Animals: Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in... - FML

By dirtbikeguy - 23/07/2015 13:05 - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 111

You deserved it 1 968

Walk on the wild side

Leave us alone

Don't hate the playa…

By Dejected - 07/12/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I finally got a hold of my husband who I haven't actually talked to in 2 and 1/2 weeks since he is deployed and it's hard to chat. He told me he couldn't talk because he was in an epic battle, in Call of Duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 110

You deserved it 4 698

Natural history

By latino - 11/11/2010 11:30 - United States

Today, at the museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 531

You deserved it 43 620

By wahwah - 23/10/2009 06:51 - United States

Today, I had to complete a project for my course in Italian. We had to write a little paragraph about a friend. I had to make one up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 120

You deserved it 6 254

By fukingtigans - 29/07/2015 15:30 - Croatia - Rupalj

Today, my business got broken into and I lost a lot of valuable equipment. Although I have 24/7 security guards, they left in the middle of the burglary because they were too scared to stop the burglars or even to call the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 588

You deserved it 2 478

By aaannnddd there goes my boner - 28/11/2013 22:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I arrived at work six minutes late due to heavily congested traffic. This is just two days after my boss put out a memo saying that anyone who's late to work from then until the new year will have their holiday bonus pay forfeited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 131

You deserved it 8 391

By Catie - 13/05/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, my husband and I went to the state fair. The entire time, he complained about all the money we were losing because of the high prices of both rides and food. Towards the end of the night, we counted the cash we had left and found we were $50 short. Apparently, it fell out of his pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 833

You deserved it 4 484

By Sam - 28/11/2008 08:50 - France

Spicy

Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 397

You deserved it 11 210

By Preggobride - 14/08/2018 23:35

Today, I am 7 weeks pregnant and dealing with severe morning sickness. Not to worry though, it should get better at 14 weeks, right after I get back from my honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 853

You deserved it 630

By Gasman - 15/07/2017 15:30 - New Zealand

Today, I was sitting in the doctor's waiting room and thought that I was alone. I let rip 2 massive farts before realising there was a very short woman behind the computer screen at the desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 464

You deserved it 3 054

By ihatekids - 20/04/2015 16:57 - United States - Billerica

Today, after a relaxing week away, my husband and I came home to discover our 17 year old son crashed one of our cars against the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 108

You deserved it 3 698

By fire0fisis - 03/02/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, the police called because someone had turned in my wallet that was stolen. I happily drove home only to find that my house had been robbed and ransacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 037

You deserved it 2 174

By Anonymous - 15/12/2013 00:48 - Canada

Today, for my 18th birthday my mum gave me a black lace thong. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 283

You deserved it 4 160

Decisions, decisions

By Anonymous - 14/04/2020 08:00

Spicy

Today, I shoved my tits in my boyfriend's face and he chose to continue playing Minecraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 826

You deserved it 825

By Reihna - 15/10/2012 13:10 - United States - Marion

Today, it's my birthday. I spent $100 on myself, using it to set up an account so that my son can call me from jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 386

You deserved it 4 113

By divineinstrument - 12/07/2009 14:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent hours and hours trying to figure out why the wireless internet on my laptop wasn't working, but everything I tried completely failed. At the end of the day, my older brother came home, and fixed the problem in under 10 seconds by turning the wireless internet switch on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 579

You deserved it 58 306

By SM - 30/10/2009 03:35 - United States

Today, at work one of my co-worker was oddly nice to me; and my boss, who usually always says hi to me, didn't look or speak to me. Later that day I found out that I was going to be fired, not because my boss told me but because my picture was missing from the wall of employees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 754

You deserved it 2 031

Cats can do anything, but they have to want to

By Thankful I wear glasses - 29/06/2021 19:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after encouraging my cat to try his new cat bed all day with no success, I attempted to gently place him in it. Instead, he managed to fear-spray me in the face. Like a skunk. I didn't even know cats could do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 682

You deserved it 266

By whyme - 10/03/2012 23:37 - United States

Today, my mother screamed and swore at me because I said I was looking to move out soon. Apparently, the idea of me moving out at 27 and her getting a job to pay her own way is devastating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 272

You deserved it 2 956

By justinmdent - 24/11/2014 03:48 - United States - Excelsior Springs

Today, I helped a very large elderly man, who thanked me and tried to hand me a dollar bill. I kindly told him, "We are not allowed to accept tips from customers." His reply was, "You're going to take this fucking money," and shoved it in my pocket. I'm now being written up for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 612

You deserved it 2 940

By Shinobi_3 - 26/02/2010 17:43 - United States

Today, while I was eating, a fly kept pissing me off. After three minutes of it buzzing around, I caught it and killed it. Then, without realizing it, I smeared its guts all over the front of my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 810

You deserved it 29 235

Cheapskate on the run

By huntbluntz95 - 18/11/2020 11:01

Today, I was at work at a coffee shop. We charge 50 cents every 15 minutes of use of our computers. An old man tried sneaking out without paying after being at a computer. As I was telling him to pay for his time, he threw a bagel at me and ran to his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 870

You deserved it 74

By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 06:44 - United States

Today, I drove 45 min from my college to surprise my girlfriend with roses after she got off work. She responded by taking the roses, dumping them in her back seat, and speeding off because she couldn't miss Survivor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 018

You deserved it 3 311

Bladdered

By Anonymous - 14/05/2021 14:31 - India - Delhi

Today, while playing cards, with my dad, mom and sister, I excused myself to go to the bathroom several times just to secretly chat with my crush. I laughed so hard at a joke that I wet my pants. My family thinks I need to see a doctor because I was going to the bathroom so often between card games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 209

You deserved it 1 233

By Anonymous - 28/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I fell madly in love with 8 years ago. She disappeared from my life with no trace. Turns out she just finalized her divorce, has 2 wild kids, packed on 75 lbs, has $25,000 in debt and is taking meds to keep from going crazy. Now she wants me back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 149

You deserved it 3 577

By Anonymous - 17/09/2011 01:24 - United States

Today, at college, I found a lanyard with some keys and a YMCA member's card attached. Hoping to find contact details, I googled the name on the back of the card, just in time for him to return and see me looking through his Facebook profile like some kind of stalker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 340

You deserved it 12 393

By lion2294 - 05/03/2015 09:19 - United States - Laingsburg

Today, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't stop looking at my phone while working. I work in the back room, and there is no clock in there. I look at my phone to check the time. That way I know how long I have left in that hellhole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 105

You deserved it 7 191

By JustSom - 05/05/2015 02:03 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I finally got my 14-year-old son to aim while using the bathroom. If only I could get my husband to do the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 372

You deserved it 3 077

By thanks a lot mom - 28/12/2014 06:52 - United States - Sloughhouse

Today, my mom and I went to exchange a massive stuffed animal, which was meant for my niece. I was carrying it when I saw a really hot guy looking at me funny. My mom snickered and told him that I never go anywhere without "George". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 083

You deserved it 3 392

By Anonymous - 31/05/2012 11:29 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I woke up to an email confirming my membership to a dating site. Turns out my mother is as annoyed by my loveless life as I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 092

You deserved it 2 549

By daybyday - 22/11/2011 08:08 - Australia

Today, I found out that what I thought could be a life-threatening issue causing me chest pains was only because I over-obsessed about it. Now not only do I have social anxiety, but I get so anxious I can create fake illnesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 605

You deserved it 6 345

By Anonymous - 16/03/2017 02:00

Today, after sweeping up a spill, I managed to break the cupboard door. With my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 718

You deserved it 520

By BUSTED. - 01/12/2015 19:02 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I punched a drunk woman who kept trying to force herself onto my husband. She turned out to be an off-duty cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 492

You deserved it 3 685

By Anonymous - 22/07/2014 17:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my 15-year-old daughter stripping on Skype for strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 274

You deserved it 44 623

It's not the size that counts

By Leo Scofield - 29/08/2020 02:00

Spicy

Today, I came home to find out my roommate had sex in my bed, because he didn't want his date to know he has a smaller bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 904

You deserved it 131

By littlespoon - 04/02/2010 08:40 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be a funny idea to spray me with a hose while I was holding a kitten, showing her how cute we were. Needless to say, now I'm covered head to toe in cat scratches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 373

You deserved it 3 539

By damnthedog - 19/01/2013 07:40 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I found out that my home-made pasta sauce had a weird taste to it because my basil patch in the backyard has become my dog's preferred spot to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 223

You deserved it 7 337

Stuck

By Anonymous - 10/04/2021 17:59 - Canada - Regina

Today, I found out that I'm not getting a new position I applied for at my company. Now, I have to continue working for my boss, who recently severely criticized my spelling in my reports, only they weren't my reports, and when I pointed this out, she simply never responded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 70

By Anonymous - 02/08/2015 09:16 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend hasn't showered in two weeks. He says he doesn't want his "manliness" to wash off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 181

You deserved it 2 847

No Ragrets

By Rodolfo_el - 17/04/2021 10:59

Today, my wife made me sleep on the couch because I ate the last Magnum Ice Cream bar. Last week, she bitched me out for singing too loud in the shower. I strongly regret leaving my ex-girlfriend of 5 years for this woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 1 718

By Divorcemenow - 17/07/2009 22:02 - United States

Today, I awoke to my husband donning a gorilla mask in the middle of the night. My kids have been staying in a tent out back for the past few nights, and have complained of a "monster" scaring them. I told them that it was their imagination. My husband says he gets a kick out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 541

You deserved it 6 947

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Top comments

LoverWordsFood 27

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:42

Nope, Nope, Nope and No Fucking Way. Strong mouthwash and some kind of brush to scrub out the...feeling. *shudders*

DeathofCareBear 21

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:38

Isn't that touching...

Comments

DeathofCareBear 21

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:38

Isn't that touching...

gte225 11

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:51

Nope.

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Friday 24 July 2015 1:29

Cinderella would be proud!

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Friday 24 July 2015 3:20

A little too touchy mostly on the spiders part

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Friday 24 July 2015 6:44

According to scientists (whom I believe more than internet attention whores, though that's just me being weird), spiders do not crawl into peoples mouth while they sleep. So I have no choice but to call OP a liar.

5secondsofvvifi 21

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Friday 24 July 2015 8:58

So touching, I now don't want to go to sleep. It's like 3am though and I kind of have to. Perfect

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:39

Pretty sure my husband would've died of an anxiety and heart attack!

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Friday 24 July 2015 13:34

wouldn't we all?

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Friday 24 July 2015 19:16

Nope.

theusediscool 26

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:40

NOPE! GOTTA SET THE ROOM ON FIRE NOW!!

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Friday 24 July 2015 1:01

More like mouth on fire...

ProfessorMctitie 20

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Friday 24 July 2015 1:33

more like setting yourself on fire

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Friday 24 July 2015 19:17

Come on, spiders are adorable.

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Friday 24 July 2015 20:40

What's burning your room/the house down going to accomplish? Every time I read an FML about spiders, everyone screams, "Burn the house down!" or some variation thereof. You can't get rid of spiders no matter what you do. And as scary as they are, we need them to get rid of the flies and the mosquitoes. Plus, I hear mint oil is a better, non-fire way of getting rid of those sons of bitches.

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:40

Kill it with fire!!!

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:41

That's horrible, sorry you had to go through that!

LoverWordsFood 27

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:42

Nope, Nope, Nope and No Fucking Way. Strong mouthwash and some kind of brush to scrub out the...feeling. *shudders*

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:43

To all the "kill it with fire!" Comments, remember that the spider is IN HER MOUTH. That would not end well.

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:45

Kill it with hot sauce!

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Friday 24 July 2015 1:21

Its a "he"

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Friday 24 July 2015 4:07

If i woke up to a spider in my mouth, my soul would leave my body

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Friday 24 July 2015 6:22

Yeah we know what's the problem?

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:43

Did you burn down your house? Because that's what you should have done.

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Friday 24 July 2015 20:54

Lol that was really funny

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:44

Reading this made my skin crawl.. i feel so bad for you. i would have cried real jesus tears.

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:45

Lol what are "real Jesus tears"?

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:47

Authentic holy tears #11 .

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Friday 24 July 2015 1:15

tears that are blessed by the pope and used in exorcisms are real jesus tears...

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Friday 24 July 2015 1:26

You get real Jesus tears by burning the hell out of them.

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Friday 24 July 2015 0:46

All aboard the nope train.

domolovesyoshi 33

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Friday 24 July 2015 1:32

I'll take one 'noway' ticket please

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Friday 24 July 2015 4:58

I'll take a ticket to Fuckthatville.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816

You deserved it 109

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 205

You deserved it 291