Intimacy: Today, I walked in on my boyfriend taking pictures of his penis... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 11

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 748

17/02/2013 06:45

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend taking pictures of his penis in a condom. When I asked him what the hell he was doing he told me that he was making a stop-motion film called "All Dressed Up with Nowhere to go." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 550

You deserved it 10 079

Vulture

Furry family

Still pining

Unreasonable demands

By Anonymous - 12/06/2021 06:01

Today, my girlfriend was mad I have so many female contacts in my phone and demanded I delete some of them. Two thirds of them are blood relatives, the rest are coworkers and one is a friend I’ve known since primary school, who is dying of a brain tumour. Which exactly should I delete? FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 94

01/08/2009 19:24

Today, I got pulled over for the first time since I got my license. I have disorganized speech and occasional inappropriate emotional response. I began to laugh due to nervousness and when I tried to explain why, I was arrested because he thought I was high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 090

You deserved it 5 393

Ratatouille

By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 08:02

Today, after my house almost got broken into last week, when I heard some noises in the kitchen I went to investigate. I saw a huge rat run across my floor, and nearly peed myself thinking it was an intruder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 150

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - 06/06/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, I’m recovering from an accident. My boyfriend wanted to get it on, but I told him I couldn’t as I'd had a major spinal injury. He replied, "But you have a mouth, though stop with the excuses." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 844

You deserved it 218

22/03/2012 22:13

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 168

You deserved it 3 334

04/03/2010 15:51

Today, I went out to eat with a group of couples and my boyfriend. All my friends boyfriends paid for them. Mine didn't, and said that I should order off the diet menu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 859

You deserved it 5 611

27/11/2015 20:21

Today, my stepmom asked me to bake pies for a dinner party she was having. Since I love baking, I said yes. When I went to deliver the pies, I found out they were for a family dinner I wasn't invited to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 151

You deserved it 1 625

Weird movie choice

By Anonymous - 09/05/2021 00:01

Today, I had my first ever date. He invited me to dinner and a movie. Then he put on "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out, so I had to wait till the end of the film. FML

I agree, your life sucks 604

You deserved it 302

A Poopy Proposal

By aliciababy24 - 25/07/2017 21:00

Today, while on a weekend away, my boyfriend and I went for a walk. I now get to tell everyone the story of how my boyfriend got down on one knee into a pile of cow shit while proposing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 255

You deserved it 554

01/08/2011 18:12

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. They grabbed and lifted me in the air, about to throw me in the pool. My iPhone was in my pocket, so I screamed "MY PHONE!" They paused so I could gently throw it onto a deck chair. It bounced, hit the concrete, and cracked its screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 451

You deserved it 13 096

05/07/2009 04:12

Today, I was on a train when an old man standing next to me very obviously checked me out, caught my eye, and winked. He spent the next five minutes rubbing his penis against my leg. When I turned to tell him off, the train lurched, and the old man fell face first into my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 415

You deserved it 6 829

15/06/2016 10:52

Today, I'm on a class trip to Washington DC. Last night, my roommate took a shower, and I decided that I would take one in the morning. This morning, I found out after I got out of the shower that my roommate used one towel for drying himself, and the other for a mat. He didn't hang either of them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 899

You deserved it 1 264

Bye Felicia!

By NeedMoreFriends - 03/07/2015 10:30

Today, I rang up a good friend to ask her to be one of the two bridesmaids at my upcoming wedding. Before I could ask, she let me know that she would not be attending my wedding, as, "Weddings are expensive, so I'm not attending ones for people that are just acquaintances." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 027

You deserved it 2 359

Wrong place, right time

By Anonymous - 12/03/2020 16:00

Today, I stopped to gas up. The pump wasn't taking my BP rewards card, and it said to go see the cashier. I went in to ask what's up, where the cashier politely pointed out that I was in a Shell gas station, not a BP. FML

I agree, your life sucks 446

You deserved it 1 834

13/02/2015 04:59

Today, I went to a thrift store and found heaps of clothes that I loved that fit me perfectly. Then I found a special distinctive dress. My dress. My dad had thrown away heaps of my clothes and I had to buy them all back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 494

You deserved it 3 083

02/02/2013 01:01

Spicy

Today, while trucking, I got stuck in traffic on a congested highway. After 15 minutes of mind-numbing boredom, I glanced down at the car beside me, only to witness the driver changing her tampon and flicking the old one onto the highway. I can't unsee this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 259

You deserved it 4 001

21/10/2011 04:57

Today, my roomie had guests over. I didn't feel like socializing, but I really had to piss. So I pissed in the plant in my room, spilled half of it, mopped it up with an old shirt, and went to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 541

You deserved it 55 243

18/11/2013 23:47

Today, I'm moving from Arizona to Washington State with my 2 cats in my car. I've only just left and just learned that one cat gets carsick and the other stress farts. Only 956 more miles to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 238

You deserved it 6 357

09/06/2009 17:07

Today, I had a food allergy test done because of an ugly acne upswing. And after over a year of vegetarianism, I find out that I'm allergic to soy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 114

You deserved it 22 352

03/12/2012 05:06

Today, while getting a hernia exam, I accidentally ran my fingers through my doctor's hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 510

You deserved it 8 948

18/11/2016 13:45

Today, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and suffering from severe pregnancy brain. I was making my husband's lunch to take to work. I realised shortly after he left that I'd used dish soap instead of BBQ sauce for his sandwich. He has to turn his phone off for work, so I have no way to warn him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 978

You deserved it 1 741

17/04/2017 05:00

Today, at work, a woman screamed at me and called me a bitch because I refused to refund something we give away for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 923

You deserved it 266

21/07/2015 06:05

Today, while working as a cart attendant, I found one of my coworkers on a lawn chair sipping on a Bud light in the parking lot, while we both were supposed to be working, leaving me to push carts by myself. My boss comes out to me catching my breath and tells me to work harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 380

You deserved it 1 958

13/12/2010 05:32

Today, my ex-girlfriend, who is obviously still in love with me, is best friends with my mom. Now every time I come home, she is over. She even spent 4 hours helping us decorate our Christmas tree, and now she is telling my little sister about our love life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 433

You deserved it 5 169

Great help

By got got - 30/01/2020 14:00

Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 237

You deserved it 287

11/12/2011 01:35

Today, I was getting dressed in my bedroom with the blinds open and had nothing covering my top half. I thought my neighbours wouldn't be able to see in through all the trees, that was until I heard someone wolf whistle and one of my neighbours running away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 434

You deserved it 32 077

Thanks for your help

By Anonymous - 07/05/2021 20:01

Today, after sacrificing multiple weekends to help my kid brother with his various projects, I asked him to help me with one of mine. He nearly blew up at the thought of losing an evening of his free time on a simple task, so I postponed it to later, which means never. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816

You deserved it 72

24/08/2015 18:59

Today, I was just a few days away from starting the training for my promotion to management, which involved a healthy pay raise and full time benefits. Today, news came down that the company is filing for bankruptcy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 310

You deserved it 1 561

Please don't do this

By Anonymous - 17/03/2010 15:38

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 026

You deserved it 6 666

24/11/2010 19:34

Today, my boss sent me to a meeting with a client I've never met to do some damage control and renegotiate his contract. For two hours, he alternated between threatening to sue us, and making vulgar comments about raping me in his office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 045

You deserved it 3 159

01/10/2009 14:25

Today, during an argument with my daughter she screamed "everyone hates you!" and stormed off. I flopped down on the couch in frustration where the cat jumped on my lap. "You love me, don't you?" I asked the cat. She crapped on my leg and went to my daughter's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 285

You deserved it 6 825

03/08/2016 01:04

Today, I got called for a job that I applied to 2 months ago, just to ask me if I had an older brother that could work for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 744

You deserved it 795

Because of him

By whytho - 19/11/2019 03:00

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I also found out I have an STD. I was clean before we dated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 350

You deserved it 343

People disprove

By matt - 12/03/2021 08:01

Today, I, a forty year-old man, went to the store with my teenage daughter and infant son. I got some very dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 054

You deserved it 94

Priorities

By natashamilan - 26/02/2015 01:43

Today, I was at a friend's birthday party when I got a call from my mom telling me to come home because my dog died. When I told my friend that I had to leave because of the loss, she replied with, "Okay, but you brought my gift inside, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 632

You deserved it 2 810

22/09/2010 00:00

Today, I took my dogs to an empty park. While they were running around, I laid down in the grass to read a book. Someone thought I was a dead body and called the cops. The police and paramedics showed up. This is the second time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 546

You deserved it 4 981

18/02/2011 09:33

Today, at work, my phone rang. My intern answered it and told me it was a coworker who'd just left. I picked up and said "What's up bitch? What are you going to complain about now?!" It was actually my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 996

You deserved it 44 817

14/07/2011 01:44

Today, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years still refuses to memorize my phone number or remember my birthday because he says there is a limited amount of space in his brain and he does not want to push any important information out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 204

You deserved it 6 792

27/05/2016 18:45

Today, my boyfriend added me to his friends' private Whatsapp group, after weeks of asking him to include me in more of his life. It turns out almost all they do is post pictures of their shits and rate them. There is nearly a year's worth of pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 340

You deserved it 6 012

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 17:01

Today, at 2 a.m. I heard a noise coming from the living room. I thought somebody must be breaking in, so I had to save my cats. When I opened the door, all I could see was the only plant I owned, all over the room. The cats just greeted me with a friendly purr, like they were happy I was joining them in their sandbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 195

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Top comments

supportcommand 17

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Sunday 17 February 2013 12:34

Give him somewhere to go then. Turn it into a live action film.

kwyk 23

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Sunday 17 February 2013 12:50

Look at the poor little fella. All dressed up, bursting out of his skin with excitement but then his buddy stood him up. Keep tissues nearby, this movie will be a real tear jerker (no pun intended).

Comments

supportcommand 17

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Sunday 17 February 2013 12:34

Give him somewhere to go then. Turn it into a live action film.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 12:47

A martial arts movie could be nice. Hay-yaaaa!

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

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Sunday 17 February 2013 13:24

Unless she's waiting until a much later time, then she doesn't need to just give in... Coz to me it seems OP's bf is sexually fustrated which makes me assume he doesn't get it...which in that case OP doesn't need to be pressured.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 13:53

At least he keeps it interesting.

sleepinginclass 8

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Sunday 17 February 2013 17:39

At first I read the fml as brother and all these comments about giving him somewhere to go really disturbed me.

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Monday 18 February 2013 2:27

Because boyfriend and brother are both spelt so SIMILARLY.....

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Monday 18 February 2013 2:41

Could be dyslexic.

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Monday 18 February 2013 13:54

38-Welcome to the Internet!

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Tuesday 19 February 2013 14:25

GENIUS.

7yzz 18

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 3:01

@14 Omg are you serious, a girls boyfriend takes a picture of his dick in a condom and you immediately jump to 'his pressuring her!'. What is wrong with you? I really dont hope you are male, wow. Only on FML...

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Sunday 17 February 2013 12:35

Take him for a wild night out on the town.. Or atleast in bed..

wlddog 14

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Sunday 17 February 2013 18:29

Sounds like OP could be a better director and make the script better.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 12:39

Aka Pee Weeks non-existent adventure.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 12:41

You gotta give up to him for creativity.

kwyk 23

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Sunday 17 February 2013 12:50

Look at the poor little fella. All dressed up, bursting out of his skin with excitement but then his buddy stood him up. Keep tissues nearby, this movie will be a real tear jerker (no pun intended).

dudeutookhrs 24

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Monday 10 August 2015 15:36

But then he's dressed in a monkey suit that's probably too tight. And then his buddy shakes him up and roughs him up so much he can't help but throw up.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 13:03

Will it be in 3D?

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Sunday 17 February 2013 13:08

It's not hard to see that a movie like this will end up limp and flaccid. The subject matter is just too soft. I don't see this director going anywhere. This movie is a definite floppy.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 13:25

What if it was a huge hit? Would it rake cold, soft cash?

jem970 19

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Sunday 17 February 2013 18:39

hahahahahahaha that was good Doc

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Monday 18 February 2013 4:02

Didn't even make it in the box office.

beanthemouse 13

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Sunday 17 February 2013 13:13

This FML made my day, haha! FYL, hopefully he will keep it private. No pun intended.

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Sunday 17 February 2013 14:36

When will people realize that saying "No pun intended" is just really freaking annoying, especially, but not limited to, when it clearly is intended? It makes me want to break something. No pun intended.

Ray_of_midnight 22

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Monday 18 February 2013 1:11

I submitted ten examples of wordplay to a joke contest. I was hoping one of them would win but no pun in ten did.

fleur_de_fevrier_fml 22

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Sunday 17 February 2013 13:17

I smell Oscar :)

yoursucklives 36

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Sunday 17 February 2013 13:24

i smell latex

supportcommand 17

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Sunday 17 February 2013 14:59

Tell Oscar to take a shower.

oj101 33

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Sunday 17 February 2013 13:19

Kudos to him for a creative title.