Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently duplicated my keys before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering, “He looks like Jesus.” FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I woke up to my psycho roommate trying to baptize me in my sleep. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML
Today, I woke up at my crazy ex-girlfriend's house, naked and disoriented. You know, the kind of crazy like we-didn't-break-up-it-was-just-a-fight now-we-can-get-married crazy. She says everything's fine now and she's so glad we've "started our family." FML
Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, I was woken up by my drunk girlfriend calling me and saying how much she loves me. She then stopped to tell the guy she was in bed with to be quiet because I might hear him. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML
Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but it wasn’t actually her. What happened last night? FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
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Top comments
Rebecca1993 0
._. boy do you know how to pick them.
xCrackerx 3
She sounds like a keeper. Always by your side, just like a dog. That's loyalty.
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Comments (156)
Firetiger 0
Thats pshyco shit. #53, what object that could be used for stabbing a person would be "appropriate"?
kaleid0scopeEyes 0
Anything, if they sneak into your house and lay on top of you while you're sleeping...but I guess that's normal for you. How many ex's have restraining orders on you again?
sdroze1389 31
pen, pencil, letter opener, oh so many things that aren't dick.
Darrian 2
So did you **** her or what?
xllamax 0
that's what i call good Christmas spirit.
jessiixcore 0
LMFAO.
Oven_fml 0
that's freaky.
baba_ganoush 0
Crazy ex-girlfriends seem to be 'in' this season.
ShEnAnIgAnSRFUN 0
Mr. Lebowski- call me the dude
Immune2ice 0
BUT does she make good sandwiches?
kimilei 0
That is EXACTLY what I was wondering!
Broly_fml 0
Like:D
plainferkeeps 0
whoa.
phantombrother 4
Remember the song "I Will Survive" as sung by CAKE? "I should've changed my ******* lock/I would have made you leave your key/If I'd have thought for just one second/You'd be back to bother me." YDI if you know your crazy ex has a key and you did nothing about it!
littlelemur 2
As sung by Cake, huh? Lol why would you credit the cover band instead of the originator? Anyway, I had an ex-boyfriend who went crazy like that after I dumped him. He showed up at my workplace and tried to sell me back hair of mine that he'd collected. Good thing I moved and he never found out my new address.
wh4t3v3R 0
Because Cake sung it the best of course.
sdroze1389 31
cake is ******* sick, and they crushed that cover.