By - 18/11/2019 20:00

Hopeless

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, then, my wife told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

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Family values

Does it taste good?

Great boyfriend

By - 9/1/2020 20:00

Winner

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

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By bruh_im18 - 17/9/2016 16:18 - United States - Metairie

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

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By Slipperywhenwet - 28/2/2009 13:08 - United States

Today, I was stepping out of the shower while home alone. I heard voices coming from the living room. I grabbed a bat to defend my self and ran into the living room. I slipped on my tile floor and smashed my TV with the bat. No one was in my house but I left my radio turned on. FML

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By natashamilan - 26/2/2015 01:43 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I was at a friend's birthday party when I got a call from my mom telling me to come home because my dog died. When I told my friend that I had to leave because of the loss, she replied with, "Okay, but you brought my gift inside, right?" FML

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By Cat - 12/4/2019 19:00 - Greece - Athens

Today, I was Whatsapping my boyfriend, as I am away for work. Before talking to him, I texted my work group I wasn’t feeling well after they invited me out. As I was chatting with what I thought was my boyfriend, I said, “I want your penis inside me.” And then realized I'd texted my work group. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - 18/5/2019 12:30

Today, it's the first day in 3 weeks that I'm in my flat after 7 a.m. due to a very busy work schedule. I was looking forward to a Saturday lie-in. Also today, my flatmate's alarm clock went off loudly from 7:30 to 10:30. He's in another country and his door is locked. Bye bye lie-in. FML

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By bigbuldge - 17/9/2019 00:01

Roommate From Hell

Today, my roommate whipped my face with a frozen chicken cutlet. My cheek is now the size of the chicken cutlet, and now he won't drive me to the hospital because it's "too funny to look at." FML

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By winnerwinner - 2/5/2012 15:46 - United States

Today, my husband informed me that he has been purposely finishing before me in bed as a form of punishment for beating him at Mario Kart. FML

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By Cassie - 2/5/2011 00:21

Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2013 05:19 - United States

Today, I tried to go to my Hotmail account on my boyfriend's computer. When I typed in "hot", a big history list came down. It was all "Hot single mom looking for a good lay" Craigslist ads. FML

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By Tytonic - 20/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Havertown

First dates

Today, after my first dinner with my new girlfriend, I was using a toothpick when I fell, stabbing the roof of my mouth. She then laughed at me, as there was so much blood. FML

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By :/ - 4/2/2013 00:26 - Netherlands - Nijkerk

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for 2 months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2016 13:12 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had to politely nod and say "Ah okay..." as my grandpa told me that he's not racist; he just doesn't think it's right for black men to associate with white women. He's well aware that my boyfriend is black. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML

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By SureDoesMakeAGirlFeelGood - 13/4/2016 01:45 - Canada - Paradise

Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML

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By someonesomething - 5/12/2009 11:24 - United States

Today, one of the comic companies I submitted to, replied back. They said that the story was boring, and the main character bland, generic, uncultured, had no potential for personal growth, a suburbanite, and an ignorant shut-in. I based the personality of the main character on my own. FML

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By bri_sci94 - 26/9/2014 06:56 - United States - Madison

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up. He greeted me with a winning smile, a belch, and the words, "Nice tits." I'm beginning to lose hope. FML

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By MyBallsForSaleOnEbay - 21/8/2015 15:25 - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2013 15:04 - Canada - Whitecourt

Today, a man walked into the bank I work at and asked what he would need in order to open an account. I had to look him in the eyes with a straight face, say, "Two pieces of identification," and ask him to put some pants on. FML

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By sadnj - 25/3/2017 00:00

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with my attractive and seemingly charming neighbor. Yesterday, his house was raided and he was arrested for running a heroin ring. FML

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By Nate - 6/3/2009 03:25 - United States

Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML

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By makinascene - 5/2/2009 10:05 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office because I was sick. The male nurse led me back and when he weighed me, he said "Why do I get all the beefy girls today?". FML

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By sweetlilthing - 31/5/2020 17:00

Understandable

Today, my husband is depressed because the government is relaxing coronavirus isolation and he doesn’t want to have to return to talking to people, or having family drop by unexpectedly, or socialising at all. He prefers being stuck at home as an antisocial Xbox and Netflix goblin FML

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By JJ101 - 19/2/2010 11:52 - Australia

Today, I was teaching a special techniques class for ballet and was focusing on pirouettes. I was teaching a group of 8 year olds, and one student could do perfect triple turns one after the other. I still can't do them, and I've been dancing for 15 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2012 13:55 - Sweden - Falk?ping

Today, I accidentally cut myself while slicing some sponge cake. My husband's first reaction was to ask if the cake had gotten bloody or not. FML

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By Rain - 14/11/2016 11:43

Today, I discovered my own mother has been stealing money from me for months when I opened my savings box to find it empty. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 20:46 - United States

Today, I was making a snowman with my little cousin. I was collecting snow just outside the house, when out of nowhere a snowball struck me in the back of the head and caused me to headbutt the wall. I woke up a short while later to a medic telling me I had a nasty concussion. Thanks, cousin. FML

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By ebe - 15/5/2019 14:08

Today, my landlord, due to a past of being an asshole and now enhanced with dementia, suddenly jumped down my throat for parking incorrectly in the driveway, because there's no room for their two cars. He hasn't had two cars in a year. FML

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By YYY - 29/5/2019 18:00

Today, I put all my clothes into two piles. One pile had clothes I usually wear, the other clothes I wanted to donate. When I was done, I put the piles into two jumbo trash bags. I came back a bit later and they both were gone. My mom donated both bags. I have no clothes. FML

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By BigHelp - 8/7/2015 00:52 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my new antidepressants finally kicked in. I switched to them to try to control my anxiety. Turns out that the most common side effect, funnily enough, is nervousness. Guess I should've done more research. FML

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By cul8erqtpie20 - 3/1/2012 16:35 - United States

Today, I found out my roomie has lost her only source of income. This means I'm responsible for all the bills and the rent. I would kick her out and get someone else, but she's my mother. FML

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By knowtoomuch - 22/5/2013 00:10 - United States - Aurora

Today, I had to go with my mom to the gynecologist to translate due to her broken English. As we were filling out papers and answering questions, the doctor asked some very personal questions. I now know everything about my mom's sex life. FML

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By Noname - 22/2/2009 06:14 - Australia

Today, I did my work, the work of my co-worker who called in sick and the work of my boss who has no idea what the hell is going on all at the same time. I didn't get a promotion because I don't work hard enough. FML

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By ruined_suit - 17/4/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins are still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid runs out and shoots me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and he ruined my new suit. FML

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By Japaroni - 15/9/2011 07:42 - United States

Today, I went out on my back patio at night to skinny dip. I live on the intracoastal, and as I was walking towards my pool, the police were doing a random search. From a boat with a spotlight. At least their whistles told me they liked the birthday suit I had on. FML

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By lee - 22/8/2010 07:24 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over breakfast. In the afternoon I got to smile at him prettily for hours because he was the photographer in a session neither of us could get out of. FML

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By forever alone - 19/6/2014 22:26 - United States - Pawling

Today, I was video chatting my boyfriend. As we were talking, he answered a phone call. I sat there the whole time as he planned a date with some other girl over the phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:45 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

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By . - 5/8/2016 16:57 - Germany - Neuwied

Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML

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By BruisedPride - 10/9/2019 12:00

Tumblr

Today, I fell down concrete stairs trying to plug my computer into an outlet. I now have a twisted ankle, scrape on my elbow and a huge scratch across my laptop. The best part? The outlet wasn't even working. FML

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Top comments

By manb91gb | 14

#7860339 - Monday 18 November 2019 19:04

Well I hope her baby shower gift from you is divorce papers

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7860337 - Monday 18 November 2019 18:31

On the one hand, she did increase the odds of conception. On the other hand, that better have been the best dinner she ever made.

Comments

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7860337 - Monday 18 November 2019 18:31

On the one hand, she did increase the odds of conception. On the other hand, that better have been the best dinner she ever made.

By manb91gb | 14

#7860339 - Monday 18 November 2019 19:04

Well I hope her baby shower gift from you is divorce papers

By Iamthebanzai22 | 18

#7860348 - Monday 18 November 2019 19:47

Well, she clearly does not give a rusty fuck about your feelings and she hasn't for a long time. DItch the bitch. Get a paternity test done before you agree to pay child support.

Reply

Huldan MeGroyn | 11

#7860700 - Tuesday 19 November 2019 23:56

Hopefully he doesn't live in a state that makes him pay child support regardless of whether or not it was his

By TCRII | 26

#7860376 - Monday 18 November 2019 21:38

Hey mom and dad, great news. There is a 16.66% change that I am going to be a father and an 83.34% chance that I am going to get a divorce and not have to pay any alimony.

Reply

tounces7 | 26

#7860900 - Wednesday 20 November 2019 21:09

100% chance of Divorce regardless.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7860379 - Monday 18 November 2019 21:47

Tell her you'd like anything that's not sausage, and she should wash her hands thoroughly before making any food.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7860383 - Monday 18 November 2019 21:49

And when she was telling you she was having Five Guys, you thought she was just getting a hamburger. Poor schmuck.

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7860387 - Monday 18 November 2019 22:03

Op, it's time leave her

By cardin06 | 15

#7860390 - Monday 18 November 2019 22:09

There is more to this story then you are telling us...

By Matthew Irmen | 9

#7860396 - Monday 18 November 2019 22:37

I could be wrong, but there could be a message in this.

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7860402 - Monday 18 November 2019 23:17

Soooo what did she make you for dinner?