Animals: Today, I learned that if you give a squirrel a cookie, he'll...

By MegasaurusRex89 - United States - Daly City

Today, I learned that if you give a squirrel a cookie, he'll climb up your pants in search of more cookies. FML

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MegasaurusRex89 tells us more :

I did run, but I stopped when I saw another squirrel looking at me and that's when the first one caught up. Greedy and determined little bastards I tell ya! (I'm OP, by the way... And a girl.)

Animals

Understandable

Small town blues

Bustin' my ass

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to explain to my little sister that not all guitars are supposed to have a hole in them, that when I was talking about "breaking it in" I didn't mean I'd smash a hole in it, and that she shouldn't have taken a hammer to my expensive new guitar. FML

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By Fiancé problemsss - United States - Billings

Today, despite all of the pictures and proof of my fiancé, my parents still think I have an imaginary boyfriend. They met him, and were there when he proposed. They think it's all a joke. FML

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58659

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4340

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By Forever Alone

Today, I was talking to my mum about how I'd quite like to have kids someday. She responded: "Well, nowadays they let singles adopt as well, don't they?" FML

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14438

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By Anonymous - United States - Elkhart

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I had an IUD put in two years ago that's supposed to prevent pregnancy. To put it in perspective, less than 1% of people using this IUD get pregnant. Lucky me. FML

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30778

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By Kammy - United States

Today, my boyfriend and his family had invited me to go on a Tropical family trip with them. When we got to the airport, security stopped me and opened my carry-on bag. I'd forgotten about the no-liquids rule. They took out a bottle of Massage Oil, Lube, Vagasil and Nair. His whole family saw. FML

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27758

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70223

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By Hellish - United States - Gurnee

Today, I started a new job that was highly recommended by a worker there. The same coworker that is now making my life a living hell. FML

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9638

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806

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By Anna - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on abstinence to a bunch of teenage boys, and surprisingly they were paying attention. After they left, I went to the bathroom and saw I had missed a few buttons on my blouse. The boys had a close up view of my cleavage for 3 hours. FML

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24497

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By Anonymous - United States - Naperville

Today, my towel was stolen at the swimming pool. I quickly found the culprit, and to avoid a conflict, I just swiped it back when he wasn't looking. I felt pretty good about everything, until I got back home and realized it wasn't actually my towel after all. FML

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28103

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By squirrel - United States

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

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12848

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hemel Hempstead

Today, I was talking to my future mother-in-law about my upcoming wedding. She told me that I wasn't allowed to have the wedding at a church, nor wear a white dress, nor have roses for flowers, because that would mean I'd be "copying" her. FML

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32591

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1847

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By GiveADogABone - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying to get it on on the bed. As soon as things were starting to get heated, I turned over and saw that my dog had not only jumped up on the bed, but had been watching and started to hump the pillow next to our heads. FML

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27879

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By Kaji - France

Today, I sent a text message to my girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to make love to her tonight. I've just realized I sent it to her brother. FML

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44442

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By he's not the one going to hell - Australia

Today, some assface hacked my recently deceased friend's Facebook account. The person changed my friend's location to "Hell", then posted a status saying how hot the weather was, and replied "I wish :'(" to someone who'd said my friend was in a better place now. FML

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48790

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3387

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By embarrassed - Canada

Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML

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10592

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By OldHabitsDieHard - United States - Erie

Today, I was getting my cat some canned food. Out of habit I licked the spoon after I had emptied the can only to realize too late what I had done. FML

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42652

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By Cinnamon - Jamaica

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she thought I was cheating on her. With my own sister. FML

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50008

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4345

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By Anonymous - United States - Twin Falls

Today, I went to the park to read “The Book Thief”. I fell asleep and when I woke up, my book was gone. FML

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4257

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962

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By itchyyet - Australia - Hawker

Today, a friend who visited me a week ago with "allergy rashes" told me that it's actually scabies, and she hopes I didn't catch it from her. It takes 2-6 weeks for the symptoms to show and I can't use the medication for it anyway because I'm pregnant. FML

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23662

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1491

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2020 08:09

Saturday night fever

Today, I was arrested on my 25th birthday and thrown in jail overnight for impersonating myself. FML

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1560

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152

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By amayasoma - United States - Houma

Today, I went to my car to get a few things, when I discovered it had been broken into. Nothing of value was taken. My window was busted in just for a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and my car ash tray. FML

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44535

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received my best compliment of the year so far when an ER doctor commented positively on the clarity of my urine sample. FML

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22662

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2354

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By bloody good time

Nosebleed

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and he slid his hand up near my face too fast and ended up clocking me in the nose. It is the first time that I have ever had nosebleed while orgasming. FML

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2006

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221

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By Notsurewhattofeelaboutthis - Australia - Ashfield

Today, I discovered that my ex-girlfriend writes erotic fiction describing all of my moves in intimate detail. The whole internet gets to critique my entire sexual repertoire. FML

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28829

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my 11-year-old son and I took an IQ test for a laugh. To be honest, I've often suspected that I may have some form of mental retardation, but I didn't expect to get a score of 79, while he got one of 114. FML

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46470

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By horriblefashionsense - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

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47487

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By nycol - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old boyfriend why it is not okay to pee in the pool. FML

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26892

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my "I don't believe in pre-marital sex" boyfriend is the father of my younger sister's newborn baby. After four years of being in a serious, but sexless, relationship, I am now single, horny, and an aunt. FML

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59732

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my dad smoking the weed he grounded me for having. FML

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4681

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1025

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By sandra - United States

Today, I was working with some shelter puppies transporting them to the vet's. I got all of the puppies in but one, and when I went to pull him out, I realized he had gotten car sick. Before I could stop it happening, he wagged his vomit-covered tail and hit me in the face. FML

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26633

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 03:30

Superanty Man

Today, I met my father-in-law for the first time. He went on a big rant how men are superior intellects and women contribute nothing to society. Ironic, as it took me, a woman, 30 seconds to notice it's biologically impossible for him to be my husband's father. After 33 years, both he and my husband haven't figured it out. FML

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1597

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195

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By fmrunning - United States

Today, I completed my 6 month training program for a track competition this weekend. I went to the park to run anyways because I needed some air after my boyfriend broke up with me. After one lap, my neighbor's 130 lb dog ran across the soccer field and jumped on me to say hi. My leg is broken. FML

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92414

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By Anonymous - United States

Paranoid much?

Today, I got pushed around by several suspicious mothers in a playground. I just wanted to sit down and rest my feet while I waited for my wife to finish her shopping across the street. FML

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1533

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157

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By okaydisarray - United States - Dayton

Today, I received a letter from an eBay seller for whom I recently left an honest, negative review. I don't know what I was expecting, but I certainly wasn't ready for what spilled out coating my jeans, shoes, and brand new carpet: Glitter. FML

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19506

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3145

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By Munkeh - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Faithful

Today, I found out that my partner thinks love is more meaningful than sex, so it's okay to stick his penis in someone else. FML

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40381

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4031

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a "get well soon" card in the mail, which I found just a little odd, since I was feeling completely fine. Not an hour later, I tripped and fell down a flight of stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30205

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2449

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By Lesbian

Today, my coworker, who I hardly ever speak to, gave me a birthday present. It was an 8,000-word extremely graphic story of how he convinced a lesbian to have anal sex with him in the work bathroom. She had my name and characteristics. I'm the only lesbian he knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10913

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690

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By shoggoth_wild - United States - Jackson

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about times we'd made our mothers cry. She said she'd only made her mother cry once. When I asked when, she said, "When I told her I was thinking about dating you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35860

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3492

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By Failed_Dad - United States - Davis

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24569

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2705

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I showed up at my boyfriend's work to surprise him by speaking in Spanish, his first language. I've been taking classes secretly. He smiled, kissed me, and then finished telling his friend, in Spanish, that I'm boring and ugly but he's got nothing better going on. FML

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By - United States - Bedford Hills

Today, my co-workers and I have to fight for our jobs because of a mistake our managers made. They get to keep their jobs. FML

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Top comments

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6092616 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:54

Or nuts.

By gracehi | 31

#6092624 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:57

Haven't you ever read the book "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie?" I'm pretty sure the principal applies to squirrels too.

COMMENTS

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6092616 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:54

Or nuts.

Aquaman911 | 18

#6092625 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:58

#1 Op is a female

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6092628 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:00

A squirrel can hope.

randomgirl1234 | 20

#6092666 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:41

#4 how do you know?

shingleman | 8

#6092674 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:45

He's a squirrel.

ChristianH39 | 30

#6092703 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:19

17, gender icon in the top left.

By larrena2377 | 26

#6092621 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:56

A guy on campus at my school got chased by a squirrel because he wouldn't give it anymore food..quite entertaining

AriettaX | 15

#6092751 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:47

Squirrels are pretty nuts! hahaha.. nuts..

By gracehi | 31

#6092624 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:57

Haven't you ever read the book "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie?" I'm pretty sure the principal applies to squirrels too.

AriettaX | 15

#6092754 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:48

I would love to see South Park cover an episode regarding those books... like some epic journey because cartman (the pig) was given a pancake

EchoSerenity | 15

#6092797 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:37

@ #8, If you give a hoe a dick..

BasedComment | 15

#6092995 - Sunday 19 October 2014 1:27

Ayy I thought the same thing

Bloink | 25

#6093165 - Sunday 19 October 2014 7:20

for those who never read that book, the wording of the fml matches the wording of the story

By sayyestothedress | 24

#6092634 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:03

That's why I don't give food to animals

diving_fml | 30

#6092640 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:12

As part of the Homo Sapiens in the animal kingdom, if you don't feed animals you don't feed yourself. If this is true what is your secret to survival?

ChristianH39 | 30

#6092665 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:39

You way over thought that comment. He's not saying nobody should feed animals, there's a difference between raising livestock for food and giving a squirrel a cookie.

gracehi | 31

#6092739 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:25

I don't think #9 was talking about feeding livestock. I think he meant that #6 must not eat because he is an animal... which, amazingly, is even more stupid.

Although I think it was a poor attempt at being funny.

sayyestothedress | 24

#6092787 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:26

#34 I'm a girl!

gracehi | 31

#6092790 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:28

My bad. Should have known with a name like that.

sayyestothedress | 24

#6092922 - Saturday 18 October 2014 23:53

No prob a lot of people get confused since they don't really read the name until it is pointed out or if the gender is pointed out

cwrocker | 14

#6093048 - Sunday 19 October 2014 3:02

I gave a mouse a cookie once. It went very well;)

By FaultInMyStars | 11

#6092638 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:07

Should've thrown it and ran.

jellybeens_fml | 16

#6092725 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:52

Did you even read the FML? What's he supposed to throw? His ballsack?

MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6092884 - Saturday 18 October 2014 21:55

I did run, but I stopped when I saw another squirrel looking at me and that's when the first one caught up. Greedy and determined little bastards I tell ya! (I'm OP, by the way... And a girl.)