Animals: Today, I learned that if you give a squirrel a cookie, he'll...

By MegasaurusRex89 - United States - Daly City

Today, I learned that if you give a squirrel a cookie, he'll climb up your pants in search of more cookies. FML

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34124

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MegasaurusRex89 tells us more :

I did run, but I stopped when I saw another squirrel looking at me and that's when the first one caught up. Greedy and determined little bastards I tell ya! (I'm OP, by the way... And a girl.)

Animals

Leave us alone

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 02:01

Alcoholics of the world, get help

Today, I know my life is awesome when my partner and I have to plan watching movies and having sex around his drinking schedule. FML

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792

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189

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By JacktheRussian - United States

Today, I saw a very attractive young woman struggling with some boxes. The seduction attempt resulted in me carrying 60lbs of items for 30mins. When we got to her apartment, she thanked me and introduced me to her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22927

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By Anonymous - United States - Savage

Today, I finally got to conduct my first questioning of a suspect, who had been arrested in connection with a car theft. As I recited the Miranda warning to him, my mind went totally blank, and after a few seconds, he sarcastically continued the speech for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35362

You deserved it

16209

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By Beth - Australia - Perth

Today, my fiancé's mother tried to arrange a marriage for him to a nice Indian girl, again. We've been engaged for a year, and the wedding is in a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32243

You deserved it

2341

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By Mortified - United States

Today, I attended my girlfriend's mother's wake. When I walked up the three-step platform the casket was on, I tripped, fell over the edge of the casket, and head-butted her mother's corpse. The adhesive holding one of her eyes came undone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10430

You deserved it

910

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By Ibrowtheedge

Today, I shaved off half of my right eyebrow by accident. It still looks better than my left eyebrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2324

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448

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By bob - Canada

Today, I got into a pretty heated argument with my boss. On my way out the door I told him he would be lucky if I came back to work. Unfortunately, I left the interior light on in my truck and it drained the battery. I had to go back in and ask for a jump. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12772

You deserved it

36109

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By trgtyo - United States

Today, I noticed my parents replaced my senior picture that hung on our livingroom wall with a painted one. Of our German Sheperd. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47643

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3594

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By poopydaddy - Canada - Oakville

Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53767

You deserved it

5641

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By Monster-in-law - United States - Sherwood

Today, I got a call from my brother-in-law's doctor. Apparently he's made threats and fantasizes about killing me. "Notifying you is the protocol for things like this" he said, and ended the conversation with, "have a nice day." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4845

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246

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By that was mine - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35773

You deserved it

2316

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By Downanout

Today, I found out I did so horrible during my interview that I didn’t even get a rejection email. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1592

You deserved it

237

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By Anonymous - Australia - Greensborough

Today, I was sitting on a bench outside a supermarket waiting to be picked up, when a old lady walked out of the shop. She hadn't noticed me and sat on the bench beside me. She looked around and saw me, rolled her eyes, got up and moved to a different bench. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39533

You deserved it

3823

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18682

You deserved it

34707

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go pick up my kid, because he threw up while playing at his friend's house. The boy's mother bitched me out for not keeping my son at home while he was "ill". Her breath was unspeakably foul. So foul that it caused me to throw up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54595

You deserved it

4005

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By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno

Today, I hung out with some old friends for the first time since losing about 50 pounds, going from clinically obese to a healthy weight. I even bought a cute new dress for the occasion to show off my new body. No one noticed the change. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21692

You deserved it

2392

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By Veronica Rambo

Today, it was my first day going to work with new hours where I'm in the office alone for an hour. I managed to lock myself out without my jacket, my phone, and my keys. It was raining. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2361

You deserved it

687

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By ohsosad - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy who is doing community service because he was caught peeping through windows. I was tempted to say yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14072

You deserved it

26571

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, after assuring my best friend that his girlfriend would never cheat on him, I came home to my brother having loud sex with my best friend's girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28559

You deserved it

2604

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By NextAmericanIdol? - United States - Bowie

Today, I had to put my little sister to bed. Usually my mom sings her a lullaby before she puts her to sleep, so I did too. After I finished the song, my sister looked me dead in the eyes and said, "This is why I tell people we aren't related." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50656

You deserved it

5568

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By FMBs - Puerto Rico - Guaynabo

Don't listen to Cosmo

Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51603

You deserved it

7177

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2021 05:01 - Norway

Use your socks

Today, I accidentally dropped a whole roll of toilet paper into the toilet. It was my last roll. FML

I agree, your life sucks

856

You deserved it

195

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By Anonymous - United States - Baraboo

Today, my loving fiancé informed me that my new perfume makes me smell like a urinal cake. FML

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31516

You deserved it

5511

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with four departments at my college due to a mistake on my tuition bill. The last guy I talked to told me to call the financial aid office and hung up before I could respond. That was the first office I called. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2611

You deserved it

146

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By Anonymous - United States - El Cajon

Today, my psycho landlord threatened to take me to court if I don't pay my rent on time this month. I'd totally understand if he weren't my father-in-law, and if the reason I didn't pay on time before was because of hospital fees I'd incurred for an emergency appendectomy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24518

You deserved it

2550

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By Mia - United States - Astoria

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when we heard a screech. My two cats were having it harder than us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51206

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7220

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By 751920 - Canada

Today, I found out my girlfriend's password for okcupid is "i_love_mike". My name is not Mike. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34021

You deserved it

3307

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By Missy - United States

Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42841

You deserved it

4599

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By for the whored - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I was listening to music on my phone and reading posts on here. I laughed hysterically at one, then noticed my parents shooting me outraged looks. Turned out I laughed while a news reporter was talking about a brutal rape that just happened in our city. FML

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24032

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3203

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By Bece420 - United States - Zanesville

Today, I decided to try a 7-minute exercise video to start working out and get in shape. I couldn’t make it though the video. FML

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1807

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447

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By Anonymous

Today, I think I found out just how many times I've ordered through UberEats when my delivery guy told me that, "We should stop seeing each other like this!" with a chuckle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1440

You deserved it

474

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By Dammit... - United States

Today, my mom told my dad to get me extra absorbent pads, very loudly, in a crowded mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29183

You deserved it

3662

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By spinspinsugar - 24/2/2021 14:01 - United States - Camillus

Bodyshaming ain't cool

Today, I was video chatting with my dad. He handed the phone to his wife, whose first words out of her mouth were, "Why are you getting so skinny?" This was also the same woman whose first words out of her mouth when they came to visit us 3 years ago was how much weight I've gained. FML

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813

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By Amazon Ruined My Life

Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML

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1209

You deserved it

3312

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

#1 Dad!

Today, I told my fiancé he needed to spend at least one night a week at home with his daughter or we will pack up and leave. He responded by getting a suitcase. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1787

You deserved it

317

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By UnemployedGrad - United States

Today, I was offered a position as a school crossing guard. I have a $200,000 degree in Economics from a top 20 University and was offered a position to hold a stop sign and wear a reflective vest. I was tempted to accept. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41056

You deserved it

7030

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By Sola

Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML

I agree, your life sucks

50067

You deserved it

5039

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By NYCguy - United States

Today, my female room-mate decided to throw away my xbox, along with a few other possessions because they reminded her of her ex. Furiously, I asked her if "it was that time of the month again." Now I can't feel my balls, and miss my games. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43588

You deserved it

15720

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2020 05:01

Classic story

Today, I found out my boyfriend of six years, with whom I wanted to spend my life with, has been cheating behind my back with my friend. The kicker? They met after I invited her to live with us to get away from her chaotic family, and I suspected she was emotionally stunted at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1180

You deserved it

176

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 11:02 - Canada - Courtenay

Supply and demand

Today, I spotted my dad watching a wildlife/nature video. I pointed out to him that the animal on the screen was critically endangered; he rebutted by telling me that it's impossible for the animal on the screen to go extinct because people keep hunting it. FML

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Top comments

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6092616 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:54

Or nuts.

By gracehi | 31

#6092624 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:57

Haven't you ever read the book "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie?" I'm pretty sure the principal applies to squirrels too.

COMMENTS

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6092616 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:54

Or nuts.

Aquaman911 | 18

#6092625 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:58

#1 Op is a female

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6092628 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:00

A squirrel can hope.

randomgirl1234 | 20

#6092666 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:41

#4 how do you know?

shingleman | 8

#6092674 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:45

He's a squirrel.

ChristianH39 | 30

#6092703 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:19

17, gender icon in the top left.

By larrena2377 | 26

#6092621 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:56

A guy on campus at my school got chased by a squirrel because he wouldn't give it anymore food..quite entertaining

AriettaX | 15

#6092751 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:47

Squirrels are pretty nuts! hahaha.. nuts..

By gracehi | 31

#6092624 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:57

Haven't you ever read the book "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie?" I'm pretty sure the principal applies to squirrels too.

AriettaX | 15

#6092754 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:48

I would love to see South Park cover an episode regarding those books... like some epic journey because cartman (the pig) was given a pancake

EchoSerenity | 15

#6092797 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:37

@ #8, If you give a hoe a dick..

BasedComment | 15

#6092995 - Sunday 19 October 2014 1:27

Ayy I thought the same thing

Bloink | 25

#6093165 - Sunday 19 October 2014 7:20

for those who never read that book, the wording of the fml matches the wording of the story

By sayyestothedress | 24

#6092634 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:03

That's why I don't give food to animals

diving_fml | 30

#6092640 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:12

As part of the Homo Sapiens in the animal kingdom, if you don't feed animals you don't feed yourself. If this is true what is your secret to survival?

ChristianH39 | 30

#6092665 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:39

You way over thought that comment. He's not saying nobody should feed animals, there's a difference between raising livestock for food and giving a squirrel a cookie.

gracehi | 31

#6092739 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:25

I don't think #9 was talking about feeding livestock. I think he meant that #6 must not eat because he is an animal... which, amazingly, is even more stupid.

Although I think it was a poor attempt at being funny.

sayyestothedress | 24

#6092787 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:26

#34 I'm a girl!

gracehi | 31

#6092790 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:28

My bad. Should have known with a name like that.

sayyestothedress | 24

#6092922 - Saturday 18 October 2014 23:53

No prob a lot of people get confused since they don't really read the name until it is pointed out or if the gender is pointed out

cwrocker | 14

#6093048 - Sunday 19 October 2014 3:02

I gave a mouse a cookie once. It went very well;)

By FaultInMyStars | 11

#6092638 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:07

Should've thrown it and ran.

jellybeens_fml | 16

#6092725 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:52

Did you even read the FML? What's he supposed to throw? His ballsack?

MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6092884 - Saturday 18 October 2014 21:55

I did run, but I stopped when I saw another squirrel looking at me and that's when the first one caught up. Greedy and determined little bastards I tell ya! (I'm OP, by the way... And a girl.)