Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dad walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. His only reaction was to mutter, "Put some back into it, son." before awkwardly sidling out. FML
Today, my father pulled me aside as I was heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said, "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your shorts pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML
Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo. FML
Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my parents. They got quite drunk, and my mom shouted at him, "Have you had sex with my daughter?" As he was shaking his head, my dad said, "I have" in a really creepy voice, thinking it would be funny. It wasn't. FML
Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML
Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML
Today, I turned 18. My dad congratulated me and gifted me his collection of old porn magazines. Not bad, dad, but perhaps not during family dinner next time. FML
Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML
Today, my dad gave my younger brother condoms and a pat on the back, even though he doesn't have a girlfriend. This is after called me a whore after he saw me kissing my long-term boyfriend last week. FML
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Top comments
livewire1701 8
Your dad is awesome!
YakuzaxGeneralz 9
it's not like they were cemented to the table. stop being lazy and pick them up. youre not hiding a sex swing.
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Comments (259)
CRAZYBISCUIT 7
Dumbass.
missory_missouri 0
OP, 9 years is quite a while...I understand though. Keepin' things private...I respect that.
badbe 0
His dads just jealous he hasn't had sex in 9 years.
badbe 0
His dads just jealous he hasn't had sex in 9 years.
missory_missouri 0
I haven't had sex ever..VIRGINITY=BLISS because I don't know what I'm missing! (:
dudeitsdanny 10
^ I'd find that reasonable if OP's dad had reacted negatively to the condoms.. But he just rudely told her it's ridiculous to hide them. I.. I don't see the jealousy. OP- You deserve it. It's not like you left your handcuffs out, or something.. Just condoms. You have safe sex, big deal. Hide the nipple clamps and shock collar, but no one cares about condoms. You cannnn apologize for having them out, and put them away.. That's reasonable.. but when you said you hid them, I assumed you were a teenage girl.
writergirl69 0
Well, dear, your "subtlety" obviously needs some work.
missory_missouri 0
Are we talking about me? I could have had sex a long time ago...I CHOSE to be a virgin.
dudeitsdanny 10
52- Please explain how either comment could possibly be about you. Talk about teenage ego-centrism.. Not everything's about ya, kid. It's a big world.
missory_missouri 0
Thanks for the update...but I wasn't talking to you. Also, I apologize. I realized after I replied, that the comment was directed at OP. I wasn't thinking about the FML and therefore, I was being disrespectful towards him. I'm sorry for the outburst, everyone.
DaveOnDope 4
You need to get laid.
HeroOfWar 0
I lol'd.
Bofferding_fml 6
not getting laid = not knowing your sexual preferences what you enjoy most, you'll get marries before your first Time, ans then you'll be disappointed because The sex won't be what you wish with your husband, because you find out that you like it hardcore
j300zx 0
I LOL'd at 61 lol
matt1990 0
i lol'd at how emo 61 looks.
flammenhund 4
poop
L3Paparazzo 7
your missing out buddy :P
sweet_princess 0
good for you hahah, your missing so much
HeroOfWar 0
I lol'd at the retarded goggles your wearing, so I think we're fair.
ScaughtieHolden 11
52 you can't always choose, eh? xD
heysup28 0
win ^
heysup28 0
for 54
GigglePony 13
#86, you sound kind of mad.
MissMandyXO 2
haha sooo it looks like you wrote this post about yourself :)
MissMandyXO 2
oops! didn't mean to put that there
BAMF18 0
i lol'd at "woodys" bio. grow up pleasethanks
ShadyFTW1 0
Virginity is not dignity, it's just lack of opportunity. It's cute until you are 20, then it's just pathetic.
tulsafml 0
:D
hawty12345 0
stereotype much?
hawty12345 0
**71, 72..stereotype much? wow guys, grow up. He can look however the **** he wants. Does it really matter that much to you?
machiko_fml 0
139, he? Profile says "he" is a girl.
nohugs4u 8
awkward..
hawty12345 0
oh whoops..this is like really awkward. but i didnt look to see if they were a boy or girl, and the picture is really small on the Iphone. Sorry my bad
YakuzaxGeneralz 9
it's not like they were cemented to the table. stop being lazy and pick them up. youre not hiding a sex swing.
cn5692 0
maybe he is hiding a sex swing.
pinkcd3 0
i love ur pic its COLORFUL
klovemachine 24
OP is silly
WaltzingPhanthom 23
Or is he...?
livewire1701 8
Your dad is awesome!
missory_missouri 0
^Agreed!
fmfreakinlife 3
that was worng on the dads part. ya he might be grown up but I'm pretty sure it's not appropriate to leave condoms in the open like tht with company over.
LoginUnknown 0
Ummm, might want to work on the reading comprehension thing. The Dad was at his son's house. The son is the one that left them sitting on the table.
iloveboyswittats 10
The dad was at his daughter's house. OP is a girl
SkateElement44 0
How can you determine the gender of the OP?
LouieLZ 5
We all met her to discuss the topic in a more personal way. Sorry we didn't invite you.
griffmo24 0
there is a gender icon at the very top
Sinkhole 26
I don't think you know what the word 'prudish' means, Ayame01. Prudish means: "Having or revealing a tendency to be easily shocked by matters relating to sex or nudity; excessively concerned with sexual propriety". To me, it's obvious that OP's father is not prudish, if he were, he wouldn't have said that to her.
binkybaby 3
If we're being technical, the daughter was actually the prudish one for being embarrassed by the condoms.
Sinkhole 26
I think it was OP the one who went over the top to hide the condoms. Her attempt obviously wasn't subtle enough, as her dad noticed them anyway. In every case, binkybaby is right, OP was the prudish one.
Purple_Princess0_fml 0
EXACTLY
JocelynKaulitz 28
hahaha! very true though.
daaron 3
if u knew ur dad was coming why didn't u clean up dumbass
christrex99 0
oh so what lazy people aren't allowed to have sex now
lexeous 4
What about the vase's feelings?
smileeee_fml 0
dry
tulsafml 0
your face is dry!!!
urdirtyolduncle 15
cute chow :)
smileeee_fml 0
#123 , not interested in what you think of my face. hahaha kthanksbye (:
thecovert 7
Yeah, dumbass.
jdude2913 0
my dad would be like "u hit that?"
lexeous 4
I just noticed that the author used 'hide' in the wrong tense. You have earned a YDI.
Ranimal 12
I would say "who the **** cares", but apparently you do.
gonzaval 0
in the wrong "tense" ;)
dudeitsdanny 10
I care. It's one of those annoying mistakes that are pretty hard to justify. However, I passed it off as a typo.
j300zx 0
#9 Do you feel good about yourself? Who gives a shit. People like you are so annoying thinking you are better because of a little mistake and correcting it. Go cure cancer then you have permission to say anything you want to others.
jooliaboolia 6
definitely not. correct: I hid them. also correct: I moved the vase to hide them. incorrect: I moved the vase to hid them. go to school, dumbass.
hedgerow 0
85 - obvious win
spriteisfornewbs 0
it is in the right tense. YOU are the dumbass here.
tr3vst3r 5
grammar nazi.
G00DA 0
I. agree with 83. stop being am ugly English teacher.
MissMandyXO 2
it's def in the right tense. looks like you pretty much fkn suck :)
MissMandyXO 2
even if it has been changed, they still suck.
yazdmich 1
you deserve a YDI for being a grammar nazi
jdude8897 4
'I moved the vase to hide them'....I don't see how that is the wrong tense.
emjay09 0
jooliaboolia ftw!! lexeous= fail at trying to be a grammar Nazi. go back to school.
Impact_In_3_2_1 2
That's a real grammar Nazi - Like a Nazi, he lost the war, and now nobody cares much for him.
jesses393 0
ppl come on here to talk about there problems not ******* English class lessons like deal with the mistakes
nobodycares2252 0
actually it is in the right tense
Igor_g5 0
It wasn't wrong. it was used correctly. You should make sure that you know what you're talking about before you criticize people.
uberletepoon 10
to parents, children feel they must always be virgins. even if they are married and have kids lol. you never want them to find out
noornia 6
true
xoxchelaxox08 17
This goes double for grandparents, as my fiancé so cleverly pointed out :(
BAMF18 0
says Uber leet Poon
colhyena 3
Um.. only if you have a family of prudes.
justalilrandom2 4
I think it's just a family thing, no matter how you are related you really don't want to believe they get frisky. Unless you are into that sort of thing I suppose.
tytuskey 3
agree
AlwaysIgnoredAlw 0
thtz tru
TheNewGuy03 29
next time, just get several packs of condoms, and have them strewn across your table in a checkered pattern. then invite your dad. |the kid|
gonzaval 0
cute picture
Justine94_x 31
Lol.:L
arabesque4ever 0
hahaha ya no big deal but you are gorgeoussss. Not that you haven't been told before.
Xathanos 16
I can hear that being said, by Frank Barone. Anyone else?
matt1990 0
haha everybody loves raymond reference! show is super funny.
OneLittleAdditio 9
I think Red from that 70's show is better suited for this line. lol
jrdirtbike114 2
My first thought was ray's dad lol
allmine133 0
yeah I'm thinking more like red foremen.
AgeOfAquariusss 7
Definitely! xD And Eric has that guilty look on his face.