Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently duplicated my keys before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering, “He looks like Jesus.” FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I woke up to my psycho roommate trying to baptize me in my sleep. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML
Today, I woke up at my crazy ex-girlfriend's house, naked and disoriented. You know, the kind of crazy like we-didn't-break-up-it-was-just-a-fight now-we-can-get-married crazy. She says everything's fine now and she's so glad we've "started our family." FML
Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML
Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML
Today, I was woken up by my drunk girlfriend calling me and saying how much she loves me. She then stopped to tell the guy she was in bed with to be quiet because I might hear him. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML
Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but it wasn’t actually her. What happened last night? FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
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Top comments
Rebecca1993 0
._. boy do you know how to pick them.
xCrackerx 3
She sounds like a keeper. Always by your side, just like a dog. That's loyalty.
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Comments (156)
danii_s2 0
she sounds smart.
Lauren_luv 0
@ #3: Lol >:D @ #5: Your ******' stupid with your ignorant spellings and weird stories. ._.
reid_reads 4
Ahem. It is you're.
screwlife23 0
ahem. no it's not. :P
mk58 31
Ahem. Yes it is. Look at the first "Your". That's what the first commentor pointed out.
sdroze1389 31
wouldn't it be spelling, not spellings? sorry I forgot to add the pretentious ahem at the beginning of this comment
Rainkicksu 0
Wooow lmao
Willthediscusguy 0
the scariest thing is that OP didn't know she had copied the key :P really creepy but sounds kinda hot too...
schwinn11 0
OMG, are you serious, you have a ***'n beard? Why The hell would she want to get back with you?
clarissa_Gyall 0
lol agreed!!
Tigg3r 3
I think I would've stabbed her with one of the various objects in my room. APPROPRIATE OBJECTS you perverts!
R0lling_St0ner 0
dude I would've been all in to that ;D
natizakhi 0
this is so ******* fake and not funny! i hope she shat in your mouth and forced you to eat it!
frivolous 0
As long as she doesn't stake you to a cross.
narutofan001 16
"Well he doesn't look a thing like Jesus" But I guess you do or she's so crazy that she has hallucinations :) Time to change the locks and get an alarm system.