Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news.... - FML

By Anonymous - 07/01/2012 00:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 237

You deserved it 4 374

The smell detective is on the case

Sorry…

Walk on the wild side

Dreamweaver

By Anonymous - 09/02/2021 08:01

Today, I woke up with a scream of pain to find the reason I've had so many realistic dreams lately: my boyfriend has been messing with me in my sleep because he thinks my reactions are funny. For instance, when he pinched me today, I experienced a very realistic wasp sting in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 234

You deserved it 93

By kblevss - 05/01/2013 09:21 - United States - Bayville

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my new boyfriend, and I realized that he enjoys making airplane sound effects while inserting himself inside of me. Moment ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 646

You deserved it 5 691

By -__- - 26/12/2015 13:41

Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 312

You deserved it 2 975

By anti-peecleaner - 22/11/2010 22:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend walked out of the bathroom, informed me he'd accidentally peed on the floor, and told me I could clean it up when I get a chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 351

You deserved it 5 191

By good big sister? - 02/07/2013 17:39 - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, my 7-year-old sister had a nightmare, so I let her sleep in my bed. I woke up to her punching me in the face and giving me a black eye. Apparently, she not only screams when she's having a nightmare, she also "gives the bad guy a taste of his own medicine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 009

You deserved it 4 698

By Anonymous - 03/07/2012 19:56 - United States - Ridgefield

Today, I went out to get groceries and ice-cream. When I got home, I couldn't find my house keys. I retraced my steps, but with no luck, so I returned home and had to break in. While unpacking, I found my keys in the bag, right next to the completely melted ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 479

You deserved it 9 703

Alexa, play Men's Needs by The Cribs

By Anonymous - 11/05/2021 06:01

Spicy

Today, I caught my husband setting up an affair with my old school-friend. I have chronic pain, a hormone imbalance and some other issues that means I'm losing interest in being intimate at all. It hurts. I don't enjoy this either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 180

You deserved it 170

By Anonymous - 10/01/2012 06:04 - United States

Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 085

You deserved it 21 482

By effmylife - 06/09/2009 23:12 - Canada

Today, when I was finished eating at McDonalds, I went to Shoppers to pick up a new toothbrush. I got back to my car only to find the windows smashed in. The only thing that was missing from my car was the Hello Kitty toy I got from McDonalds. Someone broke into my car for a 10 cent toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 080

You deserved it 3 656

Donut eat this

By Anonymous - 07/08/2015 21:18 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, my sister offered me a couple of doughnuts she bought recently. Thinking she was just being nice, I went ahead and started eating, and was met with the most horrid taste I've ever experienced. Turns out her "recently" was two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 623

You deserved it 2 136

By R_Horsefeet - 29/03/2016 23:10 - Netherlands

Today, the guy I was seeing texted me a photo back of myself I had sent him earlier, saying I'm such a beautiful woman, suggesting that I set it as my profile pic. Too bad he doesn't think I'm pretty enough without a lot of enhancements, because he photoshopped the hell out of that thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 947

You deserved it 1 732

Bad day

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, I accidentally set off an alarm at the school I work for. No one was there, I didn't have the code or password the company needed, my boss wouldn't answer his phone, 3 policemen interrogated me and asked for ID but realized I left home without my wallet. There was nothing I could do. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 132

You deserved it 5 789

By Anonymous - 29/11/2012 00:57 - Canada - Belleville

Today, I was waiting in a doctor's office when I was approached by an elderly woman. She told me all about the ripping of her stitches in a very private place, in exhaustive detail. Of course, today was the day my doctor chose to be an hour late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 042

You deserved it 1 700

Narcissistic parents strike again

By psychobunnycutie - 06/04/2021 05:00

Today, I got a call from my mom's new husband. It lasted 3 minutes and those 3 minutes were of him telling me how sad I make my mom for just existing, how jealous I make her because I'm living a life she wished she was. Turns out, she told him to call me and say that because I have her blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 269

You deserved it 84

By FinanciallyF*ked - 21/11/2018 15:30

Today, after my husband applied for a VA loan so we could move out of our ridiculously overpriced apartment and into our first home as a mortgage would be significantly cheaper, we were denied. If we can afford $1400/month in rent, we surely can’t be trusted with $1000/month for a mortgage, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 119

You deserved it 181

By Anonymous - 28/09/2009 16:28 - United States

Today, I was introduced to friends of my boyfriend as "My other girlfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 625

You deserved it 4 070

By shrek - 02/05/2016 10:25 - Australia

Today, my brother dyed my white work shirt bright green because I beat him to the shower this morning. As it's my only shirt, I had to wear it to work, where there was a surprise audit and I was fired for incorrect uniform. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 606

You deserved it 1 487

Shoulda woulda coulda

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 11:00

Today, I did the math: back at college in 2011, I had a $20,000+ reimbursement from my school. If I had invested even half my cash into Bitcoin then ($2.50), I would be worth over $120,000,000. Instead, I said, "Fuck that! This is stupid", and am now over $200,000 in student loan debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 736

You deserved it 244

By smarterthanmymum - 26/05/2011 09:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain very slowly to my mum why she cannot put metal cutlery in the microwave. She did it anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 186

You deserved it 2 971

By Anonymous - 15/08/2014 15:22 - China - Shanghai

Spicy

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 072

You deserved it 6 453

By stupidupid - 06/02/2010 12:35 - Philippines

Today, we had a NAT for our preparation for college. I did quite well and knew most of the answers. When I turned mine in, I realised I forgot to write my name. The proctor doesn't allow giving back test papers after it is turned in. And no, I can't retake it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 481

You deserved it 30 231

By Anonymous - 23/06/2011 00:36 - Australia

Today, I'm a graduate but still an unpaid intern. My daily work is folding letters and putting them into envelopes. The sad thing is, I actually enjoy doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 950

You deserved it 7 800

By Anonymous - 19/02/2017 01:00 - Australia - Stretton

Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down the shower caddy and in particular, on my razor. If I wasn't woozy from all the blood splatter around the shower - seeing the bone that connects my finger definitely did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 478

You deserved it 737

By hotelbound - 21/05/2013 00:37 - United States - Florissant

Today, my house was damaged by a tornado. I called my mother to see if I could stay with her for a few days. Her response? "I warned you not to move in with a man. This is God's way of punishing you." I've been married to said man for almost a year now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 293

You deserved it 2 985

By Lickmylovepump - 19/01/2012 04:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend insisted that we try phone sex. He started telling me all the things he wanted to do to me while breathing heavily. Unfortunately, it sounded so ridiculous, I burst out laughing. He hung up on me, and has refused to pick up since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 371

You deserved it 35 406

By SadFoxLady - 10/06/2013 18:01 - United States - Des Moines

Today, after years of researching and saving money, I got a pet fox. I was able to enjoy the majesty of the animal for three hours before it burrowed under the fence and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 749

You deserved it 55 538

Giggles McGee

By Shitmetalseller - 02/08/2014 22:37 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I managed to not laugh as a potential high-profile Italian client with a heavy accent repeatedly pronounced "sheet metal" as "shit metal". Unfortunately, my boss and a senior colleague couldn't contain their own laughter. We lost that deal, and our jobs are now endangered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 684

You deserved it 5 104

By RatQuiRit - 13/10/2008 08:21

Today, I arrived at the station at 7:30pm sharp for the train... which was cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 699

You deserved it 15 876

By well then... - 15/06/2013 05:04 - Canada - London

Today, as I was crossing to the US, I got pulled over by border patrol for looking "suspicious". The female cop searched my purse and found a condom. She smirked and said, "I doubt you'd ever need that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 340

You deserved it 4 774

By Anonymous - 14/12/2012 23:16 - United Kingdom - Bridgwater

Today, I sent an email to my boss saying I'd fixed a glitch in our mail servers. He called me later, angrily shouting that I'd done a piss-poor job of fixing it, because my email had spammed his inbox with several hundred duplicate messages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 779

You deserved it 11 281

By Pugsley - 30/08/2019 14:02 - Australia

Spicy

Today, for my birthday, I found out I'm too ugly even for a hooker to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 047

You deserved it 322

By martyn28 - 13/08/2013 14:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked past a girl giving out leaflets for a nightclub. She ignored me the first two times. I dismissed it cynically, thinking she was only giving them to good looking young people. The third time she gave one to a balding 40-year old guy with his pre-teen kid. She still ignored me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 199

You deserved it 5 393

By littleman - 06/04/2012 11:32 - United States

Today, I realized I'm too short to use the urinals at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 373

You deserved it 2 972

By QWERTY - 03/04/2011 23:20

Today, my roommate thought it would be a good idea to show me his huge new tarantula despite knowing that I have extremely severe arachnophobia. I ended up killing it with a book and apparently now owe him $500. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 104

You deserved it 18 183

By ciotter - 08/01/2011 08:57 - United States

Today, my cat sneezed directly into my open eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 535

You deserved it 5 377

By Anonymous - 04/08/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 288

You deserved it 7 920

By ewwww - 06/04/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, I discovered that an unmentioned side effect of my new medication is body zits. I now have zits on my neck, my ear, and inside my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 293

You deserved it 3 390

Don't shoot the messenger

By Anonymous - 05/07/2020 23:01

Spicy

Today, after I got wasted about 5 months ago and lost my virginity to a total bitch I used to work with and regretted it straight away, this morning she texts me that she’s pregnant, and that I should probably get an STD screening because she also just found out she has gonorrhoea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 302

You deserved it 1 856

By Heww - 28/09/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, after working an 11 hour shift, I decided to treat myself to a delicious Krispy Kreme doughnut. When I got home, I sat down, put my feet up, poured myself a cold glass of milk. My dog jumps on my lap and vomits all over my doughnuts, stares at me then bites the doughnut out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 264

You deserved it 5 347

By tm - 18/07/2012 05:06 - United States - Madisonville

Today, I went to the emergency room with chest pain. I didn't have a heart attack, but I now have a broken nose after passing out and face-planting in the waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 781

You deserved it 2 083

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:43

That's great news for in the long run! For now, no. I am sorry she's a cheating whore. :(

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:42

No diaper changing for you...more good news!!!

Comments

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:42

No diaper changing for you...more good news!!!

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:50

i'll be seeing this in maury soon :)

ColdplaySucks 18

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:58

If you aren't the father, I think that outweighs the bad news for you at least.

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Saturday 7 January 2012 8:04

A real man would consider the good news and bad news, in this case, switched.

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Saturday 7 January 2012 8:14

Not everyone finds pregnancy good news.

ColdplaySucks 18

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Saturday 7 January 2012 8:23

Especially before marriage...

BarDownDaily 12

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Saturday 7 January 2012 9:14

Key word: Probably.

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Saturday 7 January 2012 10:44

key word: pregnant

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Saturday 7 January 2012 13:17

KeyWord: ... Coldplay Sucks? Wait what? GTFO. Just GTFO.

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Saturday 7 January 2012 14:25

At least now he can dump that lying bitch. Sorry OP atleast you dodged a bullet and didn't marry her.

Jiplo 18

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Friday 24 February 2012 4:09

i agree. and even more good news, she has to suffer for cheating! Go karma!

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:43

That's great news for in the long run! For now, no. I am sorry she's a cheating whore. :(

Furrywhiplash 14

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Saturday 7 January 2012 8:11

Agreed. Plus it is better that OP found out now, rather than after they get married and he raises a kid that he only thinks is his

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Saturday 7 January 2012 9:01

This is a Maury's show or Jerry Springer kind of thing. OP- if you ever go on either shows, please say you're the guy from FML. FYL.

stevenJB 25

Saturday 7 January 2012 10:56

OMFG IT'S A CHOCOBO!!! :D

omfg_creepers 8

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:43

Give her some more bad news, she's a whore.

TorturedXeno 27

Saturday 7 January 2012 8:24

And then give her the good news: now she's single.

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Saturday 7 January 2012 9:14

The Kardashians donated 20 bucks worth of games to a hospital. Brilliant! Where may I get more of this "mediocre news"?

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Saturday 7 January 2012 9:25

Naww, that's bull-crap. He can't truly be homeless if he has a Ferrari to sleep in. *waits with troll net*

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Saturday 7 January 2012 17:24

Hit him with a stick, he's not so tough. The mediocre news is in his cardboard treasure chest.

freakinglaugher 10

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Sunday 8 January 2012 8:11

Don't hit a 'so to be' dad with a stick. That's right, Fiddo is the father. He's the only rich homeless man iv ever loved.

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Thursday 12 January 2012 4:21

Talk about whores there's a girl in are school that got pregnant

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:44

So she's carrying an "unwanted miracle?"

Amrel 10

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Saturday 7 January 2012 9:22

Wrong comment thread?

Amrel 10

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Saturday 7 January 2012 9:43

Yea i agree with you

bamagrl410 31

Saturday 7 January 2012 10:07

Isn't it sad how most people treat pregnancy like a terrible thing these days? Yay for traditional values.

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Saturday 7 January 2012 10:14

^Uh hello? She has more than likely slept with another man and gotten pregnant while in a relationship already. I don't think anybody here means to say pregnancy in general is bad.

VasilisaUzhasnaj 29

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Saturday 7 January 2012 10:14

That's because most people can't afford to have children, and end up screwing themselves over and their newborn child. Sign of the times.

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Saturday 7 January 2012 11:03

Like I always say, invest in tomorrow by aborting that baby today :)

BeaterOfTheDrums 15

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Saturday 7 January 2012 19:56

Never joke about abortion. NEVER!

BeaterOfTheDrums 15

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Saturday 7 January 2012 20:34

No.. Just no. Any jokes about abortion are not right.

SilentNicholas 0

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Monday 9 January 2012 8:24

He's not joking about abortion. He's saying she should get one if she can't afford to keep the baby

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:45

Bad news: she's a cheating whore, good news: you won't have to deal with her anymore:)

CheckItOutItsYou 7

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Saturday 7 January 2012 8:45

Nice rhyme

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Saturday 7 January 2012 8:46

Is it just me or are op's priorities backwards. Good news she's pregnant, bad news you may not be the father..

CheckItOutItsYou 7

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Saturday 7 January 2012 8:49

No it's the girlfriend that doesn't have her priorities straight. OP is just repeating what she said

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Saturday 7 January 2012 8:57

She doesn't have her priorities straight? What gives you that idea?

Dusty_Busters 15

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Saturday 7 January 2012 14:39

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Nice

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:46

give her bad news, it's over

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:47

That is great news. Technically.

pilotdude8147 3

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Sunday 8 January 2012 6:46

#9 that's good news for op!

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:47

No sleepless nights and temper tantrums for you!! Muahaha. Wait, that's a good thing. Relax, OP. Let the strumpet deal with it.

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Saturday 7 January 2012 15:27

your girlfriend is a bitch and I would not care if she was good in bed or hot I would leave her ass!

drawmesunshine 17

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:47

Phew, that was a close one, OP. Sorry your girlfriend is a tramp, though.

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:49

Simple solution: Go on Maury and take a paternity test, you'll find out who the baby daddy is and you'll entertain trailer parks everywhere.

superpoptart 24

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Saturday 7 January 2012 8:59

"He IS the father!!"

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Saturday 7 January 2012 9:12

"when it comes to one month old Jumbo, OP, you are NOT the father." *happy tears*

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:50

Be happy. At least she knows for sure you're not the father.

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Saturday 7 January 2012 7:55

She doesn't. OP said probably.

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Saturday 7 January 2012 8:01

Oh darn. I apologize. My mistake. :/ I'm guessing I'll be flooded with thumbs-downs now? Oh well, not like it matters.

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Saturday 7 January 2012 8:05

I gave you a thumbs up for being a good sport.

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Saturday 7 January 2012 8:09

Oh, thanks! ^.^

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Saturday 7 January 2012 15:39

What?

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 582

You deserved it 119

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 296

You deserved it 95