By Spiderchick - Germany

Hmmmm, breakfast

Today, I found out that the stories about how you swallow insects and spiders in your sleep are true, as I woke up to a funny taste in my mouth and the remains of a spider stuck to my braces. FML

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Proactive

Time for the ER

Smooth criminal

By Anonymous - 2/11/2020 17:03

This charming man

Today, I found out my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. And gave me an STD. FML

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By itswhateverr - United States

Today, my 6 year old granddaughter was sitting on my lap playing with the rings on my fingers. After a moment, she pointed to a gold ring with many jewels and said, "When you die can I have that one?" FML

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By Damnsoup - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my fiancé's house to have dinner with his family for the first time. Trying to be polite at the end of the meal I went to take the plates in to the kitchen. I overestimated how heavy the half-finished soup pot was, and threw soup all over myself and future mother-in-law. FML

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By Offended - United States

Today, in school my shoulder was killing me from a softball injury. I went to the nurse's office and asked "Can I have some ice?" They responded with "Why, what happened to your face?" FML

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By neoteck - France

Today, I was talking to a charming young lady on MSN by webcam. She suddenly asked me to take my glasses off for a minute; I did so, and she said, "Oh never mind, you're still just as ugly..." FML

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By RandomLG94 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 23:00

Bad job

Today, I confirmed that my professor hates me. Weeks ago, I failed a paper for the first time, so I went to my professor, apologized profusely, and discussed my revision plan. I got his approval on my conclusions and added all the details he suggested. I then submitted my paper. I got my grade this morning: C-. FML

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By Robert - United States

Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened explorer repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML

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By LonelyStranger - United States - Lake Stevens

Alone

Today, I was really excited to go to a party because I need to make more friends. Too bad a snowstorm hit right before I was going to leave, now I'm alone with no power. FML

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By Bobby M - Ireland

Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML

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By BX - Netherlands

Today, I found out the hard way that if you spontaneously begin to lose weight, you may have cancer, not an increased metabolism. FML

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By hatemyjob - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at a restaurant. When I receive $50 and $100 bills I am required to have a manager check to make sure they are not counterfeit. Every manager I found yelled at me to find another manager because they were busy. Frustrated, I just accepted the bill. It was fake. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, was my wedding day and I had been preparing my speech for my husband for about 3 months. At the wedding, I poured my heart out to him. Did he do the same? My husband forgot about it and right before the wedding, took his from his first marriage and changed the name. FML

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By SorryUncleTommy - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it was my uncle's funeral. I wasn't very close with him, but I still wanted to be respectful. My boyfriend, being the jackass that he is, was singing the Spider Pig song from The Simpsons under his breath while making his fingers walk up my leg, trying to get under my skirt. FML

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By King.Dick. - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

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By Cindell Hanson

Kids these days…

Today, a student told me to fuck off. I work with 3 year-olds. FML

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By jagerbombs - United States

Today, I woke up at a strangers house after a long night of drinking. Before leaving, I decided to steal some mouthwash so I didn't smell like a liquor store. Thinking of the night before, I instinctively downed the Listerine like a shot and puked everywhere. FML

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By >.> - Canada - Chestermere

Today, my dad decided to clean his muddy shoes right beside me by clapping them together, causing mud to fly all over me. This wouldn't have been a problem had I not been wearing my white wedding dress just before getting married. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I took a run in the woods. Almost halfway through, I started to feel like I was going to faint. I was so dizzy that my sight was getting blurry. I went to sit down on what seemed like a rock. It wasn't a rock. It was a huge snapping turtle. FML

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By ughhh123456789 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my old neighbor's bathroom, because he asked me to and I didn't want to be rude. Plus, I was getting paid. He told me to "get the floor pearly white." So I scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed. Turns out the floor tiles are naturally a dull yellowish. I didn't get paid. FML

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By montextes - United States

Today, my mom finally learned how to text. Now it's her way of communicating, even when we're in the same room. FML

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By iphonerevolution - South Africa

Today, my teenage daughter faked a suicide because I bought her a Samsung instead of an iPhone for her birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out that the lump in my wrist that keeps getting inflamed and sore is caused by sketching and using my laptop too much. Good thing I'm in my fourth year of studying to become a designer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband was looking at a bariatric surgery website and asked him what he was reading. He said, "Oh, your anniversary gift. Surprise!" He wasn't kidding. He got mad when I politely declined his gift, then angrily said "You know, it really hurts when you don't like the things I get you." FML

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By g'day cunt - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my dog head-butted me in the mouth so hard that my lip split open. Twenty minutes later, I unthinkingly sprayed perfume directly into the wound. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 1-year-old son walked up to me with a disgusted look on his face. I could tell he had something in his mouth so I pulled it out. He'd been sucking on a piece of cat poop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a message from the girl I like. She told me to never speak to her again and not even look at her any more. Apparently the letter I wrote to her was perverted, vile and nasty. I never wrote her a letter. FML

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By IceMage - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the shower at her house while her parents went out to eat and a movie. Half way through our shower we heard a knocking at the door, it was her mom. We had left all of our clothes downstairs. Safe to say I won't be allowed there any more. FML

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By MaudlinMasters - 5/1/2021 02:01

Things can only get better

Today, marks the 8-month anniversary of receiving my Masters degree. It also marks 8 months of depression and unemployment because the dream job in my field I was promised before graduation was rescinded due to COVID-19. FML

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By Boneo and Juliet - United States - Amherst

Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML

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By steph - United States

Today, I wanted to change out of my bikini for the ride home from the beach. There wasn't a bathroom near, so I went to change in front of a suburban, parked far away from all the people. I took off my suit, hear the car's horn honk, only to find that the car was completely packed with old men. FML

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By automaticfail_00 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML

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By gatewayev700 - United States - Reading

Today, my mom told me she'd canceled my spring break trip to Europe for my 16th birthday. Why? So I could get my wisdom teeth pulled 2 months early. FML

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By NeedANewWindshield

Today, some unprovoked drunk asshole tried punching a hole through the windshield of my car. While I was driving it. FML

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By howtragic - Australia

Today, my husband wrote all these wonderful romantic messages to me via Facebook, proclaiming his love to me in front of all my friends and family. Too bad he hasn't spoken to me in "real life" for almost 3 weeks. FML

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By Drewski - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I am recovering from my second back surgery. I survived four years in the Army with one combat tour without major injury, only to destroy my back the day after discharge by lifting my mother-in-law's suitcase into the trunk of her car. FML

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By ihateveganism - United States - Barrington

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, I realised that my closeted gay friend has dated more women this year than I have in my 28 years of life. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 11:02 - Canada - Courtenay

Supply and demand

Today, I spotted my dad watching a wildlife/nature video. I pointed out to him that the animal on the screen was critically endangered; he rebutted by telling me that it's impossible for the animal on the screen to go extinct because people keep hunting it. FML

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By 123_omg

Today, I got a surround sound system from my best friend. I didn't even have it hooked up when the sub woofer fell to the floor and smashed. I don't know if it can be fixed. FML

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Top comments

By cheesebond | 29

#7846511 - Thursday 26 September 2019 12:46

It’s not proper to eat in bed.

By Major_Haywire | 7

#7846613 - Thursday 26 September 2019 21:57

How many times does this need to be debunked?

COMMENTS

By cheesebond | 29

#7846511 - Thursday 26 September 2019 12:46

It’s not proper to eat in bed.

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7846523 - Thursday 26 September 2019 14:09

OMG, I would freak out .

By bluhbluhbluh | 14

#7846605 - Thursday 26 September 2019 21:39

is it safe to gurgle chlorine? just wondering..

By Major_Haywire | 7

#7846613 - Thursday 26 September 2019 21:57

How many times does this need to be debunked?