Intimacy: Hangry sex

Hangry sex

By Krissy - 06/04/2012 02:11 - United States

Today, during sex, my boyfriend stopped and asked if he could eat a sandwich while we do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 069

You deserved it 4 828

Intimacy

Compromises

Compassionate

Great question

By Evra - 16/04/2015 05:04 - United States

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 112

You deserved it 6 071

By Melie-Melo - 16/12/2008 07:55 - United Kingdom

Today, after repairing the toilet, the light, the shower, the cooker and the heater in the flat I've just moved into, my boiler dies. It's mid December, about 1 degree outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 050

You deserved it 2 151

By tman - 14/10/2010 08:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 321

You deserved it 3 294

By MB101 - 28/09/2012 00:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to sing at karaoke. I sang a romantic love ballad to him. He dedicated Rick James' "Super Freak" to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 197

You deserved it 5 294

By donny31459 - 10/08/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, I got a ticket from a cop for not riding my bike in the bike lane. I wasn't riding in the bike lane because I was avoiding construction work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 017

You deserved it 3 945

By why - 05/04/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 654

You deserved it 6 581

By xricardo - 05/06/2010 00:52 - United States

Today, I was mistaken for a male prostitute because I was walking home while wearing my speedo after a swim in the public pool. I was arrested and had to stay in a room full of convicts for 4 hours. Still in a speedo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 912

You deserved it 26 304

By Anonymous - 29/03/2014 02:00 - United States - Kent

Today, I went on a trip to Cleveland. After getting lunch, my brother and I started walking back to my car. Halfway there, we were jumped, threatened with a knife, and yelled at to hand over our money. The only thing my brother could do was ask our mugger, "Uh, what gender are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 836

You deserved it 3 681

By clubber - 04/11/2008 04:16 - Switzerland

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 236

You deserved it 9 012

By NoDocVisit - 27/07/2016 02:27 - United States - Parrish

Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doc. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 985

You deserved it 1 111

By Baby Bethy - 25/12/2016 04:00 - United States

Today, I went to bed at noon after having driven 11 hours from Washington to Maine. I missed my flight due to a delayed plane, and was told there were no open flights the next 2 days. I'd been driving my $200 rental car for 1.5 hrs when the airport told me, over the phone, that there was in fact a flight available. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 676

You deserved it 563

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got out her phone to schedule an appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 461

You deserved it 2 952

By KPKallery - 05/06/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. I was sitting on the sofa when I felt that I need to ajust my sitting arangment. After moving, I felt a small toy snap under me. The little boy said it was fine. One hour later he snuck up on me and beat me with an umbrella for breaking his toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 624

You deserved it 11 709

By newdad - 06/09/2010 23:21 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 716

You deserved it 5 981

By Anonymous - 31/07/2009 15:10 - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 576

You deserved it 7 145

Wham!

By Omar Khalaf - 28/09/2017 01:30

Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 014

You deserved it 384

By KL - 05/06/2009 19:46 - Canada

Today, I was at a club with a friend. A cute guy kept smiling and looking over at me. He left his seat and went to the bar and brought back two drinks. He waved me over and then said, "Can you tell your hot friend that I bought her a drink?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 378

You deserved it 4 989

Symphonic

By Anonymous - 30/01/2014 22:46 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked, "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 748

You deserved it 4 896

By no I've never asked for anal - 20/09/2015 13:44 - United States - Buffalo

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend constantly mentioning pegging and asking me to let her do it, I caved and figured I might as well stand by my "try anything once" rule. Her response? Saying she knew I was gay all along and dumping me. The fuck? FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 637

You deserved it 3 712

Smoking hot dude

By Anonymous - 05/07/2018 19:00

Today, I told my parents that I'm a smoker. My mother started crying, and said she worried I was gay, but this is almost as bad. That lead on to part two of my confession. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 199

You deserved it 692

By Ban Hammered - 25/05/2016 10:35 - United States - New York

Today, I babysat my neighbor's twin 4-year-old girls again. When I took them out for lunch, they apparently had been addressing themselves as "my bitches", taught to them by their devil spawn 13-year-old brother. Everyone, including Chuck E. Cheese himself, was not pleased. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 344

You deserved it 853

By Anonymous - 17/10/2018 17:30

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend's family for the first time. Unfortunately, I have diarrhoea and keep leaving extremely smelly farts around the house. I blame the dog every time, but I think they're catching on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 906

You deserved it 495

By Anonymous - 02/01/2011 00:51 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me to stuff my bra before going to a party with him and his friends because he didn't want to be embarrassed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 473

You deserved it 5 169

By Blondie - 23/03/2009 20:37 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from a detective in response to my stolen car that has been missing since St. Patrick's Day. He told me that he had found my car, but was chuckling the whole time. Turns out, I had parked my car in a different lot. I haven't had it for a week. It was never stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 233

You deserved it 92 705

Relax

By Anonymous - 07/01/2021 00:01 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, in the attempt to have a relaxing self-care evening, I ran a bath, threw in some bath salts then put a face mask on and hopped on in. After about 7 minutes of relaxing, my back started burning, so I got out only to discover the bath salts have given me a rash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 89

By Anonymous - 18/09/2015 06:04 - United States - New Albany

Today, I was running late for school and accidentally ran a red light and got pulled over. I couldn't find the registration and was freaking out, when the cop told me that he wouldn't give me a ticket if he could give me some advice. His advice? Don't wear your shirt inside-out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 505

You deserved it 4 554

By Anonymous - 11/03/2019 22:00

Today, I organized a party at my place, invited 20 people, bought snacks and cancelled my workout. Nobody showed up. I ended up eating a whole ciabatta alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 546

You deserved it 229

By WhoaThere - 18/12/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, a cute guy asked for my phone number and I gladly gave it to him. I was feeling really good about myself for getting hit on by the star football player. That was until he called 8 times and left 5 messages. In 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 394

You deserved it 9 616

Grossed out

By Anonymous - 10/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 682

You deserved it 311

By notinthebutt - 14/06/2011 17:57 - United States

Today, my friend sent me an online money transfer. After forgetting the password and locking myself out of my account, I had to phone up the bank and have it reset. I was prompted to answer the security question, which was "What, what?" I had to say "In the butt." to get my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 301

You deserved it 64 168

By knock_out - 16/07/2010 01:12 - United States

Today, my girlfriend won't have sex with me. Why? Because my mii knocked out her mii in Wii boxing. It wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't in one player mode. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 793

You deserved it 4 868

By RIP_Nose - 03/04/2014 21:48 - Germany - Aidenbach

Today, I was supervising a written exam, which took place in a really warm room. Half of the two hundred participants has probably never heard of deodorants. The other half used probably the whole can this morning. I had to stay in this inferno of stench for five hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 632

You deserved it 3 866

By seriously? - 05/08/2013 05:11 - United States - Pickerington

Today, I was trying to explain to my mom that I've been having panic attacks. I ended up having a panic attack from talking about having a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 545

You deserved it 4 858

Seize the means

By pygmyfrog - 10/12/2020 14:02

Today, I watched a supervisor in our workspace staple an underling's skirt to her shirt, as the supervisor didn't like her wearing a hip-level skirt, despite having no public contact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 663

You deserved it 64

By ipaid350dollarsfornothing - 15/03/2013 07:09 - Qatar

Today, my prom dress finally arrived. My prom was yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 710

You deserved it 7 134

Bye gifts

By Anonymous - 12/12/2018 08:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it seemed like a great day. Right up until the point to where I accidentally damaged a friend's MacBook Pro. Not only do I have to pay for it, but the only way I'll be able to afford it is by returning every single Christmas gift I get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 416

You deserved it 642

By Anon - 04/08/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 972

You deserved it 4 104

By wallet? GONE - 21/04/2013 22:27 - United States - Pueblo

Today, I was mugged by a street preacher. The same one who'd earlier in the day screamed at me for being an evil sinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 633

You deserved it 3 803

By Anonymous - 16/08/2018 03:30

Today, I failed a final presentation. My partner, who did none of the research, presented the entire project, talking over me and glaring when I spoke up. He denied everything and the professor didn't believe me. Now I have to retake this class with the same professor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 464

You deserved it 267

By Jade - 22/08/2013 00:09 - United States - Reseda

Today, my wackjob roommate decided to sit next to me on the couch, basically make out with her pet rabbit, and baby-talk to it. Key highlights involved giggling while the bunny licked up inside her nose and then commenting on the rabbit's "pronounced nipples". Why? FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 946

You deserved it 3 954

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Top comments

BRicci17 4

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:08

At least he didn't ask you to make it.

DEzey 0

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:08

Gotta refill the calories he's burning.

BRicci17 4

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:08

At least he didn't ask you to make it.

ClassyCommando 13

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:31

Hell, he would probably be willing to share!

Guren 0

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:32

More energy = more sexy time, I don't get why "u mad".

dc46290 8

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:49

A pastrami sandwich is the most sensual of all the cured meats

BABYPUNCHINGGUY 0

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Friday 6 April 2012 10:01

that guy knows his shit.

asherm 15

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Friday 6 April 2012 11:06

That's what I was thinking too

Drew7497 7

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Friday 6 April 2012 16:13

Haha very very true that would've been funnier though

thgiL 9

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Saturday 7 April 2012 0:46

28- Seinfeld reference!!! Lol

Igor_g5 0

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Sunday 8 April 2012 0:10

If she had said yes he probably would hav asked her to make it.

DEzey 0

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:08

Gotta refill the calories he's burning.

fashionistaelle 3

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:10

Let him!

aceman1992 9

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Friday 6 April 2012 9:06

This FML reminds me of a Seinfeld episode from along time ago.

wellnevermind 4

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Friday 6 April 2012 11:46

This is completely out of topic: what's the dress in your profile pic called? Or who is the designer? Beautiful.

bizarre_ftw 21

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Friday 6 April 2012 21:54

^quote from Seinfeld?

fashionistaelle 3

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Saturday 7 April 2012 4:40

Marchesa, from spring '11

fashionistaelle 3

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Saturday 7 April 2012 4:52

Also @wellnevermind, thanks for saying...I wish it was actually mine!

aliadnan708 6

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:10

The dude got hungry what is wrong with that lol

yahoowizard 16

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Friday 6 April 2012 11:07

Yeah, I mean, it is a legitimate workout

igive 29

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:11

food or secks....both!

reenkaur 7

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:20

secks?! are you fuckin kidding me?!!!! o_O

ClassyCommando 13

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:26

Yes he is.

Cho_Chip_Cookie 0

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Friday 6 April 2012 11:19

o god secks seriously how old are you?? um no offence

PYLrulz 17

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Friday 6 April 2012 13:53

5 - If you are going to type like that, go to I Can Has Cheezeburger

igive 29

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Saturday 7 April 2012 5:55

old enough to know what it is, despite my spelling that has offended a few.

PYLrulz 17

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Saturday 7 April 2012 12:14

I normally don't give a shit if someone misspells something, but when you are trying to be cute, don't

igive 29

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Saturday 7 April 2012 17:42

i wasn't trying to be cute. it was my failed attempt at trying to be funny. also, i noticed your profile pic has icanhazcheeseburgers' troll.

PYLrulz 17

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Tuesday 10 April 2012 11:47

But I avoid all those forums to the pictures (especially those involving animals) like the plague.

reenkaur 7

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:12

and add some homemade mayo to it in the process?! :D

chili10 18

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:41

That's just nasty...

elephantom12 9

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:54

*cleveland voice*

TheEpicMilkMan 13

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Friday 6 April 2012 11:32

no...never...ew :( i think i threw up a little thinking about a perfectly good sandwich being ruined by man milk :( thanks a lot

mel_aka_mic 5

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Friday 6 April 2012 14:40

51- The Epic Milk Man doesn't like Man Milk?? Something's wrong here..

Justforlolz 14

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Friday 6 April 2012 17:52

You all are fucking sick and disgusting. He's obviously referring to actual homemade mayo. Gawd, why does everything have to be sexual these days?

stevieb123 7

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Friday 6 April 2012 23:04

WTF your nasty

jadanoryse 11

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Saturday 7 April 2012 7:19

Ewwwww >.<

jsant11 0

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Saturday 7 April 2012 21:30

Give her a break she's jus bein funny good 1 btw

andrewcollins 8

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Monday 9 April 2012 21:59

Ewwww Reenkaur that would be okay if it was a girl but he's a guy! Ew...

idoam 8

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:16

I see the problem. Having his mouth and hands occupied could be disappointing.

KILLERTOAST13 4

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:16

if a mans hungry he's hungry

glee_club 0

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Monday 9 April 2012 19:33

So in the middle of having sex with a girl you would ask to eat a sandwich. You probably will never get the chance to have sex with her again. Just saying

Goatinsfriend 8

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:16

Shouldve said, "only if you eat it off of me".

Nalanie 4

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:17

I see nothing wrong with that !

auzz1_pride 9

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:55

29- That's only because your a woman....

the_wombat 6

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Friday 6 April 2012 9:14

The only thing wrong with that would be if he didn't consider the sandwich needs of his partner.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 10

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 2 102

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 191

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