Kids: Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my...

By wtfdad - 16/11/2014 05:29 - United States - Little Silver

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 144

You deserved it 4 222

Kids

Mama's boy

Operation time!

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but…

By Michelle - 03/08/2011 06:01 - United States

Today, I went bowling with my parents. This cute guy works there and he always flirts with me. My mom just so happened to see it today. As we left, she says to him "You know she's 13, right?" I'm 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 071

You deserved it 3 402

By Timmay - 05/06/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I was on the deck of a sailboat and I started feeling seasick. I bent over the edge to throw up. After I stood back up, the wind changed direction and the boon swung around, knocking me into the open ocean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 756

You deserved it 4 665

By Anonymous - 07/08/2015 14:27 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss at my new job described a client as "retarded". I corrected him with "mentally disabled". He smirked and replied "Whatever. Just explain things to her real slow. After all, she's 'mentally disabled'. And a woman." I need this job so bad that I'll have to just put up with this asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 630

You deserved it 3 599

By Anonymous - 21/02/2015 14:20 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 031

You deserved it 31 904

Poor pillow

By Randy Candy - 12/02/2021 17:01 - United States

Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 236

By John-John - 06/03/2017 15:00 - United States - Jackson

Today, I got break-up text. She called me a poor, broke, little dick, sorry excuse for a man and said that my mom should have swallowed me "as an egg". She also said that no one could ever want me. Thing is, I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 829

You deserved it 428

By koolkidx3 - 24/02/2010 21:28 - United States

Today, I had my final economics exam, and needed to ace it, or else I would fail the entire module. After studying all day yesterday, and pulling an all-nighter today, I managed to pull it off and get a perfect score. Unfortunately, my teacher didn't believe that it was possible, and accused me of cheating. Now I may be thrown out of college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 258

You deserved it 3 048

By BadKneeBackAndSinuses - 23/09/2018 15:30

Today, I found out I have to have an operation. This will be the third in 3 years, all for completely unrelated reasons. I'm only 26 and apparently my body is already falling apart at the seams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 767

You deserved it 130

By Anonymous - 21/09/2010 21:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 165

You deserved it 7 871

By Anonymous - 15/05/2016 21:10 - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out it's possible to dislocate your jaw just by yawning. Now I'm in the ER, looking like a total psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 269

You deserved it 1 382

By Devin - 02/08/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize that I was the only one who didn't have a date. The theater row had just enough room for everyone but me, I got to sit in back of everyone else while they were making out in front of me for 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 025

You deserved it 5 937

By NightHawk4926 - 09/09/2015 22:15 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man. I gave him my sandwich, since he needed it more than me. Seconds later, he was attacked by a flock of birds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 283

You deserved it 1 731

Overreaction?

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 08:01

Today, it's the second day my wife hasn’t been to work at all, because a cashier called her ma’am instead of miss. Apparently, it’s the first time this has happened and she’s so upset that she might be visibly growing old that she’s been in bed for two days crying. We’re both only 27 years-old, FFS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 050

You deserved it 131

Time to lay down the law

By Christiana Lipphardt - 09/07/2021 20:01

Today, I was told that my in-laws are visiting next weekend. I already have anxiety, as they behaved really badly last time and treat our newborn like a toy and keep bothering her. My husband won't say anything as he wants to spare their feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 103

Chill out, dudebro

By Anonymous - 17/04/2021 20:00

Today, my hair is so long hair that it touches my shoulders now. My father attempted to bribe me into cutting my hair several times. I'm 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 636

You deserved it 219

Word of the day

By Maryann - 19/03/2021 05:01

Today, my four year-old daughter asked me what the word “necrophilia” means. I have no idea where she even heard that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 830

You deserved it 67

By DamnHippieSoap - 29/08/2018 17:30 - United States - Estero

Today, I discovered my washcloths smelled like mushrooms. As I'm allergic to mold, I panicked and spent all day washing every towel and sheet in the house. At last, I went to take a shower and discovered that the mushroom smell was actually emanating from my $5-a-bar organic soap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 649

You deserved it 2 157

By took it - 09/02/2014 14:36 - United States - Syracuse

Today, while playing a big basketball game, I had to run urgently to the bathroom because of a really hard diarrhea. I took the ball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 698

You deserved it 8 309

By LassieToe - 30/03/2012 03:48 - Australia

Today, while on the train to university, I realized it was my stop and quickly stood up to get off. Or I would have, if my leg hadn't gone to sleep and caused me to fall, landing face first into the crotch of the old guy in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 372

You deserved it 2 812

By annoyed teen - 13/04/2014 03:01 - United States - Boise

Today, I had to work at the restaurant instead of going to the prom, which nobody asked me out to. For five hours, I got to shamefully greet and seat people on their way home from the prom, all of whom knew I was too lame to get asked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 438

You deserved it 4 764

By Anonymous - 20/07/2011 04:26 - New Zealand

Today, I slipped and fell in mud while running from the car to inside to avoid getting wet in a torrential downpour. I was running from the limo, in my wedding dress, to the church for my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 427

You deserved it 7 772

By sunflowercake - 23/08/2009 23:10 - Canada

Today, I made a very pretty sunflower cake that I woke up incredibly early to make. It took me hours and a lot of money. It was for my grandparents anniversary and my whole family was invited. We only got to see the remains because the waiter gave it to the wrong family, and they ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 862

You deserved it 2 362

By daycare worker - 23/12/2016 18:41 - United States - Houston

Today, I told my 4-year-old daughter that when she grew up she could work at a daycare, like me, to help all of the little kids like her. She started crying because she thought it was a bad job to have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 719

You deserved it 1 698

By Thanh Quang - 31/01/2011 05:58

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on World of Warcraft. I've been paying for her subscription. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 520

You deserved it 14 776

By elsatheannoyed - 12/11/2014 04:34 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 047

You deserved it 4 518

By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 01/04/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 643

You deserved it 6 716

Ace of Spades

By Simon Edhouse - 13/09/2021 09:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my wife has initiated sex less than five times in the 18 years we've been married. If I don't mention it, then she doesn't have to bother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 198

Sashay away!

By Anonymous - 12/09/2017 20:00

Today, someone called out "Ma'am!" while approaching me from behind, but then said "Oops, sir!" when I turned around. I was wearing a corset and miniskirt with leggings. They were correct the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 701

You deserved it 369

By ihatespiders - 05/08/2014 12:31 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I asked my 8-year-old daughter to kill a house spider for me. I am a 42-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 778

You deserved it 18 808

By cammy123 - 08/05/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I went to Target. I was on my way to the bathroom when I find a huge mirror. No one was around so I started to see how my butt looked in my jeans, checked up my nose and fixed my bra. An older woman then walks out of a door next to the mirror and explains that it's a two-way mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 562

You deserved it 47 144

By Smeagogole - 02/07/2015 04:30 - France - Villeurbanne

Today, I found a friend's gold ring in some grass after a intense 10-minute search in the dark. As well as thanks, I've now got a new nickname. You can now call me Gollum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 083

You deserved it 3 548

By TOOshort - 23/04/2019 16:00

Today, several of my apartment complex neighbors walked right by me as I struggled to clean the inches thick, icy snow off of my SUV. I’m 4’11. Not one person offered to assist me, even after I slipped and fell several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 512

You deserved it 2 177

Stunlocked

By RoyBoy - 26/07/2021 18:01

Today, a stranger asked to borrow my phone since his had died. As he was using it, he kept walking away and I had to chase him because he was walking too far. He turned around, yelled, "Stop following me, asshole!" and punched me, knocking me out cold. When I came to, I realized the fucker stole my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 508

By Livewire - 01/01/2012 01:22 - United States

Today, it's New Year's Eve. My husband and I weren't invited to any parties, and we don't have a sitter to be able to go out by ourselves. Instead, I'm watching "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2" on the Disney channel with our 5-year-old, and my husband has passed out on the couch from sheer boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 871

You deserved it 7 512

By habassistant - 02/01/2013 15:49 - United States - North Olmsted

Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 936

You deserved it 5 228

By ILTali - 03/03/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 121 664

You deserved it 8 159

By pokeloser - 24/06/2019 07:04

Today, my high point was still being able to recite all 151 generation one Pokémon in order, from memory. I need a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 303

You deserved it 578

By MLGreco - 14/10/2011 16:11 - United States

Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 371

You deserved it 5 753

By Anonymous - 12/01/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, at the job I've had for eight years, I finally got the raise I was supposed to get a year ago. One hour later I found out the store was closing and we were all out of a job in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 409

You deserved it 2 230

By Dumbdumb - 15/02/2010 14:29 - United States

Today, at work a really hot guy came up to me and asked "what are your hours?" Excited, I told him I get off at 4 but might be able to get out sooner. He started laughing and then said "I meant your store hours". He turned around and walked away, shaking his head and laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 674

You deserved it 33 118

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Mynamewontfi 40

Send a private message

Sunday 16 November 2014 20:49

Be glad your father's pull out game was also weak.

tigerisabelle 31

Send a private message

Sunday 16 November 2014 21:22

Honestly, that's hilarious. I'm sure your dad is happy for you, and, congratulations!

Pleonasm 35

Send a private message

Sunday 16 November 2014 20:14

Either that or his sperm is jizz extremely potent.

silvercamaro 22

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 0:21

Or the condom had a whole in it.

devildog562 33

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 0:33

I like whole Condoms . Now the crazy mom with a needle poking holes in them and putting a Jesus loves you card next to them is a different story. +1 friend I know what you meant. Pleo same thing. What the hell I laughed at your comment. Super sperm, the new super hero, or villain.

silvercamaro 22

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 0:53

**hole

Googolman 29

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 17:40

Or maybe they actually intended to have a child?

Mynamewontfi 40

Send a private message

Sunday 16 November 2014 20:49

Be glad your father's pull out game was also weak.

JMichael 25

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 2:23

I'd ask him what happened when he helped conceive you.

lemex243 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 18 November 2014 15:18

It might just be he was kidding

ZoroMiHawk 25

Send a private message

Sunday 16 November 2014 21:19

And then he slapped him on the back and with a cheery smile he congratulated the both of you, right?

lord_meloetta 20

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 3:50

Yeah it would be messed up if he didn't, don't ya think moss head?

tigerisabelle 31

Send a private message

Sunday 16 November 2014 21:22

Honestly, that's hilarious. I'm sure your dad is happy for you, and, congratulations!

J3R3MYY 14

Send a private message

Sunday 16 November 2014 21:24

Like father like son.

J3R3MYY 14

Send a private message

Sunday 16 November 2014 21:28

Well I read that wrong, in come the negs!

kerstileann 26

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 15:33

i sure hope thats not his son 0.0 hahahaha

PennyLane27 32

Send a private message

Sunday 16 November 2014 22:02

Dad: "I'm the pullout king"! (Portlandia)

devildog562 33

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 0:22

Any dad could not be a pullout King. It means you've failed your objective at least once.

glabberfasted 16

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 2:02

14 - It's from a show...

devildog562 33

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 2:08

I didn't know that with the parenthesis around it. My comment, however ,was a joke.

PennyLane27 32

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 7:03

Aww I'm sad this got downvoted so much! I just watched the episode of Portlandia with the Pullout King skit last night. So the quote was fresh in my mind. It has Jeff Goldblum in it. Season 4, episode 4. If you haven't watched it, do it! :) Devildog's point is quite valid :)

nevm 12

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 0:08

Or he just wanted to have a baby?

Seabiscuit218 12

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 0:09

Hmph Too many rude people in this world I think

ohmandapants 16

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 4:48

Too many people with no sense of humor...I personally would have laughed. It was a joke! He's probably happy for them.

ifoundwaldo123 12

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 0:10

I'm sure he's happy for you, it's actually pretty funny OP

devildog562 33

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 0:13

Pull out method and Depo don't work. Trust me I'm a father. I watched her shot and my shot.

devildog562 33

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 0:32

Sorry meant to put (sarcasm) they do work together but nothing is 100%.

ahippienamedrae 10

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 4:02

Regardless of that typo, your comment makes no sense at all.

devildog562 33

Send a private message

Monday 17 November 2014 4:36

How doesn't it make sense; deprovera and pull out method do not work, my daughter was a product from these methods. I watch the injection go ink her and my ejaculation out of her. Better context ?