Today, I learned that if you give a squirrel a cookie, he'll...

By MegasaurusRex89 - 18/10/2014 00:04 - United States - Daly City

Today, I learned that if you give a squirrel a cookie, he'll climb up your pants in search of more cookies. FML

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MegasaurusRex89 tells us more :

I did run, but I stopped when I saw another squirrel looking at me and that's when the first one caught up. Greedy and determined little bastards I tell ya! (I'm OP, by the way... And a girl.)

Animals

Season finale

Inspirational tale

PSA

By Guess I was wrong - 16/3/2020 06:23

Mistaken identity

Today, I came home to find a man standing in my living room. Since my mom texted me that her new boyfriend would be coming over, I just assumed it was him. I introduced myself, made us some coffee and I went to my room to study. When I went downstairs after a while, the TV was missing. FML

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By SkipBeatOtaku - 29/8/2020 23:02

Harsh

Today, my estranged father died. No one bothered to tell me, and the only reason I found out was because his wife texted my sister. When I asked about the service, I was told I was no welcome in the state he had lived in, because I was no longer family. FML

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By DC - 11/10/2016 13:41 - United States - Sioux City

Today, I narrowly avoided a head-on collision in the parking garage. The other driver cussed me out. It's a one-way route through the parking garage, and I was going the right way. FML

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By Shut up loser! - 2/12/2019 03:00

Not her fault neither mine

Today, my 4 year old daughter got royally annoyed at my uncle who won't stop surprise tickling her by poking her waist. When he went for another, she punched him square on the nose, making him a laughing stock. Not accepting that he got owned, he started preaching about child discipline to me. FML

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By O.o - 20/2/2011 08:15 - Australia

Today, while trying on bras in the changing room, I wanted to see what my friend's bra looked like on her. Not wishing to leave my changing room in my underwear, I wriggled under her door. When I got through, my bra had come nearly all the way down and when I tried getting back, I got stuck. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2014 17:04 - United States - Louisville

Today, I woke up to a mouse sitting on my pillow and chewing on my hair. FML

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By SoDamnBroke - 28/9/2016 13:13 - South Africa

Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML

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By LLCoolBean - 3/3/2011 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was inside a cell phone store talking to a sales guy while I waited outside. I sent him a text, not realizing that the guy was using his phone to call customer service. A topless photo of me shows up on his phone when I text him. The sales guy looked. Twice. FML

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By partycats - 23/7/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By Not a programmer yet - 1/9/2015 15:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss told me that the company will be hiring a programmer for our department. I had the idea for the position when we went over my 3-year career path last month, but it wasn't approved. I now get to look over résumés from other people applying for my dream job. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2013 23:29 - Switzerland

Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML

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By yerbuagalapagos wonder - 6/2/2009 21:50 - Ecuador

Today, I really had to use the airplane lavatory. After I'd finished, the flight attendants continuously sprayed air freshener for two minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 02:00

Stealth dog

Today, while I was sitting in a waiting room to be seen, my service dog (who was tucked under the bench I was sitting) let out the most vile, silent but deadly fart. The person near me retched and heaved, and I got death glares while someone sprayed their old lady perfume to mask the smell. FML

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By mynoseburns - 22/2/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I sneezed while I was throwing up into the toilet. It turns out that throwing up is even less pleasant when the puke violently shoots out through your nose. FML

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By tramp - 10/11/2013 05:51 - United States

Today, I met my brother's girlfriend. We got talking, and we got onto the subject of tattoos. I said how much I hated tramp stamps, and how they make girls look trashy. She said, "Like this?" and showed me hers. FML

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By bojangles - 28/2/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I don't like his facial hair and that he should shave it off. He replied, "You first." FML

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By AntiAxe - 29/11/2010 06:23

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

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By so sad no dad - 15/8/2019 06:00

Today, while out with my girlfriends, my overbearing boyfriend called and texted my phone over and over. Later, I told him to calm down and stop acting like my dad. He snapped back, "How am I acting like your dad when you don’t have one?" He knows my dad died when I was 10. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 22:47 - United States

Today, my parents decided that since summer is almost here, it's a great opportunity to start having nude barbecues. I found this out after walking out into the backyard, hoping to sun myself a little, only to see the living nightmare that is my parents' naked bodies. FML

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By megangubler - 26/5/2014 22:34 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML

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By mr. machine - 31/8/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, my 19-year-old daughter got a haircut. When I asked her if she tipped the hairdresser, she looked at me in horror and asked, "You’re supposed to tip hairdressers?" FML

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By anditburnsburnsburns - 27/8/2013 18:13 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I was in a rush, so I was removing my nail polish while using the toilet. Everything was going fine, until I used the toilet paper in my hand to wipe. It was covered in nail polish remover. It still burns. FML

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By maruskasommers - 9/1/2012 09:39 - Czech Republic

Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML

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By MALICEG - 26/5/2012 07:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, there was a knock on my apartment door. It was the man from next-door, who sarcastically asked if I was alright, because he said he heard me screaming in agony. I was singing. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2016 06:40 - United States - Huntsville

Today, after a week of my new neighbor constantly yelling in his native language, I finally complained about the noise. Turns out that's just his normal talking voice. Goodbye sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 18:25 - United States

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend, some of my friends decided to take me to a comedy club for a girls night. My friend's jealous husband decided he had to come along, then decided to invite my other friends' boyfriends. I ended up being the seventh wheel on a night meant to cheer me up. FML

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By justin - 13/12/2013 03:08 - United States - Waco

Today, my boss found out that my girlfriend dumped me. He asked if that meant she would no longer bring her delicious homemade cookies to the office. When I said yes, he fired me on the spot. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2015 09:44 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my maths class and I had to sit through a slideshow of photos of our teacher's cat. The cat's name is Mr Cat. FML

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By Failure - 22/5/2015 22:14 - Germany - Oschersleben

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 22:24 - Canada - Sackville

Today, my crazy drug-addict mother kicked me out of the house after siding with my crazy, drug-addict aunt, who'd just threatened to slit my throat. FML

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By jackskellington - 11/2/2015 04:34 - Australia - Bankstown

Today, I found out my dad ate my rabbit when I was 6 years old. He'd told me it ran away. I can't be mad at my dad; he's been dead for 5 years. FML

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By katelouise2102 - 29/11/2010 12:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to make up a boyfriend to stop my lesbian roommate coming onto me. FML

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By patty - 13/1/2009 02:47 - France

Today, I saw a friend in the street but he didn't see me, so as a joke I decided to ring him. He took his mobile out of his pocket, sighed and didn't pick up. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2013 08:25 - United States

Today, is my little sister's 16th birthday. I spent my last $20 on a gift for her, cleaned the house for her party, made an ice cream cake, and got her a rose. What did I get? "I hope you kept the receipt for this. Oh, and stay in your room during my party." FML

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By I love L - 8/8/2015 22:56 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I woke up panting and drenched in sweat from a horrible nightmare. I'd been dreaming that bright, colored shapes were falling from the sky and I couldn't make them all neatly align with one another on the ground. I guess I should stop playing so much Tetris before bed. FML

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By wtf fml - 20/3/2018 17:30 - United States - Hesperia

Aaand blocked.

Today, I was mourning the recent loss of a close family member. My ex's idea of comforting me was to ask if he could come over so I could “give him some bomb ass head” to take my mind off things. FML

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By trippiex - 30/11/2019 20:00

Today, I was driving by the carnival and I really had to use the bathroom. I saw a porta-potty next to a house, so I parked in their front yard to use the bathroom very quickly. I came out to see a group of teenage boys urinating on my car. FML

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By whathef???? - 13/2/2010 06:51 - Canada

Today, my husband and I were role playing to keep our marriage alive. His character was a deranged stalker while I was the helpless girl. My neighbor thought I was really being chased so she called the cops. Once they came we explained the whole story and got a fine for disturbing the peace. FML

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By serialkillingex - 7/5/2013 07:45 - Netherlands

Today, my ex won a writing competition. His story was inspired by our relationship. In it, I'm a serial killing prostitute. FML

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Top comments

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6092616 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:54

Or nuts.

By gracehi | 31

#6092624 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:57

Haven't you ever read the book "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie?" I'm pretty sure the principal applies to squirrels too.

COMMENTS

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6092616 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:54

Or nuts.

Aquaman911 | 18

#6092625 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:58

#1 Op is a female

ComoEsJuan | 24

#6092628 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:00

A squirrel can hope.

randomgirl1234 | 20

#6092666 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:41

#4 how do you know?

shingleman | 8

#6092674 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:45

He's a squirrel.

ChristianH39 | 30

#6092703 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:19

17, gender icon in the top left.

By larrena2377 | 26

#6092621 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:56

A guy on campus at my school got chased by a squirrel because he wouldn't give it anymore food..quite entertaining

AriettaX | 15

#6092751 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:47

Squirrels are pretty nuts! hahaha.. nuts..

By gracehi | 31

#6092624 - Saturday 18 October 2014 15:57

Haven't you ever read the book "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie?" I'm pretty sure the principal applies to squirrels too.

AriettaX | 15

#6092754 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:48

I would love to see South Park cover an episode regarding those books... like some epic journey because cartman (the pig) was given a pancake

EchoSerenity | 15

#6092797 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:37

@ #8, If you give a hoe a dick..

BasedComment | 15

#6092995 - Sunday 19 October 2014 1:27

Ayy I thought the same thing

Bloink | 25

#6093165 - Sunday 19 October 2014 7:20

for those who never read that book, the wording of the fml matches the wording of the story

By sayyestothedress | 24

#6092634 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:03

That's why I don't give food to animals

diving_fml | 30

#6092640 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:12

As part of the Homo Sapiens in the animal kingdom, if you don't feed animals you don't feed yourself. If this is true what is your secret to survival?

ChristianH39 | 30

#6092665 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:39

You way over thought that comment. He's not saying nobody should feed animals, there's a difference between raising livestock for food and giving a squirrel a cookie.

gracehi | 31

#6092739 - Saturday 18 October 2014 18:25

I don't think #9 was talking about feeding livestock. I think he meant that #6 must not eat because he is an animal... which, amazingly, is even more stupid.

Although I think it was a poor attempt at being funny.

sayyestothedress | 24

#6092787 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:26

#34 I'm a girl!

gracehi | 31

#6092790 - Saturday 18 October 2014 19:28

My bad. Should have known with a name like that.

sayyestothedress | 24

#6092922 - Saturday 18 October 2014 23:53

No prob a lot of people get confused since they don't really read the name until it is pointed out or if the gender is pointed out

cwrocker | 14

#6093048 - Sunday 19 October 2014 3:02

I gave a mouse a cookie once. It went very well;)

By FaultInMyStars | 11

#6092638 - Saturday 18 October 2014 16:07

Should've thrown it and ran.

jellybeens_fml | 16

#6092725 - Saturday 18 October 2014 17:52

Did you even read the FML? What's he supposed to throw? His ballsack?

MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6092884 - Saturday 18 October 2014 21:55

I did run, but I stopped when I saw another squirrel looking at me and that's when the first one caught up. Greedy and determined little bastards I tell ya! (I'm OP, by the way... And a girl.)