Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently duplicated my keys before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering, “He looks like Jesus.” FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I woke up to my psycho roommate trying to baptize me in my sleep. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML
Today, I woke up at my crazy ex-girlfriend's house, naked and disoriented. You know, the kind of crazy like we-didn't-break-up-it-was-just-a-fight now-we-can-get-married crazy. She says everything's fine now and she's so glad we've "started our family." FML
Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, I was woken up by my drunk girlfriend calling me and saying how much she loves me. She then stopped to tell the guy she was in bed with to be quiet because I might hear him. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML
Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but it wasn’t actually her. What happened last night? FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Rebecca1993 0
._. boy do you know how to pick them.
xCrackerx 3
She sounds like a keeper. Always by your side, just like a dog. That's loyalty.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (156)
Honda288 2
What in the ****!? This is a true FML.
FunSized88 10
Crazy or you mean physcotic
newburton13 26
Change the locks? Get security cameras? Tie her psychotic ass to a chair and throw her out the window?
jmcr 27
You need to change your lock and get a restraining order on her
Harle 24
Cute.
Steffi 26
Overly attached girlfriend.
agentx52 13
That would scare the shit out of me.
einselar 6
Christ mate, get your locks change out!
Nederlander95 14
Usually this is said in jest.... But a restraining order is in order here
Fuzy2K 7
Did she say "Kiss me, son of God"? :P