprossie - 03/02/2010 08:42 - South Africa

Today, I went to a dress up party. The theme was pirates and prostitutes. At the door I was handed a voucher that said: 'Thank you for dressing up. Collect your free drink at the bar.' I didn't dress up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 530

You deserved it 39 093

By 242795 - 24/09/2016 06:12 - United States - Buies Creek

Today, after finally deciding to push past my extreme shyness, I talked to the person beside me in class. I was so nervous that when I went to take a sip of my coffee, it slipped out of my hand and splashed all over both of us. Not only did I ruin her white dress, but I also gave her mild burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 202

You deserved it 1 400

By somechick - 09/12/2009 05:25 - Canada

Today, I was eating a bag of almonds I got from the bulk food store, picking off what I thought was stringy remnants of their shells. When I finally got down to the bottom of the bag, I found a silk worm circling around the last almond left of a bag of about 200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 290

You deserved it 6 072

First Dates

By Anonymous - 05/12/2020 23:06 - United States - Hesperia

Today, a guy took me on a date to McDonald’s. I smiled, but told him politely that I don’t eat fast food. He called me a stuck-up snob and a high maintenance gold digger who didn’t deserve him. I’m neither. I have IBS and greasy food sets me off. I had to walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 278

You deserved it 129

By lindsaykay - 18/04/2012 00:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 045

You deserved it 4 091

Early wake-up

By Bir - 08/12/2019 14:00 - Nepal

Today, my nephew grabbed my balls to wake me up at 4 AM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 728

You deserved it 159

By Ferniferousfern - 02/03/2018 15:00

Today, I went to the dentist for a tooth extraction. Not only were they not able to extract all of it, but after 7 injections, I was still screaming. The best part? Their referral to someone else fell through, so I head back tomorrow to finish the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 847

You deserved it 311

By TheBeautifulOne - 23/08/2012 13:42 - United Kingdom - Ayr

Today, I met a girl I used to make fun of in high school. She was taking my fingerprints after I was arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 097

You deserved it 81 955

Scarred

By Anonymous - 27/05/2020 14:00

Today, my niece asked why my veins were so close to my skin. She was referring to my stretch marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 222

You deserved it 149

Classic

By Stooped - 25/03/2021 09:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I paid my long-distance boyfriend of 4 years a surprise visit. I entered his house and he got irrationally angry, asking why didn’t I tell him beforehand. Moments later, a female voice yelled, "Babe come back to bed!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 603

You deserved it 195

By nekkiddrunk - 14/01/2010 02:04 - United States

Today, I locked myself, drunk and naked, out of my hotel room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 875

You deserved it 40 516

By nevergonnatrust - 18/11/2010 09:23

Spicy

Today, I found out that while I see a therapist for my trust issues, my husband sleeps with our nanny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 400

You deserved it 3 601

Grab it while you can

By Arabian_Soap - 31/05/2021 16:01 - Australia - Mermaid Beach

Today, I was walking through a rich part of the city and saw 2 dollars on the ground. I didn't pick it so people wouldn't think I was poor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 272

You deserved it 1 076

By iskalion - 10/10/2015 05:39 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents over lunch. Unfortunately, I showed my dad her Facebook profile beforehand and he wouldn't stop making cracks about her duckfacing. It started with "Don't let her eat the bread, it'll puff up in her stomach and kill her", and ended in tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 270

You deserved it 5 384

By CA19oo - 20/03/2012 01:03 - United States - Buford

Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 684

You deserved it 2 062

By kahemae44 - 27/10/2009 10:20 - United States

Today, I visited my boyfriend's house excited about the romantic night he promised me. As time passed, we started making out and heading up to his room. Rose petals and candles filled his room. "How romantic", I thought. That is, until we saw his 5 year old sister blowing up condom balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 337

You deserved it 5 538

By onething - 08/07/2009 17:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend picked me up to come spend the night at his house, and on the way he started pulling over to get some condoms. I told him no need, I was on my period. He turned the car around and took me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 676

You deserved it 17 874

Oh, hi

By Fifi - 16/04/2018 05:00

Today, my husband popped out to the hotel gym while I jumped in the shower. After a while I heard a knock on the door. Thinking it was him, I cheekily opened the door in my naked glory to be greeted by the maid. I didn’t know do-not-disturb signs aren’t double sided. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 474

You deserved it 3 342

By TotaledBeamer - 03/06/2019 22:09

Today, I found out how much damage my neighbor's 5-year-old kid can do to my brand-new BMW with a baseball bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 238

You deserved it 146

By Anonymous - 09/05/2014 22:03 - South Africa

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 235

You deserved it 4 300

By marsbar - 15/03/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 668

You deserved it 20 055

By Anonymous - 28/09/2010 20:42 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked how long he'd have to wait until he could ask out my best friend. We broke up yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 490

You deserved it 3 211

Chill out, Bugs

By trex_life - 14/03/2021 20:00

Today, I bought my sister a bunny and all it does is try to bang my cat, and shit and piss in my room to mark its territory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 484

By Sean - 01/05/2013 04:44 - Canada - L'assomption

Today, from the balcony of my apartment, I watched helplessly as a teen came along and peed through my car's open window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 045

You deserved it 12 161

By jnr1234 - 20/06/2012 02:15 - United States - Princeton

Today, I was sent a letter by the vet, saying my cat was late for her yearly checkup. My cat died last week and I'd had her cremated by the same people who had sent the letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 536

You deserved it 2 459

By No Job - 01/10/2015 01:42 - United States - Prairieville

Today, I was supposed to start my new job. I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment, so I called work early and told them I wouldn't be able to start until tomorrow. My boss then terminated my employment. I got fired before I even started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 325

You deserved it 30 517

By Marie Foster - 27/07/2019 08:00 - United States

Today, I was talking to my online therapist about my problems with relationships, mainly that guys only want sex and don't listen to me. After I'd confided in him, and told him how I felt about my issues, he told me he would marry me and have my children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 869

You deserved it 208

By fishoutofwater - 03/12/2015 04:22 - United States - Radcliff

Today, in an attempt to broaden my horizons in another sport besides swimming, I succeeded in getting a frisbee spiked into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 860

You deserved it 1 535

By oreoblizzard619 - 25/09/2012 12:13 - United States

Today, after meeting my girlfriend's family and trying my hardest to impress them, she told me that they came up with a nickname for me. My new name is "Matt the Doormat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 491

You deserved it 3 168

By kilo1_13 - 04/06/2009 01:35 - United States

Today, I was working at my retail job. A customer stopped me on my way to break saying "someone" had broken a snow globe. She showed me where it was and I cleaned it up with her circling me. I finished and put the cleaning supplies away when I heard a 'crash' as the same woman dropped another snow globe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 951

You deserved it 2 503

By Anonymous - 12/02/2010 07:44 - Canada

Today, I was robbed at work. The guy stole my cell phone, bag, and laptop. Because of the robbery, I had to close the store two and a half hours early. My boss decided to dock my hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 658

You deserved it 2 516

Stereotypes

By Anonymous - 26/09/2019 06:01

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 463

You deserved it 307

By neverunderstood - 02/12/2016 12:39 - Italy - San Pietro In Casale

Today, my wife suddenly texted me to meet her halfway beetween our house and the supermarket. I immediately put my shoes on and started walking eager to get to her as fast as I could to surprise her. Turns out she was carrying three heavy bags and yelled at me for being slow and by foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 370

You deserved it 1 400

Treat yourself

By dll - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had a bubble bath to help me relax. I was more stressed out by the sound of all the bubbles popping than I was to begin with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 312

You deserved it 9 097

By oops... - 19/06/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, as a frog biologist I was out in the field searching for a relatively rare frog species. After three hours I finally heard the frog call and I crept closer and closer to the sound until... squish... I stepped on the very frog I was trying to collect. They're endangered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 270

You deserved it 20 018

Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?

By kitty - 11/11/2012 10:10 - Australia

Today, I watched my neighbor shake cat food calling, "Come here Mollie" at his back door. I then saw my own cat run into his house. I now know why my cat is so fat and never replies to me calling her Bonnie. I guess I'm being cheated on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 956

You deserved it 3 008

Rich people problems

By Anonymous - 02/09/2021 05:01

Today, I got a gift from my wife. It was a beautiful watch. The same exact watch I'd sold to our local jewelers for 6k. She bought it for 10k. When I told her, she said, "Hmmm, I thought it looked familiar." There goes 4K from our joint account. I could’ve thought of 4000 ways to spend that money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 631

Courtesy visit

By hottytodday - 12/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Oxford

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 357

You deserved it 325

Tesla was robbed

By Fuck you, Tesla. - 21/09/2021 14:00

Today, my car ran out of battery. I'm writing this from the middle of the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 512

You deserved it 567

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:01

It probably depends on the person, but I would have been totally up for that. Food is life.

xluciferx666 21

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:03

I would have said fuck yeah to doughnuts how can you deny the deliciousness of doughnuts

Comments

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:00

As long as you both finished, I don't see what the problem is

lolhailsatan 23

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:05

It says "the middle of sex" so I'm assuming that no, they did not both finish.

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:56

I wouldn't be mad..

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 2:23

#9 you're ignoring the possibility that the mention of donuts brought them both immediately to climax.

wanted_2_want 40

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 5:59

Or.. It could be that he wants to use a new code word for something more kinky...

Drosophila82 18

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 8:41

Depends what donuts we're talking

Spankydamonkey 2

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 8:41

you sound like my wife #34.

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:00

Some things are just more important

dreamful_artist 14

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:01

Not gonna lie, that's pretty funny.

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:01

It probably depends on the person, but I would have been totally up for that. Food is life.

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 4:41

and love don't forget love

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:02

maybe because having having sex with the doughnut could actually make him cum

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 15:44

Oh you're sick -_-

BoxFullOfLazy 25

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Wednesday 20 May 2015 5:39

Reminds me of that scene from Van Wilder.

coolbeansbruh 13

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Monday 20 July 2015 11:07

*donut

xluciferx666 21

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:03

I would have said fuck yeah to doughnuts how can you deny the deliciousness of doughnuts

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 6:29

I know right, who would say no to doughnuts.

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 7:22

#6 Well sure, but why not get them after the sex, not during.

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 15:26

better yet why not get them during sex

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:04

mayb its his way of lasting longer...though that is odd

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Thursday 21 May 2015 17:19

Or maybe he just got hungry. Having sex makes people hungry o;

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:04

well??? what did you say?? u surely didn't turn down a good donut after good sex.

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:05

Mmmm donuts .

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:23

D'oh!

igg125 30

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:33

I read both comments in Homers voice

whitetiger13131 26

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 0:27

5, I think that was the plan. ;)

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Monday 18 May 2015 23:05

CHOOSE THE FOOD. Who knows, it might give you more pleasure than your boyfriend.

OysterPearls 33

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Tuesday 19 May 2015 4:55

I heard that the section of your brain that produces dopamine after eating food is the same part that releases dopamine during sex, so you're not too far off!

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 468

You deserved it 584