Intimacy: Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. As I was beginning to...

By scubai - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. As I was beginning to enjoy and really get into it, I heard him say, "Oh my god, this is good shit." I looked up sexily, only to find that he was eating a Twinkie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33436

You deserved it

5665

Favorite

Intimacy

Empathy lives

Own it

Stomach bug?

By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 02:01

Medicare for all, please

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my 6 ovarian cyst rupture. The pain meds have already worn off and my vag hurts. I also had my gallbladder removed last June, and my right ovary removed last January. The staff here remember me. Most expensive friends I've ever had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1644

You deserved it

Favorite

By mtorres8789 - United States

Today, our favorite teacher walked into our history class and everyone started whistling, I decided to join in by screaming 'sexy'. The room went quiet and all heads turned to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12841

You deserved it

80431

Favorite

By bbcgj - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, my internet was so slow I couldn't even load an internet speed test to see how slow my internet was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27612

You deserved it

2836

Favorite

By ZAS - Canada

Today, at the daycare center that I volunteer at, a 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54546

You deserved it

6246

Favorite

By CashChamp20 - United States

Today, my girlfriend got a necklace from one of her guy friends. She loves it. It's a heart shaped necklace. She doesn't see a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45020

You deserved it

6880

Favorite

Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2234

You deserved it

216

Favorite

By augh

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom that I'm gay. She sympathetically patted my back and told me I don't need to make up excuses for me being so unattractive to women. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37869

You deserved it

5687

Favorite

By Anonymous

When you lie on your resume to get the job

Today, my boyfriend and I are devastated to return our newly adopted "cat friendly" dog to the shelter. He's perfect other than the fact that he clearly wants to eat our cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3226

You deserved it

317

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought my family would like it if I celebrated the new year with them. My brother thought that I'd like him to shoot my butt with his new gun in celebration. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26020

You deserved it

2695

Favorite

By bdw89 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years still can't get it that dry humping me and saying, "But I'm horny" in a goofy voice isn't a turn on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7128

You deserved it

979

Favorite

By Lisa - United States - Sedalia

Today, I developed a roll of film I'd had sitting around for years. It was all images my ex had taken of him scrubbing his ass and toilet with my electric toothbrush, which I'd used for at least a month after our breakup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3059

You deserved it

310

Favorite

By shawnsmuffins - United States - Tampa

Today, after telling my parents that I want to be a vegetarian, I got grounded. Apparently, "black people can't be vegetarians" and, I'm "crazy for even suggesting something like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36039

You deserved it

5327

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking for a parking spot and finally found one. Trying to figure out if the spot was legal, I asked a cop that had pulled up. He said it was fine. I came back 3 hours later to a parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42882

You deserved it

3989

Favorite

By EveOnRoad

Today, my boyfriend of 9 years rode with his mother after boot camp graduation. She acts more like a jealous lover than a mom, so I'm currently chasing them all over Chicago in a blizzard, with her refusing to stop the car so he can see me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1910

You deserved it

225

Favorite

By Kellye - United States

Today, my father called me for the first time in two weeks since I moved away. Excited, I answered the phone. It was a mistake. He thought he'd called my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38239

You deserved it

2503

Favorite

By CharlieKearney - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, the guy I made out with on New Year's Eve finally called me. Too bad it was to blame me for the picture of us which someone had sent to his girlfriend. I never took a picture, and had no idea he was in a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22059

You deserved it

1888

Favorite

Today, I called 911 and got taken to hospital via ambulance after a suicide attempt. When I called my mom, the first thing she asked was, "How much is the ambulance going to cost?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2792

You deserved it

949

Favorite

By screwed - United States

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45530

You deserved it

4932

Favorite

By Novocain - Australia

Today, I went to my new dentist and before he started looking at my teeth, I told him my previous dentist had never found a single thing wrong with my teeth. After looking around, he chuckled humourlessly and called my last dentist idiotic. I now have a $580 bill and a root canal next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51403

You deserved it

5355

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the guy I liked how I felt by making him a mixed CD. Confident, I gave it to him. After class, I went to the trash can to throw some paper away. I saw my mixed CD in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36130

You deserved it

8158

Favorite

By Davios - United States

Today, I moved in with an older gentleman renting out a room. Tonight, he had a domestic dispute with his girlfriend who threw a lawn chair at my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36044

You deserved it

2338

Favorite

By Sammy - United States

Today, I re-broke my leg. The same way I broke it the first time, playing frisbee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24929

You deserved it

13874

Favorite

By Garrett - United States - Vista

Today, after I arrived at work, somebody crashed into my parked car and left a big dent. The impact pushed my car up onto the curb and I got a parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5635

You deserved it

344

Favorite

By GoldenShower - United States

Today, I was awoken by my son squirting liquid on me from a bottle. We have a high deer population in our area, so I spray urine contained in black bottle on my plants to help deter the deer from eating them. I also water my flowers with water from a blue bottle. My son used the black one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37865

You deserved it

8058

Favorite

By StarvedForAffection - 13/1/2021 17:01 - United States - Midlothian

Good girl

Today, I had to resort to telling my boyfriend that I have a praise kink, just so that he would actually compliment me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

865

You deserved it

228

Favorite

By mhm - Canada - Woodbridge

Today, on the bus, I caught the eye of this ugly, sweaty girl giving me a death stare through the driver's mirror. I gave her a death stare back. Only then I realized I was staring at myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12493

You deserved it

37316

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I went on my first date in over a year, and my best friend popped up at the restaurant uninvited. To make it worse, she pulled up a chair right in between us and started an argument with the bartender. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1811

You deserved it

148

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Burwood

Today, I overheard my 14-year-old daughter telling her friend that she's saving money to get her hymen surgically removed so her first time won't hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33406

You deserved it

3703

Favorite

By Simon - France

Today, as a prank I shook my girlfriend's can of soda. I hadn't noticed that it was already open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6126

You deserved it

53344

Favorite

By Wolf145 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a haunted house opened up next to my restaurant and they've gotten into the habit of scaring me as I'm cleaning up at night. They stay open for another month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24784

You deserved it

2206

Favorite

By silverspud - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I was invited to an adult toy party with co-workers. They started by playing a game called 'Never Ever Have I Ever' about everyone's sexual exploits. My mother is a co-worker. I can never un-hear what I heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34224

You deserved it

7298

Favorite

By James - Australia

Today, my front house window was smashed. A note was left, saying 'I want my cat back'. I have no idea what they are talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31421

You deserved it

2279

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/9/2020 02:02

Denied

Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1737

You deserved it

323

Favorite

By :( - Algeria

Today, I woke up after a night out partying only to find I'd wet the bed. I was so ashamed that I rolled my girlfriend into it to avoid taking the blame. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23250

You deserved it

62212

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was installing wireless surveillance cameras outside my workplace. Before mounting them, I pointed them around the building to make sure there was a good signal and picture. I got inside to the monitor just in time to see a kid steal one of the cameras. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27519

You deserved it

3078

Favorite

By galladore - United States - Bensenville

Today, my oldest friend got engaged to her loving boyfriend of one year. Meanwhile, I can't even get my boyfriend of more than four years to commit to a decision of what he wants for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32421

You deserved it

4897

Favorite

By "Tarun Kumar"

Her plan!

Today, my girlfriend planned our day, she wanted to play FIFA before having sex. I won 11-0. She stormed out of the room, went home and isn't picking my calls / texting back. It's been 12 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1897

You deserved it

986

Favorite

By preggers - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33468

You deserved it

3917

Favorite

By pokèscared

Go away

Today, the creepy dude I’d been desperately trying to avoid was able to figure out which building I work in, the general vicinity of my house and which restaurants I frequent. He learned all this by the gifts I sent, not knowing it was him, on the Pokémon Go app. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1502

You deserved it

510

Favorite

By Anonymous - Croatia - Rijeka

Today, I have a tooth infection that's spread to my jaw and ear. It hurts so badly that I'm practically in tears. Today's also the day I found out I'm allergic to the medication I was prescribed. Everything hurts, I'm covered in hives, and I can't stop throwing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37099

You deserved it

2151

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By CitizenSnipz | 0

#774739 - Thursday 14 January 2010 23:48

Both of you were eating a delicious snack filled with cream. He was just seeing how it was for you!

By doctorr_fml | 9

#774725 - Thursday 14 January 2010 23:44

that blows

COMMENTS

By Tbagface | 0

#774718 - Thursday 14 January 2010 23:44

lol you clearly wernt very good :-P

megasoreass | 0

#775423 - Friday 15 January 2010 5:01

ya she was not as goood as me

kookat195 | 0

#813374 - Sunday 31 January 2010 20:36

what a fucking asshole. and who the fuck eats a twinky while getting head?! I truly feel sorry for you and no I am not a girl

responses | 0

#840890 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 12:39

ahahahahahahahahahaha that's hilarious

TiffanyBlews27 | 0

#935181 - Thursday 11 March 2010 6:37

why would you fuckin' eat a twinkie while gettin' head?!?!? is he ducked up in the head or somethin'?!?

BadPinkKitty07 | 0

#971724 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 6:30

cuz twinkies are awesome, that's why!

yashack | 0

#1206663 - Sunday 8 August 2010 6:19

that man is a genius!!!!

Cobra731 | 0

#2537761 - Friday 20 May 2011 8:41

totally just lol'd.

BirdIzDuhWord | 0

#2868137 - Monday 11 July 2011 19:09

That sounds like something I would do.

Googolman | 29

#5154003 - Friday 16 November 2012 6:29

How does one "look up sexily"?

By PCH | 5

#774720 - Thursday 14 January 2010 23:44

Wow... just wow.

Alpha35 | 4

#979707 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 7:49

i don't know if u know but WOW spelled backwards is amazingly WOW...

and HAHA twinkies are good shit ........ but seriously were all mature adults..... twinkies are eaten before getting head or after